This chapter is not what you expected...Sorry, I thought it belonged here. But next chapter, I promise lots of Seth and....a little bit of Summer....I mean, them together. So, read this chapter, it pretty much gives away what's gonna happen, and you're all probably gonna hate me for writing this, but oh well. This might be a short chapter, it was pretty hard to write...
Oh, and by the way, the song is No Lies, Just Love by Bright Eyes....Gotta love them!
Yours truly, Ali
Summer wasn't doing this anymore. She heard them, they were taking her away. It wasn't fair, she had been good. Not talkative, and antisocial, but good. No, she had screwed up, like usual, she was bad. It was wrong. They were taking her far away. Summer didn't want to go. She didn't want to leave. But she had to.
She would leave everything she knew.....forever.
Summer sat in her corner, she was tired. All the time in fact. Life was shit for her, she was sick of it. Seth had been her everything, and now, her everything was gone.
She closed her eyes, she could sleep forever. But horrors played in her mind, it was going to be another sleepless night. So she decided to try again, go under the water. Summer slowly, very slowly, got up. Her body was fragile, she was small. Turning the water on hot, she let it fill the tub and looked into the mirror. It had been broken a long time ago, the image of her sunken face was multiplied.
Steam surrounded her, she turned off the water. Summer stepped into the scalding hot liquid, clothes on, it burned her. She enjoyed the feeling, she liked the pain. It took away some of the emotional pain.
It was in the march of the winter I turned seventeen. . .
Summer had tried this many times. She would inhale a tiny bit, and sink under. It was just enough air to say her goodbyes. She'd force herself down, she didn't want to come up. With her eyes closed, she would let herself drown. But she never got very far.
All she ever saw was the people she was leaving, and how badly she would hurt them. She could see Marissa crying, drinking. Marissa would follow Summer, she was the one who tried it first. But when Summer was almost done with all this pain, she would see Seth. And then she would break through the water and gasp for air. She was too weak to kill herself.
Her parents noticed her pain. Summer's mother had come over the day before. Summer hated her mother, she hadn't seen her in over a year. But they began talking outside Summer's door, all three of them. They talked loud enough for Summer to hear. She heard everything, they discussed Summer's "problem." It wasn't a problem. Summer was fine. They were the ones with problems. Marissa had problems. Ryan had problems. The Cohens had problems. Summer didn't had problems. She was right, the world was wrong.
Still, Summer hated herself, the world, everything. That's why she was ending it.
That I bought those pills
I thought I would need. . .
The wanted to put Summer away. They said it at the door so she would hear. So she would come out, so they wouldn't have to put her away. But she wasn't going to be taken away, nor was coming out for them. She would end it her way. She would have the last laugh, or the first tear.
Summer tried again, she inhaled a tiny bit. Then she sunk down under and began her goodbyes. Goodby Mommy, you were good when you were there...Goodbye Ryan, you changed everyone here for the better...Goodbye Coop, you're the greatest friend a girl could have...Goodbye Daddy, I'm sorry...and Seth....
Summer had lost it. This had been the longest she ever stayed under. But every time Seth came in, she came up. She hated him. Why did he still have so much power over her? He was gone, Summer should be gone. She loved him, but he caused her so much pain. Summer was sick of the pain.
It was late, dark, most of the world was sleeping. Both Seth and Summer were preparing for their departure tomorrow. Seth into the world, Summer out of it.
She decided she would need a backup in cause the first attempt wouldn't work. She wasn't even going to try drowning, why bother? It never worked. She stepped out of the tub and changed. She couldn't die wet. Summer put on her one and only Death Cab shirt, Seth had gotten it for her on her birthday. It was baggy, not really Summer's type. But that changed. She decided to die in it.
Making sure her father and step-mother were asleep, Summer opened the door. She hadn't left her room in so long. Everything looked the same, yet everything was different. She crawled out of her room, then slowly got up. Summer quietly headed to the stairs, she didn't want to wake the up. Not like she could. Summer was now so small, she didn't make a sound walking.
And I wrote a letter to my family. . .
Summer reached the stairs, and took a step down. She could see outside, but all it was, was darkness. That's all Summer ever saw. She took another step, and another one after that. She kept going until she was done. Maybe Summer was stronger than she thought. She managed to make it down a flight of stairs, maybe she could kill herself.
Summer headed into the kitchen, and went to the medicine cabinet, a.k.a her step-mother's stash. Summer had learned this trick from Marissa. She grabbed the whole bottle of Vicodin and then went off to the liquor cabinet. She took a bottle and began to leave. Until she saw the silverware drawer. Opening the drawer, she found it. The perfect backup.
Her heartbeat raced, she was afraid she would be caught. But she wasn't. So far. Summer took in everything, knowing it would be the last time she would see all of it. It was sad, tragic even. The girl no one thought would go, was going. The preppy bitch who she was, had turned into the destroyed soul that she was now.
Said it's not your fault
And you've been good to me. . .
She began back up the stairs. It was so long ago that Summer had gone up these stairs after the carnival and the hospital. She never did get the stitches taken out.
Summer reached her room, he sanctuary, her solitude. She stepped in, the last time she would ever. She put her items in the corner, she was almost ready.
Summer looked around her room. It barely looked like her room. Everything was throw about, a clue to Summer's anger. She broke mostly everything, even ripping some of her clothes apart. There was nothing of Seth in her room. Except for her yearbooks. No, she cut all his pictures out of them. Most of the things Seth ever gave to her she had given back to the Cohens in the two week span that he was gone. The only thing was the shirt, Summer had forgotten about it. It had been in the back of her closet, she discovered it while in her corner. Instead of ripping it to shreds, she kept it. It was her goodbye shirt.
She picked up a photo album and began to look through it. It brought her sadness, it made her think of the good time. When Seth Cohen didn't exist. That was the good life, when nothing mattered, she was free. Or maybe she wasn't. With Seth she was free. So what had been heaven and hell? Maybe both, maybe none. She knew she was living in hell now, but what had she been living in?
So please forgive what I have done
No, you can't stay mad at the setting sun. . .
Most of the photos were her with Marissa and Holly, there were inseparable. Summer fell upon the vacation photos when, two years ago, the Spanish class went to Spain. That was their year. The girls had wanted to take a different language, but Spanish was the easiest. And they needed the easiest language. They were barely passing English.
There stood Seth Cohen, lingering in the background, as usual. Summer never noticed him, but he was there. She always felt bad now, the way he was treated. No one ever talked to him, he was the water polo team's favorite punch bag. The first time she had looked through the yearbook with Seth, it had been depressing. Summer realized how horrible she had been. Summer hated the old her, and the new one.
Summer threw the book, like so many before, at the wall. The books used to make dents in the wall, when she was strong. Now that she was small and weak, they barely hit the wall. But this one did, and it even made a tiny dent. Her room was unrecognizable, it had been destroyed over the month. It showed what happened to Summer. Her destruction, her decay.
Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually
There is nothing left to do but sleep. . .
Summer yawned, she was tired, but she didn't dare sleep. It would bring the horrible memories that were in her head, there were too many. Right then, she thought of Marissa, and when she almost died. It had been the first time Summer ever thought about killing herself. She thought that if Marissa could find a way out, so could she. Marissa had only begun to have problems. Summer had them most of her life, she just never showed them. She had hid all her feelings, afraid of being hurt. She never made a huge commitment to guys, she was afraid they would leave.
Her father had once left. It was the beginning of the downward spiral that eventually led to her parents' divorce. One day, he just never came home. He just left them. Two notes, one to Summer's mother, one to Summer. It had been during school, Summer was in first grade, but she knew he was gone. She had walked into her house, yelling for him, proud of her sticker on her vocab test, when her mother appeared. Tears in her mother's eyes, Summer had known he was gone.
"He's gone," She had said matter-of-factly to her mother, and she nodded. "Take it." She shoved the paper in her mother's chest and ran away.
Summer never really did forgive him, but she still loved him. Just not as much as she said she did. She had forgotten about that incident for a while. He showered her with gifts when he came back, three months later. She learned that he was the only guy to trust. No, she hadn't listened. So she learned that the hard way.
Just lately I've been feeling
Like I don't belong. . .
It was in Summer's freshman year, when she had first tasted alcohol. Marissa was drunk too, who knew it was almost her destruction. A guy was kissing Summer, she was enjoying it. She was so drunk to notice what was happening, until it almost did. Her senses had come back, and she pushed the guy off, he hit her back. She ran, he tackled. He kept trying, she screamed, who cared who would hear as long as someone did. She was bleeding from all the hits from him until finally someone pulled him off. He never did rape her, but it had been pretty damn close. All she saw before running off into the night was a blur of dark, curly hair watching her run. That's what she usually saw.
Finally, Seth Cohen came into her life, he was the only guy she could trust. Sure, Ryan was trustworthy, but she was never close to him. But Seth protected her, saved her. He was always there to catch her when she was falling. He saw the real her. No one did, not even Marissa. Seth knew she was vulnerable inside, he kept her out of harm's way. Yeah, he screwed up a couple times, but she still loved him.
Seth was the only guy she ever felt close to, other than her dad. All the other guys didn't matter, they just took up the time Summer didn't have Seth. He was the only guy for her. Seth was only guy who hadn't ever left her.
Like the ground's not mine to walk upon. . .
But then he did. And Summer hated him for it. She knew life had sucked for him without Ryan, but she was there. She could change that. She wasn't going to go back to being bitchy, not without a reason. Then she got one.
The day after the wedding, Summer had gone over to the Cohens to cheer Seth up, he had been upset. She knocked on the door cheerfully. And then she was greeted by Kirsten. Summer asked where Seth was, but she never got an answer. Tears in Kirsten's eyes, for some reason, Summer knew Seth was gone.
"He's gone." She told Kirsten, already feeling the tears welling up behind her eyes. Kirsten had nodded, and Summer looked away, white hot anger growing in her. "Take it." Summer forced the picnic she had prepared for Seth into Kirsten's chest and she ran away, crying over the only person she had ever loved.
It was her father all over again. Seth left two notes, one to his parents, one to Summer. Just this time, Summer didn't forgive Seth. She had her reason to become bitchy again, her heart was broken, ice was the only thing to heal it. She dated all sorts of guys, trying to fill the void in her heart, but none of them mattered. Only Seth mattered, but he left her. The people Summer cared most for always left her.
And when, finally, she could forgive him, and she cared about him again, Seth left her a second time. But this time, he left involuntarily, it was sign. As much as they wanted, Seth and Summer were doomed. They weren't meant to be. Summer wasn't meant to be.
And I sat watching a flower
As it was withering. . .
The forgiveness bouquet Seth had given to her the first day of school, sat on her dresser. They were dead. Summer had taken care of it for so long, then she just stopped. Why bother? Everything dies eventually, it would go sooner than later. So would Summer.
She cried again, she was sick of doing so. The thought of her death was fascinating, she was excited, yet scared. What if it didn't work? What if Summer was still too weak?
Would they miss Summer if she was gone? No, they wouldn't. They hadn't missed her for the last month. Summer was invisible, no one would care if she was gone. That's why she was going.
She continued to stare at the dead flowers. They were dark red, and black. The red was the color of blood, like it was pouring down the skin from a cut. The black was like a soul, dead and no more. Not living. It was like after a month of being cooped up inside a room. Summer was the flowers, black and red. Summer was dead inside, she had died a long time ago. The minute Marissa told Summer that Seth was in a coma. No, before that. When Summer was at the door, waiting for Seth to come out, but Kirsten had. Right when Summer knew that Seth had left her. That's when she started dying.
I was embarrassed by it's honesty. . .
Really, Summer was only truly alive when she was with Seth. She had been meaningless before that. She had been materialistic, bitchy, snobby, Seth changed that. He saw the real her, and brought it out. She suddenly didn't care about what guys thought about her, only Seth mattered. But the minute he left, all that disappeared. She hated Seth, and became materialistic again. It was her way.
The wind blew Summer's hair, the window was still broken. The air had been silent, it didn't move. But right after the tiny wind, a huge gust flew through the room. It whipped her hair around her face so she couldn't see, the open papers fluttered around. The wind wanted to tell her something, but she didn't listen. The drapes in front of her window now had life, they danced about the room.
Summer got up and stared out into the darkness, the drapes wrapped around her. A lone tree could be seen. It seemed like a storm was going to blow through, when didn't it rain nowadays? Without Seth, it rained more than usual. Without Seth, happiness was limited.. But what Summer didn't know was that Seth was trying to sleep, he had been awake. But no one called Summer, she was already dead to them. Everyone ignored her, no one liked to speak her name. She was a curse, plain and simple.
It's cold out here
And it'll be quite a shock. . .
The gust ceased, Summer stood there stupidly. She didn't want to move, she was so tired. She wanted to collapse, but she wouldn't. Summer didn't want to close her eyes.
Her eyes drifted from the tree to her hands. They were all sliced up, stitches remained in the,. Summer would always have the scars. The only other scar she had was a barely visible like down her arm. Four years ago, Marissa and Summer were making an anniversary dinner for Marissa's parents. Kaitlin came in running, hit Marissa and the knife she was holding fell from her hand, landing down Summer's arm, she had been right next to Marissa. It had been the most physical pain Summer ever felt in her life. Blood had been everywhere, the dinner was ruined and Summer had to go the hospital. Just this time she went back to get the stitches taken out.
Summer traced the long, faint line with her scarred finger. It had happened during such an innocent time, when life was good. Sure, it hadn't been good at that exact moment, but Marissa, Summer and Holly were leading the life everyone wanted. People wanted to be them. Summer never thought about anyone else, she was the second queen of Harbor High. Marissa was first, she was always first. First to kiss someone, first to try to kill herself, first to a boyfriend. The usual.
To breathe this air
To discover loss
So I'd like to make some changes. . .
Summer was different from Marissa, she was stronger. She could kill herself, yes, she could do it. The world was cruel, it liked to take everything away from Summer until she was alone and had nothing.
If Summer didn't exist, what might everyone's lives be like? They would all be in a better state, Summer was a burden. She was a selfish, egotistical, snobby, materialistic bitch who deserved to die. She had to die, it would make everyone's lives so much better.
Summer sighed, not many more hours left. Her life was going to end, no going back then. Once you were dead, everything was over. What was it like to be dead? Was there a life after death? Did you sit up top watching down at people? Or did you go to hell? Were there fiery casoms of doom lurking underneath them? In a few hours, her family would be preparing to put Summer not away, but six feet under.
Maybe she should write goodbye letters. Would anyone care to read them? She would write one for her parents, Ryan, Marissa, and Seth...if he ever woke up.
What if no one ever found Summer? She would lie there and rot forever. The thought sickened Summer. She wanted a quick death, a quick burial, then they could all forget about her.
I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face. . .
Summer and Seth were each other's destruction. She destroyed him, he destroyed her. And Summer was ending it. So when Seth woke up, he wouldn't have to care about Summer, he could go on with his life. Hopefully.
She prayed he wouldn't think it was his fault. Even if it might be, Summer didn't want him to feel responsible. She did this to herself, he wasn't fully the cause. She fucked herself up, it was her fault, she didn't deserve to live.
Summer was afraid, yet exhilarated. She was gonna do it, actually do it. The time was inching closer, then end of her life was almost there. Nothing, no one could stop her. Her dad wouldn't know, Marissa and Ryan didn't care, and Seth was still in a coma. And Seth might be the only one who could stop her. But he couldn't. Maybe he would never wake up. He was safer if he slept. You're innocent when you're sleeping. If you open your eyes, your innocence is lost and you can feel pain again. Summer wanted to close her own eyes. Forever.
She couldn't get doubt, though she was. What if it didn't work? No, it had to. Summer couldn't live like this anymore. She cried all the time and everything had fallen to pieces in front of her. Summer needed a savior. Or a killer.
Not this fucking wreck
That's taken its' place. . .
She knew no one would come to help her, when had they? She always helped people, her dad, Marissa, hell, even Seth. Out of the four of them, her, Ryan, Marissa, and Seth, she was the only one who didn't have a major problem. Well, that's what they thought. Summer was the worst, having problems since she was fucking three.
Summer didn't want to be sent to a mental hospital. Summer didn't belong there. It was just the incentive to make herself do it she had thought long and hard about it, waiting another day every time, in hopes Seth would wake up. But he never did and it was the end. She would wait a few more hours, get her goodbyes in order, prepare. Hell, she wasn't going to write long goodbyes. It would just make her want to stay as she would write them, and she couldn't. Not anymore.
Summer had known her life was nearing the end for a long time, she never expected it to come so soon. But she hadn't expected Seth to fall in a coma, or her life to fall to pieces.
She thought about good times, with Marissa, Ryan, and Seth. The times when nothing was bad. Or at least nothing bad was happening to Summer. Marissa used to have all the problems, but not anymore. Summer was gonna go through with it. She would accomplish what Marissa didn't. And for her goodbye to the world, she wrote two simple words: I'm sorry.
So please forgive what I have done
No, you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually
There is nothing left to do but sleep. . .
She would be the Chrismukkah tragedy.