My Only Love Sprung from My Only Hate
Chapter Five: Your Eyes
"Any luck, Star?"
"I am afraid not," the alien answered gloomily as she stood over the city from the roof of a ten-story building.
"How about you, Cyborg?"
"Nope, she's not on this side of the city."
"She's not here either," the Boy Wonder said over the intercom.
"Don't tell me you guys are gonna give up!" a voice screeched.
"Man, I'm just as worried about Rae too," Cyborg assured him, "But we've been looking for her all over the city for two weeks now."
"So?!" the changeling protested. "That doesn't mean anything, we have to keep looking for her!"
"I agree with Beast Boy," Starfire said. "If either of us were missing, Raven would not give up."
"I'm not saying that we should give up," Robin tried to pacify his team members. "But Cyborg is right; we've searched every inch of the city and Raven's nowhere to be found."
"Then what are you saying?" Beast Boy prodded.
"I'm saying that we might be looking in the wrong place," Robin replied. "Maybe Raven isn't here at all."
"Well it's not like she went off on her own!" Beast Boy insisted. "She didn't bring any of her stuff with her!"
"And people do not vanish into thin air," Starfire added.
The Boy Wonder sighed heavily. "Guys, I know that. But think about it for a second. Raven's not exactly a materialistic person. And she left her communicator in her room."
"And her locator's not working either," Cyborg cut in, referring to the gem that the empath wore on her cloak. "The scanners aren't picking up her signal. It's offline."
"What if she was kidnapped?" the Tamaran asked, her concern apparent in her voice."
"Who could breach the security system and have access to the tower besides the five of us?" Robin rationalized. "There weren't any signs of a struggle in her room, either."
"So you think she ditched us?!" Beast Boy exclaimed.
"She didn't 'ditch' us, Beast Boy. Maybe she...went away for a little while."
"Preposterous!" Starfire cried. "Raven is our friend! If she had any predicaments, why did she not seek aid from one of us?"
"...Star, Rae's not exactly the type to share her feelings. And she's been acting really weird since she saved us from that dragon."
Beast Boy couldn't believe what he was hearing. Raven wouldn't leave without saying good-bye. And if she did, where would she go to?
"Starfire, Beast Boy," Robin addressed them. "I'm worried about Raven as much as the both of you are. But we've looked everywhere for her."
"Then we have to look outside of the city!" Beast Boy shouted into his communicator.
"Where would we start?" the leader questioned. "Even if she was kidnapped, we wouldn't have any idea where she would be. And it's not like we can leave the city to look for her either. It's our job to protect the people here."
"But what about Raven?!" Beast Boy yelled. "Who's going to protect her?"
"Raven's smart, and she's proven more than once that she could take care of herself."
The green boy fell silent, too frustrated with everything to even argue against his leader's logic anymore. He wanted to keep looking for the empath, despite what the majority of his team thought. But Robin was right; where would he begin to look for her?
"I'll contact Aqualad and Speedy to keep an eye out for her. Starfire, do you think you can relay the message to Tamaran?"
"Yes, I will inform Galfore right away."
"That's the best we can do. All that's left is to wait."
And as they waited for her, what was happening to Raven? Beast Boy feared the worst, but what could he do? He was a Titan, he was needed to defend Jump City.
But Raven probably needed them, and there was nothing that they could do to help her. All he could really do is hope that she would come back to the tower unharmed...
"Where are we going?" Raven asked, her voice echoing off the walls of the hallway.
"You will see," replied Rorek as he led her down the passage.
The wizard was acting mysteriously, but Raven continued to follow him. It has been a little more than two weeks since she had agreed to accept Rorek's help. Since then, he had been watching her as she meditated and cast her spells. His justification for observing her was that he needed to know more about her branch of the magic arts to understand what her powers were like. Raven obliged, even though she would feel uneasy sometimes knowing that his crystal blue eyes were watching her every move.
She brushed away the thought and suddenly realized that Rorek had stopped at a pair of doors. His hands pushed against them, and with a loud creak, they opened.
Even though she prevented herself from smiling, she couldn't help but let her mouth hang open in wonder.
The doors revealed a two-level library. There were two winding staircases that connected both floors of the room. On each level were countless books of all sizes arranged on bookshelves that stood in almost endless rows.
"Whoa..." she commented quietly. This place was enormous! It was the biggest library that she had ever seen.
Rorek chuckled lightly at her amazement. "This is my family's library. We have kept spell books and ancient scrolls and documents from all over the country and beyond here."
Raven went over to a nearby shelf, and she examined the thick spines of the arranged books. She took one with an aged red cover and began leafing through its contents.
"That one might be a little advanced for you at the moment," the wizard said goodheartedly. "The books I really want you to read are on the first level."
He began to descend down one of the staircases, and she put away the book and followed him.
When they reached the lower level, she saw that there was a long, oak table that stood in the center. Rorek pulled out one of the chairs and looked to her. "Please, sit."
She did as he requested, and he immediately began searching through the bookshelves. Raven watched in interest as he walked the length of the room, taking out books here and there. Occasionally, he would put back ones that he found unnecessary and he began gathering several thick books in his arms. After a few more minutes, he went back to where she was sitting and placed the stack onto the table.
"We will be starting with these first," he stated.
"...you want me to read all of those?"
"I guess I have yet to explain my strategy to you," he said. "From what I have observed, I see that your emotions must be restrained to a certain limit when you cast your spells. You meditate to keep those emotions under control, am I correct?"
She nodded, and he continued, "Your form of meditation seems to work, but there is one flaw: your emotions are still left with no outlet, and so they remain suppressed unless you wish otherwise.
"The planes of magic that I have studied can offer you that outlet, however. Instead of restraining your emotions daily, there are spells that you can learn that allow you to channel them."
It had sounded almost too good to be true. A way to experience emotions by letting them loose? However, the cynical part of her surfaced quickly. "Don't you understand that my emotions are dangerous if they get out of hand? Learning a new form of magic is a bit risky, don't you think?"
"I still recommend that you keep up with your meditation, but I believe that this can truly help you, Raven."
She looked at the books and was silent. Rorek noticed her lack of enthusiasm and frowned slightly.
"What is the matter?"
"...someone else once taught me spells that were outside of my field of magic," she monotonously said.
He realized who she was talking about, and he suddenly looked apologetic. "I see. Please forgive me, I was being inconsiderate..."
Raven felt a twinge of guilt. He hadn't done anything wrong, and yet he was apologizing.
"There's nothing to forgive," she stated. "You didn't do anything."
"If you wish, we do not have to do this," Rorek offered. "I can think of another way to help you."
Raven suddenly regretted bringing up the subject of Malchior. Rorek was only trying to help her, and she was discouraging him. Technically, she supposed that his strategy made sense, and if she did continue to meditate, it would probably even work.
But she was still afraid of the possibility that she would lose control over her emotions. If she did, Rorek would be put at risk...
...then again, she was going to have to make sure that she was in control so that she wouldn't hurt anyone. Rorek said he was willing to do everything in his power to help her, and she accepted. He was right when pointing out the flaw in her daily meditation, and perhaps there will be a day when meditating would not be enough to restrain her emotions.
She would just have to trust him.
"No," she said before he had the chance to begin putting away the books. "I'd like to try it."
Rorek looked at her for a moment, and if his scarf was off, she could have sworn that he was smiling.
"All right then, we will start with this chapter first," he pulled up a seat next to her and placed a book in between them. He pointed out key points and explained the fundamentals as she read along.
Raven slowly turned the page with her thumb and forefinger. The candles next to her bed provided her with enough light for her eyes to skim over the words. She was finishing up where Rorek and her left off today, and they were nearly completed with the book. Another couple of weeks had passed, and she had already begun to learn much more complex spells that the wizard himself had difficulty to master.
She was actually looking forward to it. Rorek had proven to be the ideal tutor; he was very patient and explained things clearly. He was very encouraging as well, which Raven found to be helpful when she was learning a difficult spell.
She yawned and decided to finish the rest of the chapter in the morning. Closing the book, she placed it on the table next to her bed. Although she was tired, she found it difficult to sleep right away. She looked wistfully outside of her window as she sat on the side of her bed. The clouds were hiding the moon from view, and she could hear the wind whistling over the sound of the waves crashing onto the beach.
Raven decided to past her time by practicing a spell that Rorek had taught her. In a sense, it was similar to her meditation because it was meant to calm her. The difference was that it required an emotion that she had difficulty with: happiness.
She held out the palms of her hands and concentrated. In a few seconds, sparks of blue-white energy had formed above her palms. She closed her eyes, trying to concentrate on preventing the light from fading away.
"This spell is neither defensive or destructive. When you are meditating, you seek to restrain all your emotions. You strive to feel nothing at all in your goal to achieve inner peace. In order to make this particular spell work, you have to focus positive energy into it."
Rorek's words echoed through her mind as she attempted to keep the blue-white sparks alive.
"And just how am I supposed to do that?"
"Simple. You only need to think of something that makes you happy."
Starfire had told her the same thing when she was instructing her how to fly when they had switched bodies. Raven had succeeded, but only because the thought of the alien girl shutting up enabled her to fly. This spell was more complex than that however, and Raven was having difficulty trying to keep it from wearing.
Something that made her happy...she hadn't been that way for a while, and with good reason...
"Concentrate on something that puts your mind at ease," Rorek elaborated.
Knowing that he was watching her was uncomfortable at first, but now it hadn't bothered her anymore. His eyes held both confidence and kindness in them that she believed she was never capable of. They were both haunting and compelling at the same time, and for some reason she thought they were the most beautiful shade of blue she had ever seen.
"Hold on to that thought, and focus on weaving the spell."
His calm, English voice would never discourage her, and would always support her when she was learning a new spell. Even if she had never noticed it before, his voice was soothing.
"Allow that thought to take shape. Do not do anything to hinder it."
He would lean next to her when he would explain something. The strands of his hair would graze softly against her skin, and sometimes his cheek would barely brush against hers. Having him that close to her, feeling the warmth of his breath tickle her skin was so comforting to her...
"You only need to think of something that makes you happy."
The sparks blossomed and illuminated the room, overpowering the faint flames of the candles. A brilliant mist of blue and white hung in the air. It began to take form, and before her eyes, a magnificent bird had taken shape. Its luminous wings flapped soundlessly and gracefully, and streams of cerulean light trailed from the tips of its feathers.
Raven had conjured her soul self to take the form of a bird many times before, but not like this. This was not the intimidating shape of a bird with outstretched wings of jet black energy. This was something more gentle, more serene. This was something that was simply...
"Beautiful."
Rorek's astonished remark had broken Raven's train of thought, and she allowed the form of the bird to disappear. The dazzling light had vanished, leaving the candles' flames to shine alone.
"That was amazing," he repeated, taking a seat next to Raven.
"It was nothing," she insisted, but Rorek refused to see it that way.
"No, it was truly magnificent," his eyes were smiling at her, and she felt her heart skip a beat. "But I guess I should not be surprised. You are a quick learner."
She blushed, and this time she knew he could see her. She didn't have her hood on, and she felt like kicking herself.
"It wasn't anything special," she mumbled uncomfortably.
"It was beautiful, Raven."
"No, it couldn't be," she answered sternly.
Rorek must have caught the hint of distress in her voice because he suddenly looked concern. "Why do you say that?"
"Because...I was the one who cast the spell," she replied, looking down at her hands. "There is nothing beautiful about my magic."
The fleeting moment of happiness and comfort that she had felt from casting the spell was instantly shattered. How could anything that Rorek said be true? Her powers were dangerous; she inherited them from the demon blood that was running through her veins. They could only be used to manipulate and cause destruction. There was no way that anything beautiful can come from her powers.
The feeling of him taking her hands into his own brought her back. His crystal blue eyes were staring kindly into hers, and all she could do was look into them.
"Raven...that is not true. I know that you are frightened of what your powers can do, but they are capable of wonderful things as well."
The cool touch of his skin was comforting, and she could feel her heartbeat quicken. But she couldn't look away from him; he kept staring at her.
"...why are you looking at me?" she heard herself ask stupidly.
"Because...I think that you have beautiful eyes."
Time seemed to freeze right then and there, and the world had stopped revolving. Rorek had said something that left her unable to act and unable to speak. He said that she was...beautiful. Something that she couldn't believe and at the same time, she didn't want to...
The silence between them became awkward, and she unwillingly slipped her fingers out of his hold. She didn't want to, but she felt that it was for the best. Now was not the time for her senses to be clouded over with emotions.
"We'll be going over the next chapter tomorrow, right?" she solemnly asked in an attempt to change the subject.
Rorek didn't answer right away, but the sadness in his eyes tore at her. In spite of that, he quickly recovered. "Yes, and then we could move onto another book."
"I'll see you in the morning, then," she said with a tone of finality in her voice.
"Good night, Raven," he feebly replied, and then he quickly left her room.
After he was gone, she blew out her candles and curled beneath the blankets of her bed. Ironically after all that, she found that she still couldn't go to sleep right away.
She felt guilty about treating Rorek so coldly, but she had to do it. She couldn't let him get close to her in that way. In the end, it would end the same way like it did last time, and she didn't ever want to experience that pain again.
Even if she was happy around him, even if being with him brought her comfort, she couldn't be with him. For her sake and for his, she couldn't allow herself to fall in love with Rorek.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
This chapter was shorter than I expected, but I feel that it was right to end it where I did. Thanks once again for all your support. You guys rock
In case you guys were wondering, I still have a lot of things I want to do to this story. Of course I hate to spoil anything, so I'll let you all see for yourself. Anyway, thanks a bunch for reading and keep an eye out for the next chapter!
Oh, and Happy Halloween! Bring a flashlight, look both ways before crossing the street, don't steal candy from little kids ('cause you know they can't put up a fight, you big meanie), and so on.