IV Songs
a songfic by: Ninetails
Part 3: Can't Cry Hard Enough
I'm gonna live my life like every day's the last.
Without a simple goodbye, it all goes by so fast.
It's the last day before summer vacation. I can't wait for the school year to end. Normally, I wouldn't say that. I love school, I love learning new things and overcoming the challenges they throw at us. I love the healthy competition between the students. But most of all, I love the way it distracts me from my heartache. But still, I was relieved when the final bell chimed, signaling the school's end. Loud cheers erupted from around the classroom. My seatmate gave a loud whoop and patted me at the back, smiling. I smiled back at him. I wished I had put a little more force into that smile when he said, "Shuuichi, it's the end of school, it's vacation already! Why the sad face? Did someone die? Come on, think of all the fun. The beach, the waves, the babes in bikinis. Hey, you might even find a girl to snuggle with, " he finished, giving a wolf-whistle. I coerced a weak laugh out of me, thinking this the reason why I want school to end. For the whole month after Hiei said he and Mukuro are bonding, my classmates commented on how pale and sick I look. Genkai-baasan and the gang never left me alone in my misery, always being beside me to support me. All they did was give me pitying looks and forced smiles; yeah, like, I really needed that. 'Maybe I could sleep-out the whole summer locked-up in my room. Nah, too many memories there. Maybe I could persuade Shiori-san and 'tousan to have a family vacation. Oh, it's their anniversary and they're going to Hawaii. Hmm, it's hopeless.' But then, I was determined to live this life, my life, to the fullest. "I'm gonna live my life like there's no tomorrow. I'll have lots of fun, even if it kills me," I whispered stubbornly. My seatmate looked at me funny, then shrugged. 'Oops, I almost forgot he was here, better focus.' "Uhm, just thinking of the fun I'll have this vacation, that's all," I said with a laugh, or what sounded like one. As I walked out of the gates of Meiou High, girls surrounded me and started asking me where I intended to go for vacation and if I could bring them. As past experiences taught me, all I did was acknowledge their presence and nod here and there; because whatever I do, they won't stop bugging me.
I walked through the park one warm Sunday afternoon, looking at the scenes around me. Couples loitered around, holding hands. I even spotted a man walking with... a man! 'So that's accepted in the ningen world now. Maybe I should tell 'kaasan and 'tousan... there's nothing to tell anyway so I won't bother them,' I thought morbidly. I bought a Hot-fudge sundae and started licking it. I became conscious of girls looking at me. 'Is something wrong with me? Is my hair straight? Is my shirt unbuttoned? Is my zipper down?' I thought anxiously, looking down at my favorite pair of white jeans and my T-shirt that brought-out the emeralds of my eyes. Then I noticed the girls giggling and I sighed exasperatedly. 'Girls,' I thought wryly, 'You never get to understand them even if you live a thousand lives.' Suddenly, the girls approached me and started flirting. I smiled at them when suddenly, I saw a small figure walking right in front of us. He had long, black hair, a bit spiky but was in a ponytail. Ignoring the girls, I hurriedly caught up to the guy. "Hiei?... Oh, sorry, I thought. Never mind. Sorry for bothering you," I said apologetically. "Yeah, alright," the stranger answered with a deep voice. I gasped, it was almost like Hiei's voice! The stranger's hair looked a little like Hiei's but he had eyes so dark, it almost seemed a rich purple, and a cute smile. 'Funny how I still notice these things when I'm totally fixated with that damn fire demon.' I hurriedly got hold of myself before I broke down right in the park. I became alarmed when he thought me a girl so I hurriedly introduced myself, saying my very male name. The stranger introduced himself as Hinageshi, Toki and I shook hands with him. We got together in a little café near the park and got to know a little of one another. 'Maybe it's high time to find another... buff for my aching heart. This Toki fellow seems nice...' "No, I don't have a girlfriend, ever. Why do you ask," I told him. "Well, nothing. It's just, I don't have a girlfriend too, ever. What I mean to say is that... well, uh... that I'm not really fond of girls, you know." "Well, I'm fond of girls, I have lots of girl friends (There was a... hurt?... and confused expression in his eyes so I hurriedly cleared what I was saying), who are all taken. The only one available is an elderly lady." I was relieved that he laughed at my little joke. 'Lucky me that I hooked up with a shay. But, am I ready for a relationship?' I thought, looking at Toki's handsome face. So reminiscent of Hiei's face. 'No, I still couldn't. the memory still hurts. I'm fooling this nice guy and myself, I couldn't hurt him. I'm still in love with that cold, heartless, darned youkai.' We talked a little more and he asked me if he could escort me to my home. I complied, thinking it a courtesy.
As we walked down the street towards my house, we talked of trivial things. I learned that he was very literate, very educated and very charming. What he saw in me, I don't know. I'm just a boring, half-ningen, half-youko creature. Many say I'm beautiful, my looks are feminine so at first glance, I look like a girl. I can't help those comments, so I ignore them. I don't think much about my beauty, ever since Hiei. Much good it did to our relationship, if one could call it that. As we neared the house, he suddenly stopped and turned to me and took my hand. "Shuuichi, I'd like to know you better and I just know we will have a great relationship together. I'm even suspecting that I'm beginning to like you!" he said, an earnest expression on his face. 'Inari! I couldn't lead him on! He wouldn't expect anything from me! I have to put an end to this.' But before I could open my mouth to literally chase him away, his hands snaked around my neck and he pulled me down for a kiss. It was warm, it was nice, but there was no electricity. We broke up for air, my eyes growing as wide as they could go. "Whoa..."he only said and began to pull my head down again. I pried his fingers off my neck and stared at him, surprised and abashed. "Gomen, Shuuichi. I can't help myself. Your lips... maybe we should take it slow, ne?" he asked with a seductive grin. "Toki, you're a nice person and all but, "You didn't like it?" he asked, his voice hurt and plaintive. "No, I liked it but... you must know something about me. You see, I'm on the rebound from a failed relationship. I'm afraid that I will only use you to dampen the pain a little. I'm sorry but I couldn't do that to you... to anyone. I'm really sorry but I can't let this...relationship between us happen, I'm sorry," I finished in a hurry, not being able to meet his eyes. When I finally did look at him, his face had gone paper-white. "No, never mind. It was my entire fault. I let myself believe... but never mind. We'll be excellent friends but... if you need someone, I'm here." And with a last look at my face, he sauntered down the other way. Sighing, I went into the house.
And now that you're gone, I can't cry hard enough.
No, I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now.
Shiori-san presented me a letter. It was from Keiko who was currently in vacation with her family in one of the remote tourist-spot beaches. In the envelope was a picture. It was the shot taken at the Festival weeks ago. It was a funny shot, especially Yuusuke's and... HIS face. I laughed a little at the memory then it was followed by a sigh. That night seemed to be going perfect but then... he just HAD to say that. I jogged up to my room and found a picture frame. I put the picture in it and stood it on my study-table. I gazed at it more and my vision became blurred. 'Hiei...' I thought, fingering his face on the picture. "You're gone from my life. You're not here in my arms. We'll never be happily together... I'll never be happy. My heart, my soul, I still love you," the last word was swallowed in a sob. I stifled it by biting my lip...hard. 'Can't let 'kaasan and 'tousan worry about me when their anniversary is only days away,' I thought, going to my bathroom to wash my face. When I was inside, I looked at my reflection. My eyes were still streaming with tears so what I saw was only vague figures and colors. I washed my face, feeling childish and like a total fool. 'Much good my crying did,' I thought dryly. 'There's not much a river of tears and a mouth-full of pleading when the man you meant it for is in another world,' I reminded myself. I went down and had dinner with my family. For them, I will wear a smile. For them, and my friends, and myself, I will continue to wear a mask. There's no use in letting them see my pain, for they could never mend it. 'Maybe no one could. Perhaps the only one who could is...' I continued eating.
Gonna open my eyes, and see for the first time.
I let go of you like a child letting go of his kite
I went into the annual Kite-flying Contest held every year at a village near our home. I went with my brother, Shuuichi who was baby-sitting our 'kaasan's friend's child. He was leading the child by the hand towards the ice cream stand, anxious to quiet the little boy's wailing for his mother. There were many kinds of kite. There were ordinary kites in the shapes of fishes, diamond-shaped ones; there were butterfly-shaped kites flown by little girls. There were modern-shaped kites like airplanes and rockets held by older kids. There were even grown-ups around clutching elaborately carved kites. Some teenage girls were making calf-eyes on me, and I acknowledged them with a smile; they started giggling. I walked around to look for my brother, not finding him on the said ice cream stand. I finally spotted him and the child, Shura, in a group watching kite-flyers do their stuff. The child, Shura, looks astonishingly like Yomi's son. The same black hair and dawn-tinted eyes. 'Maybe I should visit him. It's been a long time since I last saw my friend,' I thought distractedly, trying to snake my way into the crowd to reach my companions. Suddenly, I spotted a little girl, about as high as my waist and looking like five or six, holding a cute dragonfly-shaped kite. She was trying to fly it and was almost succeeding when... the kite came hurtling down with a gust of wind. Her mouth quivered and her eyes filled with tears. I waved to Shuuichi to let him know where I was. Not wanting to see the cute little girl cry, I went over to her and gave my most charming smile; it worked pretty well with everyone, adult or child. She gave a few sniffles as she looked up at me. "Hey there," I said comically, "What's you're name, pretty girl? You've got such a nice kite. Did you made it?" "My 'tousan made it. I'm Ayame." "Why are tears in your eyes, hn? You've got such a pretty kite, the prettiest kite around, and you cry? What's the matter?" I asked her kindly, picking up her dragonfly kite and hoisting the little girl to my shoulders. "Well, I can't fly my kite. No one will be able to se how pweety it is 'n my brother there," she said, gesturing to a teenage boy, "won't help me fly it." "Nani?! Your brother must be blind not to see how beautiful your kite is. Ooh, there, there," I soothed, patting her wee hands. "I will show you how to fly your cute kite so everyone will see it, ne?" I put her down gently, her bright, childish giggles bringing a smile to my lips. "Listen carefully, Ayame. Okay, this is what you do. I will go there, far away from you holding your kite. Now you hold the string tightly, okay?" "Okay, but why will you go away? You'll leave me?" she asked shyly. "No, no. I'll go away so that the wind may catch your kite and bring it up, up into the sky. Okay, you stay right here." And with those words, I trotted away, holding the child's kite. When a strong gust of wind blew, I started running, the kite high up on my arms. When I felt that the time was right, I let go of the kite, watching it soar up into the heavens. I heard Ayame's blissful laughter as she held the sting to the kite, bringing it left, then right. I ran right back to her and guided her with the string, holding her small hands. For some minutes, the dragonfly kite glided through the air. In that time, onlookers gathered around us, exclaiming at our kite-flying expertise and how beautiful the kite is. Suddenly, some kid came running towards us, not looking where he was going. He bumped into Ayame and she let go of the kite's string accidentally. She tried vainly to catch it but the wind whipped it away from her grasp. I also tried to help her, running after the kite. But I was too late.
There it goes up in the sky; there it goes beyond the clouds. No reason why.
We watched her kite fly up into the sky, became a little speck in the blue, then vanished. That was when my little girl howled. I tried to comfort her and shush her cries as best as I could. Murmurs of sympathy came from the onlookers then they left us alone. Shuuichi and Shura came to us and Shura presented his kite to Ayame. "Here, please don't cry. We can make a new kite," the boy said with a shy smile for Ayame. The girl sniffled a little bit more then reached for the kite. It was a butterfly kite, rainbow-colored and very pretty. She even smiled a little. Shura held out his hand to Ayame and she took it. Shuuichi and I smiled to each other. 'Puppy love,' I sighed. We started walking again, the children at our front. We went around the wide field, watching people fly their kites. Some girls exclaimed at how beautiful the kite Ayame was holding and she beamed proudly. Then the girls shifted their attention to me; I backed away helplessly as they encircled me, pleading with Shuuichi to help me. He grinned amusedly, then broke into the circle and hauled me out, muttering apologies and reasons to the girls about how we were in a hurry. "It's so hard being you're brother, Shuu," he told me with an impish grin. "It's a wonder how I put up with it. You owe me a favor." "Hey, I helped you with all of your homework, isn't that payment enough?" he grinned again, "Nope. But it's an honor being sibs with a good, king, unselfish, good-looking, smart..." "Okay, okay," I said, clamping a hand to his mouth. "I get the idea," I said with a small smile. We wandered around aimlessly for a few more minutes then stopped at a windy par of the field. We flew the kite, Shura helping Ayame, her dragonfly kite nearly forgotten. Then it was time for the kids to go home. I escorted Ayame back to her parents then helped Shuu find Shura's parents. After some more ice cream, my brother and I went home.
I can't cry hard enough, no, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now.
I immediately went up to my room, stripping my clothes and wearing a bathrobe. I was so tired, I felt ready to snooze. Then I suddenly thought of Ayame's kite. When she let go of it accidentally, her heart broke, losing the beautiful kite was a real pain. It was like that with Hiei and I. When I let go of Hiei, it was involuntarily. The wind swept him away from my grasp. I clutched desperately at him, but all I touched was the air. I was helpless, not able to do anything to get him back. All I could do is watch as the wind, Mukuro, whisks him away out of my reach... out of my life – forever.
I got into the bathroom. Funny, all the places I spend most of my time in are my bathroom, my room and the park. These places, especially my room, seemed almost stifling to me. Memories lurked everywhere. Especially those that nudged my heart. I sighed; 'Maybe it's time to get that vacation. Maybe I could persuade 'tousan to take us to the Hot Springs after they come back from Hawaii,' it was a nice thought. Peeling off the robe, I dipped into the warm bath, closing my eyes and relaxing. I dropped my special bath oil into the water, making it smell like roses. I lathered a sponge with my favorite herbal soap and ran it all over my body. I lathered my best-liked shampoo into my fiery hair. 'Fire,' I thought, 'Better not think of that for now,' I finished with a little sighI almost felt contented. After about an hour in the bathroom, I went out and got dressed into my pj's. All I felt like doing is sleep for the rest of my human life. Hiei. I had no choice. I had to let you go. There was nothing I could do. I've lost my heart, my love, my soul, when I lost him. I couldn't take him back now. I don't want to break a sacred bonding. I felt helpless as a newborn when tears came.
Gonna look back in vain, I see you standing there
When all that remains is just an empty chair
A few days passed after the Kite Festival. My family took a vacation in one of the Hot Springs Resort near Mt. Fujisawa. We spent a glorious week there, lounging around in the hot springs, taking sauna baths, enjoying the peaceful scenarios around. I felt relaxed and refreshed after that vacation. I felt more alive and rejuvenated than the past month. My good mood lasted for a few weeks. Until I started thinking of that bastard demon again. It started when I saw Toki. I was walking around the park with Kuwabara and Yuusuke. They were discussing new tactics of some video game and I listened with half my attention. I was looking around the park, mainly at the flowers, when I spotted him. Black hair, small, lithe form. I gave a small gasp. My companions stopped their chatter and looked at me, a little alarmed. "What is it, Kurama? What's wrong?" Yuusuke asked, putting a protective arm around my shoulder. "Yeah, tell us. Is anyone quarreling you? Come on, tell us who the bastard is. We'll beat him to a pulp!" Kuwabara said viciously. "Guys, calm down. I can take care of myself, remember? I just saw someone I ... knew, that's all," I said with a weak chuckle. They turned to the direction I was looking at and also saw the person much like Hiei. "So that's it! Why is he here? What's he doing in Ningenkai? To visit someone?" Yuusuke said with a mischievous smile. "You spotted an... acquaintance. Come on, let's go to him," he said, pushing me about the park. When we reached Toki, Kuwabara put an arm around him and said, "Hey, shrimp! Still alive? Watcha doin' here, you barrel of..." he spluttered when Toki turned with an outraged expression. "Ah, he ,he. Sorry, wrong num... I mean, I thought you were..." "Shuuichi!" Hinageshi said, looking straight at me. "Ku- I mean Shuuichi, you know this guy?" Yuusuke asked me, glancing back and forth at Toki then me. "Uh, yeah, we've met," was my short explanation. Kuwabara was looking suspiciously at him. "Kura- uh Minamino, are you sure this isn't... I mean, there are such things as purple contacts nowadays and..." "Guys, meet Hinageshi, Toki. We met also at the park weeks ago. Toki, meet my friends Urameshi, Yuusuke and Kazuma, Kuwabara," I said gesturing to them. He gave them polite nods and looked back at me. I noticed Yuusuke giving me concerned looks. 'Why? Is something wrong with my face?' I thought, giving him a little smile as if to say "I'm alright, don't mind me." I turned back to Toki and said, "It's nice to meet you again, Toki. Maybe one of these days, we could meet again for another cup of coffee or something?" I asked him politely. "Yeah, I'll keep in touch," he said in a soft voice and touched soft fingers to my cheek! My eyes widened as he came forward but then, he came back down then turned away from me. "Bye," he called then waved at me. My two friends looked funnily at me. "Is he a- what is that term you use? – shay?" Yuusuke asked. "Yes." "Did you? Did he?" Kuwabara spluttered. "We might have a chance if I'm over the fire demon but..." I stopped, I couldn't help it. my lips quivered and I bit it to stop myself from crying. "Oh, Kurama, we're so sorry," Yuusuke said sympathetically. They put their warm arms around me. I don't care what others say about them. Yuusuke and Kuwabara might seem burly to others but for me, they're the best friends one youko could ever have. In their arms, I felt the care I so long for.
And now that you're gone, I can't cry hard enough.
No, I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now.
I'm in my room, doing what I always do in my room. I'm burrowed like a rabbit in winter under my covers. As my mind played back the scenes of the day, I felt so lonely and so alone. I wish my friends were here. I wish 'kaasan was here. But they mustn't get worried and hurt because of me. My vision became bleary, thinking of crimson eyes. A low sob escaped my parted lips. But no matter how hard I cry, Hiei won't hear it. I won't let him.
Disclaimer: Nope, the song ain't mine. Toki. Cute name, hehe. Read it somewhere... I dunno. Sorry for the crap. I made our favorite bishounen a wussy individual. It wasn't intended, I swear! The term shay a' chern is from Mercedes Lackey's Magic's Spawn book. I've never read it, but I heard that this term is sorta like shounen-ai or something. Gomengomen! (")