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[I'd like to take this moment to thank someone, Cainchan, without whom I never would have written this fic. In fact, I wouldn't be writing at all. You work miracles, bro, I love you.]
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Part Three:
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"Why the HELL are we helping him again, Kagome?" Inuyasha snarled from Kouga's armpit.
"Because," she said, flustered, "You're—"
"I married Dog-turd's brother!" Kouga said in shock. He twitched, and fainted again.
"You're brothers! And—"
"Half brothers," Sesshoumaru reminded.
"You shush!" Kagome chided. "You're family, the only family you have! That should mean something!"
"Oh, hey, I just realized something," Kouga said, coming to. "I MARRIED DOG-TURD'S BROTHER!" Sesshoumaru patted his head lovingly. Kouga smiled dazedly and fainted.
"Inuyasha has a point for once, I must admit," Miroku said, sharing his end of Kouga with Sango.
Inuyasha's eyebrow developed a tic. "For once?"
"Sesshoumaru has tried rather earnestly to kill us on a number of occasions," he continued, ignoring Inuyasha.
Sesshoumaru winked at Shippou, who hid in Kagome's hair. Kagome grinned—there had been no malice in that, it was more like a favored uncle playing monster.
"That's exactly my point, though," Kagome said, keeping her eye on Sesshoumaru. "Family shouldn't do that. They should be there for each other, love each other, like me and Souta! Like Sango, she'd never forsake her family." Kagome winced having said that, wondering if she'd gone too far.
"You're a very kind person," Sango said, "to want Inuyasha to have a brother. But Kagome, my brother isn't a youkai. There's a difference, you know?"
"I'm a youkai!" Shippou chimed in.
"Yeah, but you're cute, so you don't count," Kagome said, ruffling his hair.
Sango blushed. "I—I think Sesshoumaru is cute."
Everyone, including Sesshoumaru himself, looked at Sango as if she had gone insane.
"...is not cute," Inuyasha muttered under his breath.
Miroku raised an eyebrow.
"Hey, does everybody here know I married Dog-turd's brother?" Kouga said before fainting.
"Oof," Inuyasha said, "what does this guy eat, rocks? He weighs a ton!"
Sesshoumaru smirked slightly. "You always were the weaker one."
Inuyasha straightened up, and made a big show of Kouga-not-being-heavy.
"Sesshouuumaruu-samaaa" cried a blur launching itself at Sesshoumaru.
Inuyasha blinked. "Hey, did Jaken just get girlier?"
"It's a girl!" Kagome proclaimed, winning her the stating-the-obvious of the year award. Quite a collection she was getting.
Rin grinned sheepishly from Sesshoumaru's hair.
"Oh, this is just disgusting!" Inuyasha announced to the world. "Kouga was one thing, but I didn't know you were into kids, too!"
"Boy, he doesn't even slow down for the red lights," Kagome said, amazed.
"Sesshoumaru-sama?" Rin said, "Why is Mr. Angry Face yelling at you?"
Inuyasha's eyebrow tic made a comeback. "Where is Jaken, anyway?" he asked, partially to change the subject. "Isn't his nose usually stuck up your ass this time of day?"
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Little did Inuyasha know, but Jaken, at that very moment, was entertaining thoughts of an eerily similar nature. And crying. Or, as close to crying as he came, which was wailing and thrashing while his nose ran.
He was carrying on in this fashion rather shamelessly, when out of the corner of his eye, he saw a tall stately figure, with a great deal of white fur. Could it be? He hiccuped and looked around hopefully.
His heart sunk immediately. Not only was it not his beloved Sesshoumaru, but he was going to die in a moment or two. Because it was Naraku, and there was no Sesshoumaru to hide behind. He cowered before the baboon-pelt clad figure.
"Rise, minion," Naraku said smoothly. "I bear you no ill will... for the moment."
Jaken gulped. But he was listening.
"You wish to be back by your master's side, do you not?" Naraku asked, almost kindly.
"More than anything does this humble servant wish that," Jaken said fervently, "but, if I may be so bold, what interest would one such as yourself have in that?"
"Do not concern yourself with matters above your station. I have, in my generosity, offered to help you. Do you insult me by refusing?" The threat in his voice was subtle, but Jaken did not miss it.
"Please, oh great lord, my only concern is that one so important as yourself should not be troubled with my petty trifles. Surely there is some advantage for you, great lord?" Jaken asked, a hard glint in his eye.
Naraku chuckled. "Let me show you that I am an honest man," he said, and with that, pulled off his pelt. He looked at Jaken with that sort of aggressive pout favored by male models.
Jaken wibbled.
"See," Naraku said, taking full advantage of how his deep, sonorous voice complimented his looks, "you have no reason to distrust me. This Naraku does not reveal himself to just anyone, so this means something."
Jaken was enjoying the view a tad too much. Naraku shuddered.
"Th-thank you, my lord," Jaken said, kissing Naraku's feet humbly. "Thank you so much for this."
Naraku's eyes narrowed. Just endure.
"Come," Naraku said, "we have many things to discuss." Naraku smiled in satisfaction. He had been right not to send Kagura to do this. There were just some things a man needed to do himself.
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"Ooooh, my head!" Kouga groaned. Ginta and Hakkaku rushed to his side, patting and stroking his head appeasingly, and generally being useless. "Ugh, stop that, you two, you're making me dizzy."
"Sorry," Hakkaku said, sitting on his hands.
"This is the head you meant, right?" Ginta asked nervously.
"YES!" Kouga bellowed. "Sit down, you idiot."
Ginta sat abruptly.
"Damn, what happened? I feel like my brain exploded or something." Ginta and Hakkaku exchanged glances.
"Wait," he said, remembering. "Kagome's here, isn't she?" He was on his feet in a flash, and clasped both hands to his head. Ginta and Hakkaku watched, wincing sympathetically. Kouga tried to shake it off, regretted it, and went on ahead anyway, his minions in tow.
"Boss, you remember about the—" Hakkaku began.
"YES ALREADY!" Kouga vented at him, and, at the pain in his head, continued in a softer voice. "We never speak of it again, okay?"
They continued in silence a moment. Then Kouga turned to them. "Is Sesshoumaru still here?"
Ginta and Hakkaku looked at one another, and back at Kouga, and said nothing.
"Okay! I changed my mind! You can talk about it! But quickly!"
"Um, behind you, actually," Hakkaku said.
Kouga whirled. "You!" he said.
"Me?" Sesshoumaru said innocently/
"Um, that's all I've got. But I really mean it!" he said lamely.
"Right." Sesshoumaru nodded slightly. "Me."
"What was I doing just now?" Kouga whispered discreetly to Ginta.
"Looking for Kagome?" Ginta suggested.
"Oh, yes, that. I knew that. And you," he said, turning again to Sesshoumaru, one hand pointing at him and wagging slightly, the other firmly on his forehead, "you... stay here."
Sesshoumaru raised an eyebrow.
Kouga fled.
Rin popped up, looked at Sesshoumaru a moment, and went after Kouga.
Kouga ran faster.
"He's lost it," Hakkaku whispered to Ginta, with one eye on Sesshoumaru.
"Oh, yeah," Ginta replied.
Both shook their heads sadly.
"What do we do?" Hakkaku asked nervously.
"What do we always do? Come on," Ginta said, taking Hakkaku's hand for courage and squeezing it slightly. Hakkaku gulped and squeezed back.
Sesshoumaru wondered if he'd ever get his eyebrow back down.
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Kagome, as it turned out, was not difficult to find. He need only follow the neverending ranting of her offensive companion.
"Can you believe it? That ASSHOLE had to get me related to yet another ASSHOLE, just because the damned fool can't tell difference between male and female, though if you ask me he was always a bit fruity, I swear he groped me whenever we fought, and—"
"Please," Kagome pleaded, "get off me, you smell like Kouga's armpit."
Kouga stopped and sniffed his armpit. Didn't know what Kagome was talking about, it was definitely an improvement on the hanyou's rank odor.
"Well who ordered me to carry him?" Inuyasha retorted in an ugly, and rather immature tone. "And that's ANOTHER thing! Like I don't have enough problems being related to every other scumbag in Japan, you have to come along and tell me to help them! What's next, I gotta make Naraku a tea cozy? Heaven forbid he should ruin my life without a warm cup of tea! And you just—"
And so on, and so forth. Kouga was beginning to miss being unconscious. Really, the brothers, (yes, brothers, ouch) were nothing at all alike. Sesshoumaru had never made such a racket. Against his better judgement, Kouga was appreciating that.
"ENOUGH!" he yelled, bursting into the clearing. "Leave her alone, Dog-turd!"
"Isn't that 'brother Dog-turd?'" Inuyasha said smugly.
"Kagome, darling, how can you stand him?" Kouga asked, clasping her hands delicately.
"Oh, he's just having one of his fits," she said blushing. "He doesn't mean it, you know, it's just to help him deal."
Kouga shook his head in disapproval. "You shouldn't have to endure such—"
Clunk.
Kouga's eyes crossed as he looked up at Tessaiga, which had landed nicely on his head, but not with enough force to cut him.
Kagome felt a surge of pride. Inuyasha was learning. When she'd met him, he would have thought nothing of simply cutting Kouga in half. Now he understood that simply showing that he could was enough in some cases. Imagine! Inuyasha learning subtlety! She grinned widely. Both men misunderstood it.
Rin chose this moment to launch herself at Kouga's leg and try to climb it.
Kouga contracted some new and interesting facial tics.
"Let. Go. Of. Her." Inuyasha said evenly.
Kouga dropped Kagome's hands like hot potatoes, and ran out from under Tessaiga to a better position, grateful for his speed. Disappointingly, Rin had managed to hold on. He shook his leg uselessly.
"Look," he said, picking Rin up by the back of her kimono, "you take the girl your emotional age, and I'll have Kagome. Fair?"
Inuyasha opened his mouth to object, but was distracted by the flying girl coming his direction. By the time he'd caught her, Kagome was gone.
Kouga paused momentarily in the treetop above where they had been standing. He really should do a gender check, after last time. Not that he thought Kagome could be a boy, but he hadn't thought that of Sesshoumaru, either, so... holding her daintily, he sniffed her crotch. Kagome paid him in kind with a foot. He dropped her.
Luckily, Inuyasha caught her. This seemed to be the motif for the day. Vaguely he wondered if Sango was about to fall off Kilala or anything.
Rin clapped.
Kouga frowned. "No, that wasn't right," he said. "Not right at all."
"Ha! That's what you get!" Inuyasha gloated.
"No, I meant..." Kouga said, searching for the words, "Kagome! Did you plan on telling me you were a man?"
Inuyasha's jaw dropped. So did Kagome.
"Oof! And, uh no?" Kagome managed to say.
"Wait, this makes no sense," Inuyasha said. "Miroku's seen her naked. I've seen her naked," (insert angry glare from Kagome here) "and, unlike some people, I happen to know the difference between male and female!"
Kouga glared mistrustfully from his branch. "Something's not right, I tell you."
"Okay," Kagome said, "let's settle this, right here, right now!" She gripped her hem determinedly.
"Oh, like HELL you will!" Inuyasha objected loudly, grabbing her wrists.
"Wow, what did I miss?" Miroku said, looking like he might pass out from lack of blood to his brain.
"Kagome was just about to prove she's a woman," Kouga explained, jumping down to the ground.
"Well then by all means, continue!" Miroku said, making a sweeping gesture with one hand. Sango stepped on his foot. Kilala developed that 'I'm-surrounded-by-crazy-people' look again.
"Miroku," Kagome pleaded, "Tell him. You saw me, I look like a woman, right?"
"Ah," Miroku sighed, enjoying the memory. "It was a dark night, a little bit cool, somewhat humid, when I first saw her in all her loveliness. Her breasts were as perfect and firm as—"
"BOTTOM LINE, Bouzu," Inuyasha said threateningly.
"I knew you felt the way I did!" Miroku said with a twinkle in his eye. "Yes, I was just getting to her bottom. It was—"
"DID SHE HAVE A JOHNSON OR DIDN'T SHE???" Inuyasha blurted out.
Kagome died of mortification that moment, forever leaving a hollow shell to walk the earth in her place.
"Nope, Johnson-free."
"There you have it, now that we're all settled and everyone knows everyone's gender..." Inuyasha paused and sniffed. "Kagome... you do smell odd."
He'd never thought about it before, but the first time he'd smelled Kagome, he'd thought it was Kikyou. On closer inspection, they had smelled different, but he had focused on the similarities, not the differences. Kagome didn't smell male, exactly, but Kouga was right, something was amiss.
Kagome blushed and examined a pebble by her toe. This wasn't going to end well.
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[A/N Did you almost feel sorry for Jaken a moment there? Don't worry, he's got a new studmuffin to worship. Jaken/Naraku, you know you want it! cringes at the sounds of vomiting Or not...
And the prize for "most sexually slanted line in this chapter" goes to: ""Inuyasha has a point for once, I must admit," Miroku said, sharing his end of Kouga with Sango." I'm sorry, I know that's innocent, but I was giggling like a Japanese schoolgirl when I wrote that. Think of the possibilities!
Don't worry, everything starts to make sense in a chapter or two. Well, most things, anyhow. Okay, fine, my characters are inexplicable and confusing. But since you're reading the AN for chapter three, I take it you're coping somehow.
So, why did I say Kilala instead of Kirara? Well, at the risk of being really really boring: Japanese has a 'curled R,' something not represented in the roman alphabet. It doesn't matter whether you say L or R, both are close but neither is it, I could just as easily say 'Sesshoumalu,' but aren't you glad that I don't? Anyway, Kilala was chosen for the dub on the grounds that "it flows better" and I'm inclined to agree.
Bouzu, for those who don't watch the subs, is a nasty term for a Buddhist monk. I put things in English when I can, but I just couldn't find a better way to say that.
Chapter four is imminent! I return from my tangent, and get back to Kouga/Sesshoumaru (...eventually) and I am trying to keep this PG13, but dammit it's hard! This was originally supposed to be PG, but that just wasn't happening. ]