Credit where it's due: YYH not mine. Special thanks to Dragondancer1014 for the idea that led to the last section of this chapter, arguably the most explosive part of the story!

Chapter 3: The Most Indispensable Office Equipment of All

"Hey Botan! Where the hell are we going?" Yusuke demanded, as the little group stepped out of the elevator – again. This was the fifth elevator they had taken. No one appreciated their long, tortuous path through winding hallways, overcrowded workrooms, and dark corridors (except perhaps Kurama, who had navigated through hundreds of much more complicated - and dangerous - mazes, and was by far the most likely to see this all as a "fun" little memory exercise.)

"Lord Koenma wants it to be a surprise, so you'll just have to keep walking," Botan answered firmly. It was not the first time they had asked this question. (Or the second. Or even the third, or fourth.)

"It must be something related to this case he just told us about," Kuwabara reasoned, raising a hand to his chin in a Thinking Seriously expression. "Why else would it be so urgent?"

"Gotta wonder about those youki readings," Yusuke said, reminded of the case by Kuwabara's comment. "I haven't felt anything like that around school."

"Maybe because you weren't at school when they happened," Botan pointed out, her voice carrying a note of gleeful amusement.

"I've got better places to be!"

"My sense of the supernatural is more than enough to detect any dangerous youkai around!" Kuwabara scoffed, not noticing Hiei's sardonic half-smile at that declaration. "And I haven't sensed any bursts of youki at school, either. How about you, Kurama?"

"It didn't strike me as youki, exactly. But definitely something...abnormal's been lurking around my school lately. It doesn't seem hostile, so I haven't worried about it. Still," Kurama mused, "I'd like to see that computer file Koenma tried to show us..."

"Ah, that new computer has a few bugs still?" Botan nodded knowingly as they approached (yet again!) the doorway at the end of the hall. She raised a hand toward a small screen at the side of the double doors. "I tried to tell him not to get too dependent on all those gadgets. Technology isn't that reliable."

"What are you doing?" Kuwabara asked, as Botan put her fingertips on five small, dark rectangles in the screen.

"Opening the door, of course," she said matter-of-factly. Neon green lines scrolled down the rectangles, scanning her fingerprints.

A female voice, mechanically polite, intoned, "Please enter code B-twenty-four." Botan put pressed a few numbers. "Please enter code H-zero-seven." Botan pressed a few more numbers. "Confirming authorization..." the voice continued in its polished warmth, "Access granted. Please enter." A hum sounded, and with a hiss of pressurized air escaping, the doors slid apart to reveal a dark corridor.

"Not dependent on technology, huh?" Yusuke looked skeptically at Botan.

"It wasn't my idea," Botan huffed. She followed Yusuke's gaze to her wrist, which sported the latest brand-name digital sports watch, with voice-activated planner, calculator, and camera all packed neatly into a compact, aesthetically pleasing, water-proof disk the size of a dime. (Of course, Yusuke would not have known of all these capabilities were it not for the billboards, TV commercials, and ads rolling across the giant screens that were mounted on the taller buildings in the city.) She looked back up at him, and added defensively, "A girl deserves a little something nice now and then. Especially when working with the likes of you."

"Hey!" Yusuke protested, but it was unclear whether he was responding to Botan or yelling just because the doors had suddenly shut behind them, leaving them in total darkness.

"What's Koenma got that requires so much security?" Kuwabara griped. "We've gone through a maze of corridors and a door that must've cost a million yen – "

"Two million," Botan corrected. "Just wait a moment. You'll see."

A hum and a hiss sounded again. "That's the door ahead opening. Walk forward ten steps please," Botan instructed. Yusuke sweatdropped, Kuwabara scowled impatiently, Hiei suppressed a "Hn" of disdain, Kurama smiled in amusement, and even Botan rolled her eyes as she said this. Unfortunately, the darkness prevented proper mutual appreciation of the eloquence of their facial expressions. They all walked forward, their steps echoing in what seemed, by the sound, to be a vast chamber.

Lights flicked on suddenly. Powerful lights, the sports stadium kind, the bright-enough-to-temporarily-burn-out-corneas kind.

"TADA!" Koenma's voice rang out from a metallic walkway far above their heads while a triumphant trumpet fanfare blasted forth.

Koenma had obviously expected a reaction of immediate excitement and awe.

Instead, silence followed.

And when the guys managed to blink their eyesight back, the first words out of Yusuke's mouth, while excited, were not exactly awed.

"You want to blind us or something?!"

Koenma's brow furrowed in mild irritation, but he carried on. "Behold! The Super Duper Corporation-Size Water Cooler 5000!" he announced, sweeping an arm grandiosely toward a giant cylinder of plastic that occupied most of the room.

More silence.

Kurama's eyes widened, Hiei's frown deepened, Yusuke's eyebrows rose even higher, and Kuwabara's jaw dropped even lower. And giant sweatdrops appeared over everyone except Botan, who instead just looked shocked. As soon as she recovered her voice, she sputtered indignantly, "Lord Koenma! I thought you were going to show them the new youki detector!"

No, not the reaction of marveling and eager admiration Koenma had hoped for at all. But the show must go on, no?

"Not only a water cooler, mind you!" Koenma continued, sounding entirely too much like a salesman of used cars in a TV commercial of Extremely Low Budget. "Nope, this baby has all your office drinks and then some! Hot water, cold water, lukewarm water, flavored water, mountain distilled water and over here, the ice dispenser. Want coffee? Would you like it hot or chilled? Americano? Espresso? French vanilla? Mocha? Macchiato? Want it decaf? How about a latte? With whole, reduced fat, lowfat, or skim milk? Ah, speaking of milk, the Cooler 5000 carries that too, plus 22 different sodas and 35 fruit juices. Not to mention teas, iced or hot – green tea, black tea, oolong tea, cinnamon tea, peppermint tea, boba milk tea..."

The sweatdrops had grown bigger, and were now threatening to crush the Detectives under their weight.

"This is the big ol' 'most important,' 'can't-be-delayed' thing you wanted to show us?" Yusuke shouted.

"But I haven't mentioned the most special aspect of the cooler yet," Koenma answered calmly.

"Unless it can somehow miraculously turn the clock back an hour to save us from wasting so much time wandering down here to look at a stupid jug of liquid..." Kuwabara muttered.

Aha! I have my revenge! Koenma gloated inwardly as he crowed in triumph, "It even dispenses alcoholic beverages! Fifteen different kinds, to be exact!"

Botan and the Detectives all crashed to the ground, the sweatdrops finally too great for even the mighty victors of the Dark Tournament to bear.

"Anyway, I never said this is the 'big ol' most important, can't-be-delayed' thing I had to show you. That's back in my office," Koenma scoffed, finally giving up on the Ecstatic, Overawed reaction. He had wanted the largest, most expensive purchase of his last (ten-page in Times New Roman size 8) Spirit World-Office Depot invoice to floor people, but not this way. Besides, his initial purpose in leading them on this little goose chase was retribution for their tardiness, insolence, and most importantly, their unpardonable guilt in making a mess of his office (with all the new furniture!). He had achieved that goal beautifully.

It was a good thing for Koenma that he was perched on that walkway, too high for even the Urameshi team to leap in one bound. (Yes, the beverage dispenser was that big. It was only thanks to the excellent – and very expensive – acoustics of the room that Koenma made himself audible to his not-so-willing audience. Though what one would need voice-amplifying acoustics for in a top-security guardroom, not even Koenma himself could readily explain.)

Safe as he was from their physical retaliation, Koenma actually began to feel the tiniest twinge of guilt. After all, he might have looked like a toddler most of the time, but he was certainly more mature than his usual appearance (and many of his actions) suggested. So, he decided to kill two birds with one stone: offer a slight appeasement to Botan and the team, and simultaneously show off this latest, largest addition to his office equipment.

Koenma took out a remote control and pressed a button. "There. Now it's voice-activated. All you have to do is say clearly the drink you want, the size – regular, large, or ginormous – and it'll be dispensed from the spouts into one of those niches all around the dispenser. So how about a drink?"

"How about we go home now?" Kuwabara retorted.

"Hey, wait a minute," Yusuke stopped Kuwabara. "For all the trouble we took to get here, we might as well." Kuwabara stared at Yusuke incredulously and opened his mouth to question. However, something in the way Yusuke was smiling seemed to quiet him.

"Yusuke, the peacemaker who finds silver linings," Kurama mused, then concluded cheerfully, "Sounds somewhat strange, doesn't it?"

"Ha, ha," Yusuke answered with good-natured sarcasm. "Ok, Koenma, let's see what your souped-up cooler can do. I want a regular Seven-Up."

The dispenser hummed, and then released the beverage into a cup that popped up in the niche closest to Yusuke. It even stopped when the cup was three quarters full, to allow the foam to disappear so the cup could be completely filled. A mechanic arm clapped a cap onto the cup and automatically inserted a straw.

Strangely enough, Yusuke did not quite look pleased, but he didn't complain as he took his drink.

Encouraged, Kuwabara gave it a try. "A large…watermelon juice," he chose, going for something a little less common. The dispenser met the challenge easily with what seemed to be 100 juice, fiber and all.

Yusuke looked even less pleased, but everyone's attention was focused on the machine.

"Go on, go on," Koenma urged, delighted that, unlike his computer, the dispenser was in perfect working order.

Botan tried it next. "Mmm, I've always wanted to try French vanilla…A large French vanilla latte with whipped cream on top, please!" Again, within moments the order was fulfilled perfectly, with a beautiful swirl of whipped cream and an automatically dispensed stirring spoon.

Yusuke suddenly stepped up again, his grin rather…maniacal. He took a huge breath, then shouted, "All righty, then, how 'bout this order? Large whole milk decaf latte – regular strawberry banana mango apple pear peach kiwi smoothie – ginormous beer on the rocks – large oolong tea with extra sugar – large black tea – ginormous boba milk tea – large water with ice – ginormous Dr. Pepper – lemonade-chocolate milk-orange juice-tea-water-coffee!"

Several seconds passed with no reaction from the dispenser (but a speechless, fuming reaction from Koenma).

"Guess it's not so super duper, huh Koenma?" Yusuke scoffed.

"There is no place in all the worlds that takes orders that way, Yusuke!" Koenma recovered his voice enough to yell.

"Oh, yeah? You've obviously never been in a ramen shop." Yusuke observed scornfully. "I say we all get outta here a-sap!" He turned to go.

A shudder ran through the giant cylinder, from the top all the way to the bottom.

Yusuke stopped. The others looked toward the cooler.

It hummed, just as it did before dispensing the previous drinks.

Yusuke turned to look at it, too.

Coffee spurted out into a large cup, filling it only halfway. Metallic cranking and groaning resounded from deep within the dispenser.

"I've got a bad feeling about this…and it ain't nothin' psychic," Kuwabara muttered.

Sssssssssss! All thirty spouts started gushing liquid. Only a few cups popped up, and even these overflowed within moments. Another shudder ran through the giant cylinder, escalating in magnitude so that the room seemed wracked by a serious earthquake.

Finally, the cylinder exploded with the force of a breaking dam.

"AAAUUUUUGGGGHHH!"

For all the fearsome enemies they had confronted before, the Urameshi Team did not even think of facing this onslaught head-on. For all their vaunted speed, though they tried to run, they could not get to the door fast enough, much less push in the codes to get it open. For all their battle prowess, honed in the furnace of the Dark Tournament to a level renowned even among the denizens of the Demon World, they could not escape the deluge of drinks that erupted from the Super Duper Corporation-Size Beverage Cooler 5000.

"Oh, no…"

"Idiotic human contraptions…"

"Of all the blasted…!"

"YEOW! Damn hot coffee! Or is it tea?! Why am I even asking?! Stupid godforsaken cooler…!"

"Help! I'm drowning (gargle) in Coca-Co- (gargle)!"

And from the railway above came Koenma's angry wail.

"YUUUSUKEEEEEEEE!"

end of Chapter 3

Actually had to do a bit o' research on the drinks, not being a coffee or alcohol drinker myself. From the little I know of Starbucks, I'm convinced it actually has its own dialect. :D The point is, if I got drink terms wrong, please feel free to point out.

Am discovering as I go along how miraculously plot turns can form in one's brain, where before there was no way to get the story from point A to point B. Am somewhat suspicious that instead of plot turns, I've actually dug plot holes, but not too worried as this story is not a serious one anyway. Still, would like second opinions. In other words, (wide innocent grin) review please!