After dinner, Lord Voldemort settled down at his tiny wooden desk, took out a quill, and began writing on a parchment. He scribbled on it rather frantically so I was curious to see what he was writing with such vigor.

"And may I ask what you are writing, my lord?" I said, looking over his shoulder.

He held up a stack of papers proudly, "It's a story that I have written!"

I picked up a page and read an excerpt:

I, Harry Potter, am now at the brink of manhood. But I am still young and I am eager to feed my growing sexuality. But what will appease this young supple body of mine? As if an answer to my prayer, I spotted Draco Malfoy across the room. His blonde strands fell attractively over his eyes and his muscles seemed to twitch with anticipation as his gaze fell on me...

"My lord! This is rather... risqué, don't you think?" I could feel my cheeks turning red.

"Ah, but I am merely speaking from the depths of Potter's heart," Lord Voldemort smiled and tried to achieve an expression of wisdom. He failed horribly because some drool was dripping down the corner of his mouth.

I looked at the first page. Lord Voldemort's story had been titled, Harry Potter and the Order of the Penis.

"Ah... my lord?" I smiled sweetly. "How would you like me to proof read and edit what you have written already? I'm sure you wouldn't want mistakes in your lovely, lovely story."

"Well. Okay. That seems like a good idea to me."

Without further hesitation, I swept up all the parchment and dashed to my room.

Ah, yes. Now where was I?

Oh. Now I remember:

His blonde strands fell attractively over his eyes and his muscles seemed to twitch with anticipation as his gaze fell on me. I breathed deeply as made his way toward me.

"Malfoy," I tried to make my voice as deep as possible. I tried to make it sound... sexy. I believe I succeeded because he swept me in his arms and kissed me passionately.

"Call me... Draco," he said seductively.

"Draco," I breathed as my nostrils flared violently. "You can call me... Hot Pants Harry."

"Oh my!" Draco giggled and fluttered his eyelashes. "Harry! I want you to make me feel good!"

"I will! I will!"

"DOMINATE ME, HARRY! DOMINATE ME!"

I read on further and decided that no corrections were to be made. This story was perfect in every way, shape, and form. It was so perfect that I was tempted to make an altar and worship its erotic pages. It was so perfect that I wanted to keep it, cuddle with it, and pet it. I wanted to feed it and walk it and name it Benny. I'll give it baths and groom it properly. Yes... this story was the father of all stories.

I snapped out of my daydream when I heard a horrible screeching noise. It sounded like a dying cat. I quickly ran outside, afraid that maybe Lord Voldemort had accidentally eaten and thrown up the pet cat. I told him to stop doing that!

"Boom, boom, boom, boom! I want you in my room!" the screeching noise I heard was just Lord Voldemort singing. "And spend the night together—"

"My lord," I interrupted him hastily. "What is that horrid noise coming out of your throat? Did you swallow the house elf again?"

"No," he said. "I realized that if I sing sexual songs, I write my romance novels a bit more sexily." He continued singing, "Oops, I did it again..."

I danced as he sang.

"You and me baby we ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel..."

More dancing.

"Gotta catch 'em all! Gotta catch 'em aaa-AALL...!"

I stopped dancing, "But that song isn't sexy at all."

"Yes, but..." his cheeks flushed red. "Whenever I hear that song I imagine Pikachu running with the wind blowing through his fur... it kind of gets me aroused."

Now I know where I got my perverted ways from. Or is it vice versa?

It doesn't matter. Life is wonderful.