Who's Really There?
When things go wrong
When lifes a mess
And I have no reason to live
I see you smile
And you take my hand
The world has meaning once again
Des Taviner has never been one for showing his feelings, his true colours, but when everything was going wrong and he only had one person to turn to, he changed.
Des was sitting in the area car with Sheelagh Murphy, his gorgeous Irish sergeant, when he got a phone call on his mobile. He excused himself and got out to answer it. Sheelagh couldn't hear the words but could definitely see by his face that something was terribly wrong. She felt strange, like she wanted nothing more than to hold him and make it better, even though she had no idea what it even was. She felt her own heart breaking when his did, and she knew it was. She knew by the look in his eyes, the pain, the shock and the fear that was shining from within his soul. Sheelagh knew she shouldnt be feeling things like this, not for him, but she couldn't help what her heart desired.
Des hung up his phone, paused for a second the got back into the car. Sheelagh could see him trying desperatly to hold back the tears.
"You alright Des?" she asked, her care and concern showing clearly in her voice. "I'm fine, just bloody great!" Des replied with his voice full of anger and hurt. He couldn't hold the tears any longer, he let them fall freely down his face. Each of them, little insignificant pieces of his heart, falling from his body never to return. Sheelagh tried to put an arm around him but he faught her off, still keeping his tough man act up.
Don't push me away
I'm hurting too
I can't stand to see you
Feeling like this
So sad, so helpless
So hopeless and yet
Refusing to let your guard down
And let me in
Sheelagh sighed and shook her head trying to hold back her own tears. 'Why' she thought to herself, 'why does it hurt like this? I mean this is only Des. Only the wonamising PC who I sometimes can't stand, but..forever can't resist.'
She tried for the rest of the shift to get something out of him but he ignored every word, every time she'd tell him he could trust her, tell him he needed to talk about it, he wouldn't respond. He stayed in his own little world. Sheelagh smiled to herself as she thought of his own world, a world full of Des.
Des was feeling so guilty for what he was doing to her. He cared about her just as much as she did him. He never did anything about it because she was married, he knew if he were her husband he wouldn't want to lose such a perfect, precious thing. It hurt him to shut her off like he was, but he just wasn't ready to talk about it. Not yet.
Des was so caught up in his own world and his own thoughts, he something he would forever regret. He lost control of the car, it swerved and hit another. He was panicing. In a big way. "Sheelagh! Shee! Are you alright??" he stuttered, still trying to come to terms with what had just happened. There was only a small moan in reply. Des cried helplessly. "How could I do this? I've hurt her, the only thing I have'' he whispered to himself, through the thick sheild of tears. That was when he realized just how stronly he felt for her. That was when he realized he loved her. He finally brought himself to look over at her. It was terrible. Blood all over her, her eyes fluttering. He listened to the faint breathing of her almost lifeless body. He felt sick thinking that he had done this to her, 'what if she died? What if I've killed her?' he thought. He knew he had to tell her how he felt before it was too late, before she'd gone forever. "Sheelagh? Sheelagh I love you, I'm so sorry," Sheelagh who was still just conscious when she heard these words, they made her feel warm and secure, even though she may well be about to die. Goes to show how powerful real love is. She was about to return the words, those three words that she had dreamt of hearing from him many times, even though she knew it was wrong. But she slipped out of this world before she had the chance.
Des looked at her now lifeless body. So limp and fragile. He cried even harder, he looked away as he couldn't stand to see what he'd caused any longer. He closed his eyes.
Please baby please
Don't leave us like this
I need to know you love me
I need to know it's for real
If I come back to you
Will you be mine?
Will you be true?
Do I even care?
Do I know?
All I know is that I need you
I love you
Sheelagh awoke and tried to adapt to her surroudings. "W..where am I?" She asked into what she thought was an empty room, and hoped if there as anyone there, that it was Des. "Sheelagh? Love?" She closed he eyes again. "Patrick" she muttered, resentment and disappointment in her voice. "What's wrong love?" he asked. "Where's Des?" she asked ignoring her husband's question. "DES?? DES!?!? WHY DO YOU CARE WHERE HE IS?!?!? THAT MAN NEARLY KILLED YOU!!!!" came the raging reply. Sheelagh was getting scared and started to cry. Patrick, who may seem harmless to some people was a very violent man. Get on his wrong side and you're in for a black eye and sometimes a broken nose. Sheelagh knew all about this as she had experienced it first hand, many times. The nurses came running in and tried to convince him to leave. He refused and kept screaming, scaring Sheelagh even more. The last thing she needed in her condition was a beating from her husband. The nurses tried to force him out but they were getting nowhere. More of them came and finally they got rid of him. One nurse who was an old mate of Sheelaghs came in to see if she was alright. "Hey darlin, you okay? That husband of yours is a right prick," said the nurse. Sheelagh opened her eyes. "Klancie! Did he hurt you?" Sheelagh asked. "Nah, I'm fine," Klancie replied, "do you need anything?" Sheelagh thought of all the things she needed right then. She needed to be held my Des, told she was loved....but she knew what she needed most of all. "Is Des okay?" she asked with fear and insecurity. Klancie smiled, "he's been asking the same thing about you. He keeps calling you his angel." Sheelagh smilled. She had the most starstruck look on her face, 'his angel'. She sighed.
Sheelagh spent two long, lonely weeks in hospital. Kept going only by her thoughts and dreams of the man who had almost killed her, but also saved her in so many ways.
Des spent only one week there, he spent that week dreaming of his angel, his saviour and trying to build up the courage and strength to go and see her. But in the end he couldn't, he wasn't sure she felt the same way. He was sure that there was no way she could ever feel anything for him. The fact that he hadn't been to see her, when she kew he had been discharged, hurt Sheelagh on an unimaginable level. Until she got the letter.
When Des realized how he may be hurting her, as he knew she had heard what he told her in the car, he decided to let her know he still felt the same, still loved her. So he wrote her a letter and gave it to Klancie.
Klancie gave it to Sheelagh that night. She opened it and her heart absolutely melted as she read.
Dear Shee
I know I should've come to see you but I couldn't. I couldn't stand to see what I've done to you. But I want you to know that I love you and I'm sorry. If you can never forgive me, I'll understand. I know I don't deserve an angel like you. I've never been so hurt as I was that day. I crashed the car because I was upset, my brother Kayle and my sister Danielle have been killed. But I was just as upset because of what I was doing to you. I could tell I was hurting you by not telling you what was wrong and that alone was killing me. I love you so much and if I lost you, I'd lose everything.
I wrote you a poem and think yourself very lucky gorgeous because this is definitely not something I do often!
When you're around I
Drown in my own desire
When I look in your eyes
I drown in you
When I know I can't have you
I die inside
And I tried to hold back
To ignor my feelings
But sometimes it's just to much
And I find myself staring
And smiling at thoughts of you
I needed you to know
How much I love you
When I thought I might lose you
And finally I no longer have to hide
From what my heart truly desires
All my love, Des.