A/N - Disclaimer. The song "Broken" isn't mine, it's done by Seether, with Amy Lee. All credit is to them, I'm just borrowing it for this chapter.

-- FOUR --

The next few weeks passed like days for Garret. They were all just a blur to him - only a few things were clear in his memory. The whole process for making the arrangements. The night he went over to Maggie's and he sat in her old room for hours, before his ex-wife came up and sat next to him, and they finally started going through her things.

So there he was, three weeks later to the day, in his office. Everyone else had gone home for the night, and he was just sitting in his chair, leaning on his desk with one elbow. He tried reading through a report, but he wasn't getting anywhere with it. Sighing, he moved the file aside and reached for a book he had on the edge of his desk. As he opened it, he carefully removed a photograph from its pages and held it in his fingers lightly, looking at it, and thinking.

He remembered the other night, when he sat in her old room in his house, remembering her. The first time he looked into her eyes, holding her in his arms in that night she was born. Birthdays and slumber parties. The times she'd wake up in the middle of the night, just to be there when he came home from work. The way she laughed...the Halloween where she demanded that he dress up too, in something besides his scrubs with a face mask on. He laughed softly when he remembered that. He'd ended up wandering the streets of Boston in a black cape, complete with fake plastic fangs and a line of "blood" she'd drawn dripping from his mouth with her mom's brightest red lipstick. The times they'd disagreed. The look in her eyes when he and Maggie sat her down on the couch and tried to explain to her what it meant when they were splitting up.

The time with the damn deer. Garret sniffed softly, a few tears making their way down his cheek. But that was all. No sobs, no yelling, no anger. He still hadn't let himself cry. He just held it all in. Through the service, through countless hugs and toasts at the Pogue. Jordan had offered up the bar as a place for everyone to come, and gather. Plenty of Abby's friends had been there.

Garret had gotten completely wasted that night, but he still remembered the look in Renee's eyes when she saw him. She'd walked up to him after the bar had emptied out a little, mainly of the younger kids, and wrapped her arms around him. She'd kissed his cheek, and sighed when he wrapped his arms around her. After they stood there for a few minutes, she'd pulled away and looked in his eyes.

Renee knew something was missing from his soul. Those eyes didn't have that glint that she'd come to know him for. She'd gently brushed her fingers across his cheek, then bit her lip for a minute, before she whispered to him, "I'm so sorry Garret."

Garret snapped out of his memories when he found himself running a fingertip across the photograph in his hand, "We were so happy..." he thought to himself as he looked down at the photograph. He sighed and then pulled open his desk drawer, where there was a stack of a couple cd's that he'd taken from her room. He hadn't taken much...just a couple of photographs, the stuffed tiger she pretended she kept hid in her closet but he knew she'd still, to the day, take out and sleep with sometimes. The cd's...he figured that it was a part of her - her music, what she liked.

He bit his lip for a minute, before he looked into her eyes in the photograph and flipped through the cd's. He just grabbed a random mixed cd and stood up, keeping the picture in one hand, as he walked over to his stereo and slid it on, turning it on, louder than he normally would because no one else was there. He needed something to distract him from what he was feeling, and he felt very alone in the cold building, in his office. He sat down on his couch, holding the picture loosely between his fingers, while he tried to make himself cry for her.

While he was sitting, he made it through several songs on the cd, until one came on that caught his attention. He sat up slightly, looking up at the stereo before letting the lyrics sink in.

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

"Isn't that the truth." Garret muttered softly to himself as he looked down at the photo in his hands. He would give anything to have taken her place in that truck. He would have given his own life to save hers. He sniffed softly as he looked at the image in his hands. It was him and her...she was seven, and they were at the beach down in Florida. He leaned forwards and rubbed the back of his neck as he sat there, on his couch.

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me here, anymore

Renee stepped off the elevator and raised an eyebrow when she heard the sound of rock music echoing through the halls. Sighing, she figured Nigel was pulling a late night, and she nearly turned around and left until she noticed the lights on in Garret's office. She slowly walked towards his office and paused as she saw him through the windows, sitting on the couch with something in his hands.

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

She leaned against the wall and just watched him as he sat there, staring down at the picture in his hands. She noticed him look up and see her, and she smiled softly before walking into his office. "Hi Garret." Renee walked over and sat next to him on the couch, looking at the picture with a small smile. "How old was she there?"

"Seven." Garret nodded softly. "Florida."

"She was a beautiful girl Garret." Renee cautiously reached over to rub his back while he sat there. "How've you been doing?" She looked over at him. Ever since that night at the bar, she'd only seen him for work reasons. She'd finally finished up the Scotts murder trial, and she had seen him for work and work only, and she hated herself for it.

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

"I think this song describes it quite well." Garret swallowed hard and shut his eyes for a long minute, before he looked over at her. "My heart's broken...I can't bring myself to accept the fact that she's gone. I'm still in the denial stage." He shook his head. "I haven't cried for her...and I feel like a horrible father. Why can't I cry for her?" He sighed angrily, angry at himself and angry at the world. "I pulled her out of the damn truck. I picked her up...and I put her in the bag. I couldn't close it over her face...Jordan had to do it. I didn't cry. I haven't cried for my baby girl..." He just stared down at the photograph.

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone

You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore

Renee sat silent, listening to the words, then sighed softly as the song and the cd ended. She wrapped her arms around him, still rubbing his back. "Garret there was nothing you could have done for her. This was an accident." She softly kissed the side of his head. "You're still in denial Garret. That's why the tears haven't come yet. Once you believe...once you accept the fact that she's gone, the healing will start...Garret look at me?"

Garret did as she asked, turning his head and looking her in the eyes.

Renee looked deep into his eyes, searching for the Garret she knew. Gently cupping his cheek with one hand, she felt her own eyes fill with tears when she saw how dull his were. "Garret...I don't know how to help you..." She sighed softly and blinked back her tears, sniffing softly before she regained her composure. After holding him close for a few minutes, she pulled away and looked at him. "You look exhausted. Let me drive you home?"

"I don't want to be alone." Garret lowered his head and closed his eyes. "I hate being in the house all alone. It hurts so much."

"Then come stay at my place." Renee kissed the side of his head softly. "I've got scotch and I'll sleep out on the couch if you want the bed to yourself." She smiled and then stood up, before turning off his stereo. "Sound good?"

"Yeah." Garret nodded softly, stood up, and walked over to his desk, sliding the picture back inside the front cover of the book. Pulling on his jacket, he smiled at her as she paused at the lightswitch. "I'll follow you there." He walked out of the office and waited for her to turn off the lights and pull his door shut.

"Garret..." She looked over at him as they walked down the darkened hall. "...I really don't want you driving right now." Renee pressed the button for the elevator and then they waited for a few seconds, before the doors slid open and they stepped in. "I'm worried about you." She whispered quietly as she slid an arm around his back and rested her head against his shoulder lightly.

"I'm worried about myself." Garret laughed softly at how stupid he sounded. "Really worried. I mean...I deal with grief everyday. I've been telling family their loved ones are dead for almost twenty years." He shook his head as they walked out into the lobby, thinking to himself. "You would think I'd be more aware of the stages of grief and be able to get through them. I mean...I know she's dead." He held the door open for her and then slid his arm around her waist as they walked to her car. "I saw her...I got her out of the truck. I saw her later in the crypt...and she was cold. So cold." He walked around to the passenger side while she unlocked the doors.

Once they'd gotten on the road, he sunk down in the seat slightly. "She was too cold. I...I tried to warm her up by holding her hand." Garret looked over at her, a slight half smile on his face. "I knew it wasn't gonna work, but I just..." He shut his eyes and shook his head. "...I thought that if I could just warm her up...she'd come back to me."

Renee smiled sadly and then reached over and rubbed his shoulder lightly. "Grief makes us do weird things sometimes. It's just...part of the fact that our minds don't know what to do."

"Yeah." Garret nodded and then turned his head to look out the window.

Renee nodded and then pulled her hand away, before concentrating back on driving. The rest of the ride was in silence, and when they got to her apartment building, she turned off the car and then slowly climbed out as he did the same. She wrapped an arm around him again and they walked up the stairs at the front of the building, then she rested her head against his shoulder again while they walked inside and then into the elevators.

Once they were inside her apartment, he slid his jacket off, thankful that it was warm enough in her apartment that he didn't need one. He unbuttoned the first few buttons on the neck of his shirt and pulled off his tie, slinging it over his jacket that he draped over the back of a chair.

"You want something to drink?" Renee walked into the kitchen and then turned and looked at him over the open counter.

"You said you had scotch?" Garret walked over and leaned back against the counter with a small smile.

"Sure do." She nodded and turned to the cabinet, pulling out the bottle and two glasses, before looking over her shoulder at him. "Neat or on the rocks?"

"Neat." He sighed softly, then took the glass when she handed it to him. "Thanks." He took a sip, before looking at her as she drank hers. "I didn't think you drank scotch."

Renee shook her head. "I normally don't. But I...I always have some around in case I've got a scotch drinker on my hands." She took another sip and then moved so she was leaning against the counter next to him. "Which in my case, happens to be you." She smiled up at him.

"Well," Garret took a long drink off his glass. "This scotch drinker thanks you for it." He smiled softly, and then sighed as he drained the rest out of his glass.

"You want more?"

"Nah." He shook his head. "Thank you though."

"No problem." Renee finished her's off and then pulled her hair down out of her bun, running her fingers through her hair lightly. "You want to...talk...or just go crash in bed...I'll take the couch if..."

"I don't want to be alone." Garret sighed softly. "But I probably should sleep."

"Alright." She smiled softly. "It's not like...we've never slept in the same bed before." She leaned up and kissed him softly on the lips, before she headed to the living room.

Garret set his empty glass down on the counter, next to where she'd set hers, and then walked towards her bedroom, unbuttoning his shirt as he went. He sat down on the edge of the bed and kicked his shoes and socks off, before he undid his belt and slid his slacks off, dropping them all in a pile on one side of the bed. He looked up as she walked in the bedroom a few minutes later, then curled up, facing away from her as she undressed and changed into tank and a pair of boxers. Once she climbed into bed next to him, he rolled over and looked at her. "I'm not getting those back anytime soon, am I?"

"These?" Renee looked down at the boxers she was wearing. "Not a snowball's chance in hell. You leave them here they're fair game." She smiled innocently before looking at him. "Do you want to talk about her?" She asked softly.

He sighed softly, before rolling onto his back. "I would have given anything to have been in that truck, even if it only meant she could live for another day. See another sunrise and another sunset." Garret felt the prick of tears behind his eyes. "We had our differences, but deep down...I loved her more than anything. She was my baby girl...I feel terrible for everytime I ever yelled at her or sent her to her room for timeout." He sniffed softly as he felt a few stray tears roll from his eyes down his cheeks. "I was such a bad father to her..."

"Garret...you were not a bad father..." Renee sat up against the headboard, moving so she was closer to him and could gently wipe the tears from his cheeks.

"Yes I was. I wasn't ever there for her when I needed to be..." Garret felt his tears coming more freely now. "I just made things worse between us. She was better off without me. That's why I can't cry...I don't deserve to. I wasn't there for her..." He choked back a weak sob and then sat up against the headboard.

As Renee watched him talk, she realized he was about to finally break down into tears, right there, in her bedroom. Cautiously, she moved and pulled him so he was sitting between her legs, his back to her chest. "Garret honey...let go. Let it out. You're safe with me. I'm right here." She loosely wrapped her arms around him.

When she said that, he shifted so he was sitting sideways and wrapped his arms around her, before burying his head in her shoulder and breaking into sobs. "I miss...her...so much..." He managed to choke out before he just let go and let his emotions take over, three weeks of pent up sorrow, frustration, anger, hurt, and yes, tears, finally being released in gut wrenching sobs.

She cradled him close to her and just let him cry into her, deep down praying that somehow this was beginning the healing process for him. She kissed the top of his head softly, before she started gently rubbing his back. After he'd sobbed and cried in her arms for almost an hour, he pulled away abruptly and raced for the bathroom. Renee was confused at first, until she heard him getting sick through the crack in the door that he'd left slightly ajar. She too, had cried so hard that she'd gotten sick a few times before, and she waited a few moments before sliding out of bed and walking over to the bathroom door. "Garret...you okay? You need anything?" She asked softly.

"Just give me a minute." Garret coughed weakly, then stood, flushing the toilet and walking over to the sink, where he turned on the water and washed the bitter taste of bile out of his mouth and splashed some water on his face. He looked up at himself in the mirror and wiped the tear tracks off his face, then turned off the water and shut the light off, before walking back into the bedroom. He crawled underneath the blankets and cuddled close to her, looking into her eyes in the little light that was coming in through the window.

"Feel any better?" She smiled softly and then kissed his forehead, before pulling the blankets closer around them.

"A little." He smiled slightly and then yawned.

"Sleep Garret." Renee moved closer to him and draped an arm over his ribs. "I'm here."

"I know." Garret looked into her eyes for a second, before he shut them and cuddled as close to her as he could get.

Renee smiled softly when he looked in her eyes. Even in the dark, she could see that a little of the Garret she knew had returned, and she kissed him softly before curling into him as they both fell asleep.

TBC