A short background first, I think. This, obviously, is a parody. I don't own any of the characters mentioned, except for a few. But those come later. All the current characters, unless mentioned by me, are owned and copyrighted by J.R.R. Tolkien. Here's the setting. It's using the characters from all three books, obviously of my choosing. The setting is some kind of combination of the three books. Saruman has decided to set up a fire department. The rest shall follow naturally.
Gandalf: (addressing those in the room: Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gollum, and Pippin.) Ok, men. As you know, this is the first meeting of our new fire department! We will put out fires! OR ELSE!
Aragorn: SARUMAN! HE MUST BE BEHIND THIS! I WILL UNDO HIS EVIL DEEDS TO FEED MY ENORMOUS EGO!!!!! (shakes fist) Or else I shall perish bravely in the quest of trying to inflate my head a little more so it pops!
Legolas: (shoves mirror he was holding behind his back) Oh! Ummm, what mirror? (looks wildly around) I don't see a mirror!
Gimli: (walks around Legolas and plucks mirror out of his hand) Oh, you mean this mirror?
Legolas: (blushing) I was looking for that! Where did you find that?!?!
Gollum: (rocking back and forth in a corner) Yessssss, precioussss. We doesn't like the nasty men, precioussss. They hurts us, precioussss. Hiding nasssssty thingses in their pocketses. Yessss, precioussssss. Nasty nasty pocketses.
Pippin: GANDALF! (runs to Gandalf) Gollum's freaking me out again!
Gandalf: Ok! (Elrond comes in, frantically motioning for Gandalf to join him, Gandalf walks out, saying over his shoulder:) You may now run screaming in little circles while I'm gone!
chaos as everyone runs in enough little circles to become exhausted, then collapses on the floor. Gandalf walks between them, snickering and shaking his head.
Gandalf: Weaklings! And to think some of them made up the Fellowship........OOH! PB&J! My FAVORITE!!! (runs to table with PB&J, knocks head on door, and passes out. Meanwhile, far away, the Ring grows legs and runs away, wreaking havoc.)
Zoom to Sam and Frodo
Sam: Mister Frodo! It's getting away! NOOOOO!!!!!!!! (pounces on Ring) GOTCHA! YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY THAT EASILY! NOT UNTIL WE DESTROY YOU!
Frodo: Unghh......(waking up) Sam! What are you DOING! NO! GET OFF ME YOU CREEP! AAAH! (eyes roll back in head) DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY!
Sam: Mister FRODO! NOOOO!! YOU CAN'T DIE! I GOTTA HELP YOU DESTROY THE RING THAT I JUST SKILLFULLY CAUGHT SO THAT YOU CAN ALMOST FALL INTO A CHASM OF DOOM!
Frodo: (normal, or as normal as he gets, again) (rolls over) Sam, go back to sleep. You'll need it. (thinking) MWAHAHA!!!!!!
back to the rest of the characters
Aragorn: (waking up, rubbing head, sees Gandalf, who has woken up before, standing over him, and Aragorn is hallucinating) Arwen? Come here! (grabs Gandalf's face and kisses him) (lets go of Gandalf) Oh thank GOD! I thought I died! Wait...... why would a great Elf like you hang out with a slimeball like me? I mean, I don't even shower! Come on! WHY?!?!?(shakes Gandalf to try to get him to talk) (hallucination breaks when Gandalf starts laughing hysterically) Wha...?!?!?!? GANDALF! YOU SCUM! YOU.......I'LL BANISH YOU FROM MY KINGDOM!!! (thinking) which technically doesn't exist yet.....
Gandalf: (bent in two, grasping stomach, pointing at Aragorn, laughing hysterically) HAHAHAHA!!!! WHAT A LOSER!!!!! I'LL NEVER CROWN YOU KING!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! gasp "I DON'T EVEN SHOWER!" gasp HAHAHAHA! THAT'S A LAUGH! (falls on floor from laughing so hard, then starts weeping)
Aragorn: GANDALF! Are you okay? (still slightly annoyed) (shakes Gandalf trying to get him to stop weeping)
Gandalf: (still gasping for air, stands up, wiping eyes) I'm fine! Oh, was that FUNNY! HAHAHAHA!!!
Aragorn: (draws sword, points it at Gandalf) Either you stop laughing, or I'll....I'll......SUE THE.....THE.....TUNA COMPANY DOWN THE STREET! Yeah! That's it....the TUNA company! (thinking) And then I'll get more of an ego when I win.....
Legolas: Sorry to break this up, but can we leave now? It's past my bedtime and I've got a hair appointment tomorrow morning!
Gimli: Yeah! I have to go sharpen my axe! And wish that I was taller so that I could smack the crap out of Legolas!
Gandalf: (still gasping with laughter, motions for them to go ahead, Legolas and Gimli scurry off before he can change his mind.) Aragorn, you should go polish your non-existent crown.......inflate your ego a little more....heehee....and take a SHOWER!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Aragorn: (runs off, muttering to himself) I'll show him....when my ego pops my already overinflated head, THEN he'll be sorry!
Gandalf: (passes out from laughter and lies motionless on the floor)