Title: Reflection

Author: Tizzylish

Summary: Angel's thoughts in a moment post NFA. Struggling with the decisions he's made and what the cards have dealt him.

Couple: B/A mentions of A/other

Spoilers: I'm gonna go with everything because it's a bunch of semi-vague references to a bunch of events.

Distribution: , but if you would like to add his or any other of my stories to your site just ask and I'll probably say yes.

Disclaimer: I can safely tell you that I'm not Joss or any other PTB. And that I'm not making any money off of this.

Authors Note: Yes, I'm still working on Hide and go Seek! I wrote this forever ago and am posting it now for kicks.....

I lived the first three years of my return to human society by the way you saw me. The way you would look at me and see the great human spirit that inhabited my vampiric body, I never truly believed your opinion of me. My life has a occurred in stages the first years on earth as Liam, the dark years as Angelus, the wasted years as nobody, and then the returning years as Angel. So many names so many personalities but in the end it was always me. Except who knows who me is? For three years I thought you did, I thought you knew who I was when you looked at me. When I would stare deeply into your eyes and you would make me feel like I was a thing worth saving.

That ended eventually. I had to go out on my own and to find others who looked at me and made me feel like I wasn't really a thing worth saving, but more a hero. People who look at you with any modicum of fear can't make you feel safe. As much as I loved my new family they all did every once and a great while, get this look in there eyes when they looked at me when they remembered that I was the greatest mass-murder they had ever met. You never looked at me like that, even when I came at you as Angelus there was still a drop of love in your eyes.

I've gained so much in this stage of life. Things I never really deserved, love of a woman, love of a family, the joy of a child. I've also lost all those things and have had to replace them with not as shinny replacements, a new woman that I care for, but don't think I could ever really love, buried my family and now have fellow warrior companions, and the child and I finally on amicable speaking terms.

I've had everything I've aver wanted and given it up voluntarily, only to have to pay a far greater price in the end. I've wanted to kill those who loved me the most, time and time again.

Before your eyes I was a worthless unsure being just taking up space. In your eyes I was a being trying to be somebody to be counted. After your eyes I tried to continue with that mission. Now I am again a worthless being, except this time I'm an over confident sell out. Maybe I've gotten exactly what I deserve?

Now that I'm looking into your eyes again I know that I've really screwed up. The last time the powers made me seek you out. You returned me to the world before, I need you to do it again. I've fallen to me knees before you because I'm not worthy of looking into your eyes and seeing the left over bits of love that will always be there. Yes there is love there it's hidden underneath the shock and anger at my sudden presence in your life again. Our love is eternal right? I told someone that once.

I can feel you looking down at me with a hard look trying to figure out why I'm here. Can't you see I've hit rock bottom again, not in the 'I want to end my life now' kind of way, but in the 'I don't matter and only feel numb and am haunted by the things I've done' kind of way? You've healed me so may times before and all I've done is hurt you in the end over and over again. I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry you never trusted me, I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm sorry I exist.

You lift me off my feet and make me come with you into the house. I notice it's nice, I tried to find you in Rome but you weren't there anymore. I don't take the time in my head to try and figure out your move to England. I'm too busy concentrating on the feel of your hands taking off my jacket and laying me down on the soft couch.

"Angel, its OK to let it out, you need to heal yourself." You murmur to me as you run a damp cloth over my wounds. It's funny I forgot they were there.

"Buffy, I don't know what to do anymore." I whisper softly not even looking in your eyes as I say it. I'm so afraid to face your eyes. Afraid of what I'll see in them. You force my head up and make me look and you know what I see?

I see that you are going to forgive me, I see that maybe your done baking and want to try again, but most of all I see me.

I can see myself for the first time in your eyes. I see my dark hair and dark eyes and you smile at me. I don't know how you became this forgiving but I want to. I just need to feel you hold me because part of me doesn't know what to believe anymore.

"Angel, you must have done good somewhere, because I can feel your heartbeat again."

You say and lay a hand over my heart and feel it beat.