Author's Notes: This chapter contains the incident that inspired the whole thing. It should probably be rated R, but it's not really all that bad. Anyways, enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Armored Core, or Genobee, or Agraya. But you have to admit, I've done alot more with him than Agetec has. Also, I don't own Salad Fingers. He's the property of David Firth. (I think I got that right) you can check him out on Newgrounds or , and last, but not least, I don't own All your Base, or the Ring, or anything else that I'm making fun of that appears in here.
Chapter 2 of Genobee's Minor Adjustment:
Genobee's Minor Adjustment
OR-- All your spoon are belong to me.
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"Shit!" Genobee cried in a panicked daze as he shut down his peer-to-peer connection software, AKA illegal music downloads. "I knew I should have deleted those programs a long time ago!" The raven dashed to the door, skidding to a halt amidst a small whirlwind of papers. "Ok... calm and composed. Take a deep breath..." Genobee opened up the door, and nearly fainted in relief, surprise and revulsion.
A green-skinned man stood in front of him. The guy was tall and gangly, and had extraordinarily long and thin arms. His legs also fit the bill, but where his legs ended in a pair of black dress shoes, his arms ended in hands that had three fingers. His fingers were long, and looked rather leafy.
His eyes bugged out of his smooth, bald head, and tiny red irises ringed his pupils, which were now staring directly at him. Genobee found that his knees were suddenly weak, and fought down a rising tide of panic.
"Hello there good sir..." The green man spoke first, revealing a mouth full of sharp, yellow teeth. The odor of his breath almost made Genobee vomit, but he somehow managed to hold his food down. "I'm here to inquire about your spoooons..." His oddly melodious voice struck a chord in Genobee, and he had to fight down the urge to scream and run in absolute terror.
"Uh... No... I don't have any s-s-s-spp-oons." The raven managed to stammer before he slammed the door in the other man's face.
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"I see..." The green-skinned guy said after the door was slammed in his face. "Then I must leave..." As he trudged down the hall, his mind was consumed by only one thought; I must find the perfect spoon...
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Genobee sank to his knees in front of the door, a cold sweat coming over his brow. That was creepy! I hope I never see anything like that again! The raven sighed in relief as he peeked out of his door again, the green guy nowhere to be found. As the feeling of boredom overtook him again, he booted up his computer and started up his music downloads again, then turned on the TV.
"And in other news," The reporter began. "A man going by the name of 'Salad Fingers' is wanted for burglary. Several houses have been robbed last week after a green man had asked them about their spoons. The man is tall and thin, and has... Oh bloody hell, I'll just show you a picture." Genobee recognized the picture instantly. Oh god, that's the guy that I just saw! Another cold sweat broke out on his forehead. "Oddly enough," The reporter came on the TV again. "The only things stolen from the houses were spoons." Odd... Genobee thought. What kind of freak would only steal spoons from a house?
Just then, Genobee happened to look at the clock, and noticed that it was 6:10. "Ohmygod! I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!" Genobee dashed to his closet and literally threw some clothes on, then dashed out the door, a whirlwind of papers and other refuse following him.
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As he showed up at the "Italian noodle place," Genobee was quite a spectacle. By the time he had arrived, the whirlwind following him had grown to include cars, trucks, trash cans, mailboxes, and a few MTs. When he came to a halt, everything was thrown forward from the inertia of his run, peppering the buildings behind the restruant, which somehow escaped destruction by a miracle from god.
Just like an ancient greek, Genobee fell to the ground after the run.
"He's dead!" Someone shouted.
"Nah." Agraya pushed her way through the crowd, wearing a very low-cut top, and a skirt that was shorter than usual, allowing a good glimpse at her legs. "Hey, get up there!" High heels delivered a vicious kick to Genobee's side, and he coughed harshly, but didn't move. "Oh come on Genobee..." The female pilot leaned over and poked him in the nose, but still got no response. Just then a small splash of blood fell on Genobee's forehead, waking him up.
"Huh... wha... where am I? Who am I?" Genobee blurted out sleepily. Agraya rolled her eyes and kicked him again. The other raven took the hint and got up. His female companion looked back up to see a man standing over her, a small stream of blood coming out of one of his nostrils.
"Hey, is something wrong with your nose?" Agraya frowned at the guy.
"Huh?" The glassy look abruptly faded from the man's eye. "Oh no! I just bled all over my best shirt! My wife's gonna kill me!" As the guy dashed off, Genobee retreated under Agraya's furious glare.
"You're late." The woman snapped, grabbing him by the ear and dragging him into the restaurant. Genobee uttered a silent prayer as his ear protested the rough handling.
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"Well, that was pretty good, wasn't it?" Agraya picked up the last noodle and sucked the end into her mouth, then playfully offered the other end to Genobee. The said raven took the noodle, and they both ate it until their faces were close together. Just then they realized that the noodle wouldn't come apart like usual. Both ravens glared at the other one as they played tug-of-war with the noodle, Genobee eventually winning due to his greater strength.
"Ha! I win!" He cried triumphantly as the noodle slid down his throat. Agraya replied by giving him a death glare. "Hey hey, it's just a noodle. Don't freak out on me." Agraya glared at him again, and he sighed. "Alright alright... I'll vomit it up for you." I swear, if she says yes... I'm going to freak.
His trick worked, a look of revulsion twisted Agraya's face, and she quickly looked away. "Nevermind." She growled, "You can have your damn noodle."
"Would you like a che--" The waiter's eyes abruptly went glassy and unfocused as he caught sight of Agraya, and a trickle of blood started to come out of his nose. The woman gave him an annoyed glare and snapped her fingers under his nose. "ck..." the man finished lamely, attempting to wipe off the dripping blood with a handkerchief.
"Yeah. By the way, you shouldn't stare at people's little sisters like that. Or else you could be the victim of an 'accident'... if you catch my drift..."
The waiter scurried off, and Agraya giggled. "Oh Genobee... you're so protective..."
"Hey, someone has to look out for my little sister." The woman smiled and cuddled into his arms, and Genobee just chuckled and waited for the waiter. After about 15 minutes, the waiter still hadn't come back. "Where the heck is that guy...?"
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Genobee sighed as he got back home. Agraya had dragged him out of the restaurant, despite him insisting that they should pay. The raven closed the door and locked it, then realized that something felt wrong about his place. This is odd... I hope my spoons haven't been stolen... As he walked into the kitchen, he turned on the light, being greeted with one of the most unusual sights he'd ever seen.
The green guy from earlier was sitting on the floor of his kitchen, fondling one of his spoons. Genobee fought down a wave of terror as he took a step forward.
"Hehehe..." The green guy giggled. "All your spoon are belong to me..." He then moaned in pleasure as his finger snaked its way over one of the spoons.
Genobee screamed, and screamed, and screamed. He eventually passed out.
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Genobee woke up to the soft morning sunlight flickering on his face. "Oh man..." he groaned, then winced at his voice. It sounds like I've been gargling razorblades last night... Oh yeah...
Genobee got up, needing to confirm something. Sure enough, when he looked in his silverware drawer, all his spoons were gone.
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Salad Fingers sat atop a huge pile of spoons, fondling a particularly rusty one. Ohhhhh... that's almost orgasmic... He thought as his fingers caressed the spoon gently.
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After reporting the burglary, Genobee sat down, bored once again, and hoping for something to break up the monotony of the day. It was just then that the phone rang, and he ran over to it to pick it up. As he pressed the answer button and held the receiver to his ears, he heard a chilling whisper issue from the other end.
"Seven days..." Then there was a click as the other person hung up. Genobee's left eyebrow found itself considerably higher than the right one. What the hell was that all about? Genobee put down the phone, only to have it ring again. The raven sighed and picked it up again.
"Genobee?"
"Yeah."
"This is Crest, calling about your appointment, you're scheduled for surgery at 6 today."
"Oh yeah... I forgot about that, thanks for reminding me." Yes! Genobee mentally threw a party. Finally, something exciting! I just have to live until 6 and not let boredom kill me.
As Genobee finished his train of thought, a huge, brown ghost floated out from behind the wall. Genobee let out a yell of surprise and jumped back. "Who-who the hell are you!?"
"I AM BOREDOM!" The ghost roared. "AND I AM HERE TO KILL YOU!!!"
Genobee shot it a strange look. "But if I fight you, I won't be bored anymore... and then you'll be dead."
"Damn! You got me there!" The ghost snapped its fingers and drifted off. Genobee sighed and turned back to his music downloads. It's gonna be a long three hours...
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Even though he was strapped into a wheelchair, headed right for surgery that he didn't really know about, Genobee tried to smile bravely. In fact, he was so nervous right now that he almost wished he were bored. Almost, but not quite. He tried to hum a little tune while he was wheeled down the sterile hallways, but found that his throat was too dry to do so. Man, fighting boredom would have almost been better than this. I just wish I weren't so nervous.
Eventually he was taken into a room that was just as sterile as the hallways. A few surgeons came in and started preparing for the surgery, pulling on gloves and sterilizing their instruments. By the time they were finished, Genobee was freaking out from the sheer amount of whiteness in the room.
"H-h-h-ey... is there' any-anything other t-t-t-t-t-than w-white anywhere?" He stammered, fighting down the urge to scream like he did when the green guy was fondling his spoons.
The surgeons looked at each other "He's one of those people." One of them said.
"Ok, fine. Let's break up the whiteness a little bit." Both Surgeons changed their white facemasks for blue ones, and Genobee felt better instantly. The fact that both masks had the crest logo printed on the front made him feel even better than before.
"Now Genobee, we're going to give you general anesthetics. Just try to be relaxed alright?" The first surgeon slid an IV over to the Raven, and stuck a needle in his arm. Although Genobee tried to fight back the overpowering urge to sleep, the drugs were stronger than him, and he was taken under quickly.
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After Genobee had woken up, staggered into the recovery room, and slept off the after-effects of the anesthetics, he was taken back into the surgery room. One of the surgeons looked at him gravely.
"Now Genobee. We'll need to perform a test on you to make sure that the surgery was successful. What we want you to do, is look at a picture we'll display." He exited the room, and Genobee sat there, wondering what this picture was.
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"Do you think it'll work?" The first surgeon asked the second one as he walked out of the room.
"Dunno. I seriously think we shouldn't have used that rusty spoon on him."
"Hey, if someone hadn't stolen all my other spoons I wouldn't have had to get out the spare on him."
The second surgeon took out a walkie talkie. "The subject is ready for testing." He said quickly.
"Good work." A cool female voice answered him. "You've done enough, go and collect your pay."
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As Genobee sat in the room, he could feel boredom start to edge its way back into his veins. It was then that the room went dark, and a picture was displayed on the wall in front of him. Wow! He thought quietly. She's hot! A sudden stirring caused him to look down, and he saw a bulge in the sheets.
"Hey, what's up with these sheets?" Still in a semi-torpor from the anesthetics, he didn't quite grasp the situation properly. "I didn't know I have a banana in my pocket..." He giggled stupidly, staring at the rapidly-growing lump. "Wait a second..." Despite the drugs, a moment of clarity managed to break through to his head. "These gowns don't have pockets... but that can only mean... OH MY GOD!!" The lump kept getting bigger, until the blankets were pulled off the bed by it. "ONE FACE!!!"
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As the crest operators stared at the traumatized Genobee and his out-of-control Genobee jr. both of the women had revolted expressions on their faces.
"That's no minor adjustment..." The first one turned to the second one.
"Let's put him to sleep."
"That's the smartest idea I've heard all day." The first operator jabbed a button with her finger, and several tranquilizer darts shot out of the wall, hitting Genobee in the back. He shuddered, then sank back into the bed.
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Genobee woke up to see both of the surgeons and crest operators standing over him. They were talking in low voices, but he could overhear them anyways.
"It was just a simple adjustment... what happened?" The first woman spoke in a severe tone to the surgeons, who balked under her glare.
"Owwww...." Genobee whimpered, doubling over from the pain in his crotch, which was throbbing angrily. The second woman noticed that he was awake, and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Don't overextend yourself Genobee... the corporation needs you in one piece."
Genobee just stared at the ceiling blankly. Looks like my life is going to be much more interesting now... and I mean that in a bad way...
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"Man, I told you we shouldn't have used that rusty spoon, but noooooooo, you wouldn't listen to me." The second surgeon glared at the first.
"Well, hey, it's not MY fault someone stole all my spoons." The first surgeon held up the rusty spoon that he'd used in the surgery. "This is the last one I have left. I've gotta eat with this damn thing too."
Both men stopped as they saw a green-skinned guy ahead of them. His red eyes bulged wildly as he beheld the rusty spoon, still held by the first surgeon.
"How are you gentlemen?" Salad Fingers asked as his arms stretched out towards the spoon. "All your spoon are belong to me..."
To The Readers:
BloodyKitsune - Well, I've got to thank you for being my most loyal reviewer! (Pins the medal on his chest) I mean seriously, it only takes like 5 seconds to write a review, and the AC section really needs more reviewers. Ok, ok, I'll start reviewing stuff here! Jeez!
Buehler - Guess you like cats huh? I like cats too, I have two of them. But I don't exactly get the point you're trying to get across, unless that was it. Oh well, it'll come to me, eventually...