Disclaimer: see Part 1.
A/N: Thanks for the reviews!
Operation Bamboozle
Part 2
So, what was Malcolm up to after the events of 'Breakfast'? My source has been digging...
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Security Lock Alpha Gamma Delta 2-3: Reed, Lt. Malcolm
Strictly Top Secret --------------------NO UNAUTHORISED ACCESS
Operation Bamboozle - Mission Debrief
So, Operation Bamboozle - My overall assessment...
I'm so happy, oh so happy, dee dum, dee dum...
I must stop singing that! They're not even the right words, for goodness' sake, but I can't get that damn tune out of my head.
So, yes, I'm happy with how Operation Bamboozle went. Ecstatic, even!
It's odd. People keep smiling at me. My satisfaction at the virtually flawless execution of Operation Bamboozle must show I suppose. Normally they look kind of guilty - either that or annoyed. The Captain is usually in the latter category, but even he seems to have been in a good mood since our breakfast.
Dee dum, dee dum...
'West Side Story' ::snort:: That's what I get for persuading Trip to show a less... unsettling... film for the crew.
He insisted - in fact, he made it a direct order - that I attend. It was petty-minded of him. But sadly, that is one of the prices one has to pay when selling one's soul to Starfleet. There is always someone else higher up in the Chain of Command. However, even that couldn't put a damper on how I feel - remarkable really considering how annoying Trip was.
Trip must have known that I wouldn't actually have included a note in my Security Reports that he had been irresponsible. I only implied that I would, to give added weight to my strong recommendation that he cancel 'Aliens'.
I mean, I don't understand it. How could Trip even consider showing the sequel giventhat absolute farrago last week after 'Alien'? Has he no common sense at all?!
Oh yeah, I forgot. He thought it was one big joke. It was muggins here who had to sort it all out.
::sigh::
I'm surprised Starfleet psyche testing didn't pick up Crewman Smith's susceptibility to paranoia. Most inefficient of them. Smith went completely off his trolley. Phlox assured him he was only suffering from indigestion, but Smith wouldn't have it. And then he went on a rampage, insisting that T'Pol was an android bent on our destruction.
I am thankful Smith works in hydroponics and not Security. His only available weapons were tomatoes; several varieties of seedlings; and bunches of herbs – mostly basil and oregano I believe – well, that's what I have put in my report. Oh, and some rooting powder mixed with liquid nutrients. And a high-pressure sprayer.
It's amazing how Vulcans can retain their dignity in the most unpromising circumstances. I do admire that.
I have been keeping a close eye on Smith since the incident although Phlox says there is no reason to suppose he will suffer a relapse. One can't be too careful.
Some people at Movie Night yesterday didn't know about the cancellation of 'Aliens' and were rather irate, even though 'West Side Story' does include some violence. Okay, there are no rampaging, unstoppable aliens dripping acid all over the place, but that's the whole point! It could have been worse - the other alternative was 'The Sound of Music'!
Trip made it quite clear to the audience why it was a different programme. Great. Just what I need. A bunch of vengeful movie fans gunning for me.
That's the last time I help Trip out. I did him a favour, after all. I'm sure the Captain would've been appalled at the Commander's original choice.
Still - what is done is done and so far today I have had no reports of suspected knife fights or deadly outbreaks of song or dance. I know what I would be dealing with if the original programme had been shown. So, it worked out well in the end.
I'm so happy, oh so happy...
Stop singing that, Malcolm!
But it is true. I am happy. Operation Bamboozle was perfect – almost perfect. There was a minor slip at the beginning of Phase 2 but it was followed by an excellent recovery. The mission was one hundred per cent effective with all objectives met. I implemented Phases 1 and 2 but was able to hold Phase 3 in reserve. The glitch that I engineered did not need to come into play because we did not run significantly over time.
All in all, it was a very smooth and efficient operation - up there with my best. It is a shame that only I will ever be aware of its true brilliance, but that is what one gets at times for operating at the edges of society, in the shadowy world of security where one can trust no one.
::embarrassed cough:: I think I let that espionage thriller 'Tinker, Tailor, Soldier... Beagle' get too much under my skin. Next thing I know, I'll be imagining that Porthos is working undercover for the Andorians. I wonder if beagle ears work the same way as antennae?
There were some interesting pointers on that in 'A Veterinary Manual for Beagle Owners'...
Gah! Am I doomed to have my brain clogged up for ever more with beagle trivia!? Never mind. It was worth the consequences.
Dee dum, dee dum, di duummm... I'm so pretty, oh so pretty...
Now at last I can forget the perils of fraternization and concentrate on my job instead.
No more water polo.
No more happy families.
No more dogs!!!
Time for fun, working on my new security protocols. I've got some good ideas and just need to firm them up a little.
::beep::
Ah. What's this? A communiqué from the Captain.
De dum, de dum...
Should I have sent him a 'Thank You' note?
No - most definitely not. I don't want to encourage the man. After all, he's not one of my aunts is he?
::splutter:: That gave me the most awful vision of the Captain in drag! Horrendous.
Uh oh. Did Captain Archer find out about me crashing the library net? Has he been able to access my deleted review?
Umm. No. I'm certain I did a pretty thorough job in mangling the library data. There's really no need to be so jumpy. What it is to live with a guilty conscience, Malcolm - be sure your sins will find you out!
Let's see what Archer has to say then. Better out than in, or open instead of closed.
De dum, de dum...
Open the message and...
What?
I don't believe it!
::gulp::
Breakfast next week. Water polo?!
WATER POLO?!
But surely it was supposed to be another year and a half by my reckoning. What's going on? Why does he want another breakfast with me next week? Breakfast AND water polo vids?
It's not fair. It's not bloody fair.
::muffled sob:: Noooo. I can't do this any more.
I tried so hard.
::another sob::
All that work. All that research. And this is my reward.
Moral of the story: one can be too clever by half. I am just too good.
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Now I've recovered from the shock, I have to start thinking tactically again. Perhaps I could seek allies?
Would Trip help? No. There'll be no sympathy there - quite the opposite I would wager.
Travis? He would fall about laughing and tell all the ship.
Hoshi - she would think it amusing too. I suppose she would keep it to herself... No. Not Hoshi.
Anyone else...? No. Isn't it a sad indictment that there is no one on this entire ship that I can turn to in my hour of need?
I am on my own in this struggle. One against tremendous odds.
I did it once. I can do it again. But how, and what then - after that? What if there is another time, after this one? It might be never ending. I would have to transfer off the ship to make it stop! I don't want to do that.
That sculpture is looking at me again. The eyes follow me around. I'm sorry! You are my interpretation of a beagle, okay? I can't get all the proportions right. Think of it as art, okay?
I'm officially mad. I must be, if I'm talking to a sculpture. Of a beagle. With three ears. I'm sorry; I was thinking about something else, okay?
STOP LOOKING AT ME!
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I've calmed down again. The loony bin has receded.
What is the solution? There is always a solution.
The Captain could get kidnapped. That's a good plan - almost foolproof, in fact. We haven't had such an incident for a few weeks so must be due one soon.
I still need a back up plan, though, in case it happens later on in the day after breakfast.
I can talk at length about beagles now, but from what the Captain says, he wants it to be all about water polo.
I think I'm losing the will to live.
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I'm going to do some target practice. That always cheers me up. And I am using the beagle targets. So there!
Well... no, not the beagles. Just the usual, just in case.
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I've got it. I'm going to intercept and destroy all water polo communications. That way, we won't get copies of the games and I won't have to suffer. I will have to talk to Hoshi about it. Can I trust her?
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No. I can't trust Hoshi. The first few words were out of my mouth and she just started laughing. Not just a giggle but an honest-to-goodness laugh. Quite frankly, I don't see the funny side myself and I made that quite clear to her.
She better realise what power the Chief of Security wields. Laughing at him just doesn't cut it, in my opinion.
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So - what have I got on Ms Ensign Laughing-On-the-Other-Side-of-her-Face-Soon Sato?
Hhhmm. Let's look at her comm records. Everyone uses the comms inappropriately for one thing or another. What is her 'vice'?
Strange. I can't find anything at all. She is - apparently - squeaky clean. I do not believe that.
Of course, she is also the comm officer and well capable of hacking these logs. I might not be able to nail her on whatever it is she is doing, but I can get her on interfering with ship's communications.
Not that I would, obviously, but I will show her who has the power around here.
There is the problem that she hasn't left any evidence that I can find, so I will have to be devious. I'll hint that I know what she has done but avoid anything concrete that she can pull me up on.
I will spend some time preparing for this. I have one shot at getting it right.
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I invited Hoshi to my quarters - there is the need to be discreet in this situation. Talking on the bridge or in the Armory is too dangerous. I don't want the Captain or Trip to overhear.
Unfortunately, the meeting was a failure. As soon as Hoshi came in, she looked at my sculpture and laughed - continuously. She was making so much noise that she didn't even hear my attempt to put the frighteners on her. She excused herself and left, hiccupping, after assuring me that I should keep on practising. Quite encouraging really, I suppose, but not the reason I invited her.
Perhaps if I had yet another go at remodelling the sculpture she won't laugh so much next time?
Or I could ::gulp:: destroy it? No. There is too much of my artistic self in that poor, sad three-eared beagle, my id. Or is it ego? Whatever, it is staying.
I think I need another plan.
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Trip saw my sculpture today when he called by to see if I was going to the Mess Hall. He thought it was intended to be from some film. Umm. 'Close Encounters of The Third Kind' I think he said. Then he mentioned something about mashed potato. I've no idea what he was going on about. He started humming a little tune and I can't get it out of my head now.
Dum di dum di dummm.
It is only marginally better than 'I'm so happy...' which I'm not any longer. That tune was driving me bonkers.
I broached my water polo problem, in hypothetical terms. Trip, as I suspected, no, as I knew, thought it was a hoot and offered no solution whatsoever. I don't know why I bother.
At least he promised not to say anything to anyone else.
Why is it then that later on, Travis was making what looked suspiciously like breaststroke arm movements on the bridge? I gave him my most authoritative glare and it had no effect at all. I swear he winked at me.
I think I am turning into a failure. A laughing stock.
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I am going to try more sculpture to aid my thought processes. However, I have decided on an abstract rather than representational approach this time. My three-eared beagle will be my muse.
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It was not successful. Sculpture is not my 'thing' after all.
Target practice it is then.
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To my alarm, the Captain is getting increasingly and unbearably cheery. He even flung a 'matey' arm around me today at the daily briefing and announced that he'd make me a water polo expert yet.
I have rarely been so embarrassed, and that is saying a lot.
Only T'Pol showed no visible reaction. Hoshi almost choked, Trip was beside himself with glee and Travis grinned like a loon. Trip has told Travis - I am certain of it.
I expect the Captain is now the only person on this ship who doesn't know how I feel. T'Pol's hearing is too good to miss out on anything like that and the Doctor is far too nosey. And the rest of them are a bunch of old women who spend all day gossiping when they should be getting on with their work. I will make sure the Armory team has plenty of work to get on with. So what if they call me a miserable old git? - Tough. If I'm miserable, they're going to be too.
::sigh::
I will never have any authority again. Not unless I can deal with this. What kind of a tactical officer am I if I end up being dragooned into watching water polo?
My career depends on solving this problem.
Well, that is possibly an exaggeration, but not much of one. If I'm not able to nip this in the bud, it'll be all round the fleet soon.
This is serious.
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B-day minus 2
Only two more days to go before breakfast and a poolside seat, so to speak. I am no further advanced with my plan.
There was good news and bad news today.
The good news was that the Captain got abducted, not that I wish him any harm, of course. I don't believe he was in any danger. The aliens appeared to be rather cuddly and their only demands were centred on certain food items. They were using the Captain to check the items were edible.
The bad news was that we were able to recover him relatively quickly. Quite frankly, the aliens were no match for us and treated it all as some huge game.
I wish I could have left him with them for a few more days, until B-day had passed. The Captain's diary does tend to fill up some way ahead and that would have given me more time.
T'Pol didn't agree so we had to go in and rescue him. He wasn't very grateful, all things considered. He demanded to know why we had taken so long. It seems that the mixture of pickled gherkins and rice pudding hadn't agreed with him. Or was it the one with a combination of peanut butter, fried onion rings and chocolate-chip ice cream? Chicken korma and doughnuts? I can't remember - there were so many.
I do now have an idea. The Captain was almost cross enough to rescind everyone's privileges, particularly the security team's. Perhaps if I aggravate him enough, he will cancel breakfast as a sort of punishment? He might even ban me from viewing any water polo.
::sigh:: It would mean another black mark on my record. What is worse? A delay in any promotion or several more years of water polo with the Captain.
Difficult.
Perhaps I can keep my offence trivial enough to stay off my record but sufficient to really, really infuriate the Captain.
So - I now have the beginnings of a possible plan. But there is only a short time in which to implement it.
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The beagle target practice tracks?
No. Far too annoying. The Captain would go ballistic. I could find myself thrown out of an airlock, even if that is against regs. Captains have a habit of being able to manipulate investigations into that sort of thing, particularly if aided and abetted by a Security second-in-command eager for promotion.
Even a sentence of several years of water polo is preferable to being tossed out into the vacuum of space.
Oh, I don't suppose he would really do that, but he could make my life a misery from here on in for the foreseeable future. So, my first assessment of that plan stands: no go.
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I'm brilliant! I have the perfect solution. I will not purposely commit a misdemeanour. No - I will merely carry out my duties.
The brilliant part is that I will carry them out with utmost zeal and vigour, ensuring that the Captain is fully aware of all security measures that can and should be taken, possibly including combat practice.
Brilliant! How can he possibly censure me for simply doing my job, yet soon he will be sick and tired of me?! He will not want to spend a second more in my presence by the time I have finished with him.
It has the added attraction of helping in future too. The Captain does tend to be far too cavalier when it comes to what I recommend. After spending some time in the presence of Malcolm Reed - Super Security Man - he will be more than thankful to get back to my normal approach. He might even take more notice of me for fear of finding the demanding SSM has returned!
What can go wrong with that?
There is no fear of being held back in my career or chucked out of an airlock. If anything, I might find a commendation winging my way and possibly a rapid promotion to get me out of his hair.
I know I shouldn't say this, but I'm so good!
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B-day minus 1
So, I'm back in my quarters after the beginning of Operation New Leaf. Hah. The Captain doesn't know what's hit him! Before he can stop me, every time - I am there, putting in my Security oar, advising caution, cramping his style.
Hee.
The Growarths, the creatures who kidnapped him, now want to be friends. I am insisting on escorting the Captain all the time, fully armed and push him promptly to the ground should danger threaten. Which it does - frequently.
In my judgement, of course. ::laughs:: It is wonderful. Liberating!
The Captain looks a little battered now and is starting to cringe away when I approach. My aversion therapy is starting to take effect.
I insisted that he take part in a sparring session, several actually, scheduled for today and tomorrow. He tried to plead unfitness. He said he still hadn't recovered from his food testing duties but I begged to disagree. Phlox gave him a clean bill of health. He is just being a crybaby.
The first session starts soon. I think I'll start with simple throws and work up from there. It is my duty to be tough with him. After all, one never knows what dastardly alien one is going to face around the next nebula. This is such fun! I should've done this ages ago!
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Trip has been bending my ear. He tried to show me the error of my ways, but I remained stubbornly obtuse. He knows me too well, however. I can see a suspicious glint in his eyes. I don't know if he'll tell the Captain. He hasn't got any proof, after all.
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I've just had a wonderful sparring session with the Captain. Normally I hold back, but this time, I didn't pull any punches, literally. I told the Captain that as he had been training for so long, he was now considered as 'advanced' and I would therefore feel obliged not to shirk my duty. I absolutely flattened him. It felt good! He didn't stand a chance. I have time to work out much more than he ever does and I've got a few years on my side. Mind you, he does have guts, I'll say that. And he did manage some good moves of his own. Umm. Yeah, my nose is quite sore and that eye is a most interesting shade. Still, it is worth it.
I've scheduled another session after dinner.
If I batter him sufficiently, he might take the morning off and want to skip breakfast. At least, that is what I hope.
Failing that, he might put me in Sick Bay. Yes - not ideal but it might have to do. I've put myself in the line of fire for others - why not for myself too?
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Damn, damn, double damn. It didn't work.
The Captain took me to one side before our last session tonight. He enquired in compassionate terms about my health, suggested that I was perhaps pushing too hard and needed to take a break - needed to relax. In fact, I needed to 'chill out' and watch some water polo. So tomorrow it is all set.
Water polo and breakfast. A day off duty. And then, water polo and dinner.
Aaarrghh!
Why are all my plans too good?!
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B-day
The moment of truth.
There is no hiding place. I must go and suffer, in the sure knowledge that this is only the beginning.
I must be strong. I cannot show any weakness.
Aaaaarrrgggghh!
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END File Extract. Vaporize.
A/N: Uh oh. Things look black indeed. :(
The sequel to 'Breakfast', entitled 'Consequences', reveals what happens next. I aim to post it next week.