Disclaimer! Wait, why am I writing a disclaimer? This is a parody, and as such, is protected under fair use. But maybe some sexeh hunk of lawyer will sue the pants off me just the same. Tee hee hee. You know you're sick when you lust after lawyers.
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"Boy, your brother doesn't care about you much, does he?" Kouga said bitterly, awaiting unspeakable violation, and possibly death. Not necessarily in that order.
"My boa is gone. I don't want to live," Sesshoumaru moaned.
Just then, the door collapsed, and an armored woman riding a firecat and wielding a giant boomerang burst in.
"Oh, it's a demon slayer!" Kouga proclaimed happily. "She'll save us!"
"But we're demonsh," Sesshoumaru pointed out.
"Oh, I forgot about that. Naraku, save us!"
"Die, Naraku!" Sango shouted fearlessly.
Naraku dropped his prey unceremoniously, and scuttled into the next room. Sango followed warily.
"I don't undermashand. Why doesn't he juss kill her?" Sesshoumaru tried to articulate.
"I don't know, maybe he's too drunk to know any better. Let's just scram while the getting's good."
"No," Sesshoumaru said petulantly. "This Sesshoumaru wantsh his boa."
Kouga sighed and listened at the door. Naraku and Sango were talking of all things.
"No, I absolutely will not take forty ryo from you!" Sango said, incensed.
"A hundred then! What will it take? No one can know about this!"
"How about this," Sango suggested. "We fight to the death, and if you win, I won't tell anyone anything. If I win, I will tell, but you won't care anymore. Sound good? Good! Let's fight!"
Naraku cringed. "You're really terrifying when you're angry."
"When did Naraku become such a pussy?" Kouga muttered under his breath.
"He ish part Neko-Youkai, you know," Sesshoumaru said.
"Oh, look, it's your brother Kohaku!" Naraku declared, and promptly ran the other way. A giant white feather with four people crammed on it sailed by the window.
Sesshoumaru growled low in his throat, his eyes turning red. "He hash my boa. I'll have his guts for garters."
Kouga blinked. "You wear garters? No, I'm not even going to pretend to be surprised."
Sango mounted Kilala, and went after her rather cowardly archnemesis.
"I think I get it," Kouga muttered. "He had to come here himself, if he wanted to get laid. But he's used to hiding behind puppets all the time, so he's scared of getting his real body hurt." He shook his head. "Let's just go home, okay? He's gone now."
"My boa is my home. It's everything to me."
"I thought I was everything to you."
Sesshoumaru snorted.
"Not even the kid?"
"What ki—oh, I see what you mean. No, boa."
Kouga rested his forehead on his hand. "I see you're going after it... I suppose you need defending. Let's go."
Sesshoumaru pointed Tenseiga proudly in the air. "Then let the quest begin!"
"I hate my life," Kouga lamented, trudging off into the dust with Sesshoumaru leaning on him heavily.
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"Pervert," Inuyasha said, grinning.
Miroku looked from Inuyasha to Kikyou and back again. "Two-timing scum of the earth."
They embraced in a manly show of love. "Fancy finding you here," Inuyasha said, smiling. "How are Kagome and the others?"
"What others," Miroku said, puzzled. "I've been alone since we split up. Well, not alone alone, there've been girls, but no one whose name I knew." He winked, but Inuyasha did not smile.
"You mean you don't know where they are?"
"Kagome's probably in her world by now," Miroku reasoned. "She'd have left Shippou with Kaede, he's safe there. And Sango can take care of herself. As long as she doesn't do anything stupid like go after Naraku."
Inuyasha considered, then grinned. "Yeah, who needs them, anyway. I've got a better shard detector right here. Sense any shards, Kikyou-chan?" he asked, putting his arm around her waist possessively.
'Kikyou-chan,' who had been listening the whole time, turned to him haughtily. "I will not aid you in gathering my treasure, the Shikon, which you will obviously misuse."
"As opposed to what Naraku will do with it?" Inuyasha said furiously.
"I had a plan for Naraku. That's why I gave him the shards."
"See, see?" Inuyasha said defensively to Miroku, who politely declined to comment. "She had a plan, she wasn't betraying us! You tell him, Kikyou!"
"Well," Kikyou said, playing with her fingers nervously, "I realized there was a fatal flaw in my plan, right after I gave him the shards. It was a mistake anyone could have made."
"Could the 'flaw' have been that you GAVE NARAKU OUR SHARDS???" Inuyasha bellowed.
Kikyou smiled crookedly. "Wow, you're so perceptive!"
"Maybe you should have stuck with the sane shard detector," Miroku said, awkwardly scratching his head.
"She was better before she died, you know," Inuyasha said sadly.
Miroku patted him on the back. "Most of us are. But we still need to—"
"Fine, fine, let's go find Kagome," Inuyasha resigned.
"What about her?" Miroku asked, glancing at Kikyou.
"What about?" Inuyasha said obliviously, walking off.
"He heh, I like the way that boy thinks," Miroku chuckled to himself, groping Kikyou's bottom, and receiving the appropriate slap. Still not as hard as Sango's, he thought mournfully.
However, finding Kagome wasn't as easy as they thought it would be. After a precursory sweep of the village, Inuyasha went down the well, with Miroku trying to explain to Kikyou why this was okay. After about an hour, he emerged.
"Shit," Inuyasha said, eyes wide. "I think I lost their daughter."
"You mean her family hasn't seen her?" Miroku said, worried, and, incidentally, covered in bruises. Kikyou smiled brightly.
"What am I going to do?" Inuyasha groaned, sitting on the edge of the well, and massaging his temples. "They'll think she's dead, hell, what if she is? Her mom's gonna kill me!"
Miroku stroked his jaw, scheming. "What you need to do, now, is find a girl that looks just like her."
"Great," Inuyasha said, "where am I gonna find—" he stopped, following Miroku's glance to Kikyou. "Yes," he said, "that could work. Miroku, you saved my life!"
Kikyou backed away slowly. "You—you wouldn't. No."
"Kikyou," Inuyasha whined, "if you don't do this, I won't be your friend."
Kikyou's lip trembled. "But—but!"
"Great! Now first, we need to get you a tan, and mess up your hair some, and ooh, look surprised for me."
"I am surprised."
"No, that's pissed. I need your eyes open wide," Inuyasha said, framing her face with his hands and squinting.
"I hate you, Inuyasha. I hate you so much I love you. Kiss me and drop dead," Kikyou said passionately.
"Sounds like Kagome to me," Miroku said. "Maybe just a little less sultry, and a little more squeaky little girl."
Kikyou attempted Sesshoumaru's death-by-glare trick.
"Um, good, Kikyou, just a smidge wider," Inuyasha said unhelpfully.
Kikyou forced her eyes wider and Miroku doubled over. "Shit, Inuyasha, don't tell her to do that while she's trying to glare me to death!" Miroku said, trying to get out of the line of fire.
Kikyou stepped forward woodenly, holding her eyes open as far as they would go, whatever plants she happened to look at wilting.
"Um, Kagome does that, I think," Inuyasha said, hoping. "Let's get her tanned, quick, so we can give her back to her 'family.'"
Somewhere in the mountains, the real Kagome was enjoying a cup of herbal tea with Jinenji.
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After mutilating a Portuguese drinking song, Sesshoumaru convinced Kouga he had to be carried. Oh, there were advantages to this. Jaken never carried him. Jaken never had such firm, rippling muscles. Jaken never... dropped him like a sack of potatoes? What the—
Sesshoumaru looked up, and saw Sango trying to brain Kouga with Hiraikotsu. "Have you sheen my boa?" he slurred at her.
Sango frowned at him. "I've had enough of this lisp. Spit those marbles out right now, young man," she said sternly. Sesshoumaru spit several marbles into his hand.
"What, you mean you weren't drunk?" Kouga asked.
"Oh, I was drunk," Sesshoumaru said. "You'd have to be drunk to stick marbles in your mouth, think about it."
Kouga did. "Yeah, but where did you get them?"
"They're Naraku's. I've been stealing them for years."
"This actually explains a lot," Sango said.
"No it doesn't," Kouga countered, "It's insane!"
"That too," Sesshoumaru said, getting up and kissing Kouga unexpectedly. Kouga leaned into the kiss, but suddenly his expression changed, and he jerked back, and spit out a marble.
"Well, thanks to you two, Naraku's completely lost his marbles," Sango said. "Any more reasons I should kill you?"
"Wait, wait, don't kill me, I'm a friend of Kagome's!" Kouga said, holding his hands out what he hoped was a calming gesture.
"Right, didn't you meet her after slaughtering an entire village? And you, Sesshoumaru... well, I don't remember you killing anyone, but I'm sure you're evil."
"Taijiya," Sesshoumaru said thoughtfully, "how did you know where to find Naraku's love nest?"
Sango blushed. "It—it isn't what it looks like!"
"I won't tell if you won't," Sesshoumaru said kindly.
"Okay." Sango said, smiling a little. "That's good to know, in case I can't kill you." She tried to lift Hiraikotsu, groaned, and sat down. "Can I kill you later? I pulled my shoulder falling off Kilala."
"Oh, of course!" Kouga said, glad to not have to fight the taijiya then and there.
"Idiot, don't say yes to that," Sesshoumaru scolded.
"Where are we, anyway?" Kouga asked, looking around. "This is past my territory."
Sango looked around too. "I don't recognize anything."
"This is my territory, the Western Lands," Sesshoumaru said.
"West of what, exactly," Kouga asked. "Weren't we going northeast?"
"West of the rising sun," Sesshoumaru said, giving the same answer his father had given him.
"So, what, you own the entire world?" Kouga said in disbelief.
"Pretty much."
"Sounds more like you don't own a thing, and you wander all over making big claims," Sango cut in.
"I own my boa," Sesshoumaru said, pouting. "Or I did. And I own Jaken. Unless he's betrayed me for Naraku. Damn him, he's taken my best accessories. At least I still have his marbles."
"Right, because the only thing better than an evil killing machine with Sesshoumaru's fashion sense is a psychotic evil killing machine with Sesshoumaru's fashion sense,' said Sango.
"Oh, no, he was like that before I got to him," Sesshoumaru explained. "He just used those for kinky sex games."
Kouga started spitting violently.
"I washed them in my saké, it's okay," Sesshoumaru said, patting Kouga on the back. "I'm bored, and all this talk of Naraku's marbles is giving me ideas. You want to do it?"
"That sounds out of character," said Sango, consulting a volume of manga.
"Fine," Sesshoumaru grumbled. "Be the character Gestapo, since you're so faithful to the original yourself, going to Naraku's love nest and all. Kouga, you hunk of inferior demon, get on your knees and service my needs. Was that good enough for you, taijiya?"
"Good enough for me," Kouga said, dropping to his knees.
"Oh, I don't believe this," Sango said. "This would never happen." She paused as Kouga fiddled with Sesshoumaru's sash eagerly.
"It still might not happen if you don't scram," Sesshoumaru growled. "Girls make Sesshoumaru Jr. nervous."
"Right then." Sango blinked. "I think I'll go fix Kagome or something. She's been acting off, too." Sango edged away discreetly, and broke into a run.
"Okay, you're not going to want to hear this," Kouga said, forcing an assured smile.
"What is it?"
"I can't get your sash undone."
"Don't be stupid, let me see—" Sesshoumaru said, swatting Kouga away, and inspecting the knot. "Oh no. It's Jaken's special knot. He must have done it under the table while I was drunk."
"What do we do now?"
"We find Jaken. Before all this saké kicks in."
Kouga cringed, seeing where that was going. "Let me just cut it off," Kouga said, drawing his sword.
"You are not swinging your sword near my goods. I know you wanted me to be a girl," Sesshoumaru said suspiciously. "Anyway, I don't want to ruin my outfit."
"Well, we don't know where we are, and we certainly don't know where Jaken is. I'm sure there's someone who can untie it, here, I smell a village nearby," Kouga offered.
Sesshoumaru sighed. "I just hope no one there knows me."
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"You idiot, I'm burned," a red-faced Kikyou said, fuming.
"It'll do, let's go. Remember, your name is Kagome, you have a mom and a grandpa, a little brother named Souta, and a cat named Buyo. You like pocky, kids, dressing like a hooker and tweaking my ears. Oh, and you were born a boy."
"What?"
"Long story."
"You also like having your rear groped by monks. Be convincing now," Miroku put in.
"But you're not coming with us," Kikyou said, confused.
"I know," Miroku said, molesting. Kikyou slapped Inuyasha.
"What the hell was that for, woman? He was the one who groped you, not me," Inuyasha said, pointing at Miroku.
"And you let him? What kind of a boyfriend are you?" Kikyou demanded.
"Man, I miss modern women."
"The kind that let you keep seeing your ex?" Miroku said wistfully.
Kikyou slapped Inuyasha again. "Gee thanks, Miroku. Why don't you tell her about the time with the noodles, so she can send me to hell for real?"
"Noodles?" Kikyou asked.
"Perfect!" Inuyasha declared, admiring Kikyou's wide-eyed expression. "Let's go quick before you lose it!" He grabbed her wrist and jumped down the well.
Minutes later, Inuyasha was knocking nervously on the door to Kagome's house. Souta answered, his eyes going from Inuyasha to Kikyou uncertainly. "Mom! Grandpa! I think you should get over here!"
Soon everyone was poking Kikyou all over, asking if she was all right. "You should have used sunblock, dear, I know I packed you some. And wherever did your uniform go, those are expensive!" Kagome's mom chided.
"Sunburn!" Kagome's grandpa declared. "Why didn't I think of that!" He pulled out a pen and wrote 'sunburn' on his arm, which was already covered with the names of exotic diseases.
Souta peeked over. "Oh, come on, they won't believe she has leprosy."
"If they believe in my charms and sutras, those fools will believe anything I tell them," the old man said, grinning.
"My," Kagome's mom said dramatically. "Little Kagome is growing up so fast. One moment she's a good little girl doing her homework, the next she looks all grown up, and can't remember where she left her clothes."
Houjou let himself in, carrying an armful of flowers. "Kagome-chan!" he declared, lovestruck. "You're out of bed! My, you look awful though. How did you get a sunburn in lying in a bed, anyway?"
Kikyou eyed Houjou suspiciously. "Hello Souta. I like pocky, kids, dressing like a hooker, and tweaking his ears," she said, gesturing at Inuyasha.
Everyone was quiet a moment. "As you can see," Kagome's grandfather said to Houjou, directing him towards the door, "my granddaughter is not well. Please come by later."
"Truly it is worse than I thought!" Houjou said, handing the flowers to his escort, and leaving looking very worried indeed.
Everyone stared at Kikyou. Even Buyo. Inuyasha nudged her. "Um, 'Kagome,' they're figuring it out, I think you may have to smile," he whispered.
"How can you ask me to smile, when my heart is weighed down with the sorrow of life cut short in its blossom!" she moaned, loud enough for everyone to hear.
Inuyasha smiled nervously, and faced the missing girl's family. "She's just in a bad mood, you know, that time of the month, heh heh heh." He was realizing that Kagome's mother had an impressive collection of heavy, stainless steel woks.
Somewhere in the mountains, five hundred years ago, the real Kagome was playing hide-and-seek with Jinenji, and winning.
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Next time- Every housewife has a theory on how to get Sesshoumaru's sash open. Meanwhile, Kikyou tries to fit in with the modern world. Like she fits into any world.
And yes, this took forever. But I have an alibi. I was writing other stuff. And researching the seven deadly sins first hand. Mostly sloth.
If you want to ask the characters questions, go to my question meme, the link is in my profile. Oh, and I will write a Kouga/Sesshoumaru lemon at some point, as part of this story, but I won't go here, so I can be as nasty as I want. I'll update on that as soon as there's anything else to tell.
See you all with the next chapter. And yes, it does have an end. We're just not there, yet.