Disclaimer: see Part 1.
A/N: Part 3 takes place after 'Consequences' (the sequel to 'Breakfast'). There is a slight inconsistency in the portrayal of events at the beginning of this Part and the end of 'Consequences' but think of it as artistic licence; or an unreliable narrator somewhere, perhaps; or the official and unofficial (more truthful?) versions... :-)
Operation Bamboozle
Part 3
From my secret source, a most resourceful source...
Security Lock Alpha Gamma Delta 2-3: Reed, Lt. Malcolm
Strictly Top Secret --------------------NO UNAUTHORISED ACCESS
Phlox has at last liberated me from Sick Bay. I spend far too much time there. It can't be good for my health - all those weird concoctions and alien creatures roaming around my body, snacking on my vital organs.
::ughh::
So - the water polo torture.
It's over.
I am triumphant. Sort of.
Not that I had much say in the matter.
My brain might have deserted me but my body came through and saved me - at a cost. Was it worthwhile?
::sigh::
I suppose so. I won't have to watch water polo with the Captain ever again.
Oh, but it was so incredibly embarrassing. One moment I was sitting quietly watching the game, and then I was engulfed in irrational panic. It is ludicrous, I know. How can I possibly end up incapacitated by aquaphobia in space?
Sheer natural talent, that's how.
Huh.
What a skill. I better add it to the list.
And not only did I lose all self-control, the Captain was there to witness it in all its gory detail. He was kind enough to insist it wouldn't have any bearing on my duties but surely I have lost what credibility I had with him? Is he ever going to take any notice of my advice in future?
Mind you, he never has taken much notice of me anyway, so no change there.
I added a new twist this time. Instead of turning into a gibbering idiot, I turned into a gibbering idiot and managed to knock myself senseless. I now have an impressive lump on the back of my head to show for it.
When I came round, all I could see was the sky filled with a gigantic alien monster.
I didn't have a weapon with me but my unarmed combat skills kicked into play. I launched myself at it and knocked it to the ground. It was only when I had clobbered it again that I realised it was Phlox, right before everything went black...
When I regained consciousness again, I found I had been strapped to the bed. I was absolutely furious! I still am absolutely furious, and likely to remain so for some time! He's a doctor, is he? I have my doubts, the quack. He should've known I was likely to be disorientated. Why did he put himself in that threatening position, looming over me?
::sigh::
I can see I'm going to have to have a chat with him to explain about proper safety protocols in Sick Bay. And that won't include strapping me down. I do have some self-control, after all. Other people... well, maybe...
Yes. I am furious and totally, utterly, irretrievably embarrassed.
The Captain was so, so sympathetic. It would have been easier to deal with if he'd been more irritated that I couldn't join him again in watching water polo, or annoyed that I'd had a go at Phlox, but that sympathy... ughh. "If you need to talk, Malcolm, I'm here." Deep, sincere gaze. Urrghh!
I have tried to forget about the aquaphobia, thought I could forget it out in space... Why on Earth would I want to talk about it?!
The Captain said he won't tell anyone else about it. Phlox promised as well, although I saw a nasty gleam in his eye... not the black one.
Oh, and then the Captain said - clear evidence of his flimsy grasp of some shipboard relationships - "And remember, Phlox is skilled in psychiatry. If you don't want to talk to me about it, talk to him."
Double urrghh! I happened to catch Phlox's look when the Captain said that. It reminded me of those 'mad scientist' films of Trip's - positively evil. ::shudder:: I vow not to end up in Sick Bay again. No way. Ever.
I have my sincere doubts about Phlox. I am convinced that one of the reasons he took this posting was so he could experiment on us - just some of the things he says. No one else appears to have noticed this. Trip wouldn't believe me when I said Phlox admitted he likes inflicting pain. As if I would lie about that!
Perhaps it is only me he experiments on?
He hates me, I think - no, I know he does.
Just because tentacles have feelings! How was I supposed to know? In any case, I was only going to give it a few zaps. Will Phlox ever let me forget that?
But what annoyed me today is that our good Doctor refused to release the restraints until he had 'treated me' even though I was clearly rational.
'Treatment', he calls it - torture, more like!
I feel queasy again just thinking about it. Phlox's cures are often worse than the illness. A lot worse.
Phlox said to the Captain, with a sideways glance at me, "The Aldebaran Basking Slug - ideal for suppressing anxieties. Here's one of the beauties, for your appreciation."
It was dull grey, slimy, with gollops of white goo dripping off it, writhing in Phlox's hand.
::shudder::
I could only watch, helpless. The Captain looked intrigued. It was okay for him, he wasn't about to be tortured, was he?! No wonder I was anxious!
Phlox was enjoying himself far too much. Then he gave that unnatural smile, the one that makes your flesh crawl. "Open wide, Lieutenant."
I clamped my jaw shut.
Phlox is too quick on the uptake, and next thing I know, he'd got hold of my nose, shot the damn thing into my mouth, and forced me to swallow it!
I thought he wasn't allowed to treat people against their consent! That's how he gets round that ethical straightjacket; he just makes it impossible for the poor benighted patient to object. I bet he has a stash of gags somewhere.
I was furious, but the Captain didn't notice - he was prodding at the remaining basking slugs to see if he could get them to release more goo.
I am grateful I got out of Sick Bay in one piece - with one small addition.
Umm. I think the slug is still moving around down there but Phlox said it wouldn't survive for long. It must be my imagination then. It does make it difficult to get comfortable. It's just as well I'm off duty for the rest of today.
Peace and quiet at last and the contemplation of no water polo. Ever.
Mmm. Nice.
---------------------
Haa. I have had an excellent idea.
I have decided that the Doctor needs his combat skills improving
I will schedule several sessions with him - get him on my home turf for a change. We'll see who can inflict the most pain.
Of course, it wouldn't be 'ethical' to 'harm' him.
::snort::
I can be most unethical if the circumstances demand it.
Fun, fun, fun!
--------------------
I suppose I must be thankful I've not got anything enjoying itself playing around in my intestines - except for the slug, which seems to have gone very quiet. So perhaps Phlox was telling the truth when he said it wouldn't last long?
Unless Phlox put something else in there, when I was unconscious, and hasn't told me?
That would be just his style, the duplicitous quack.
I can't feel anything else... at least, I don't think I can, but that doesn't mean anything.
----------------------
Yet another message from the Captain. He wants to know - again - how I am feeling. I think he feels guilty about it all.
Yes, yes, I am absolutely delighted that I will not in future be able to grace you with my presence during fascinating games of water bleugh. Now please do go away, there's a good Captain, and leave me alone!
Umm, which translates to: 'Thank you for your concern, Sir. I am fine.'
And add: 'Do you wish to resume our training sessions?'
Hee.
That'll shut him up. If not, I'll put him in the queue after Doctor Quackers.
-------------------
The more I think about it, the more certain I am that Phlox has inflicted some other creature on me. I can feel it moving about inside me.
I don't see why we are cursed with an alien doctor. We are supposed to be the flagship. Why can't we have a proper doctor instead of someone who enjoys experimenting on us? Well, on me in particular.
I will comm him - no way am I going near Sick Bay if I can help it - and see what he says. I can normally tell when someone is lying to me.
-------------------
Now the Doctor is accusing me of paranoia - brought on by 'recent events' - and wants me to return to Sick Bay so he can medicate with something else.
Damn. I should've kept my mouth shut. Or perhaps been less vigorous in my line of questioning.
Damn.
-------------------
Okay. This isn't so bad. Some lozenges. The Doctor says to take one every hour. They are supposed to be calming and uplifting.
::snort:: I have my doubts. Phlox hates me, I know it. All these quack remedies of his.
However, I am still feeling a little shaky - the adrenaline I think - so I will see if they work. He's given me a boxful of the things: black, spherical...
::chew::
Hhhmm.
Interesting texture. Rubbery but fibrous, a rather spicy taste, and something else which reminds me of... aniseed, perhaps? Strange, flaky parts and a liquid centre. Not bad, I can even feel it beginning to take effect.
Oh well, perhaps the Doctor doesn't hate me after all.
-----------------------
Those lozenges are very 'moreish'. Another one I think. Recalling what happened has raised my tension levels again.
-------------------------
Trip called by to see how I was.
He knew something had happened. Apparently I had been seen being carried through the Mess Hall.
That hadn't occurred to me. I can just picture it. All those people... watching me being dragged through the breakfast time crowds. That has to be nearly as embarrassing as the aquaphobia.
I gave Trip my story. I claimed I had slipped over and hit my head. Actually, that is the truth - just not the whole truth.
He gazed at me sceptically until I showed him the injury.
I've still got that massive lump on the back of my head from when I hit the deck - hard. When I first touched it I thought my brains were falling out, but it was only another of the Doctor's creatures. I tried not to look at it when Phlox removed it; I know from bitter experience that it can be most disturbing to watch too closely. But I was too late. I saw the ugly, pulsating, purring thing. Uggh. I think the fact it was mostly translucent and I could see its innards was the most off-putting.
I'm normally pretty good with horrific-looking aliens – as long as they are not attached to me.
Trip asked if I was sure I was okay. He said I seemed a little out of it.
I told him quite honestly that I was feeling pretty good - and I am, surprisingly enough, despite the recent traumas.
He asked me when I was going to be watching water polo again.
I said, with a straight face, that by mutual consent, the Captain and I had decided that water polo is not the sport for me.
Trip looked at me with such frank amazement that I almost burst out laughing. I could see he couldn't figure it out, but he couldn't bring himself to ask what had happened.
I know he will crack in the end. He can't stand not knowing what's going on.
------------------
Another lozenge, Malcolm? Thank you, Malcolm.
Ahh. That's better! I can feel a warm glow wafting over me. They are quite addictive.
No. You can't have any cheese.
No. I don't care. I'm not the Captain. Yet.
Yes, these lozenges aren't bad, not bad at all.
I'm not sure about the hallucinations though...
It must be a hallucination. I didn't include acoustic capability in my beagle sculpture. And even if I had, I wouldn't have got it speaking English - that wouldn't be very realistic would it?
It's asking for cheese, otherwise it says it will turn a phase pistol on me and watch me run...
I know Phlox said take one an hour, but they are lovely. I can ignore the hallucinations.
Another one, I think...
-------------------
Oh Nooooo. The box is empty.
::sob::
And you can shut up, too!
-------------------
I went back to Sick Bay - of my own accord. Umm. Should I be worried about that?
I'm not desperate, not really, but if this medicine is working, I should keep on with it, shouldn't I? I owe it to myself.
I made sure not to mention the talking beagle. Phlox looked at me kind of oddly when I asked for more lozenges. He said I should still have plenty left.
I said yes, of course I have, but a good tactical officer always plans ahead, and I might possibly need a few more to get through the night – a reasonable precaution.
I didn't mention the rude comments his bat was making. I even managed to keep a straight face when the lizard told an obscene and very funny joke. I must try to remember it.
My serious demeanour seemed to satisfy Phlox. He gave me more lozenges but said he would require some time to prepare the whole amount and to come back later.
Then he got down a small crate. It was transparent and I could see some centipede-thingies with huge black eyeballs crawling around inside it.
Now I am sitting here trying not to throw up.
I'll have to go cold turkey.
----------------------
I've just had another visitor: Travis.
I could tell he wanted to know what had happened, how I had managed to escape my fate of endless water polo.
I told him what I had told Trip: mutual agreement.
Travis seemed disappointed in that.
At least now I know the whole ship will soon find out that I was victorious in evading doom. Travis can't keep his big mouth shut. It's better than any intra-ship memorandum.
I was congratulating myself on this dispersal of propaganda - I mean - intelligence, when Travis muttered something about losing a bet.
The swines! They have been gambling on my predicament. I don't know what it was based on. Let me see... how long it was before I shot myself, maybe?
To tell the truth, I don't really care, even though it demonstrates a degree of callousness in my crewmates that I find shocking.
I got my own back.
I told Travis that the Captain was now on the lookout for someone else with whom to share his love of water polo. I said he had asked me for any suggestions.
Hah!
That barb got home all right. Travis seemed a little faint when I said that.
Now I know I will get proper respect from him.
Then I offered him a lozenge.
------------------
I'm ignoring that bloody beagle. I can hardly hear myself think over its yapping jibes. When it has something worth saying, I'll listen to it.
Got that?!
::beep::
Another message from the Captain. I expect he has found some self-help book for me to read. I think he's realised that talking to Phlox is completely out of the question.
Uh oh.
::gulp::
This is bad. Very bad.
To: M. Reed, Lt. - I have had a report from the librarian that the library net was deliberately tampered with. Apparently some data was deleted.
Please liaise with Ensign Sato to recover the lost data and forward it to me for my immediate attention so that I can determine its importance. Also, find the culprit. I will not have this sort of behavior on my ship, whether it is vandalism or something more sinister. I intend to make an example of this person.
J. Archer, Capt.
FYDI.
Don't panic, don't panic.
No - that didn't work.
I am doomed - I am quite entitled to panic.
This is terrible. Liaise with Hoshi? She will know exactly what to do and how to get to the bottom of this.
I may as well start packing now.
Two lozenges, I think.
----------------------
Shut up!
I'm not listening.
That's not funny.
I would not be any good as a toast rack - I am too big. Or an umbrella stand.
I told you, shut up. That's an order!
I think I do outrank you, actually.
That is sick, t-t-totally sick.
There is NO WAY I would be a suitable floatation device for lifeguards. You are just toying with my... frailties. You should not joke about that. It's a really mean thing to say.
YES IT IS!
I am not listening.
'101 Uses for a Dead Reed' should not be in the library. It is not funny. I don't care what Phlox thinks.
Yes, actually. Beagles are different.
I'm not listening.
La la la la...
-----------------------
Damn.
The Captain found out about the phase pistol I keep in my quarters.
I couldn't help it. The beagle sculpture was after me.
Now it is a smouldering lump.
Of course, the Captain and my security team were on to me straightaway. I didn't forget about the sensors but there was no time to disable them. I would've been a dead man for sure. I wonder where it got its weapon from?
I didn't say anything about the beagle to the Captain. I didn't want to upset him - he has his illusions about the breed, after all.
He gave me a peculiar look when I said I discharged my weapon accidentally - yeah, not at all believable but the best I could come up with. Now he has confiscated it.
The Captain has told me to report to his Ready Room shortly, once he has had an opportunity to consider how to deal with me.
I hope I really have accounted for that evil beagle.
I'm sure I just saw its remains twitch.
Perhaps I should keep two phase pistols in my quarters?
----------------------
::sigh::
That went badly.
The Captain said he was very disappointed in me. He said he realised that I must be under some stress because I am unable to watch water polo and because of my... ::cough:: aquaphobia. Yes - that's exactly how he put it, with a little embarrassed cough. You know, if he couldn't deal with my revelation he damned well shouldn't have got me to talk about myself. Or made me have breakfast with him.
The Captain reminded me that weapons are not permitted in crew quarters.
Well, duh! I know that, but I have given myself special dispensation regarding that rule.
It's all a question of hats: the Tactical Officer deemed it a good plan, the Chief Security Officer authorised it and the Armory Officer issued the weapon. I don't see the problem. It not like any Tom, Dick or Harry can get proper authority – only Malcolm!
Hah!
I didn't tell the Captain that, of course. That's why he has his officers, so he doesn't need to worry about such insignificant details.
That still left the question of the weapon's unauthorised discharge. I felt I was quite in order to use it to defend myself but of course, in doing so, I destroyed most of the perpetrator - enough to leave no evidence of its actions. My phase pistol was set on 'kill', entirely correct in the circumstances.
Without any evidence, I had nothing I could say in my defence, so kept my mouth shut throughout the proceedings. As a beagle was involved that was probably wise anyway, given the Captain's loyalties in that regard.
The Captain said he had no option. He has made a note on my record. However, he will not impose any further punishment.
There goes my bid for rapid promotion.
Damnation.
::sigh::
The Captain feels sorry for me, I think, because I am denied access to the 'joy' that is water polo. He also feels guilty because he managed to induce my aquaphobia to show itself - quite a feat in the vacuum of space. Yes - our Captain does have some amazing talents.
::big sigh::
The Captain also told me I must not take my frustrations out on my accommodation, even without the aid of a phase pistol.
Which reminds me, I forgot to ask him if he wants to resume our training sessions - he never answered my earlier note about that. A good bout of unarmed combat will do wonders at getting rid of my frustration. I don't think the Doctor alone will give me a sufficient challenge.
------------------------
Trip came by again. He had heard about the incident with the phase pistol.
He asked about the shakes. I said it was a training technique that I was evaluating - the opposite of meditation.
I offered him a lozenge.
I had one too. Yes - I know I said cold turkey but I'll just finish them off first... It would be a shame to waste them. I'll try to forget about what they are made of.
Haa. I might tell Trip later. I'd pay good money to see the look on his face. Travis as well, but Trip loathes bugs. I'll see if I can borrow a camera for the occasion.
Hee.
----------------------
It seems Trip didn't believe me about the anti-meditation training technique and ratted me out to Phlox.
So, after another trip to Sick Bay, courtesy of Commander Bloody Tucker, I am now officially off the medicine. No more lozenges.
Phlox viewed my reactions to them as an interesting experiment and spent ages carrying out tests and asking me stupid questions.
It was hard to ignore what the animals were saying. Some of them were quite scathing about my condition, others made bloody good jokes - I couldn't keep a straight face. The things that lizard says! He'd slay them on the comedy circuit.
I had to repeat everything they said for the Doctor's benefit. He has a peculiar sense of humour. The 'Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and Denobulan' jokes were hilarious but he just couldn't get them. How sad.
In the end, I laughed manically and told Phlox he was a menace, a lunatic and a quack, and a lot more besides! Err, let's see, one of my better efforts was: 'a homicidal freak with no ethics and marbles for a brain with a tenuous grasp of anything remotely resembling medical proficiency'.
Hah! It was most satisfying. All that pent up emotion let loose in a satisfying torrent. It got me out of Sick Bay too.
Take that, Doctor Evil!
----------------------
Uh oh. Phlox's sent me a curt note about inappropriate behaviour, copied to the Captain.
I do now have concerns about my next visit to Sick Bay. I will just have to avoid it, that's all.
Hmm. That's not very likely, is it, going by past history?
I may have to bargain with Phlox: forget about training sessions in return for 'appropriate treatment' next time I am under his control.
That is so annoying. I had been so looking forwards to walloping the Doctor - the one spark of enjoyment on the near horizon.
----------------------
The Captain called me to his Ready Room again - this is getting to be a nasty habit - to lecture me on proper behaviour for an officer.
I kept my mouth shut and took the bollocking without complaint, but when was the Captain last subjected to Phlox in full 'mad professor' mode? It's always me, isn't it? It's not fair.
It's funny how we get Dr Frankenstein films on those Movie Nights when I happen to be incarcerated in Sick Bay. I notice Phlox always goes to those.
It's all one big conspiracy.
I want a lozenge. I should've hidden some with the replacement phase pistol.
-----------------------
::sigh::
I am so fed up. So very depressed.
I can't believe I shot my sculpture. It is almost utterly destroyed - only a remnant is left. A single ear.
The fruits of all that effort, skill and artistic inspiration gone, in a trice.
::sigh::
And at my own hand.
I feel like I have lost a friend. No - worse than that - I feel as though I have murdered a friend.
::sigh::
I better return my phase pistol to the Armory. Gah! I can't even trust myself with a weapon any more. The Captain was far too lenient with me. I don't know whether to be pleased about that or worried.
I was totally off my rocker. It's very embarrassing. Not only the Captain saw me like that, but Trip, Travis... my security team. Damn and blast. Everyone in the corridors...
Phlox as well but he doesn't count.
::sigh::
Whatever possessed me to insult Phlox? That was tactically - let's not beat about the bush here - downright stupid! I can only guess that I was still under the medicine's influence. I hope Phlox realises that.
I wish I had another lozenge.
No, no! Stop thinking like that! Pull yourself together, man.
::sigh::
This is going to be a difficult few days.
::sigh::
-----------------------
Another visitor. What a surprise - not. I appear to be the on-board entertainment for today. This time it was Hoshi, politely averting her eyes from the sad remains of my sculpture.
To begin with, I thought she might have come to cheer me up, but no - she wanted to know if I had got anywhere with finding out who had damaged the library net.
I could only respond in a kind of stuttering splutter. I noticed the evil gleam in her eyes - her usual inappropriate sense of humour.
"Who do you think it could be?" she asked, staring straight at me. "Have you worked out a profile of the offender?"
Well - what was I supposed to say? Confess all and throw myself on her mercy? Or play along on the off chance that she couldn't reconstruct the data and track its origin?
I'm not one to surrender whilst there is the slightest hope, so I went for broke. How did I put it? Oh, yeah: "Clearly it was someone who was trying to compensate for a feeling of inadequacy by carrying out juvenile pranks. The amount of data lost appears to be very small and from a non-critical part of our systems. I think if we ask the Captain to send a warning note around the ship, there shouldn't be a recurrence."
I thought that was fairly persuasive.
But no. Hoshi pointed out that the Captain had specifically ordered us to identify the offender.
So - she's left me to it, to do what I can. She says she has a foolproof way of tracking the lost data but it will take some time. She suggested I read the message again - carefully - and then left. I am sure I heard her laugh when she got on the other side of my door.
::sigh::
Just when I thought matters couldn't get any worse.
Read the message again?
Yes - it is quite clear.
Except:
'J. Archer, Capt.
FYDI.'
What is that supposed to mean? The Captain doesn't normally sign off like that. FYDI?
I've never heard of that acronym.
What does our database say?
FYDI.
'Fooled You Didn't I?'
Uh?
::choke::
What?!
It was a fake message?!
Hoshi - you, you... rat! Ratesse!
Behind that innocent façade you are evil - up there with Phlox! I wouldn't be surprised if Travis is in on it as well.
Hmm.
Perhaps Hoshi needs more training?
Not target practice - that is too good for her - even if I made her the target! Although thinking about it, that does have its attractions. It might be difficult to explain it to the Captain, I suppose, if she ends up in Sick Bay.
EV work? Possibly... A little stroll across the hull? Near a planet - that's always good for inducing vertigo.
No. I've got it! The ship's sanitation systems. That's more like it! After all, our Ensigns are supposed to get a well-rounded education. That means all the ship's systems.
Hah!
I feel a lot happier.
Oh, I suppose I shouldn't use my rank to get my own back. It should be something more in keeping with the spirit of such things, but I can dream, can't I?
Thanks, Hoshi, for cheering me up.
I wish I had more lozenges - for visitors only, naturally. I would only need one for each person - not enough to get hooked but sufficient to achieve the full effect when I reveal what they are made from.
Hah!
That would most certainly be in keeping with the spirit of things.
-------------------------
The Captain unexpectedly called by my quarters.
It seems he has read Phlox's report on his experiments... I mean, treatment... and my somewhat, umm... disturbed... response to the lozenges.
I apologised, of course, but the Captain wouldn't hear of it. It astonishes me that he still is happy to retain me in my post but he said it could have happened to any one of us. It was just unlucky it happened to be me.
That was decent of him.
He was quite remorseful. He apologised for being so harsh on me about firing my phase pistol and on what I said to Phlox. He said he will amend my record accordingly to show that I should not be held accountable. Indeed, he might even give me a commendation - if he can think of something to commend me about.
He left me with some good news. It has really raised my spirits.
He said he would find me an asteroid field to blow up. I can play with - err, I mean, deploy - my torpedoes and phase cannons.
Brilliant!
He has been so discouraging about the possibility up to now, arguing that we are not a warship and other such nonsense.
At last, my nightmare is over. Things are returning to normal - better than normal.
I do love a good explosion! The only thing better - almost! - is two explosions!
Who needs lozenges?!
I may even forgive Hoshi.
Of course, I have to do that anyway, given the blackmail material she now has on me.
--------------------
I had so much fun tonight at dinner.
Trip was beside himself. He had clearly been wondering all day how I had managed to persuade the Captain that water polo was not for me. After all, Trip had seen the great success of Operation Bamboozle at first hand - the Captain couldn't stop talking about my apparent enthusiasm for the sport.
In the end Trip caved in - I certainly wasn't going to volunteer - and asked me, "So - how'd you do it? It's all around the ship."
I smiled enigmatically - quick check in the mirror - yes, a good attempt at 'enigmatic'. I knew it was all around the ship - I'd made bloody sure of that! I had told Travis after all.
Trip pleaded with me to tell him.
Haa haa, what power one can wield. I considered for a moment, wondering what I might ask in return for the information Trip so desperately sought. Of course, I no longer need his support on gunnery practice. That's tomorrow - yes!
I came up with a good one. I told Trip I would only divulge the secret of my success if I have a say in what movies are shown in future. Strike while the iron is hot. Cut down on those 'security incidents'.
Trip was most reluctant - he gets so much not-so-innocent pleasure from unsuitable selections - but he couldn't resist. We bargained it down, and it ended up that for the next two months I get to decide what we see.
I had spent some time thinking about exactly what to say concerning my success in evading future water polo engagements. I found something which would infuriate Trip but also was the absolute truth.
I looked him straight in the eye and said, "How did I persuade the Captain I shouldn't watch any more water polo? I didn't have to say a word. It's down to sheer natural talent - Scout's honour!"
Trip did his 'twisted, annoyed' face. I do enjoy that expression of his - it shows that I am on form!
Somehow I don't think our movie deal will stand, but I don't care. I'm not telling him anything more and I'm... happy again!
'Singin' in the Rain'?
I'm in the mood for musicals now.
Dum de dum dum, dum de dum de dum dum,...
END File Extract and feed it to hamsters (after wiping off basking slug goo).