(ROAD TRIP!)
Life Saver: Oh no, did somebody just say...
(Sure enough, everyone came bursting into the main room, raring for a road trip. Zero jumped in front of the crowd.)
Zero: Are you ready?
Everyone: Yea!
X: Where are we going?
Zero: Wherever the road may take us.
Gate: Now that's just a stupid idea.
Alia: I say we go someplace romantic.
Iris: Now you see, I like that idea.
Signas: Ahem, you seem to be forgetting us single guys.
Iris: Oh nonsense, you're all fine.
(X, Signas, the General and the Colonel all stand in disillusioned sorrow.)
Zero: So, whose driving.
Gate: Well I'm not.
Signas: Me neither!
X: Zero can't cause he got his license revoked.
Zero: Oh come on, it was only my 25th DUI, they should be celebrating the centennial!
Iris: I can't drive, you know how bad I get road rage.
Alia: What about you Douglas?
Douglas: Uhm, no, that's ok...
General: Well I'm not because I'm staying here. (Everyone turns to him.) Well somebody's got to watch the base while you're gone, and I don't think we can leave it up to him to do so.
(He points down to Rush who was sleeping in Zero's chair again.)
Colonel: Well then that only leaves one person left.
(Everyone turns to Life Saver. He looks at them all, getting it, then shakes his head.)
Life Saver: Oh no, no you don't, no way am I gonna be the one driving this Beverly Hillbilly imitation to god only knows where....
(But sure enough, Life Saver was soon behind the wheel of the minivan, with a disappointed scowl of failure on his face. X sat in the passenger seat and Zero in the middle seat. Gate sat behind Life Saver with Alia next to him and Iris behind X, Signas and the Colonel sat in the back with Douglas between them.)
Zero: Hey X, turn on the radio.
Life Saver: No, I'd prefer a quite ride please.
Zero: Aw that's no fun, crank it up!
(X turned on the radio and turned up the volume as a song began.)
Iris: Hey I know this one, it's the them from That 70's Show!
Zero: Yea, hey let's all sing it!
Life Saver: No, no that's all...
Everyone but Life Saver: Hangin out, down the street! The same old thing, we did last week! (Zero started jumping in his seat and Live Saver slowly turned towards him with a pissed off confused look.) Not a thing to do, but talk to you! We're all alright, we're all alright!
Life Saver: We're in Wisconsin.
Signas: What, already?
Colonel: What do you mean already?
Zero: Yea I thought we were set in California.
X: I always figured New York.
Iris: No, no, you got it all wrong, it's in Arizona.
Alia: The desert? No way, let's move to Florida!
Life Saver: Please, please, everyone! (everyone shuts up) Thank you. Now, nobody knows where we really are located, it's a secret for security reasons.
Zero: Oh... (quietly to X) It's in California.
(Life Saver hears, hey he's sitting next to him, but remains quiet as he continues driving.)
Signas: So, where are we going anyway?
X: Yea, we're in Wisconsin, but where did we want to go?
Zero: I dunno.
Gate: But Zero, you were the one who brought all this up.
Life Saver: And you listened to him?
Zero: I didn't even have a plan orchestrated.
Life Saver: Oohh, big word coming from one with a small brain.
Zero: Hey!
X: Alright calm down you guys, this is no big deal.
Life Saver: Not a big deal? Where the hell are we, I'm the one driving and I don't even know where we're going!
Signas: Just calm down you guys, it's not like we're in trouble here, I mean, the car can go across country, and we've got enough gas to go for (there's a pop and a loud fizzle as steam rises up from under the hood) miles....
(Everyone gets out and Douglas lifts the hood to investigate, slightly burning his hands a bit because it was hot. Everyone stood around waiting while he looked under the hood, then closed it after coming to a conclusion.)
Douglas: Well not only are we out of gas, but the oil is bad and nobody refilled the coolant. The radiator's blow, plus we popped a gasket.
Zero: ... and that means?
Life Saver: It means you screwed us up, home wreaker!
(Life Saver strangles Zero, ala The Simpsons.)
X: Guys, guys, calm down! You seem to be forgetting something here, who we are. We're Maverick Hunters, come on, we can handle this! Now, all we gotta do is find out where the heck we are.
Gate: Where we are, oh I'll tell you where we are. We're in the middle of nowhere!
Alia: Whoa, whoa, calm down Gate!
Iris: I know where we are.
Gate: Oh sure ya do, I also bet you know what the square root of a million is!
Iris: Uh...
Gate: Exactly! So how could you possibley know where in the hell we....
Iris: The sign up the road says Iowa...
Gate: (brief pause as he regains his composure) Oh, alright then, well let's get a move on.
(Gate starts walking down the road and a few others follow.)
Signas: Wait, where are you going?
Gate: To the nearest town so we can get help.
Colonel: Well can't Douglas fix it?
Douglas: No dice, I haven't got the parts or equipment with me.
Alia: For once.
Iris: Well then, off we go.
(Everyone starts walking, Life Saver is the last one. He sighs and shakes his head.)
Life Saver: I knew I should've been the one to stay back at the base....
(Meanwhile back at the base, the General was having a great time all by himself. First he'd pretended he was Signas and fired Zero then gave himself a raise, then he went into the women's locker room and tried on their clothes, then he went to Douglas's room to try out some of his 'still in the testing stage' inventions, then he went to X's room but couldn't find anything to do there, and Zero's room was too messed up for him to make worse anyway. So lastly he was in Gate and Life Saver's lab, wearing a lab coat and goggles, mixing things in test tubes and bunts and burners.)
General: (Gate's voice) Oh look at me, I'm so smart. (Life Saver's voice) I don't think you should do that. (Gate's voice) Oh sure I can! (Life Saver's voice) But you do know what happens when you mix acids and bases. (Gate's voice) Yes, but this time will be different. (He makes the sound of an explosion.) It's never different is it Life Saver! (He laughs sinisterly, then goes back to Life Saver's voice and sighs ) A mad scientist never changes. (He looks up and sees Rush in the door, back to Gate's voice) No you stupid mutt! (Rush jumps into the lab and knocks over some chemicals. Life Saver's voice) No! (There's a real explosion, after the smoke clears in the ruined lab, the General sits in shock as Rush walks out of the room. He looks around, speaking normally.) Uh oh...
(Back with the others, they'd finally made it to a small town in Iowa, the population was so small it was maybe a hundred people. They all watched strangely from their houses and stores at the people who walked down the street.)
Zero: Uhm, is it just me...
Life Saver: It's just you.
Zero: Is it just me, or are we getting strange looks from these weirdoes?
Life Saver: It's just you.
(Zero scowls at him. Iris finally approaches somebody at their farm.)
Iris: Excuse me, where's a gas station?
Person: (strangely enough in a southern accent) Stranger, you be trespassing on my property.
(The person pulls out a gun and cocks it. Zero runs in front of Iris to protect her and their unborn child.)
Zero: Hey watch it pal, we don't want anything of your dirt farm here.
Person: Why I outta!
(The person starts firing randomly into the air, everyone runs off screaming. They stop around the corner of a building to catch their breath. Then they continue on.)
Signas: Ah here, the city building. We should be able to get some answers in here.
(They go inside into the mayor's office.)
Mayor: Who are you and what do you want?
Signas: Hi, our car stopped out of town and we wanted to know if you could help us.
Mayor: What's in it for us?
Signas: Uhm, what...?
Douglas: We can pay you.
Mayor: I don't mean that, you gotta do something for me.
Gate: Oh, ok... what?
Mayor: Gimme your women.
(Alia and Iris scream gasp and hold onto each other.)
Zero: Oh yea now here we go! Take off your top and get to the mud wrestling.
Life Saver: You can have Zero, he may be a man but he's pretty like a girl... only, less smart.
Mayor: No dice.
(The Mayor pulls out a gun and starts shooing at them. Once again they scream and run off. Outside, they sit on the steps to rest.)
Signas: Well that was a big help.
Gate: So now what do we do?
Douglas: I got it! I forgot that I did bring one device with me.
Colonel: You couldn't have told us earlier?
X: What is it?
Douglas: A mass molecular transporter, however it's still in the testing stage. It can transport any amount of anything to another place. We can transport ourselves back to the base.
Zero: You're a genius!
Douglas: Well let's try it out. (Pushes some buttons) Here we go!
(They all glow and dissolve, much like how it's done in Star Trek. They appear somewhere else other than a dry desolate desert. This time they're at a beach surrounded by palm trees and hotels.)
Zero: Whoa where are we, spring break?
Gate: It's a molecular transporter, not a time machine, you idiot.
Alia: (Gasp) Oh my gosh, we're in Florida, woohoo!
Douglas: What? Oh darn, it's still got some bugs in it.
Zero: Alright, let's go surfing!
Signas: No, no, stay together.
Douglas: Don't worry, I have to work out the bugs and that'll take about an hour or so, so just let them have fun, after all, we are supposed to be on vacation here.
Signas: Well alright.
(X went to play in the water while Zero surfed, Iris and Alia sit on the beach to get a tan. Gate and Life Saver sat with Signas and the Colonel at one of the tables outside of a hotel to watch them.)
Gate: Well, at least we're someplace nice and getting a break.
Life Saver: And at least I'm not driving.
Signas: I wonder how long it will take Douglas to fix it.
Colonel: Oh, and here he comes now.
Douglas: Guys! (They turned to see him run over.) I fixed it.
Signas: Alright, I'll call the others. Ok guys, let's go!
(They started to come over.)
X: Zero come on... Zero?
Zero: Ah, X!
(Zero was riding a huge wave and a shark was after him.)
X: Zero!
Zero: Help me!
Life Saver: Can't we just leave him here?
Signas: No.
Life Saver: Aw....
(Zero whipes out, then swims towards the break water where he runs back onto the beach.)
Douglas: Ok then here we go.
(Once again they teleport away, this time though they arrive back at a desert.)
Colonel: Great, we're back in Iowa.
X: No way, it wasn't this hot.
Iris: Yea, this is a desert, not a plain.
Gate: Thanks miss geographical obvious.
Zero: What?
Douglas: It's still not fixed, it transported us to Arizona.
Alia: Ew!
Zero: It's hot, I'm thirsty, and now my head hurts.
Life Saver: Would you stop complaining, you're giving us all a headache!
Zero: So you can feel my pain!
Life Saver: Oh for the love of...
(He throws him into a sand dune.)
Alia: Just try again.
Douglas: Oh I see, I had the switch in the wrong position. Here we go!
(Once again they disappear and this time arrive back in Wisconsin. Zero spit out some leftover Sand.)
Colonel: Oh great, back in cheese country.
Zero: Hey, don't you be dissing the Packers man!
Signas: Alright, look. We're not too far from where the car stopped outside of Iowa. Why don't we just go back down there and we'll figure out something.
X: Sounds like a plan.
(Everyone started walking down the road. Douglas was fiddling with his invention as they did.)
Douglas: I think I know what's the matter. The section of what to transport is fine but the where is still missing a small thin rod of titanium. That's why the locations we keep appearing at aren't what we want.
Zero: And that just made no sense to me.
Signas: Don't worry, the van has titanium, and since it doesn't work, we can take it off of there.
Alia: Right! Then we can be in the van, that way we can transport it back to the base as well so we can fix it.
Iris: Yay!
X: And look up there, there's the van!
Colonel: Alright let's go!
(They all run at the van but as they do it appears to be moving away from them.)
Zero: Hey what the hell is going on, is this a mirage?
X: No, look, there's exhaust coming out of the tailpipe!
Signas: Hey, somebody's driving off with our van. Hey you get back here!
(The mayor and the dirt farmer were in the van laughing as they drove off with it and out of sight of the weary travelers. They all stopped and sighed.)
Gate: Great, now what are we going to do?
Douglas: There's only one thing we can do. The invention works, but it won't transport it to where we want to go. So I say we keep transporting until we get there or close enough to where we can walk.
Life Saver: I get it, sounds like a good idea.
Alia: But won't it get worn out?
Douglas: No way, this baby can take a lot. Besides, it won't take that long to get at least close enough to the base.
(Try and try again, reappearing and disappearing, still nowhere near the base and no luck. They traveled all across the country into different states and different time zones. Finally they stopped, too tired to continue, they were in New Jersey this time and it was night there by now.)
Signas: That's it, let's stop for tonight.
Douglas: I give up!
Life Saver: What do we do now?
Gate: Well we should find a hotel.
Colonel: There's a Comfort Inn over there, lucky for us hu.
X: Yea that's great, come on Zero... Zero?
(Everyone turned to see Zero fighting with a hobo, he finally hit him down and stole his beer.)
Zero: So, what, we're in Jersey right? Do as they do and we'll be just fine.
Iris: Zero, put the bum's bottle down.
Zero: Aw but Iris, I haven't had a drink all day!
Alia: Zero, you drank a case this morning before we left.
Zero: Yea but it's night now, so, I haven't had a drink all night.
Alia: Oh I give up.
Gate: I did long ago, you should've just followed me silently with no question.
Signas: Come on guys, we can put up in the hotel for tonight and figure out something tomorrow morning.
Douglas: And maybe something in the room will have titanium in it.
(Signas got them all checked into a hotel. They got two different room, each with two big beds and one with a fold up cot. X slept on the cot while Gate and Alia and Iris and Zero had a big bed per pair. Signas and Life Saver had to share a bed as did Douglas and the Colonel. After an uncomfortable night sleep for the two beds of paired men, everyone got up the next morning to try again.)
X: So Douglas, were you able to find any of the rod you need?
Douglas: Nope, no luck...
Alia: Aw, I'm sorry.
Iris: So I guess we should go back to our original plan and keep trying?
Douglas: Nope, we can't do that.
Gate: Why not?
(Douglas held out his hands with the broken device. Everyone gasped in shock.)
Douglas: Sure enough, we wore it out... man, I thought it could take a lot more! Guess I'm just a crummy excuse for an inventor...Signas: No don't say that, you do a great job!
Zero: Guys, we're right by New York, we can take a bus there and then catch a plan at the airport to go back home.
X: Now that's a good idea.
Life Saver: For once your brain is on and useful.
Iris: Oh Zero, you're my hero.
(They hug and begin to make out. Everyone tries to turn away, Colonel covers his face with a hand and shakes his head.)
Colonel: Oh ok, yea, none of that alright.
(They go to the nearest bus stop and wait for the bus that goes to New York. It was only about a half an hour wait, and Zero and Iris making out just made the time seem to fly by. Oh and by the way, I was being sarcastic.)
Life Saver: Well duh...
(Ahem, anyway, soon the bus came and the ride over to New York was packed with many people, as was the city as they soon found out when they entered.)
Zero: New York, New York!
Life Saver: Stop singing!
(They got off the bus and pushed and shoved their way through the crowds.)
Iris: Look there's the Empire State Building!
Alia: Look there's Times Square!
X: Look there's the Statue Of Liberty!
Zero: Look there's a taxi!
Colonel: (Sarcastically) Where, they're only all around you.
Signas: Look, the sooner we get to JFK the better.
Zero: I thought he was dead.
Life Saver: No Harvard graduate, he means the airport.
Zero: Harvard?
Life Saver: (rolling eyes) Never mind...
(They finally make their way to the airport where Signas has a talk with the air transportation manager.)
Bob: Ok I understand the situation sir, and we'll see what we can do for you.
Signas: Thank you.
(They wait for a few minutes until the man, apparently named Bob, comes back.)
Bob: Well everyone, I was able to find a flight to LAX with enough seats in coach.
Signas: You've been very helpful.
Bob: Just pay the woman up at that counter over there and everything will be ready.
Signas: Thanks.
(They both walk off in different direction. X turns to a strange sound to see Zero covering his mouth from trying not to laugh.)
X: What is it.
(Zero clears his throat after stopping laughing.)
Zero: This is Bob, Bob takes Enzyte.
(Zero bursts into laughter again, everyone giving him a strange look. An hour later their plane comes and they get on. They all sit down and sigh with relief. Zero started whistling the Enzyte song, trying not to laugh.)
Iris: (angry whisper) Zero! Stop it.
Signas: Well, looks like we're finally on our way back home.
Gate: Yea, some vacation hu.
Douglas: Well at least I know what's wrong with my invention and I can fix it there.
Life Saver: I'm just glad I'm not driving.
Colonel: I bet the General won't regret not coming with us.
(The General is back at the base hurriedly attempting to clean all of his messes up.)
X: Aw, looks like Zero and Iris are all tuckered out.
Alia: Yea, they had a busy adventure, well we all did.
Colonel: Yea and sleep sounds good right about now.
Douglas: Amen.
Signas: Well then, see you all on the other side.
(They all went to sleep. They all woke up when the plane arrived at the Los Angeles airport. They got off and Signas worked out a deal to borrow a rental car. They drove back to the base, sure enough Life Saver drove again.)
Zero: See, I told you the base was in California.
Signas: (sigh) Well it was a great secret headquarters we had once.
Zero: Drive faster Light Saber!
(Life Saver grumbled as he drove between the bumper to bumper on the freeway.)
Life Saver: This is why I don't like driving, the traffic.
Zero: And you knew there'd be traffic if you drove, see you knew I was right.
X: Zero please...
Zero: The HQ is in California, haha!
Gate: Alright, I can't take this anymore.
(The Colonel hits Zero upside the head and he faints.)
Iris: Brother!
Colonel: He'll be fine.
(Zero regains consciousness.)
Zero: Hey, what's going on, where are we and what are we doing?
Alia: So Zero, did you have fun at the carnival today?
Zero: (sadly) A dog ate my cotton candy....
X: Well we'll get you another one.
(Life Saver wore a small satisfied smile as he drove off, everything seemed to be back to normal now....)
General: Oh they'll be home any minute now, I gotta finish, before they-
Signas: General.
General: Oh, hey, uh, Signas.
Signas: You look tired, hope you weren't too bored here by yourself.
General: Oh no, Rush was a handful.
Signas: Oh I see. (streches) Well, I'm going to be in my office, gotta take care of some stuff.
General: (gasps) His office!
(Signas had already walked into his office as he finished talking, General ran off before...)
Signas: GENERAL!!!!
(Well, almost everything is back to normal....)
Zero: Ah!
(Zero ran out of his room.)
Neon Tiger: Zero come back!
X: What happened?
Iris: Neon Tiger broke in through the window while Zero and I were in bed.... sleeping.
(Zero ran into Gate and Life Saver and they fell over. Neon Tiger screamed as Signas got a gun and blasted him out of another window, causing it to shatter. X just smirked and shook his head.)
X: Oh joy.
(Ok, now everything's back to normal. Well more or less... as normal as they can get.)