Squanto's Revenge
Author's Note:
Wow this one actually turned out to be PG-13, thats a first. I don't think anyone will be offended by this one but just in case I assure you I have nothing against Native Americans. Also I don't have a beta so I ha to proof this myself so I may have missed a few things.
"Here we are live at the Chicken Head Inn, the scene of a breaking story." said the reporter on TV. "It is here that Uchiha Sasuke, Hidden Leaf shinobi, allegedly raped a bellboy late one night. Here with me now is Uchiha Sasuke's lawyer, Mike Hunthurtz. How will the Hidden Leaf rape shield laws affect the outcome of this trial?"
"Despite the fact that we cannot go into the sexual history of the bellboy we can however use the fact that he had 23 previous sexual encounters that day." replied the Mr. Hunthurtz. "We plan to build our case on what a slut the bellboy was. We also have testimony from two of his previous sexual partners."
"And who would these witnesses be?" asked the reporter.
"Yakushi Kabuto and Orochimaru." replied the lawyer, the camera panning to the side to reveal Orochimaru and Kabuto making love on the freshly cut grass.
"Are you sure those two are credible?" asked the reporter.
"Goddamn-it this is stupid, change the channel already!" shouted Kankuro throwing one of Baki's empty KY jars at the TV.
"No! We have to keep up with current events to be good shinobi!" snarled Temari.
Gaara looked at the clock on the wall. "Sesame Street comes on in five minutes, you better be prepared to turn the channel then Temari." he said giving her a dangerous look.
Temari sighed, she knew how much Gaara loved Sesame Street. He had a secret crush on Snufalufacus.......
Just then Baki came into the room. "Its almost dinner time kids." he says cheerfully.
"What is is?" asked Kankuro. "It had better not be fried camel balls again....." he shuddered just from the memory of the rancid stench of the cooked testicals.......
"No, tonight is Thanksgiving so we're having turkey." said Baki.
"What the hell is thanks giving?" asked Gaara.
"Jeez, don't tell me Sesame Street never taught you that....." sighed Baki.
"Don't be surprised, Gaara can't even count to ten......." said Kankuro sarcastically.
Gaara reached over and punched Kankuro with his Shukaku arm so hard he was thrown back through a wall and into the street and was attacked rabid camel. Thankfully he survived and came back in the house despite his wounds.
"Uh, anyway, Temari explain what Thanksgiving is." said Baki.
"Well it all started when the Pilgrims left England on a ship called the Mayflower to head for the American Colonies." said Temari, pictures magically popping up behind her to help her explain as always. "They did this because the Anglican Church of England was not allowing other denominations of the Christian religion and they wanted to practice Christianity in their own way. There were 102 passengers on the Mayflower and one died on the way to the colonies. They were headed for Virginia but were thrown off course and landed at Plimoth instead. Unfortunately due to lack of food and shelter roughly half of the remaining 101 passengers die. Luckily Samoset and Squanto, two Native Americans, show up and introduce the pilgrims to the Wampanoag tribe. A treaty of friendship was formed and the Native Americans helped the pilgrims to survive. Nearly a year passes and upon the first harvest in 1621 the Pilgrims and native Americans celebrate with a huge feast. Even though the feast was not repeated each year after it was the model for the modern day Thanksgiving holiday."
"And the Native Americans and the Pilgrims lived in peace after that?" asked Kankuro.
"Actually the settlers from Europe betrayed the Native Americans and stole their land. Damn crackers...." replied Temari.
"Ok, now that you guys know about Thanksgiving lets celebrate it!" shouted Baki. "But there is only one problem......"
"What?" asked Gaara.
"We don't have a turkey or any native americans......" replied Baki sadly. "But I have a plan......" he said.
"And that would be?" asked Temari.
"Well you see I've converted the cloths dryer into a time machine." said Baki. "So all you guys have to do is go back in time and get them."
"Ha ha, good one Baki." said Kankuro laughing.
"I'm serious!" shouted Baki. "Besides, I've registered this as an official mission so you can't refuse!" he said showing the contract from the Hidden Sand council.
The Sand Trio reluctantly followed Baki to the cloths dryer.
"Here I made you guys some pilgrim costumes so you'll blend in more." said Baki handing them the outfits that came compete with musket rifles. The Sand Trio put them on, all the while complaining about how retarded they looked. "Awww, aren't you guys cute...." said Baki with a happy smile. "Now get going!" he opened the dryer door.
Temari leaned down to take a look. "Doesn't look like a time warp to me....." she said skeptically. "Kankuro, you go first to make sure this is safe!" she ordered.
"W-why me!?" said Kankuro, not wanting to be the guinea pig in this situation.
"Because you're the most expendable!" shouted Temari.
Kankuro was still hesitant but just then Gaara kicked him in the nuts, causing Kankuro to double over in pain. "And there is more where that came from if you don't move your fat ass!" he said glaring at his older brother.
Kankuro got to his feet and went over to the dryer. He cautiously leaned his head in looking around. "Hey I don't see....." but a kick in the ass by Temari cut him off, sending him straight into the dryer.
Before Temari even had a chance to laugh at Kankuro Gaara had grabbed her and threw her in too.
"Ha ha, dumb-asses. There's no way I'm...." be before Gaara could finish Baki threw him in too and slammed the door shut.
"Have a safe trip kids!" he said and pushed the "on" button. The dryer began to spin and the Sand Trio were magically transported through time and landed in a heap on the grass just outside Plimoth in 1621.
"Get off me!" shouted Gaara punching and kicking Kankuro and Temari until they got off. He then got up and looked around. "Where the hell are we?" he asked.
"We must be near Plimoth, I guess." said Temari.
"Hey what does this do?" said Kankuro checking out his musket and pulling the trigger right as it was pointed at Gaara's chest.
POW!!
"Oh shit....." gasped Kankuro, his face going pale white. Not from sadness over what he had done, but from fear of what Gaara would do to him.
Gaara looked down at the bloody hole in his chest. "You freakn' moron....." he said, his voice only a whisper as he looked at Kankuro with death in his eyes. He then pulled out his musket and shot Kankuro right between the eyes, killing him instantly.
"Uh, Gaara, don't you think you over reacted a bit...." said Temari trying to calm him down. But Gaara then fell over dead from the gunshot wound in his chest. "Great......." said Temari flatly.
Temari wandered a bit and tired to find her way to Plimoth but unfortunately she got lost and ended up in a Native American village. The braves of the village immediately surrounded her. They were talking in their language and she couldn't understand a word they were saying.
"Hey would any of you like to go to the future to celebrate Thanksgiving?" she asked, getting straight to the point.
"White man speak with forked tongue." said the chief in broken English.
"What? I'm not white!? I'm Japanese you retard!" shouted Temari getting offended.
The entire village was enraged and just when it looked like they were going to scalp her Squanto showed up........................ riding a Harley. He skidded to a stop right in the middle of the group nearly two inches from the chief. He was wearing a leather jacket with chains on it, leather jeans, black boots with more chains, and black shades. He lit a cigarette and blew some smoke right into the chief's face.
"Look guys, you leave this fine piece of ass alone or you'll answer to me." said Squanto in the Native American's language.
"The Great Spirit has ordered me to terminate this disrespectful cracker squaw." said the chief, folding his arms.
"Well the gods of Rock n' Roll are tellin' me to kick your ass!" said Squanto revving the engine on his Harley.
"Everyone kill the traitor!" shouted the chief drawing his tomahawk. He took a slash at Squanto's head but Squanto ducked and shoved his cigarette into the chief's eye, blinding him.
"Agh my eye!" shouted the chief in pain.
Squanto then pulled out his double barreled shotgun and shot the chief in the head with the gun sideways, gangsta style.
"Sayonara bitch." said Squanto. He then took off on his bike, running over braves left and right. One brave threw a tomahawk as his head but Squanto shot it in mid air with his gun. He then rammed the gun into the guys mouth and fired, blowing up his head. Squanto finished off the last brave by shooting him in the ass. He then pulled up his bike to Temari.
"Nice rack. B cup...... nah, gotta be a C right?" he said, speaking English now.
"Stop staring at my breasts!" shouted Temari slapping him. She was impressed by his display of destruction but wouldn't put up with his advances.
"Mmmm feisty, just the way I like it. I bet you're a tiger in bed." said Squanto lighting up another cigarette. "Wanna be my girlfriend?"
"No!" said Temari walking off to get a turkey from a near by pen. She put a rope around its neck and began walking back to the time warp.
"Hey wait up." said Squanto following her slowly on his Harley, staring at her ass the whole time. "I know you want me, my penis has a maximum length of 12 inches." he said.
Temari turned and fired her musket at him but Squanto dodged the bullet Matrix-style. Temari tried to fire again but it only had one bullet.
"Don't be like that, I can give you a ride back to your village." said Squanto. "Hop on my bike." he said gesturing to the part of the seat behind him.
"Well I don't know, I don't really want to ride with a pervert like you." said Temari. Then again, she really didn't feel like walking all the way back to the time warp either.
"I promise I won't sexually harass you anymore I promise." said Squanto.
"Well ok." said Temari getting onto the bike. Squanto took off immediately, so fast that Temari was forced to grab him around the waist just to keep from falling off.
"Heh, my wash board abs feel good huh?" said Squanto with a smirk, speeding up to around 150 miles per hour. "Hey, unzip my pants and grab my monster cock...."
Temari punched him in the back of the head a few times to get him to shut up. She was really pissed that he had lied to her but she couldn't jump off the bike because it was going so fast. Her turkey was still on its leash, running along side the bike. It was the fastest turkey ever.
"I wanna know one thing." said Temari. "How come you speak my language?" She found it strange that a Native American could speak English in this time period.
"You wanna know about my past huh?" said Squanto. "Well all that stuff about the Mayflower is crap!! I'm from England bitch, you see I came here on a ship called the Desecrator with Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, and the Rolling Stones. We came so we could worship the gods of Rock n' Roll because the government was forcing people to listen to shitty pop music and worship dumb-asses like Michael Jackson and Brittney Spears!!"
"You expect me to believe that!?" exclaimed Temari.
"Our first winter was rough. We lost Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones, David Gilmour and Mick Jagger...." said Squanto, nearly crying. "But the gods of Rock took pity on us and we brought our fallen comrades back to life through voodoo magic and we ROCKED FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!"
Temari sighed, why was it she always ran into crazy bastards on missions......
Just then the bike pulled up to the time warp, Kankuro and Gaara's dead bodies still laying there.
"Who the hell are those two?" asked Squanto flicking his cigarette onto Gaara, who immediately went up in flames.
"Those were my dumbass brothers." said Temari rolling her eyes.
"You better bury them with a fish to appease the gods....." said Squanto.
"Yeah right." said Temari not caring to hear Squanto's bullshit anymore. "Well cya later." she said taking the turkey and jumping back through the time warp.
Temari ended up back in the dryer and pulled herself and the turkey out.
"Welcome home!" said Baki.
"Quick turn the dyer off!" shouted Temari but it was too late. Squanto had made it through. He reached out and grabbed Temari's ass. "Hey, help me out of this thing...." he said trying to get out of the dryer. Temari delivered multiple kicks to his face but Baki turned the dryer off before she could kick him back through to his own time.
"Holy crap, this place is weird." said Squanto getting out of the dryer.
"Who are you?" asked Baki.
"I'm Squanto. Temari's new boyfriend!" said Squanto laying a hand on Temari's shoulder.
"He is not!" shouted Temari grabbing his arm and throwing him through a wall.
"Awww so sweet! I knew you were about old enough to get a boyfriend." said Baki. "Have you too fucked yet?"
"Hell yeah!" said Squanto crawling back into the room.
"You lying bastard!" shouted Temari stomping him in the head repeatedly.
"She.... likes it rough as you can tell....." said Squanto, starting to cough up blood.
"Well don't forget to use protection Temari-chan." said Baki. "You two love birds play nice while I cook the turkey....... wait a minute, this turkey is still alive....." he said.
"So kill the thing then." said Temari getting annoyed.
"No it was your responsibility so you have to!" said Baki handing her a musket.
"Well ok, whatever." said Temari shooting the turkey in the head. Unfortunately the bullet went straight through and hit Squanto in the leg.
"Aahhhggg my leg!!" he shouted falling to the floor. "The white devils have betrayed me!!"
"I told you I'm not white!" shouted Temari kicking him in the head.
"Don't let him die! We have to have a proper Thanksgiving Day feast with an Native American!" shouted Baki.
Temari slapped some duck-tape on Squanto's leg to keep him from bleeding to death while Baki cooked the turkey. Soon it was done and it was time to eat. Baki, Temari and Squanto gathered around the table. All kinds of thanksgiving foods were there like stuffing and green beans and ham and deer meat and corn bread.
"Ok I'll cut the turkey...." said Baki getting a huge knife. He then stabbed the turkey right in the back.
"Auugghghgh fuck!!" shouted the turkey, jumping up and grabbing the knife. "See how it feels bitch!!" he shouted stabbing Baki in the eye. It then ran off to go have sex with Choji.
There may have been no turkey but Baki was determined to have Thanksgiving Day, despite having an eye put out. Him, Temari and Squanto ate lots of food and drank tons of wine, or "fire water" as Squanto called it. Pretty soon they were drunk as hell and Squanto was telling stupid jokes.
"Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee pee in your coke." said Squanto. Baki was laughing so hard he fell out of his chair.
"That was the dumbest thing I ever heard." said Temari, her speech slurred a bit from the wine.
"How about this one, your momma's so fat she killed the dinosaurs!" said Squanto laughing.
Baki was laughing so hard stuffing was coming out of his nose.
"Stop laughing Baki its not funny!" shouted Temari banging her fist on the table knocking over some wine. "Now look what you made me do!"
"Your momma's so fat she became the center of the solar system ha ha ha." laughed Squanto, totally drunk.
Baki was laughing so hard he pissed and crapped his pants at the same time and he didn't even care.
A few hours past and soon it was the next day.
"Well Thanksgiving is over. Time to kill Squanto." said Temari getting an evil smile as she grabbed the knife that was lodged in Baki's eye.
Squanto crawled back into a corner with terror in his eyes. "No..... Noooo........ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" he screamed as Temari advanced upon with with a sadistic grin.
Meanwhile in the court room in Hidden Leaf the jury stood to give their verdict on the Sasuke rapist case.
"We the jury of Hidden Leaf find the defendant........ NOT GUILTY!!!" they shouted.
"Whew, what a relief." muttered Sasuke wiping his brow.
"Just kidding, we find him guilty." said the jury, the court room laughing at their joke.
"Damn-it! Thats not fair!" shouted Sasuke.
The entire court room cheered, justice would be done this day.
"Order, ORDER!!!" shouted the judge slamming his gavel down. He then stood up once everyone got quiet. A huge statue of Lady Justice looming behind him. "Now as the judge of Hidden Leaf I hear-by sentence Uchiha Sasuke to............ pay a two dollar fine for his crimes."
"What the bloody hell!?" shouted the prosecutor. "He's a convicted rapist for crying out loud!!"
The entire room was in an uproar over the sentence he had received.
"ORDER DAMN-IT!!!" shouted the judge banging his gavel again. "Listen to me, are we a people of barbarism? Have we not advanced past the stage of "eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth"? Should this fine young man be sentenced to prison where he will surely be raped by the likes of Bubba and Ottis for one minor screw up in life? Lets face it, the boy's only real crime was the exuberance of youth. And when we look in the mirror, can we not say to ourselves "Man, I would sure love to rape someone today....."? So then let us forgive and forget, I'm sure the world will be a better place if we all find it in ourselves to love our fellow man."
The court room was moved to tears by the judges touching speech. They all forgave Sasuke and went home to have sex and stuff. Soon only Sasuke and the judge were left in the court room.
"Thanks man, you really got my fat out of the fire." said Sasuke.
"No problem young man. We all make mistakes in life." said the judge.
"Well see you later." said Sasuke walking towards the door. Just then a long purple tongue wrapped around his throat and jerked him back.
"Not so fast Sasuke-kun......" said the judge ripping his face off to reveal...... OROCHIMARU!!! "I wasn't lying when I said we should love our fellow man, kukukukuku....." chuckled Orochimaru staring at Sasuke's ass. He then reeled him in with his tongue and ripped his shorts off.
"NOOOOOOOOOO.... wait a minute, I'm gay. I mean, YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!" shouted Sasuke as him and Orochimaru had wild sex all over the court room. And if you looked closely, you could swear there was a faint smile on Lady Justice's lips......
The End
Author's Note:
The whole Sasuke thing was a parody on the Kobe Bryant rapist trial in case some of you were wondering.