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[I'm generally a very slow writer, but actually getting feedback for once in my life got me all inspired. Enjoy!]
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Part Two.
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Sesshoumaru was no stranger to unsettling awakenings. In particular, the first week of waking up sans left arm had been traumatizing. But through it all, he had kept a level head and an impeccable air of dignity.
And he was about as close to losing both as he'd ever been.
As he'd slowly drifted from sleep, he had in fact expected to wake in a wolf's den, possibly with the pack leader beside him.
Beside. Not on top of. Not snuggling him. Not licking his cheek. Sesshoumaru's eyes shot open.
"Morning, precious," Kouga managed to say between licks.
Sesshoumaru choked a little.
"You taste like pickled plums."
That was too much. "Remove yourself from my person."
"I thought your person liked me," Kouga said, pouting.
"A brief indiscretion. Try not to read too much into it," Sesshoumaru said without looking Kouga in the eye. He gathered a fur around himself as he searched for his clothes.
"Wait," Kouga said, as a fully-dressed Sesshoumaru strode towards the exit. "Where are you going?"
"Away."
"For how long?"
Sesshoumaru didn't answer.
"No!" Kouga said. "You can't! We're married, now, and I love you!"
"Love me?" Sesshoumaru said icily. "You don't even know my name."
Kouga sat on the rumpled bed, crestfallen. "I don't have to," he said quietly to the empty cave.
But Kouga's fiery temperament could not stay down for long. Within moments, he'd gathered his clothes, and hobbled after his straying wife while drawing them on, with hope afresh in his heart.
"This is about last night, I know!" he shouted after Sesshoumaru in the corridor, not caring who heard. "I told you we weren't doing it right, you should have listened!"
Sesshoumaru paused in the main cave to pluck a sleeping Rin from between two exhausted wolves, and went on into the light.
Where he stopped. Or froze, more like it. And, very, very, quietly, backtracked into the cave.
A hideous screech broke the morning calm.
"SESSHOOOUMARU-SAMAAAAA!"
Kouga cautiously stalked to the mouth of the cave, and peered out. A small green demon was running amok on his land, shooting fire at his pack. Which in itself would naturally lead to Death by Kouga. But there seemed to be more to it.
Kouga cracked his knuckles, and took a long, hard look at Sesshoumaru, who had the nerve to be leaning nonchalantly against the rock as if this was generally what he did this time of day. "Old boyfriend of yours?"
Sesshoumaru tried to decide which was more humiliating, Jaken being allowed to live, or ruining his reputation by claiming a relationship with that troll.
However, he was not given the chance to come to a conclusion. Several singed wolves shot into the cave, making a fearsome noise, and quickly followed by Jaken himself, who sprawled on the floor and groveled at the sight of his master.
"Please show this humble servant mercy, my lord!" Jaken moaned. "This inferior vassal promises to never touch you there again... even though that was what you told me to do... and be subservient to you, Milord, forever and ev—oh, pleeaaaseletmebackI'lldoanything!"
"Can I kill him?" Kouga asked hopefully.
Sesshoumaru was sorely tempted. Remember, he told himself, he only 'loves' you because you're beautiful. But then... if I met someone as beautiful as me, I suppose I would feel a sort of love for them as well. He remembered the time he'd met Jaken. It was a one-sided infatuation from the start. Yet it had been useful to this Sesshoumaru.
"No," Sesshoumaru said, his voice heavy with regret, "He is only a worthless minion, he cares for the child, and she would miss him."
"Please, let's keep him!" Ginta and Hakkaku shouted at the same time, warily watching Rin sleep over Sesshoumaru's shoulder.
Jaken, sensing he was forgiven, hid behind Sesshoumaru's leg.
Kouga snarled. "How dare you be so familiar with my wife! Unhand her!" He still hadn't forgotten that comment about "touching you there."
"Wife?" Jaken asked, and sputtered incoherently, until Sesshoumaru stopped him with a stern glare.
Jaken froze, and sniffed deliberately. "You... you SLUT!" he screamed at Sesshoumaru. "After all my years of loyal servitude, you—"
"Oopsie," Kouga said, having already drop-kicked Jaken out of sight. "Shikon shards in the legs, you know, I don't know my own strength," he lied innocently.
Sesshoumaru sent Kouga a conspiring smile. Kouga blinked, and it was gone.
"He'll be back," Sesshoumaru said in a dull, weary voice. He sat down at the mouth of the cave. Kouga followed his example, and Sesshoumaru leaned on him. Rin murmured in her sleep.
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"I wanna be a rice farmer!" Shippou proclaimed proudly.
"That's nice, Shippou," Kagome said, humoring the child.
"No, that's really stupid," Inuyasha said. "Demons don't grow rice."
"I don't see why not. If a demon wanted to grow rice, I don't think anyone could stop them," Kagome pointed out.
"Keh."
"It's gonna be a really, really big farm," Shippou elaborated. "I'm gonna have workers, and oxen, and five wives."
"Five?" Kagome sputtered.
"Kids grow up faster and faster these days," Sango sighed.
"An admirable goal," Miroku said, grinning knowingly.
"What?" Shippou asked, looking from face to face, confused. "I just said I wanted five wives on my paddy. I'll need them!"
"Of that, I have no doubt," Miroku intoned.
"One to cook. One to run the household. One to tell me stories. And two to clean, cause it's gonna be a really big house!"
Everyone exchanged glances.
"Ah, Shippou," Miroku explained, "those are servants. A wife is..." his eyebrows rose to his hairline, "for... other things."
Shippou frowned. "Are you saying I can't have five wives?"
"There is no reason he cannot," a cold voice said, "as long as none of them are human, that is."
Sesshoumaru. Kagome gasped. Shippou hid in her hair. Inuyasha snarled and gripped Tessaiga.
"Fluffy!" someone called. Sesshoumaru stiffened. "C'mere and give me some sugar!"
Inuyasha blinked. "Fluffy?"
Kouga showed up in a flash and kissed Sesshoumaru deeply. Kagome covered Shippou's eyes. Inuyasha's brain exploded.
"I think we found those jewel shards I sensed," Kagome said falteringly, winning her the 'understatement of the year' award.
Kouga looked up at them abruptly. "Kagome," he said in a breathy whisper. Then, in a very different tone, "Dog turd."
Inuyasha was too stunned to respond to this. "Fluffy?" he said dazedly.
"I think he's broken," Sango said, poking him.
Kilala mewed affirmatively.
Kouga resisted the urge to run up to Kagome, tell her he loved her, and demand that she marry him. Because he was already married, to a wonderful woman. Okay, she was a little strange sometimes, but not the point. Kagome had humiliated him. So he'd dumped her. Yeah, that was the way it happened! Served her right! She'd be sorry now! He stuck his chin out a little.
"Kagome," he said, "I'd like you to meet my wife, Sesshoumaru." He put an arm around his bride to make a point.
After about thirty seconds, with a conscious effort, Kagome managed to close her mouth.
Shippou tugged at her sleeve. "Kagome," he said, "I changed my mind. I don't want any wives on my paddy. Not one."
Oh yeah, she was jealous. Just look at her. "Kagome, the least you could do is be happy for me, now that I've found the right woman," Kouga said, feigning hurt.
Inuyasha made a few false starts, opening and closing his mouth without sound. Then he seemed to find exactly the words he was looking for. "SESSHOUMARU! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"
"Wait, you know her? Oh, God, my poor Sesshoumaru-chan isn't the dog turd's ex, is she?"
Sesshoumaru relished the moment. "Do you disapprove of my choice in husbands, little brother?"
"Hu-hu-husbands?" Inuyasha sputtered.
"Wait, you're related to that thing?" Kouga said incredulously. "How disgusting! Uh, I mean, you're nothing like him. You must be the jewel of your family."
Miroku popped up beside Kouga unexpectedly. "You know," he said in a lowered voice, "I'd be lying if I said I'd never considered it, Sesshoumaru is quite the beauty, but really, wasn't it a bit unfair of you to propose to Kagome when there were things like this you hadn't quite worked out of your system?"
Kouga punched him.
"Wow, Sango," Miroku said, "he hits almost as hard as you!"
Sango smiled proudly, leaned on her weapon, and enjoyed the show.
"But, um," Shippou said, "Sesshoumaru's not a girl!"
"Yeah!" Inuyasha seconded vehemently.
"How stupid do I look!" Kouga said angrily. Everybody tactfully refrained from comment. "Of course I know Sesshoumaru's not a girl, I have eyes! Not to mention we've slept together. I know the difference between a girl and a woman, and Sesshoumaru's a woman!"
Somewhere under all that hair and attitude, Sesshoumaru may have been blushing.
"I think we've found someone even dumber than you, Inuyasha," Miroku said.
Kagome looked at her feet.
"No," Inuyasha said, perfectly calm. "Sesshoumaru is not a woman. She—ugh, he is my older brother. Well, half-brother, as he loves to remind me."
Sesshoumaru attempted fratricide via eyeballs.
"Aw," Kagome said, pouting, "You didn't have to out him, that was mean!"
It was Kouga's brain's turn to explode. Kaplooie.
Miroku winced in sympathy.
"Fluffy?" he said to Sesshoumaru, brokenly.
Sesshoumaru looked away.
Kouga looked from Sesshoumaru to Inuyasha and back, and did some mental arithmetic.
"Wait, wait," he said. "Let me understand this. I married Dog-turd's brother, right? So... that makes us brother-in-laws. Now, if he, (Dog-turd) then goes and marries Kagome, that makes her my sister, right? And then, what if we both cheat on our spouses, admit our destiny, and have a sultry, carnal affair, as is inevitable..." He winked at Kagome here, and Sesshoumaru kicked him. Kagome giggled. "Would that be incest? And wait, wait. Does any of this make me gay?"
Kouga frowned as the worst of it hit him. Wait, no, it got worse. He fainted. Sesshoumaru caught him daintily.
"Quick, take his jewel shards!" Inuyasha yelled triumphantly.
Kagome caught him by a lock of hair. "Shame on you! You're the one that messed everything up with your big mouth, now you stay until everything's fixed!"
Inuyasha wilted slightly. "But—but! He would have found out anyway, I mean, come on! No one's that dumb!"
"Honestly," Miroku said, "if he didn't know by this point..."
"How does that work, anyway?" Sango asked, tilting her head, and looking at the newlyweds.
"I could show you," Miroku offered.
"What, with Inuyasha?" she asked, intrigued.
"HELL NO!" Inuyasha interrupted.
"No, with us. There's a way to do that with a woman, too, you know."
Sango's eyes crossed momentarily. "I have no idea what you're taking about, but I'm sure it's perverted!" She slapped him.
"You really do hit harder than Kouga. Are you sure you're not a man?"
"Of course I'm not!" Sango said, outraged.
"Would you mind showing me? Just to be sure."
Slap!
"Don't worry," Kagome said to Sesshoumaru, "Inuyasha and I are going to help you."
Inuyasha mumbled something unintelligible and inspected his claws.
Sesshoumaru checked if the Glare-o-Death had become any more effective since he'd last used it five minutes ago. No such luck. "I don't need your pity," he said scorchingly.
"Perhaps, but you do need us, since you can't very well carry Kouga back to the den with one arm," she pointed out unforgivingly.
"Yes, and exactly whose fault is that?" Sesshoumaru accused, looking directly at Inuyasha.
"Yours, for trying to kill me?" Inuyasha mumbled under his breath.
"What was that?" Kagome asked in a dangerous tone.
Inuyasha sighed. "Nothing."
"I thought so. Now let's try to make things right." With that, she strode towards Sesshoumaru fearlessly.
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[A/N- Some reviewers (!heart! loff!) had various questions about Kouga and Sesshoumaru's motives... generally, these things will either be revealed as the story progresses, or I don't have an answer for it. Kouga/Sesshoumaru isn't exactly canon, you know, so if you try to write anything deeper than "and they realized how much they'd always wanted to shag, so they did, and then they did it again, and then they did it in twelve different positions on Wednesday," there are going to be plot holes. For that I am sorry, I did try to be clever.
Also, since Inuyasha is from Japanese, i.e., an eastern Asian language, there are going to be variations on how things are spelled. Especially when the translators decide to change it from the standardized romanization to make it more palatable to those round-eyed, long-nosed American barbarians. -.-; Generally, I spell the names as a direct romanization of the kana.
Tessaiga/Tetsusaiga is an issue in its own right. On the adult swim dub, it is spelled/pronounced Tetsusaiga. However, in the Japanese version, it's spelled/pronounced Tessaiga, and when I say spelled, I don't mean in the subtitles, I mean in the furigana. However, I saw some raw Inuyasha manga, and in that, it was Tetsusaiga. Maybe that's what Takahashi named it, and it was awkward to pronounce? I don't know. I chose Tessaiga, because when I watch the subs, that's what I hear Inuyasha say. Really, either is acceptable.
Do I really intend to write Inuyasha/Kagome's mom? I might at that. It certainly wouldn't be the most controversial thing I've written. That prize would undoubtedly go to my very long, very angsty Kohaku/Naraku non-con I'm currently writing on the side. I haven't posted it here, or anywhere else, partly because I don't want to get in trouble, (even though it's not very graphic, it's graphic enough) and partly because there are some very real perverts in this world, and while I just wrote it for the symbolism and such, I didn't want one of them getting off on it, and possibly hurting someone. Someday I might edit it down to an R, and see about posting it, but it just wouldn't be the same story that way.
I also want to write some of my other serious fics, such as a Trigun one, (alas, no pairings! Just a lot of deep psychology!) and a Kiba/Tsume Wolf's Rain fic. Is it obvious that I like yaoi? Hooray for yaoi!
If you've actually bothered to read my very, very long author's notes, you get a cookie. If your eyes are glazed over, you get an apology. If you're humping my leg, you get a flyswatter. Everyone wins.
There is a next chapter, or will be when I write it. Fun! More gender confusion than Ranma in Fushigi Yuugi!