Disclaimer: YYH not mine.
Supposedly decades ago if children were very stupid in school, they were called dunces and had to sit in the corner with a cone-shaped hat. (I have no idea where and when I picked this up…) Anyway, I'm pretty sure it's not an internationally known image. I mention it since I use it in this chapter.
I put in a pun. If it's terrible, tell me so, and I'll try to change it. :D Bloopers? (I.e. so-and-so wore green one moment and yellow the next) Plot holes? Please tell me! As always, comments and criticisms welcome!
Chapter 4: Office Technology
When the flood calmed, the Detectives found themselves treading not just water, but an icky mixture of soda, coffee, tea, milk, and bits of fruit. (Botan had materialized her oar, though not quickly enough to escape the soaking.) Little boba balls floated by, sometimes cushioned on dollops of whipped cream. Koenma had just told them to meet him back in his office and stomped off the railway. Yusuke yelled after him that he was going home as soon as they got out of there, but Koenma's office was on the way out anyhow. So it was that, after Botan opened the door and the beverages drained, she and the Detectives were zipping along on the convoluted route back to Koenma's office. They were still drenched and dripping (and leaving a feast of a trail for Spirit World ants), but that was nothing compared to the flooded catastrophe of the lowest floor. Noooo, the janitor ogres would not be happy about that.
"All I wanted to do was show him that even his cooler-on-steroids couldn't do everything. How was I to know it would explode? And how the hell was I to know you couldn't swim?"
"Not in a whirlpool tidal wave like that, no!" Kuwabara retorted. "Couldn't just turn around and walk away, could you, Urameshi?"
"Hey, no matter what, I wasn't the one who forced us to see some stupid drink cooler!"
"Can you two stop bickering for even five minutes?" Botan hollered. It wasn't fair! She wasn't the one who'd been late to the meeting or pelted Koenma with beancake – why had Koenma wasted her time as well? And she didn't lead the guys around in circles (at least, not on purpose) – in fact she'd just suffered through a goose chase and a drink explosion with them – why was Yusuke yelling at her? That fancy watch on her wrist felt more and more deserved. (Lucky it was liquid-proof!) She wanted a shower – or better yet, a long, hot bath. Come to think of it, she'd seen a pretty (and somewhat pricey) bath set in the same department store where she got the watch…
The sugar and caffeine in all those beverages hadn't found their way into any stomachs, but they might as well have been directly injected into the Urameshi team for all the adrenaline the drinks fired up. Botan took them all to one of the full bathrooms adjoining the ogres' workrooms (of which there were many, due to frequent need for late night or even overnight work). Still, rinsing off – being doused, clothing and all, with just water instead of a myriad of liquids at once – did little to cool them down. Off they dashed again, skidding to a halt at the door of Koenma's office. As they were supernaturally fit, they were only breathing a bit deeply. By no means had the adrenaline levels lowered enough to ensure Koenma's personal safety.
Yusuke swung his foot back in a stance that promised serious damage to the door (and, knowing these guys, probably also the wall right next to it) but suddenly rounded back on Botan. "You know what? I don't think Koenma really has anything that important to show us. I wanna go back right this minute."
"It's not like you have anything important to do," Botan returned peevishly.
"Yes I do too have something important to do!"
"Yeah? What?"
"I've got homework!"
Everyone stared at Yusuke for a moment.
Botan's look of shock quickly turned to one of suspicion. "Kuwabara I might believe –"
"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"
"–but you, Yusuke?"
Yusuke glared as the stunned silence erupted into a chorus of raucous laughter. Even Hiei chuckled. A cold, dry chuckle, yes. But it was a chuckle of amusement. From Hiei.
"Don't believe me, huh? Well, I swear on – on…"
"What, Urameshi, can't find something to swear on so you won't suffer for it later?" Kuwabara jeered.
"No, ya lunkhead! In fact I can't think of something to show just how serious I am." Yusuke seemed to concentrate deeply for a couple moments. "I know!" His expression became grave. "I swear on –" he paused dramatically – "my front-row ticket to the wrestling match finals next month!"
It was the second round of giant sweatdrops within the hour.
After a moment, however, Kuwabara said, "Hm, maybe Urameshi's being serious after all. Front-row ticket! To the finals! Hey, come to think of it, how'd you get ahold of 'em?"
"Never mind that. Guys..." Botan muttered, thankful that Kuwabara had missed Hiei's "Idiot" for once - they obviously all wanted the evening to end and another insult contest between Kuwabara and Hiei would not help. "Well, Yusuke, if you have homework – I never thought to say that sentence..." She grinned, almost apologetically, as he folded his arms and stuck his chin out in defiance. In fact, her grin would have become apologetic if she had not suddenly thought of something. "Wait a minute...You say you have homework."
"I sure do!"
"What exactly is it?"
"History, twenty pages."
"Ok, so you have homework. But..." Botan looked like someone about to hit a home run, "Are you going to do it?"
Everyone looked at Yusuke. Shoot! he thought. I almost got away with it, too!
At that moment the door to the office swung open, knocking Yusuke forward and thereby getting full revenge for all the damage he had been thinking about inflicting on it. Fortunately for him, though, it also made his homework a moot point.
"Ah, good, you're all here!" Koenma exclaimed, oblivious to the Detective he had sent sprawling upside down against the opposite wall. "Come in, come in!"
Yusuke collapsed on the floor, but quickly flipped into a defiant stand. "We're a sopping, dripping mess. We want to go. Now."
Koenma's jaw tightened. "Hey, I'm not exactly a happy camper right now, either. That was a pretty expensive piece of equipment you broke, Yusuke."
"You didn't nearly drown in fifty bajillion liquids!"
"Yeah? Well, whose bright idea was it to overload the cooler with insane commands in the first place?"
"Well, how about let's dunk you a giant tub of drinks, hit here with hot coffee and there with ice-cold soda?"
Koenma frowned. "Needless to say, we're all a bit irritated right now –"
"Major understatement!"
"– and we all want to get out of here as soon as possible. Let me just show you the youki detector. Or do you want to make another trip to see it?"
Yusuke and Kuwabara both visibly recoiled.
"No way!" Kuwabara declared.
Yusuke scowled. "Fine; fine. But get it overwith quick!"
Koenma's teeth were grinding quite hard, but he passed on retorting and moved to the keyboards embedded in his desk. After two full minutes of keys clicking and computer blipping (during which Yusuke paced restelessly, swearing a blue streak that he would never work for the Spirit World again), Koenma went to a corner of the room and stood there expectantly.
"Why does this remind me of how dunces sit in corners?" Yusuke remarked sarcastically.
Koenma whirled around. "You don't know what you're talking about!"
He may have been more intimidating – correction, less amusing – if he had been in his adult form.
But he was not.
"There's a door here to the other room. It's going to open now, and behind it is the youki detector."
He may have appeared more believable – correction, less like a babbling lunatic – if a door actually popped out from among the wall tiles.
But none did.
Unfortunately for Koenma, inanimate objects have no real sense of dramatic timing. For the moment, all that Koenma got to back his story up was a small beep.
Koenma's credibility would have been utterly crushed were it not for Botan, who saw that Yusuke and Kuwabara were about to rebel and Hiei seemed ready to disappear. "A tile's going to slide open with a security monitor behind it, and using that we can enter the room." Nevertheless, her attempt at a peacemaking explanation did not mean she agreed with what was going on. She rolled her eyes (again) at yet another demonstration of her boss's infatuation with gadgets.
Sure enough, a panel slid aside. After Koenma (gritting his teeth so hard he nearly chewed his pacifier in two) punched in the access code and had a fingerprint scanned, twelve wall tiles revealed themselves to be, in reality, a hidden door. Koenma, Botan, and the Detectives stepped through into a large room of pristine steel walls and criss-crossing laser beams.
Koenma took a remote control out of his pocket, pointed it at some spot on the ceiling, and pressed a button.
"Geez! You've pushed more buttons today than I've done my whole life!" Yusuke complained.
"That would be difficult," Koenma replied wryly as the laser beams flashed, then disappeared.
A magic eight ball stood at the center of the floor.
Third round of giant sweatdrops within the hour.
"That's it. I'm leaving," Yusuke stated flatly. "What a load of garbage!"
"Ah-hah, that's what you would think about cutting-edge technology, isn't it?" Koenma retorted.
"A magic eight ball? Cutting edge technology? Gimme a break!"
"No wait, Urameshi, I'm sensing some sort of energy from that ball there…" Kuwabara muttered.
Hiei frowned. "Perhaps the sheer stupidity of this entire evening?"
"Now now, give Koenma time to explain, so we can all go home and I won't have to conduct you here for another meeting just to see the detector!" Botan interjected (failing miserably to keep her tone even). Before Koenma could open his mouth, however, she thought of the Used Car Salesman-style pitch he was sure to give, and hastily said, "Actually, I will explain. The detector was designed this way so other people wouldn't think it was valuable at all, and no one would steal it."
"Haven't you rendered this feature null by locking the ball in high security rooms?" Kurama pointed out.
Koenma and Botan crashed to the floor, forehead first.
"Ah ha ha, that's right, isn't it..." Botan squeaked sheepishly.
Koenma cleared his throat, trying to regain composure and a little dignity. "Minor technicality...easily remedied...so anyway! As Botan said, it's disguised as an eight ball. It is actually controlled by remote, and the readings don't show up on the ball itself, so the disguise is pretty foolproof."
"So how do you get the readings?" Kuwabara asked.
"They go to our computer database via spiritual waves - sort of like those used for cell phones in the Human World. It's an online database for the Spirit World - any computer can be used to access the readings. For the last week the detector's been set to scan the areas where you guys live, and it sends the reports automatically to that database."
"Can you identify different demons with it?" Kurama wanted to know.
"Yes, the youki readings are scanned by another computer program. The results can be run against our databases, and if there's a match, the file on that demon can be automatically sent to a special folder in the database."
"I take it no matches were found for these youki blips, then."
"Nope."
"Ok, so why do we have to see this?" Yusuke groused. "It's not like it's our job to operate the thing, and we won't need it when we're actually on cases 'cuz we'll already know the target."
"You never know what you might come up against," Koenma warned. "Don't be so cocky!"
Yusuke wanted to say "Look who's talking," but what he really wanted was to get going. So he merely said, "Ok, are we done now?" sounding rather like a six-year-old on a long car ride.
"No. Do you think I'd bring you in here without a real purpose?"
Everyone stared at Koenma, all thinking of the cooler.
"Uh…on second thought, don't answer that." Koenma coughed. "The point is, I think you'd be better prepared if you knew what sort of energy you're supposed to be on the lookout for. When the eight ball gets a reading, it doesn't show anything – that's integral to its disguise. All the info goes to the database. However, it can pull the info back, and emit the exact youki it detected. It can even amplify it, to make it easier for people with spiritual energy, such as yourselves, to identify. So I'm going to get it to emit the energy from the readings I mentioned, and you guys can get a feel for it."
Koenma pulled out another remote control and pushed away at the buttons. ("Geez! You must have more remote controls than an electronics store!" Yusuke exclaimed.)
The Detectives concentrated on the ball.
They concentrated some more.
And then, they concentrated even more.
"Are you sure this isn't just a regular ol' eight ball?" Yusuke finally asked, failing miserably to keep the skepticism out of his tone (not that he was trying very hard). "I mean, how can you tell anyway?"
"Weren't you listening?" Koenma sounded exasperated. "It sends info to the database. The readings were pulled from the database. Since there were readings to pull, it must've worked."
Botan cleared her throat. "Actually, Lord Koenma, the youki detectors that your regular ogre patrols use have already been programmed to send info to the database too."
There was a long pause as this information settled into everyone's brain.
It was Kurama who voiced everyone's thoughts. "So the readings may have come from other Spirit World staff using other detectors?"
"...Yes."
"With all due respect, Koenma – have you ever tried anything with the ball before, other than letting it detect youki automatically?"
"...No."
"Is there any way at all to tell that this ball is the detector?"
"...No. Nothing short of opening it inside to see the wiring. It's like a computer on the inside."
"So it actually is possible – just possible, I'm saying – that it really is just an eight ball?"
"...No! It can't be!" Despite these words, beads of sweat stood out on Koenma's face, which had taken on an odd blue color.
"Well, I guess there's just one way to know for sure!" Before Koenma could stop him, Yusuke (ever a straightforward man of action) had snatched the ball up and hurled it toward the floor – with some reiki behind the throw, just for good measure.
"Noooooooooooo!" Koenma screamed, acutely aware that although the money for his office furniture had not come from his own funds, he had opted to get the ball instead of his bicentennial pay raise (or rather, allowance – since it came from his dad).
(Well, it seemed like a really cool thing at the time. And two hundred years is really not so long for a deity.)
The only person who might have reached the ball in time was Hiei, but he did not care enough. Correction – he did not care at all.
As it was, the ball that had cost Koenma his bicentennial pay raise shattered into pieces on the floor.
Solid pieces.
Solid pieces, with no hint of wires or computer chips anywhere.
Koenma stared at the wreckage. He did not know whether to be relieved that Yusuke had broken nothing more than a regular eight ball, or enraged that somebody in the Spirit World Department of Office Supplies had been duped into spending his bicentennial pay raise on just that: nothing more than a regular, thoroughly non-magical magic eight ball.
After a few moments of mental blankness, his brain linked this flub to the others - the malfunctioning computer and the busted drink dispenser.
Between relief and fury, there really was only one choice.
"GEOOOOORRRGGE!"
end of chapter 4