My Friend, Voldemort

Another Death-Eater meeting was to commence in about a minute and I was still trailing behind Lord Voldemort as he made his way through the hallway. He stopped in front of a door where the meeting was to be held and was about to turn the knob when I jumped in his way.

"Oh, no m'lord. Maybe I should announce you first," I suggested cheerfully. "That way, it makes you seem more important."

He did not answer so I took that as I yes. I opened the door, greeted by the menacing stares of the other older Death-Eaters. I cleared my throat and proclaimed with all my might...

"All rise and welcome the Dark Lord! The guy with mean spells along with a mean wand! Er, how long is your wand, sir? Thirteen-and-a-half inches? Well, well, well, that's quite the information. Anyway, announcing the entrance of the most feared... thing on the planet. LORD VOLDEMORT."

The Dark Lord swept gracefully into the room, his robes fluttering as he walked. From the back, he looked like a sexy woman.

I took my seat before he did as he engaged in small conversation with two Death-Eaters. I felt something itch in my nose. Probably a bogey. I discreetly stuck my finger in my nose and felt around. Surprisingly I managed to wriggle it out. I looked at the disgusting goo on my finger and flicked it away in some random direction.

I almost yelped as I saw my booger had accidentally land on Lord Voldemort's chair.

"Shall we begin?" Lord Voldemort proceeded to his chair.

Oh no... Don't sit...I thought.

But he had lowered himself down on the chair.

Touchdown!

"Any questions, concerns, comments?" he asked, looking around the room. A few Death-Eaters raised their hands politely while I waved my arm around with vigor.

"Yes," he looked to me.

"It's a comment," I told him.

"Yes. Proceed."

"Our uniforms are tacky," I said bluntly. "This robe is too big for me. I look like an overweight scarecrow."

"And what do you propose we do?"

"Tighten it a little. Give it more color. I'm thinking pink or something," I stroked my chin thoughtfully. "I imagine Lucius Malfoy in a belly-baring sleeveless shirt. It will emphasize his sexy pale skin. His stage name can be Luscious Lucius."

Lucius Malfoy looked at me with wide horrid eyes.

"Oh, don't worry Mr. Malfoy," I said waving my hand, "I've thought of a name for your son as well. I was given the inspiration when he was doing this sexy little dance in front of his mirror in the Slytherin dormitories. Deadly Dancing Draco. Catchy, isn't it?

"You have been spying on my son?" Lucius narrowed his eyes at me. "How dare you!"

"Oh no!" I said defensively. "I just happened to come across an enchanted mirror which I accidentally took to my room and accidentally told it to spy on Draco. It was all a mere accident, I assure you."

"No need to get excited, Malfoy," Lord Voldemort said. "As she said, it was all an accident."

"And you, m'lord, can be Vivacious Vibrating Voldemort."

Lucius stood up abruptly and slammed his fist against the wooden table, "Tell me what this meeting as to do with these... stripper names!"

There was quite a dramatic silence.

"Absolutely nothing."

I didn't really pay attention to the rest of the meeting. It was always about the same thing: Kill the Potter kid. Big whoopidy-doo-friggin-deal. He gets away with everything anyway.

"This plan will work," I heard Lord Voldemort speak up. And I really did not know what kind of plan it was. "We will be invincible."

"Yes!" I chimed in, even though I had no idea what I was saying. "It will be easy. Just like taking candy from a baby." This was when I shot a look towards Lord Voldemort, "But one of us had quite a hard time with a certain baby quite a while back..."

"This meeting is over," he announced and stood up.

I stayed seated in my chair and watched them all leave. But for some reason my eyes shifted down towards Lord Voldemort's rear end.

My booger was on Lord Voldemort's butt.

"My lord, are you contented with your nickname?"

"And what nickname would that be?"

Lord Voldemort and I were seated at a small table as we sipped tea from tiny porcelain cups.

"That nickname. There's a lot actually... 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who, That-Really-Evil-Dude, That-Guy-With-The-Pasty-Face—"

"Get to the point."

"Well..." I hesitated. "Those nicknames are kinda dumb. Shouldn't we think of something else that's, you know, cooler?"

"Go on."

"How about 'V-Diddy-Snoop-Dog'? Or 'Viagra-Voldie'? I think that one is kind of a turn on. You'll be a frequent favorite in Witch Weekly."

Lord Voldemort had a sort of far-away look in his eyes, "Yes... I might even be able to receive the Best Smile Award."

"Please don't have high hopes."

"I believe my smile is like that of... a flower."

"An ugly flower, my lord."

I returned his glare with a smile.

"And that Potter boy deserves a nickname too. 'He-Who-You-Could-Not-Kill—"

Lord Voldemort cleared his throat rather loudly and afterwards lifted his cup daintily to his lips and took a tiny sip. We spoke more after that, mainly about Lucius Malfoy's sexy body that helped bring his sexy son into the world. It was, in fact, Lord Voldemort who started that conversation. I felt a little disturbed so I steered our conversation towards that red-haired man that worked for the Ministry.

"Arthur Weasley, that's his name?" I asked.

Yes, that sexy man," the Dark Lord answered. "His sons are quite the fine dish as well. Especially those twins."

"Oh, yes!" I squealed. "I did not know you had a fancy for twins."

"Call it a fetish."

I looked at my watch and sighed, "My lord, it's passed your bedtime."

He groaned and seemed disappointed. "Six-thirty already?"

I walked towards Lord Voldemort's bedroom to see if he had fallen asleep already. I opened the door and saw him curled up in his bed sleeping soundly. I heaved a sigh and shook my head. It seems as if he was playing make believe before going to bed.

I slowly took off the large black-framed glasses from his eyes and gently peeled off the lightning bolt sticker from his forehead. I tried to pry away the fake magic wand from his hand but he kept muttering in a strange high-pitched English accent, "No, no, you can never defeat me! I am the great Harry Potter..." his voice trailed off into a soft snore. Although I managed to pry away a female doll with thick bushy hair and large teeth and male doll with fiery red hair and freckles away from his strong grip. And he was gripping them in the wrong places.

When I went to go close the drapes I tripped over something. I looked down and saw a videotape. Curious, I picked it up and saw that it had been titled: The Secret Escapades. A fictional (hopefully not fictional) story about Harry Potter and his friends (maybe more than friends) and their journey through the wonderful land of puberty. In this episode they will be crossing the vast terrain known as: The Human Body.

How he managed to fit that whole title into the tiny strip of tape pasted on the video, I did not know. But now I was more than curious. I was intrigued.

Taking the tape and quietly hurrying to my room, I popped the video into the VCR...

What a sight.