And so I blame lack of sleep for my situation right now. I'm all alone in the auditorium, in the dark, crying for some reason that I'm not even sure about. Damn Ephram. And he doesn't even know I exist. This morning I'd seen him making goo-goo eyes at Amy as usual. How can he not know that she's using him? Everyone knows the only reason she's trying to get close to him is because she knows his father's The Great Doctor Brown. Can't he see that she only wants his father to save her dear boyfriend?
I've been wrong about one thing though. Amy's life isn't perfect. I've been ignorant. How else can I explain my cluelessness about her boyfriend Colin's accident? But I guess I should have noticed how she rushes out of class like a whirlwind the moment the bell rings signaling that school's over for the day. She's been visiting him almost religiously since he's been hospitalised, since Fourth of July. I guess I've been so busy ignoring the rest of the world that I hadn't picked up on the talk.
But that only makes me feel worse, knowing that Amy is human, just like I am. It makes me feel like liking her or trying to get to know her better and there's no reason I should feel these things because in the end, she still has Ephram and I don't. I'm being selfish aren't I? It's horrible.
I don't know what exactly started my tears pouring. I think it was the combination of several things at once. First of all, I'd been called out during class. Usually when that happens, the teacher wants me to help her or him with something. But this time, it was different. Mr Peters' eyes showed disappointment.
I gulped as I awaited for terrible words to escape from his lips. But instead, his face changed to one of concern.
"Hana, are you having any problems?" That was the last thing I'd expected for him to say. I fidgeted uncomfortably as I stood in front of him.
"No," I mumbled. I knew what this was all about.
"Well...you've never had any problems with your schoolwork before. If you need any help, you know you can come to me or any of your other teachers," he said kindly. I guiltily thought that they would be the LAST people I'd ever turn to for help. It wasn't as if they could help me anyway.
Besides, it would be crazy to confess to the teachers that the reason my work had been slipping lately was because I couldn't get Ephram out of my mind. I wished that I'd never read his essay. I wished that I hadn't begun looking at him differently. I wished that I'd never started noticing the way his brows creased whenever he was thinking really hard or how green his eyes were or the intense, faraway look he'd get on his face whenever he looked at Amy as she sat oblivious to him. Ephram was all of the many reasons to get distracted from schoolwork.
"Hana? You sure there's nothing you'd like to tell me? We can talk after class if you don't feel comfortable telling me now," Mr Peters was saying. I looked up at his kind, old face wrinkled like the bark of a tree and thought how much he reminded me of my grandfather. I shook my head.
"No, I'm fine Mr Peters. I'll pull my grades up. I've just lately".
"Okay...but don't work yourself too hard either," Mr Peters advised. I nodded again and forced a smile at him just as the bell rang. Metal scraped against concrete as the class began to get up from their desks. I got back to my desk to pack up my things, and joined the flow of students leaving the classroom as Mr Peters dismissed us although we'd already begun dismissing ourselves.
I swallowed and walked unnoticed back to the hallways. I couldn't help feeling disappointed in myself. For such a long time I'd had a vision of how I would go through all of this. I would graduate with honours, win my scholarship, go to college in the city and the rest would be history. And yet...what was I doing now? Slipping in my work, daydreaming...all for someone who didn't even know I existed. He was spoiling all of my plans, everything I'd built myself up for.
Well screw that. I had to rip Ephram out of my system even if it was the last thing I did. Although I hoped that that would be soon, before I took my final exams. It was easier said than done.
I let my feet direct me, not knowing where I was really going. I had a lot of tension to walk out. And what do you know...they led me right to his locker. Not that I'd know where his locker was if he hadn't been standing right there. With Amy. They were talking about something serious, and even then, idolisation shone for her in his eyes. I walked right past them, but it didn't matter because I was invisible anyway. And all of a sudden, I had this lump in my throat. It was ridiculous, but I really was beginning to cry. I began to run, as far away from the two as I could possibly get, ignoring the looks of other students.
And in the end, I found myself standing in front of the empty auditorium doors. My eyes were blurry with tears. Wasn't that pathetic. I pushed against the doors gingerly, and surprisingly, they weren't locked.