Disclaimer: Just because I forgot a disclaimer until the fifth chapter doesn't make it any less valid. Behold the power of the printed word!

Ahem. Don't own, don't sue. Especially not Mary Sue. But I might be able to cope if you sued the pants off me. Please? And the knickers while you're at it.

Kouga really needed to consult his minions.

So where the hell were they?

He paced the cave, trying to think, which had never really been his forte.

Dammit, he'd always thought being dashing and charming, and strongest of his pack would be enough. Why wasn't it?

Sesshoumaru gazed at him coolly. "If you really think we need an irrigation trench in the cave, there are faster ways to do it."

"Huh?" Kouga said. "Oh... the pacing." He stopped and frowned at Sesshoumaru. "You're not helping, you know."

Sesshoumaru inspected his nails.

"You and the brat have been trouble right from the start."

Sesshoumaru showed the beginnings of a glare. "Interesting, coming from the man who goes around kissing and marrying people willy-nilly."

Kouga didn't have a defense for that, so he said, "Did you just say 'willy-nilly?'"

Sesshoumaru scowled. "Just tell me your problem, you obviously want to."

Kouga sat down beside his 'wife,' and sighed. "What do you think of Kagome?"

"I'm prettier than her," Sesshoumaru deadpanned.

Kouga smiled a little.

"If you want something," Sesshoumaru advised at last, "you should take it. Never second guess yourself, your heart usually has a good reason for wanting it. Don't worry about the future, it's rarely as you imagined it, anyway. The most any of us can do is keep happy in the present."

"Wow, where'd you learn that?"

"Just a little trick called 'thinking things through.'"

Kouga shrugged. "Never heard of it," he said, leaning in to kiss.

Of course, that's exactly when Ginta and Hakkaku came stumbling in, with twigs and reeds in their hair.

Neither Kouga nor Sesshoumaru showed any intention of stopping. They were alphas, after all. Their needs came first. Though Kouga commended them mentally on their rotten timing.

Ginta tilted his head, and inspected the scene as if it were a fascinating experiment, with an unpredictable outcome.

"Come on, that's not nice," Hakkaku said, dragging a reluctant Ginta away by the arm.

At that inopportune moment, Rin came prancing over. "Sesshoumaru-sama?" she called uncertainly.

"He's busy now, little girl," Hakkaku explained.

Rin pouted.

The mighty wolf-youkai backed away from her little-girl wrath.

"Th-there's no need to get angry," Hakkaku said trembling.

"Rin want to see Sesshoumaru-sama now," she demanded, stomping her little foot imperiously. "It's about food."

"Oi, Kouga!" Ginta said loud enough to be heard in the den. "Look out, the brat's coming in!"

Groans of disappointment were heard, and a hasty "Get your hand out of there."

Rin shrugged and went in.

Sesshoumaru and Kouga were standing apart, the latter was tugging the furs he wore into their proper arrangement.

"What's up, kid?" Kouga asked, trying to be nice.

Rin stuck her tongue out at him.

"Rin," Sesshoumaru said softly.

"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama!" she piped up eagerly.

"What was so urgent you had to interrupt my important business?"

"Ah, sorry Sesshoumaru-sama! But there was a creepy man in the woods, and he fed me, and maybe he was Jaken's boyfriend, and he had a lot of teeth, and the rice-ball was yummy, and he said to meet him tonight on Aoyama, for a banquet! Can we please please go, 'cause tree bark hurts my tummy!" she said in a breathless rush.

Kouga and Sesshoumaru exchanged glances.

"What do you think?" Kouga asked.

"Well, she might sleep better tonight on a full stomach. And, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to meet the neighbors," Sesshoumaru replied.

"You know, it's probably Naraku." Kouga said. "He's been trying to kill me for a while, now."

"Oh, you too?" Sesshoumaru said. "Well, if it's him, we can always kill him."

"And then can we take all his food?" Rin asked hopefully.

Sesshoumaru patted her head. "That's my girl."

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After defeating yet another mindless mononoke, Inuyasha leaned on his sword. He felt sometimes like Tessaiga was the last thing in this world he could rely on. It might seem small and worthless, but it grew many times its original size when the need arose, thrusting proudly from its small patch of fur, ready to penetrate any foe. This had always seemed so right to him, for a reason he couldn't quite put his finger on.

Inuyasha continued on his way, singing a lullaby to himself that his mother had often put him to sleep with. It was a guilty pleasure, but comforting to him.

"Boyano komoriwa dokoe it ta

Anoyama koete satoe it ta

Sato no miyage ni nani morata

Denden taikoni sho no fue

Sho no fue"

[What will she bring baby

when she does come?

A flute so lovely

and a thunderous drum.

And a thunderous drum.]

Then, over the next hill, was Toutousai's abode. And Toutousai himself. Dressed as a geisha. Dancing.

Inuyasha choked, and clung to his sword like a teddy bear.

Toutousai sauntered over. "And who might this young specimen be? Say, didn't I make that sword?"

Inuyasha watched the old swordmaster's hips sway, and whimpered. He held Tessaiga at arm's length between them. "D-Don't you remember me? I'm Inuyasha! And I'm all man, okay?"

"Inu-yasha," Toutousai turned over thoughtfully. "Nope, not a clue. I remember an Inutaishou like it was yesterday, though." He got a disturbing look in his eye, and licked his lips.

"My fa—No, no, I do not want to know."

"Well, you didn't come here to reminisce, and you didn't come here to dance" here he looked Inuyasha up and down, "...unfortunately, so why are you bothering me?"

"I came to train," Inuyasha said, in his manliest voice, "with my big thrusty sword."

Toutousai considered. "Yes, I suppose that could be arranged... I'd want something in return, though."

Well, that wasn't too unreasonable, Inuyasha thought, missing the suggestive tone in Toutousai's voice. "I'd be willing to do chores and such of course," he said, "fix up the cave, build you an outhouse, whatever needs doing."

"Oh, Inu-whatever!" Toutousai declared, clutching his geisha heart. "It's me that needs doing!"

Inuyasha blinked. No, he did not just hear that. Close your eyes and it'll go away. Nen nen kororiyo okororiyo... I can't hear you....

"I'll train your sword... Won't you make a woman out of me?" Toutousai pleaded, coming closer.

Inuyasha vomited.

Toutousai held his hair thoughtfully. "Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, I wish," Inuyasha groaned, "I wish."

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"I had a thought," Kouga said, index finger in the air.

"Was it lonely?"

Kouga blinked. "Um, yes, but... oh, great, now you've distracted me."

Sesshoumaru smiled a little.

They approached the designated place, a modest mansion. Rin happily skipped to the door.

"Rin, wait," Sesshoumaru said, not wanting her to go in first without knowing what was in there. Then, not wanting it to be obvious how much he cared about her, he added, "Did I raise you in a barn?"

Rin pouted. "No, Sesshoumaru-sama, you raised me in the woods."

"Because the woods are just famous for their high-class manners," Kouga said, smirking.

Rin wiped her nose on her sleeve. "Mamaners?" she said, perplexed.

Sesshoumaru facepalmed. "Let's just go meet this fellow, shall we?" he said, opening the door hurriedly.

And stood face to face with no other than Jaken. Or face to shins, anyway. "Oh, my lord, you've come!" Jaken declared, gluing himself to his true love.

While Sesshoumaru was thus detained, Rin shot past him, and buried herself in food.

"I'm so glad you've arrived," said a voice far too beautiful to be kind. "please, have a seat, help yourselves. There are many things to discuss."

Kouga bristled. Sesshoumaru stopped trying to disengage his loyal vassal, and looked up, an unreadable expression on his face.

"I swore I'd kill you, Naraku," Kouga snarled.

"Troglodyte," Naraku sneered, "I've come here in peace, would you be the one to break that? I see only two wolves with you, one human child, and a dog, this seems hardly the time for you to pick a fight." He glared meaningfully at all of them, Ginta and Hakkaku shrank behind Kouga, who considered carefully, Sesshoumaru narrowed his eyes, and Rin stuffed her face, not having heard a word of that.

One by one they sat down, not taking their eyes off Naraku.

"So..." Naraku began awkwardly, fumbling for an icebreaker. "I hear your marriage has been rather rocky. Care to ask for advice on anything?"

"Oh, like you'd know anything about marriage," Kouga spat.

"Well, admittedly, I haven't taken the plunge," Naraku said somewhat nervously, "but I know a thing or two about keeping a mate in line. Isn't that right, Kagura?"

Kagura glared daggers at him from her black eye. "Monster."

Naraku chuckled. "Quite. But you see, she'd never lie to me, because I'd torture her horribly, and I already know what gender she is, because I made her myself! It's the ideal relationship."

"Spare us," Sesshoumaru drawled. "You can't even handle Jaken, you pathetic weakling."

"This miserable servant is so very sorry, master, he used his feminine wiles on me, he did!" Jaken moaned wretchedly.

"Shut up, you will be dealt with later," Sesshoumaru snapped. Jaken cringed.

Kouga scratched his head. "Wait a minute," he said, "are you two saying that you're so bad at interpersonal relationships, you needed to get a midget to serve you sex in the night?"

Naraku looked offended. "It's hard being evil! No one likes me!"

Kagura spit in a cup of tea, and served her master with a smile.

"Ah, Kagura," he said, looking for someone to torment. "Dance for our guests, will you?"

"Bite me."

"Quite," Naraku said, twitching. He grabbed her by the hair, and hissed something in her ear about "...in front of company."

"Get Kohaku to do it," she pleaded.

"Kohaku's dead," Naraku argued. "You have better rhythm than he does."

"Look at him, arguing with his own incarnation," Kouga snickered.

"Whi-caw!" Ginta said gleefully, miming a whip.

Sesshoumaru ran his fingers through his bangs.

"Kanna will be providing the night's entertainment," Naraku announced at last.

"No need," Kouga said confidently, "your little lover's spat has been as entertaining as we could wish for."

Ginta and Hakkaku hooted in a crude chorus.

Naraku cast Kagura his 'I will burn you' look.

Sesshoumaru took notes.

Rin looked around uncertainly. "Is this kind of food all right, Sesshoumaru-sama?" she asked, having never had meat before.

Sesshoumaru nodded, so she ate it. She looked at him in amazement when she tasted it. Hungrily, she reached for a similar platter, but Sesshoumaru held out his hand and shook his head.

"What's wrong with it," Kouga whispered to him, "is it poisoned?"

"No," Sesshoumaru replied, "but it's human."

"What's wrong with that? I love humans, they're delic—" he wilted under Sesshoumaru's glare. "I suppose that would be kind of wrong. For her to eat it, I mean."

When he thought Sesshoumaru wasn't looking, he reached for the food in question, though.

Rin passed out from over-stuffing herself, and nearly drowned in a bowl of soup, luckily, Sesshoumaru had been keeping an eye on her, and came to her rescue.

"Take her to the cave and put her to bed," Sesshoumaru said, passing the sticky mess of a child to Ginta.

"Both of you take care of her," Kouga ordered.

The wolves wrinkled up their noses at Rin, and with long-suffering expressions, were off.

"Where is that Kanna, anyhow?" Naraku asked loudly. "Kagura, haven't you fetched her, yet?" He looked around, and counted heads. "Odd, both she and the troll are—" he stormed off.

From the next room, blows could be heard, and a plaintive call of "It's not easy being green!"

Kouga and Sesshoumaru exchanged glances.

"Perhaps we should have stayed in tonight after all," Sesshoumaru said, irked.

"Are you kidding?" Kouga said incredulously, grinning from ear to ear. "I wouldn't miss this show for the world!"

Sesshoumaru started in on the saké, and got ready for a long night.

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[A/N- So, what happens when you have a drunk Sesshoumaru, a frisky Jaken, entertainment by Kanna, and a senile old man dressed as a geisha? Well, not Inuyasha's sanity, I'll tell you that. Next time!

Q&A:

Q- Why did you take so long to write this?

Because I was busy writing Kohaku/Kanna, and Kohaku/Sango.

Q- Interesting. Why are you such a sick fuck?

Wow, that's exactly what my mom said! Did she send you?

Q- Fine then. Why didn't you at least send this chapter as soon as you finished it, instead of hanging on to it a day or two?

Hello, evil? Also I was sleeping.

Q- For twenty-six hours???

Yes. Funny story about that. Only I'm not going to tell you. But it's funny.

Oh, and the lullaby Inuyasha sings is Edo Komoriuta, a traditional Japanese lullaby. Since Edo is the old name for Tokyo, I figure it's reasonable that Inuyasha's mom sung him this as a child. And I get a gold star for research!

Rin hasn't had meat because Japan was largely Buddhist at the time. Pork was occasionally used to fend off malnutrition, but it was for the rich, and since Rin seems to have been poor even before she was orphaned, I doubt she'd had any. Fish doesn't count, that was allowed, and she is seen fishing in the show.

I wibbled some more over the rating, but if Lexx was TV-14, then this is PG-13, as it's lighthearted, naughtiness is generally implied, and, um, Xev's outfit. Wait, Kagome's skirt.

Now all I can think about is Xev's outfit and Kagome's skirt. Gee thanks.]