Hope was failing quite fast. Day 47, nothing. More than a month passed, soon they would be at two. It was Chrismukkah, Seth's favorite holiday, and he was still in the hospital. Summer was unreachable, Marissa had tried numerous times. Lately, she had given up, Christmas was making her busy. She kept trying to go over, but her parents would call and she would have to leave. Everyone mostly hung out by themselves, the holidays were pulling them apart than bringing them together. Sandy sat in the living room, staring at the tree in silence. Kirsten was upstairs in their room, supposedly sleeping, but really she wasn't. Sleep was very limited now, no one did it a lot. Ryan laid on his bed in the pool house, and at Caleb's house, Marissa sipped her beer, Kaitlin was watching her sister slowly kill herself through the opening of the door. Caleb worked on bills and Julie was, well, being Julie. At Jimmy's place, he sat in the kitchen while Hailey stared at the not-turned-on television.
"It works better turned on." Jimmy said, now behind her, switching the t.v. on. The Valley was on, and Judy was just shoving Hallie into a wall at an Easter dinner. "Hey." He looked down at Hailey.
"Hey. What's up?" She didn't expect him.
"Thought I'd watch some t.v. with you." Jimmy sat down next to her.
"Oh." She left a tiny bit embarrassed, but soon that disappeared.
"But I could tell you were deeply interested in something," Jimmy joked at her.
"Very funny." Hailey smirked at him, finding his joke pretty funny, actually.
"So, what's up with you? Staring at a blank t.v. isn't that good." Jimmy had been concerned about Hailey for a bit, she wasn't acting herself.
"I just didn't feel like turning on the t.v., okay?" Hailey immediately got huffy.
"Okay. I was just asking." Jimmy put his attention to the t.v., Hailey felt bad.
"Sorry," she apologized.
"For what?" Jimmy had blown it off.
"For snapping at you." Jimmy looked over.
"It's fine." Jimmy didn't care.
"Okay." Both looked at the television, watching the drama that was The Valley. Who would want to live like that? Fights all the time, drinking, injuries, fires, there was too much. Newport was mellow compared to The Valley.
In her room, Marissa knew her sister was watching her, but she was too drunk to do anything. Kaitlin cried silent tears as she watched her sister fall apart, it made Marissa sad. She knew how Kaitlin felt. Why was she drinking? It hurt so many people. She needed to stop, but she couldn't. It had a hold on her, it was her release. Ryan was no longer her release, things were weird with him. She drank more and more until she couldn't drink anymore. She dropped the bottle and it shattered, Marissa passed out on the bed.
Summer was thinking about Marissa as she had passed out, Summer hadn't left her room in so long. A bathroom was connected to her room, she didn't need to worry about that. Her dad, or maybe the maid if her dad was out, would put meals outside the door for her. She didn't eat much, she didn't like to eat. She would wait until the person had left to open the door and get the food. Summer was a mess, there was no doubt about it. Her voice had disappeared, waiting for a better day, she was weak. Marissa had stopped calling, they had given up on her. No one cared.
Summer didn't sleep in her bed, she slept in her closet. Her bed held memories of Seth, so did the comforter. Occasionally, she would wrap herself in it to find the scent of Seth, but that was long gone. So was he.
Tears fell down her face again, the millionth time of the day. Her tears were uncontrollable, they just fell whenever they felt like it. She couldn't live like this for much longer. She could hear her father downstairs, moving about the house on his cell phone, talking to a client. Summer didn't matter to him. Did she ever?
Marissa was being shook awake frantically by Kaitlin, she didn't want to bother Julie or Caleb. They would send Marissa away, Kaitlin couldn't fathom the idea. She kept shaking Marissa, who hadn't woken up yet. Finally, after five minutes of frantic trying to wake Marissa, her eyes flutter open. She groaned, not knowing where she was. Kaitlin was relieved that her sister was alive. For a tiny second, Marissa had been dead to Kaitlin. Kaitlin had been alone. But Marissa was alive, luckily. Kaitlin stared at her sister. She hadn't been helping Marissa. Marissa lied. Sisters weren't supposed to lie. They were sisters, they shared everything, right? Obviously not, since Marissa lied. Kaitlin looked at Marissa for a bit more, then ran out. Eleven year olds weren't supposed to deal with this. Kaitlin would end up more fucked up than Marissa.
Julie heard the commotion from downstairs, she was worried. She walked up the stairs to find Kaitlin's door locked. It was never locked. Marissa's always was. But her door was wide open. Julie walked in, her daughter sat on the bed.
"What's wrong with Kaitlin?" Julie asked, and Marissa just stared. She was to drunk to answer well. Everything was blurry to her, she couldn't focus.
"I..........don't know." Marissa answered, trying not to sound numb. It must've worked, since Julie held a look of disgust on her face, then leaving. Marissa fell back on her bed, she was relieved. But what had happened between her and Kaitlin? Marissa had been drinking, she only drank when she was really depressed. Which meant Marissa had been crying. She promised she wouldn't. She screwed up.
Marissa wanted to yell at herself, to scream, but she was numb, drunk. Her eyes couldn't stay open. They were closing, she had no power over it. Marissa was falling into her numb state. She stopped fighting to stay awake, she needed to sleep. Her eyes closed, and if she had it her way, they would never open again. She was sick of the pain, the state of fear surrounding her. The world knew about what happened, but she didn't care. It only mattered if you were in Newport. At least physically.
Caleb was deleting messages from Kirsten, she was calling so often. The Newport Group was dying, both would be out of a job. Kirsten needed something to do, she needed something to preoccupy her mind, this holiday was too painful. She would wake for Chrismukkah, it hurt Kirsten every time she thought about it. The tears had stopped for her now, she was just there. She felt the sadness, she just didn't want to express it. The gorgeous view of the ocean stared back at her, it didn't help. It made her think back to when Seth ran away, Kirsten had given up on pretending to be happy. She was visiting Seth slowly less and less, it was hurting too much to be around him. But everyday for Chrismukkah, they went in and let a candle, for tradition, and a wish for him to wake up.
Ryan had found the way both Sandy and Kirsten were acting saddening. They were the most optimistic people he knew, but yet, both of them were losing hope. Was Ryan the only one trying to stay happy? Okay, he was trying, but it wasn't working well. He had to admit, he wasn't super-happy, and he was resorting to their means, but it was a totally different level for him. He never liked to talk a lot, so there wasn't much of a change there, and he always seemed to be alone. So his reaction to the holidays was, yes, the same as the Cohens, but it wasn't a big step down the introvertedness stairs, Sandy and Kirsten's was a much bigger step, they had been higher on the stairs. If that made any sense.
Every so often, he would go into the main house, they were sitting in different rooms, staring blankly at random objects. Everyone was different now. Ryan now wanted to talk to someone. But there wasn't anyone. Not fully true. Someone was ringing the door.
"Hey Ryan," Hailey stood at the door. "Is Kirsten here?" She wanted to let things out.
"Sleeping." Ryan answered, dismally.
"Oh." Hailey saw Sandy. "Hi Sandy." Sandy looked over and nodded. The two began to walk to the kitchen. "Wow, this place is super cheery." She remarked sarcastically.
Yeah...So what did you want to talk to Kirsten for?" Ryan wondered, Hailey hadn't been visiting as much as she did.
"Stuff. Your brother. My dad. My nephew." Hailey hated saying Seth's name.
"So, Seth and Caleb." Ryan joked.
"Yeah. How's Theresa doing?" Ryan hadn't thought about Theresa in so long. The drama of Seth had kept her at bay in his mind. The baby would be coming soon.
"I should call her." Ryan ignored Hailey for then, and picked up the phone, and dialed Theresa's number.
"Hello?" Theresa's mother answered.
"Hey, Karen, can I talk to Theresa?" Ryan never liked Karen a whole lot.
"Sorry, Ryan , you can't?" Karen answered grimly.
"What? Why not?" Ryan was confused.
"She left. About a week ago. To Atlanta. She said she was sick of causing everyone pain." Karen told him.
"What about the baby? Does she know whose it is?" Ryan was shocked.
"She doesn't know." Karen answered.
"Are you....lying?" Ryan had known Karen to lie to him and try to get him to leave.
"If I was lying, and didn't want you ever to call again, I would've told you she was dead. I'm sorry Ryan." Karen hung up on him.
"What? How is she?" Hailey asked, noticing his distraught face.
"She's gone." He told her, putting down the phone.
"What do you mean she's gone?" Hailey was confused.
"She left. She's gone." Ryan answered.
"To where?"
"Her cousin in Atlanta." He was stunned. Theresa had left.
"Oh." Hailey didn't know what to say. She knew that Ryan had left because of Theresa, but she didn't know the details.
"I'll never know if the baby was mine." Hailey had temporarily forgotten Theresa was pregnant.
"That sucks." She tried to keep the mood good, but he wasn't really feeling it.
"That burden's off." Ryan commented.
"Maybe it'll be a good day." Hailey had come over so she could get advice. Not the other way.
"Seth is still in a coma. It won't be a good day until he wakes up." Ryan missed Seth. The house was completely empty, silent without Seth.
"He'll wake up." Those words had been said so many times, but it was never true.
"Starting to not believe that." Ryan had lost a lot of hope with Seth waking up, but he hadn't given up all hope.
"You can't lose hope. If we lose hope, we might lose him" Hailey didn't want to lose hope, like this house was. Her words helped Ryan, some hope came back into him. Everyone was depressed, no one smiled. At least Jimmy tried.
"Either way, he might not wake up." Ryan didn't want to be happy.
"Could you just fake being happy for me? I came over to be happy, not feel worse so, just fake it." Hailey joked, but yet again he didn't want to. "Sorry." Hailey knew he was going through a lot.
"It's fine." Ryan was out there, he wasn't paying attention. Everything had fallen apart, no one was happy anymore.
"I guess I'm just gonna go. Bye, Ryan." hailey began to leave. Ryan never said goodbye, he was still thinking about Theresa.
He knew he should've said goodbye, so he looked up to say it to Hailey, but she had already left. He was too late. Again.
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Day 49 came, Chrismukkah was almost over. Sandy, Kirsten, and Ryan came in again, to light another candle. This one lit extra brightly, as if to say something. Kirsten and Sandy left the room, they never stayed in a lot. Ryan stayed in more, not wanting Seth to be alone. Though he was alone at night, whenever someone visited Seth, Ryan hated having Seth alone.
Holidays were full of cheer, this one wasn't. Just like the numerous ones before last year. Last year hadn't been super happy, with all the drama of Marissa worrying Ryan. He had yet to have a worry-free Christmas, or Chrismukkah for that matter.
The highway not that far away had become entertainment to Ryan. He watched the cars speed by, they were having a good holiday. Sometimes Ryan would wish to be in one of those cars, but that would be stupid. He was stuck with the world given to him. You couldn't have everything without losing something.
While staring out, he thought of Summer. She hadn't been seen in about a month. She had lost it, fell apart in front of his and Marissa's eyes. Marissa saw more, but Ryan had always seen more. He saw his mother waste away, his brother fuck up, his dad pulled away by the police. Marissa had nothing against him.
"Hi Ryan," Kirsten came in. She hadn't talked to Ryan in do long, they hadn't had a real conversation since Thanksgiving.
"Hey," Ryan looked over, Kirsten didn't come into the room that often.
"Nothing?" She glanced at Seth for a second.
"Nope. Still hasn't moved." Ryan answered the obvious.
"Why won't he wake up? I mean, will he ever?" Kirsten fell into the chair in front of Seth.
"At some point he will. We just have to wait it out." Ryan had lost so much hope in him waking up.
"I'm sick of waiting. I want him to either wake up or...." Kirsten was really upset, the other thought had been in the back of her mind since the doctor had told them about it when Seth had first fallen into the coma.
"Or what?" Ryan hadn't heard the doctor, he had left to go to Theresa.
"There is a choice we could make, and...." Kirsten was afraid of telling Ryan.
"What choice?" He had a feeling he knew, but Sandy and Kirsten wouldn't do it. At least he thought they wouldn't.
"The doctor told us that if we thought it was best for him that we could...." Kirsten really didn't want to tell Ryan. It had only been a thought, it wasn't definite.
"Do what?" Ryan was afraid of what Kirsten was gonna say.
"We could take him off life support." Ryan knew what that meant. Seth would die. They would let Seth die. Ryan couldn't believe those words came out of Kirsten's mouth. How could she think that? Seth was her only "real" son. They had raised him. How could they wanna let him die?
"Why would you wanna do that?" Ryan was appalled.
"It was only a thought." Kirsten tried to redeem herself.
"I can't believe you even thought about doing that to Seth. He's your son. You would let him die?" Ryan was mad at Kirsten. How could that even be a possibility? Seth was Ryan's brother, a much better one than Trey. But if Trey was in a coma, and his mom wanted to take him off life support, Ryan would fight for his brother to the end. Money would've been an issue, but Ryan would make sure insurance paid for it. Money wasn't as big of an issue with the Cohens, more so now with the problems of Caleb.
"I'm sorry Ryan. I was out of my head. Please forgive me. The holidays are killing me without him, I don't know how much more I can last." Kirsten let some tears fall, she was breaking down. Ryan felt awkward around her after what she said. He could barely believe she even thought about it.
"I just didn't think you would ever say that. You, of all people. It's not right." Ryan turned away from Kirsten.
"Ryan, I'm sorry. I just hate to see him suffering." Kirsten felt bad, Ryan looked over.
"He's not suffering. He's in a coma. It's not like he has cancer and he might die. Seth won't die." Ryan had never really fought with Kirsten a whole lot, it wasn't their thing. He didn't fight with Sandy either, it was strange. They were too good of parents to deserve getting yelled at. They were understanding, kind, everything perfect parents should be. Sandy and Kirsten didn't deserve their son to be in a coma, or the other one to yell at them.
"You're right." Kirsten looked down, as if being punished. Ryan's immediate reaction was to yell some more, kick her while she was down, like he had so many times with Dawn, but he halted. Kirsten wasn't Dawn, she wasn't an alcoholic, Newport wasn't Chino.
"No, I should be sorry. I shouldn't have snapped." Ryan still hadn't gotten used to Newport. He hadn't had meany, or any real good memories of the holidays. Even when something was good, it went bad. They took his father away on Christmas. He wanted to give his boys a great holiday. Ryan was small, he didn't remember much. But he did remember his dad say to him, "Love you son," and hugging Ryan. Ryan waved goodbye sadly, then he didn't know why. It hadn't been a bad day, in fact, it had been one of the greatest days Ryan had when he was little. But sadness had settled in his heart, so he waved goodbye, being sad. It was the last clear memory Ryan had of his dad.
"I'm glad you did. I shouldn't be thinking the way I was. Gosh, we can't lose Seth. He's everything." They both looked ever to Seth, and Kirsten smiled. Looking at Seth, she thought about how the word Chrismukkah came to be. It was about ten years ago, when, in Seth's class, they had to make up a word and explain it in front of everyone. Seth had told his parents, "it's a combination of the two greatest holidays, Christmas and Hanukkah. Plus, twice the presents." That was how the Chrismukkah tradition was conceived. But, on the day Seth has to present, he got sick and never did. So it never caught on. Tears were welling up behind Kirsten's eyes.
"You said his name." Ryan noticed.
"Whose?" Kirsten didn't get what Ryan was talking about.
"Seth's. I haven't hear you say it in a while." It seemed that saying 'Seth' was a curse word. No one was comfortable with the pain that the name brought with it.
"Yeah, I guess it just came out." Kirsten covered up for no reason.
"It doesn't matter. You just seem like the only one who's actually said his name. Other than me." Ryan told her.
"Oh. Wow." Kirsten thought she was the only one who never said Seth's name. She was wrong.
"Yeah." Ryan didn't know what else to say, they were stuck.
"Um I'm just gonna go out and see how Sandy is." Kirsten made a quick escape. Ryan stayed in the room, he looked down at Seth. No movement yet, no change. But the atmosphere around him had changed. Something was different. Maybe it was the tiny fight Ryan had with Kirsten, or the candle. Now burning with the others. Ryan felt different too. As if he was expecting something.
Though never noticed, there was a television in the room. Ryan doubted it had been turned on since Seth came into the room. But Ryan didn't touch it. He'd wait until Seth woke up.
Ryan had yet to buy any gifts for people, he dint really want the holidays to happen. Last year shopping had been a catastrophe, setting the mood for the whole season. One year, all, he asked, one year where he didn't have to be sad or worried. Ryan could smile, enjoy himself, it would be the perfect holiday. One that Ryan doubted he would ever have. Nothing was perfect, especially holidays.
Ryan wondered if everything would go back to being okay. So many lives were changed, mostly for the worse. Maybe they would go on, living like they were, in depression. How much longer would everyone last until they did a "Summer?" Marissa and Kirsten were falling fast, they wouldn't last much longer. He didn't even know if they would make it through the holiday vacation. Ryan could survive in sadness for a long time, he had done it for the first sixteen years of his life. Sandy could survive for a while, but based on his current reactions, not that long.
Everyone desperately need Seth to wake up, it wasn't just for him, it was for everyone. They couldn't last without Seth for much longer.
As Ryan looked out the window, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something move. No, not just something, someone. But not just anyone.
Seth had moved.
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Seth was dead. Finally. He was sick of just like living inside himself. He saw the white light. It wasn't as bright as he thought it would be. And it was stained. Did heaven have accidents? He didn't think angels could spill coffee or have water damage....
"Seth?" Wow, God sounds so much like Ryan. Freaky. But then Ryan came into view. Oh crap, did Ryan die too? What about Summer and Marissa? Did everyone die? Was Seth the last? He hated being picked last. Even if it was for dying.