No matter where, the shooting was always there. You couldn't escape it. As Marissa flipped through the channels, the shooting was on every channel. It was either on the news, or the tally of people dead was going by on the bottom of the screen. Marissa was stuck. She couldn't leave her room without being tormented by her mother. Julie kept asking questions about it, trying the "talking about it makes it easier to deal with" approach. Marissa did not want to talk about it, but Julie didn't get that memo. It was the third day after the shooting, and the school most likely wouldn't be open for at least a week. Yesterday, Marissa had stopped by the hospital, hoping to see Seth awake, but he wasn't. She had been the one to tell Summer the news. And she hadn't talked to Summer since. Marissa was worried too, because Summer had already been upset about Seth. Now with Seth out for who knows how long, how would everyone get by? It was already difficult, and it had only been three days.
Marissa was sick of watching the television. She decided to listen to some music. She laid on her bed, listening to the Sex Pistols while taking a sip of beer. It felt wonderful. Becoming numb. The music wasn't all that relaxing, but somehow it was. She swallowed some more beer. But then a knock at the door brought her back to reality.
"Marissa honey? Can I come in?" Her mother was at the door. Marissa shot up and stared at the door for a terrified second. Then she grabbed the bottle and shoved it behind the bed. She took off her headphones. "Marissa?" Julie knocked again.
"Come in." Marissa answered sullenly. She watched as the door opened and revealed Julie. Marissa didn't look up, she knew who it was. Julie smiled at her daughter. She wished she could know what was going on in her daughter's mind. Everything was off ever since school started. Marissa hung out more and more with Summer and some boys, never spending a whole lot of time at home.
"How are you doing?" Julie asked, hoping it was the best way to start a conversation.
"I'm fine." Marissa answered, not wanting to be in the same room with her mother. Julie always expected so much of her daughter. She was living through Marissa. And Marissa hated it.
"I know you're upset about Seth. I am too. He's my only grandchild right now. It's scary. Him being shot and all. Now he's in a coma. That's not good. But, we will survive, and he will wake up." Marissa was looking at her mother, just not paying attention. She knew Seth would wake up, he'd have to, Marissa would make him if he didn't. "Do you know that honey? I know you may be a little hopeless right now, but you can't give up. Seth needs us now. And we're gonna be right by him."
"Yeah.......right." Marissa nodded in agreement dully. Julie was just saying nothing. Marissa knew Julie wouldn't follow through with anything.
"Marissa, you seem a little out there. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, Mom. I'm fine. Really. I am." Marissa barely tried to reassure Julie. But Julie wasn't buying it. She got up and inspected the room.
"Maybe a color change here? And open the window. You can get come light in here." Julie pulled open the shades. Marissa squinted her eyes, afraid of all the sunlight. She felt like a vampire, going to die with all the light. "What's wrong? You need to tan, you're pale." Julie exclaimed as she looked over to her daughter.
"It's November." Marissa defended her pallor. She didn't spend as much time outside as she used to.
"We're in southern California. You should be tan." Julie objected. She looked at Marissa, who was looking down at the floor. "Marissa, I'm just worried. You're not as social as you used to be. What happened to that girl you always hung out with? Holly? I haven't seen her around in a while." Marissa's head shot up and she stared at her mother. All that pain she had felt in Tijuana about Luke came back. She hated Luke for sleeping with Holly. She had given herself up to him. He had been her first mistake. But then, to top it all off, later he slept with Julie. Her mother.
"We kind of drifted apart. Me and Holly." Marissa didn't mention Luke's sleeping habits. She shouldn't stat something with her mother. Marissa was worried about Seth. The person she should be thinking about.
"Oh. That's a shame. I always liked her." Julie turned back to the room.
"That's because you both like to sleep with Luke." Marissa mumbled so softly that Julie couldn't hear.
"Marissa," Julie started as she turned back to her daughter. Marissa feared she heard what she said. "Is there anything you want to talk about? I know the shooting had to have been traumatic. You need to make your pain vocal. It's such a great release." Julie encouraged her daughter to speak up. Marissa breathed. Julie hadn't heard. Marissa thought about the other night. When she flipped out on her dad, stepsister, and Summer. How it had felt so good releasing the pain. Of course, that could have been the alcohol making her feel good. "So, you wanna talk about something?" Marissa looked at her mother and shook her head.
"No." She said confidently. Her mother looked disappointed and it made the moment even better.
"Oh. Well, are you sure? Think about it a bit more." Julie continued to pull something out of Marissa. Marissa did not want to talk about it. At least, not to her mother. The only person she wanted to share her fears with was Ryan, whom she loved.
"I don't want to talk about it." Marissa told her mother firmly. She wanted Julie to leave, and let Marissa numb herself a tiny more.
"Okay. But you know, if you ever need to, I'm always here." Julie missed the times when her and Marissa would always talk, but that time was long over.
"I know Mom." Marissa answered and watched her mother leave. She breathed a sigh of relief and grabbed the bottle and took a sip. It was heaven to her. She could feel the pain drifting away, taking Marissa to her numb state. Where nothing ever hurt, and there was no sadness, no anger. No emotion at all. A blank frame of mind. Marissa put her headphones on again, but changed the cd. The Sex Pistols were too much anger for her. Marissa put in a mix cd and let the song take her over.
She was drifting away, lost. Another sip of beer made her feel better. The shooting was becoming a distant, blurry memory. The words in her head became soft and barely audible. She couldn't think anymore as more alcohol burned down her throat.
A door slamming closed brought Marissa back. Her eyes widened in surprise, and she didn't feel like drinking anymore. Which was a huge surprise, too, since Marissa seemed always in the mood for a drink.
Marissa got up and peered out her door. She knew it was her mother's door slamming, Julie did that a lot. She liked to bring all the drama and attention to herself so that she would be noticed. Marissa could even hear the fake sobs that were loud enough to make dogs bark. Caleb would come running, trying to soothe Julie. It was all very typical. Marissa was used to it.
But one thing definitely surprised Marissa. Julie was actually still married to Caleb, even though he was just about broke and was knee high in lawsuits. Marissa ignored all the problems those two suffered, she could care less. She was more involved in her own life and the other people around her. She cared about her father, Ryan, Seth, and Summer. Those were the people she cared most for. Even Sandy and Kirsten ranked higher than her own mother. The Cohens were the nicest family Marissa knew and they always helped out when they could. But now, they were going through something so horrible. They were the least deserving family, Seth especially. The Cohens believed in people and didn't make decisions of people on what they heard. Ryan wouldn't be there if it wasn't for Sandy, and the belief of good in people. Marissa knew no other family in Newport would've taken Ryan in.
Marissa went to the balcony. She watched the sunset, ending another dismal day. Maybe tomorrow Marissa would visit Seth and find him awake. She smiled at the thought of this. Who knew something so normal as waking up had become so important. It was a simple thing, that everyone take for granted. Well, what if you were stuck sleeping, no control of anything? What if you couldn't open your eyes and was forced to stare into the dark? Such simple things, like opening your eyes, moving, talking had been ripped away from Seth. No one knew when he would see another color other than black again. When would Seth wake up? It was a question they all asked when they woke up, when their minds wandered, when they closed their eyes at night. There was no answer. They just had to wait it out.
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It was four days since Kirsten had learned her son had fallen into a coma, six days since the shooting. Sunday afternoon found her sitting in a hospital chair, staring at Seth. She had given up on hating hospitals. She barely noticed she was inside one now. Kirsten didn't talk a lot when she sat in her usual chair, only to Marissa occasionally. She didn't even attempt to talk to Seth. She just watched him sleep. Kirsten knew she would break down if she spoke to him, it was too upsetting.
When Kirsten had learned Seth had run away, she thought it was the worst she would ever feel. Both her sons had been gone, and she was alone. But Seth had pulled money out of his bank account, and they immediately tracked him down, stopping his up-the-coast trip after two weeks. Kirsten had grounded him for the rest of the year, barely letting him play video games. Kirsten had still been upset, since Ryan was still in Chino, and at the end of August, she forced Sandy to go get him. Kirsten promised herself that would be the saddest she would ever allow herself to feel. But then this happened.
Watching Seth lie lifeless on a bed was really more upsetting than having no clue where he was. At least when Seth was missing, he could move and talk. Now, he could do neither.
"Kirsten," a voice came form behind her. She turned to find Sandy standing there, staring at her. She would have never been able to survive through this without him. He was her support. "You haven't left this room in quite a while. You need to get out. Go home, take a nap. A comfortable one." Sandy urged her to leave.
"What if he wakes up while I'm gone?" Kirsten didn't want to leave. She wanted to be by her baby.
"Then he should be awake when you come back. Just, come on." Kirsten finally gave in. She could use a nice nap. Hospital chairs provided no comfort. But with her naps, she could wake up. Seth couldn't.
Kirsten and Sandy made their way out of the hospital and to their car. Sandy hadn't been spending nearly as much time at the hospital as Kirsten. She barely left. Ryan also spent a lot of time at the hospital, but not really inside Seth's room. He much more preferred to sit outside the room, staring inside at the window. Even when he was inside the room, mostly he stood by the window and stared out. Marissa had been over a few days, sometimes even getting Ryan to talk. She brought news of the outside world, where the Cohens seemed to be distancing themselves from. School was scheduled to start the Monday after next, giving everyone enough time to breathe. But for the people most effected, it wasn't. The school had scheduled a funeral-type service for the students to attend, and everyone could just remember the good times they had with the students that had died. Their families were making their own actual funeral for each student, so Newport Funeral Home was quite busy.
Summer hadn't been heard from a lot lately. Marissa had called her some days, but she never visited. She wasn't dealing very well. Kirsten had heard all this from Marissa directly. They talked sometimes, since Ryan and Sandy didn't. They said nothing upsetting around Seth, saving it all for outside the room.
Kirsten was so lost in thought that she barely noticed the car was now in their garage and Sandy was tapping her shoulder, calling her name. She fell out of her thoughts and got out of the car. She didn't say anything as she went into the quiet house. Outside in the pool house, Ryan had locked himself away, the shades were drawn, he did not want to be disturbed.
As Kirsten made her way up the stairs, she thought about how much her family had fallen apart. They were just becoming okay after the summer, and now they were worse than they started. All of them had become more introverted, drawn into themselves, upon hearing Seth had fallen into a coma. Maybe they all thought this was the easiest way to deal, or it was a natural reaction to intensive emotional trauma. Either way, it didn't help a whole lot. The longer Kirsten kept her pain inside, the more she wanted to scream it out loud.
Kirsten fell onto her bed. She wasn't tired, but yet she was. Her mind had too many thoughts racing through it to sleep. The last six days had been torture to them all. Nothing mattered anymore. All the anger Kirsten had against people was gone. She didn't have time to be angry. All she had time for now was to worry about Seth. She had abandoned work. Her father didn't mind. He was trying to get out of hot water. Caleb and Julie hd only visited Seth once, much different than Marissa. She practically visited Seth every day. When Kirsten asked her why, she visited every day, Marissa answered, "If something ever happened to him, I don't wanna regret not seeing him." Kirsten was touched by what Marissa had answered.
A knock at the door pulled Kirsten out of her thoughts and she turned to it. Sandy stood in the doorway.
"Hey." Sandy greeted her. He then walked over and sat in the bed. "How are you doing?"
"Fine." Kirsten lied.
"No, really." Sandy saw right through Kirsten's lies. He always did.
"I don't know how much longer I can just watch him. It's too hard." Kirsten answered truthfully.
"I know. It's hard for me too. But, these are the cards we got dealt. We gotta play them."
"Can't we, like, exchange them? Like in poker?" Tears fell down Kirsten's face. She had broken down. Again.
"Nope." Sandy let Kirsten's head fall on him. He tried to be calm. No showing you were weak around Kirsten. Who would she fall on then? "Come on, it's gonna be okay." Sandy reassured her.
"Will it? How can we even begin to pick up the pieces of our lives after this?" Kirsten was pessimistic. She could see good no longer. Only sadness. Like Seth, only darkness, black.
"Kirsten, we'll get through this. We just have to take it one day at a time." Kirsten looked up at her husband. How could he stay so positive? What was his secret? Kirsten needed anything to help her though this.
They didn't say anything for a bit, lost in their own thoughts. But really, both thought about Seth. How could they not? He was the only thing on their mind. Kirsten thought about when he ran away. They had been devastated for two weeks, but when he was back, they promised to pay more attention to him. Maybe, just maybe, him being in a coma was like a punishment to them also. Maybe they had taken advantage of him. Taken advantage of the fact that he would always be there. They should have learned this lesson months ago. But they didn't, so here they were again.
Kirsten stared down at the bed comforter, smoothing out the wrinkles. But she couldn't. They always came back, and there were so many. So many problems Kirsten kept trying to solve, but couldn't. She was going at it the wrong ways. The wrinkles could be flattened, just not by the way Kirsten was attempting.
Sandy watched Kirsten try to unwrinkle the comforter. He watched her hands move and smooth. Come up, and let the wrinkle would go away. But more would come. Somehow, he took comfort in watching her hands work. It put him at ease. Like the only problem there was, was the unwrinkling of the comforter.
"Sandy?" Kirsten finally asked after a long silence. "What's gonna happen next?" Sandy didn't know how to answer. All his life he knew all the answers, but finally, he didn't have one. He had run out of them.
"I don't know." Sandy answered truthfully, not knowing any other answer to the question. Kirsten wasn't quiet satisfied with the answer. She was hoping for Sandy to guide her, tell her what road signs to look out for. But he didn't, and she said nothing more of the not-up-to-par answer.
The conversation had run dry. Neither one fo them knew what to say. They wanted to comfort the other, tell them it would be okay, but they didn't know if it would be. They had no idea of when Seth would wake up. It was anyone's guess.
They sat there for while, staring at random objects in the room. Kirsten had given up on dewrinkling the comforter, so Sandy had nothing to watch. Both were lost in the silence, the house never seemed so quiet. Seth was always on a tangent about something. It was so empty without him.
"Hey," Sandy began. He was sick of just sitting there. "How about I go downstairs and make so soup or something?" He attempted.
"Okay." Kirsten agreed softly.
"Good." Sandy got up and began to leave. At first, Kirsten didn't want to move, but she knew she had to.
"Wait, Sandy." Kirsten stopped him. He turned around to look at her.
"Yeah?" He asked, wondering what she wanted.
"Bring some scotch." She told him, and he gave her a quizzical look. "Just in case."