Disclaimer: Okay, technically you could probably sue me for this, but I. Have. No. Money. Can't get blood from a stone, peoples.

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"You're senile."

"What's that? Oh, no, I don't think that's true..." Toutousai said with his eyes crossed, trying to catch an invisible firefly.

"Well, you're insane, then," Inuyasha countered.

"Hmm," Toutousai considered. "No, I don't think so. Maybe it's you that is insane!"

Inuyasha was about to knock Toutousai right on his senile head, but seemed to think the better of touching him.

"Right," Inuyasha said. "But none of this is my fault, okay? You were like this before I got to you.—Hey, has a guy in a baboon pelt been here? He might have done this. Not sure it's his style, but..." –he glanced at Toutousai, who fanned himself, and sent Inuyasha a 'come hither' look– "...he's certainly evil enough."

"I'm under a spell," Toutousai said dramatically. "Yes, it must have been your baboon man, or whatever. There's only one way to break it... a kiss!"

"You're joking."

"And, you know, if the kiss doesn't work, for some reason, we should just keep going, and see what happens."

"How could you even want to kiss me? I just threw up!" Inuyasha said incredulously.

"Eh, I've had worse." He puckered up and advanced on Inuyasha.

Inuyasha fled up a tree, like a cornered raccoon. "Look, Toutousai! You're barking up the wrong tree! Literally!"

"Mm, Inutaishou used to bark," Toutousai said dreamily.

"No, please, I'm gonna hurl again," Inuyasha whimpered. "Scary mental place!"

"Well, you are carrying his sword, the one I made for him," Toutousai pointed out. "Out of his tooth no less, the kinky old dog. Ooh, we had some good times when I was making that sword... He said to make it like a fang, but really I modeled it after my favorite part of his body... ooh, just thinking about it gives me shivers!"

Inuyasha held out Tessaiga like it had betrayed him. "Fine! Take it! Take the sword!" He hurled Tessaiga to the ground. "Take everything!" He pulled off his haori and threw that to Toutousai too. "Take the clothes off my back! Take my sanity! Hell, take Kagome, she'd probably love you! Take my brother—if you haven't already! Take my respect for my father! Take my lunch! Take my hair! Here!" He ripped out a clump and tossed that, too. "But you'll never have me!" He jumped into the air, and ran through the trees, cackling.

Toutousai blinked, put on Inuyasha's haori, put the clump of Inuyasha' hair on his head, and struck a pose with Tessaiga. "Really, I don't understand what's wrong with young people these days," he muttered to himself as he sauntered away.

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Kouga clapped enthusiastically. "Dog-turd deserves what he got!"

As Sesshoumaru drank his saké, he wondered if Tenseiga would cure him if he went blind.

"Oh, sorry," Kouga said. "That's your brother, I keep forgetting."

"Don't worry," Sesshoumaru slurred, "I can't shtand him either."

"Is there anything else you'd like to see?" Kanna asked in her empty little voice.

"Saké!" Sesshoumaru demanded, holding up his saucer. An image of saké appeared on her mirror. Sesshoumaru frowned. "No, that will not do."

Naraku motioned to Kagura, who poured Sesshoumaru his saké, and seemed intent on pouring herself all over him in the process.

Somehow, her kimono was coming undone and slipping off her, Sesshoumaru had half a mind to demand she teach him how to do that, until Kagura found just the right angle to show off her cleavage. Sesshoumaru's eyebrow twitched, and he helped himself to saké straight from the jug.

"How about you show me Kagome now?" Kouga requested. The mirror swirled, and Kouga squinted, trying to make out what he was seeing. "What is that? Another hanyou? Boy, that girl can pick them, huh?"

"Boygirl," Sesshoumaru said, and laughed until saké came out his nose.

Kagura, who was draped over his lap like a cat, looked up at him warmly. "I'm so glad you feel comfortable enough in my presence to laugh like that! Why don't you go kill Naraku as painfully as possible, so we can make love for days on end?"

"Kouga, I've got one of those things on me, whatdoyoucallthem?" Sesshoumaru said somewhat desperately.

"What, a woman?"

"That might have been it. Just get it off."

"Uh-huh, Kagura, leave my alcoholic wife alone," Kouga said disinterestedly, watching Kanna's mirror. "Say, what's his demon half, a horse?"

Inside the mirror, Kagome was trying to give something very big a hug. "I'm so glad I met you, Jinenji!" she declared. "I might have gone home forever, but now I've found someone who can appreciate me for who I am!"

"Oh, Kagome!" Jinenji said in equally dramatic tones. "I love you so much, but I don't deserve you!"

"Damn right you don't!" Kouga said, shaking a drumstick at the mirror.

Kagura perked up. "I see at least one of you is a man," she said, with a scornful glance at Sesshoumaru. "If you kill Naraku for me, I'll be your love slave forever and ever!"

"Kagura," Naraku said sternly. "If you continue to offer your charms in exchange for my death, you will be gagged. Leave our guests alone."

"I am determined to prove my love to you!" Kagome proclaimed proudly from the mirror. "Just let me take a few yoga classes, okay?"

Jaken snorted. "That doesn't work, I've tried it."

"I'm sick of watching this," Kouga said. "Why did you want us here, anyway, Naraku? And it had better not be another trap."

Naraku nodded. "Yes, you have eaten, you have been entertained, some more than others, (here he glared at Jaken) I suppose I should get to the point. Kagura, Kanna, you may leave."

Kagura sprung up happily and headed outside. "No, Kagura. You may leave the room. I wasn't setting you free."

Kagura groaned, and left the room, dragging her feet.

Sesshoumaru chewed on his empty saké saucer idly.

"So," Naraku said, "to be perfectly blunt, I want you inside me."

Kouga fell over.

"He doeshn't mean that," Sesshoumaru said around his saucer. "he jusht wantsht to abshorb ush, for our great demon shtrength."

"Can't it be both?" Naraku said, fluttering his over-powdered eyes at them.

"No, that's completely disgusting!" Kouga said, outraged. "I'm not even sure which is worse, but they're both unthinkable! Come on Fluffy, we're getting out of here."

"Fluffy?" Sesshoumaru asked, taking the saucer out of his mouth. "I don't recall giving you permisshimushon to call this Sesshoumaru Fluffy."

"Aw, you're so cute when you're blitzed out of your mind!" Kouga said, smiling. "But come on, we're leaving."

Casting a last wistful look at Naraku, Jaken got to his feet and made ready to leave. But it was not to be.

A mass of tentacles appeared from under Naraku's robes, holding the doors closed, and grabbing hold of Kouga and Sesshoumaru. Kouga fought them bravely, and tore several up before he was immobilized, Sesshoumaru drew Tenseiga by mistake, and so was caught.

"What about meeee!" Jaken wailed miserably. Naraku grabbed him with a tentacle, and threw him out the window.

"Phooey," Jaken said, in the middle of the woods yet again. "Sesshoumaru-sama has all the fun."

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Inuyasha was ricocheting from tree to tree like a madman, when he stumbled upon none other than Kikyou.

"Kikyou!" he exclaimed, embracing her so forcefully she nearly lost her balance. "I made up my mind! Let's go to hell!"

Kikyou blinked. "Now? But there's a guy in the next village who owes me twenty mon!"

Inuyasha stared at her. "Kikyou, what do you care about money? Hurry up, there's no time like the present to spend eternity in torment!"

"Well, actually," Kikyou said, playing with her fingers, "I got all these trust issues, about the time I thought you ran me through with your claws and killed me, so—"

"Are you still blabbing? You really do have Kagome's soul. Come on, take me before I change my mind!" Frustrated, he began digging a pit at their feet.

"Now I remember why I never talked much, no one ever listens to me!" Kikyou said, exasperated. "As I was saying," she winced as Inuyasha accidentally threw dirt in her face while digging, "Inuyasha, cut that out, this is serious! As I was saying, I have all these trust issues, so going to hell wasn't so much a good idea, as a test of your love. I had to know you'd do anything for me, even die like I did. Inuyasha, please stop digging, I am talking!"

Inuyasha stopped and looked up at her. "Sorry, I'm just not used to you talking, so I didn't know what to do. Can we go to hell now?"

Kikyou sighed dramatically. "Fine. We'll go to hell. Come on, it's this way," she said, walking off.

"What, you're not going to do your swirly voosh abyss thing?" Inuyasha whined. "It's got to be a lot faster than walking!"

"I feel like walking today. Are you coming?"

Inuyasha got up and followed her. "This has got to be the most boring way to get to hell ever," he grumbled.

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After walking and walking, and you guessed it, some more walking, Kikyou and Inuyasha arrived at a rather big house.

"So," Kikyou said. "This is hell. You still want to go?"

"This?" Inuyasha said incredulously. "No way this is hell. It's just some old house!"

"I assure you, hell is inside that house."

Inuyasha looked at Kikyou like he didn't believe her. She held her ground. "Okay, this I have to see." He strutted right up to the house, and flung the door wide open. His jaw dropped at what he saw.

"See, I told you," Kikyou said, peeking over his shoulder.

Inside, Naraku had Sesshoumaru and Kouga in his evil clutches, and was laughing maniacally. "You get your filthy tentacles OFF her, she's married!" Kouga demanded.

Sesshoumaru stopped slashing with Tenseiga and glared at Kouga with all his drunken might. "She?"

"I mean, him, he's! Sorry, Fluffy, I forget sometimes!"

Sesshoumaru shrieked as his boa was taken from him by a tentacle.

Naraku, noticing the interlopers at last, glared, and said, "You were not invited. This is our threesome, get lost. Especially the girl."

"But I'm Kikyou, the one you lusted after for fifty-odd years!" Kikyou said incredulously.

"Whatever, I'm not in the mood for women today. I have Kagura for that." He looked over Inuyasha appraisingly. "You, hanyou. You're not that bad, get over here and make out with the wolf's wife, I think that would turn me on."

Inuyasha buried his face in Kikyou's bosom, and cried like a girl.

"Come on, Inuyasha," Kikyou said at length, "hell doesn't want us, we should leave."

"You took... my boa," Sesshoumaru said, shocked. "You bastard, you took my BOA!"

"Yo, dog turd! I think you forgot to save us!" Kouga called down.

"Wait," Inuyasha said, sniffling. "You mean, by hell, you meant Naraku?"

"Well, yes, Naraku means hell in Japanese, you know."

"But.." Inuyasha said, his eyes crossing, "if we are speaking Japanese, then wouldn't I know that? And moreover, how were we able to have that conversation? Are we even speaking Japanese? I always—"

"Trust me," Kikyou said, "It's better not to think about it."

"That's becoming my policy on just about everything," Inuyasha said, walking away arm in arm with Kikyou, ignoring Kouga's screams for help.

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Boy, that was a long chapter. So I'll make the AN short. Bye.