JOURNEY OF REMEMBRANCE
Part VIII
"I do not expect your forgiveness, and I do not ask for it."
Rem sat trembling next to Vash in Knives' bedroom. The sun poured in from the window behind the man that sat opposite them. Knives had made his confessions.
He had spoken of the computer virus he created and infected the SEEDS fleet artificial intelligence system with to alter the ships' course, causing the Fall. He spoke of how he had murdered Captain Joseph. He spoke of other murders he'd committed while wandering the planet. He spoke of his mistrust of humans. He spoke of the city of July. He spoke of the Gung Ho Guns.
"I am respecting my brother's wishes," he said. "I have no desire to kill you anymore. You are like cockroaches. No matter what I do, you remain. This planet is filled with your kind, surviving, replicating... constant reproduction. There is no way of getting rid of you. If our energy holds, Vash and I may wait until your species dies out on its own, or destroys itself."
Rem choked back tears. Vash rubbed her back to soothe her. "Ssh..." he said. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry that all this happened...."
"Knives?" Rem questioned. She reached out to him cautiously. "My little boy... no."
"Stay away from me!" Knives roared. Rem flinched. Vash wrapped his arms around her. "I'll take you back to your bedroom now."
Rem stayed there for three days.
She took her meals in silence when Milly brought them to her. She poured over the scraps of old news articles she kept with her, those she had carried with her in her travel-sack. She re-read the articles about the killings by "Knives" over and over again.
"Rem?" Vash said, gently knocking on her door and entering her room. "Rem, please... you taught me to move on. You taught me that there is always a blank ticket to the future. Rem... you saved everyone on this planet... Everyone that's here is alive because of you. I don't like seeing you like this."
Rem looked up from an article at him, her eyes filled with pain. "Vash..." she whispered. "Vash... I didn't live this long to find one of my sons a killer."
Vash winced and swallowed. He still had not told her of Legato. "Rem... he's... he's not a danger to anyone anymore. I made sure of that. I... I'm saving him. I'm taking care of him, just as you told me."
Rem looked down at the newspaper clipping in her hand. She spoke low, not looking up. "I cannot hate him," she said. "Despite everything, I cannot hate him. My logic tells me that I should hate him. He took so much from me and from you. He killed thousands of people... He made your life a Hell... "
"Rem..."
"I... just can't hate him. Whenever I look at him, I see that little boy I knew, a frightened little boy. Something in me wants to hate him. It would just be easier that way... but I can't." She looked up at Vash. Vash walked to the edge of her bed and sat down on the end next to her.
"I know," he said. "I feel the same way. For the longest time, I thought he had taken you away from me. Now, you're here. I spent my life in pursuit of revenge... trying to find him... protecting those you saved. I came to understand what you taught me... A great part of me hates him... but part of me can't."
He looked intently at Rem. "You wouldn't have wanted me to kill him."
"No..." she answered gently. "You did what you had to do. He's crippled, but it's for the best, really. Even he has a future. Killing him would be pointless now."
Vash smiled at her. "Come on. You've been cooped up inside for far too long. It's a nice day outside."
Knives sat on a rusty, wrought iron chair on the back porch of the house that was a rental in the names of Milly Thompson and Meryl Stryfe-Saverem. He stared out over the small garden in the backyard, at his brother, and at Rem, who were working in the garden. Vash pointed out the different flowers and vegetables he, Meryl, and Milly had carefully planted.
"Christopher Daniel Wolfwood! Get back here and let me put your diaper back on!" A frustrated Milly was chasing her son through the patch of corn and tomatoes. Knives smiled. It was always fun to watch the little spawn exasperate that big, dumb woman. Perhaps it was why he liked the child. Humans were not so bad when they were small. It was when they grew that they started causing problems. It was in earliest childhood that humans were more in touch with what made them animals. They were selfish creatures from the start, but did not pretend not to be as they did when they were older. With a young child, there was no pretense or pride.
Rem caught the naked-bottomed little Christopher. She held him and handed him, squirming and annoyed, back to Milly.
"Thank you, Miss Rem," Milly said. "You're so good with kids! I couldn't catch him!"
Rem smiled. "Oh, Vash used to do the same thing all the time when he was little."
Vash's face blanched, then reddened. "Rem!" he said.
"It's true!" Rem answered.
Knives grinned at his brother's embarrassment. Perhaps, he decided, having that woman back wasn't so bad. Most of the embarrassing stories of his and Vash's childhood she recounted were incidents with Vash.
His bones ached. He could walk and move a little, but, most of the time, he needed assistance. The bullets from Vash's Long Colt had not paralyzed him, but had severely torn many muscles and nerve connections. He could no longer regulate the energy in his body to form a flow strong enough to create an Angel Arm nor any other Plant-specific weapon. When he walked, he walked like an old man. If Vash had not left his gun in the desert, he would barely be able to lift it had he tried to use it. He would regain his vigor eventually, but it would be a very long time before he did, even for a Plant.
"I've always liked these," Rem said to Vash as she planted some Mexican golden poppies Vash had bought from a vendor in town. "They're one of the few Earth species that have done well here. They thrive on the desert hills. I suppose it's because they came from deserts on Earth originally. They're so delicate, yet they spring up in the harshest places."
Knives gazed at her. The woman was amazing, for what she was. He could feel the energy coming off her, the energy that his sister-Plant had given her. Rem was still a human, but that energy flowed through her. Knives felt it as a weak, but unmistakable sensation. Eliza must have truly seen something special in Rem to give her that gift. Even a dying Plant did not give their energy to others easily.
Rem was like he had remembered her, yet different in subtle ways. She did not seem as authoritative as she used to be. She seemed shorter, much shorter and smaller. She had the obvious physical differences – the shock of gray in the hair around her face, the small burn scars on her neck and cheek, the web of scars on her arm, her false leg, which jerked slightly in an odd way when she walked. Her manner, too, had changed. She seemed a little less... soft. She had the air of someone who had been scoured by the desert sands, polished hard. She had the aura of a survivor.
He watched her black hair stream out behind her, lifted by a breeze. What was he thinking? He actually found her... pretty. Knives was surprised by her. She did not seem to be afraid of him. She did not hate him, either. She treated him with kindness, like he had never done all the things he had done throughout the years. Was this forgiveness? Did she forgive him?
Knives had begun to feel a certain sorrow for all the killings he had done and for the pain he had caused his brother. It was only through Vash's gentle care and through speaking with their nearest Plant sisters that he had begun to realize the gravity of all his crimes. He did not bear a full realization. His was not a crushed spirit. He felt a certain sorrow, but very little of true regret.
Vash constantly spoke of what could have been had Project SEEDS been a success. He talked of how the planet could have been had the Fall not happened. He still believed that the world could have been something close to Paradise. Knives knew that a perfect place could not exist with humans, even if life was easier for them. He did not think about what might have been. Things were as they were. It made no sense to him to think of possibilities that would never happen.
"Rem.... I have something to tell you," Vash said one morning. "I...I've thought about how to say this."
Rem sat at the kitchen table. Christopher sat in his high chair, babbling and playing with dry Cheerios. Milly and Meryl sat on either side of Vash, who sat across from Rem. Milly and Meryl looked as though they knew exactly what Vash wanted to say to her, and that his news was very grave. Vash reached across the table and grasped Rem's hand.
"You know... how I've told you of my travels. You know of how I told you that I've protected people, and done my best to live according to what you taught me..."
"Yes, Vash..." Rem replied. "And you know how I've followed you. You know what I've heard about you, both the good and the bad. I watched you nearly get hung once... You've already told me about July and Augusta. You've grown up. You've learned to stand on your own ideals. It's a wonderful thing. Whatever you have to tell me, I can take it."
"Rem, listen to me," Vash insisted. "I... I killed someone." He looked down.
Rem simply stared at him.
"Legato Bluesummers," Vash said. "That little boy you told me you knew." Vash began to cry. "You taught me that no one had the right to take the life of another, but I killed him, Rem!"
"Now, now," Meryl said, reaching a hand over the table to Rem, a gentle, holding-back gesture. She turned to Vash and rubbed his back. "Vash, we've been through this," she said. "Sssh, stop this."
"He did it to save us," Milly said in a monotone – so different from her usual, high, cheery voice. "It's been so hard for Mr. Vash. He feels bad about it every day. He didn't know how to tell you about it."
Rem had learned already about a "Legato Bluesummers" being the chief among Knives' Gung-Ho Guns. Both Vash and Knives had spoken of his telekinetic powers and murderous ways. She had even learned that Legato had been given Vash's left arm as a twisted gift from Knives. Vash and the girls had spoken of his death, but not of the circumstances. They said that he had been shot by someone, but not by whom.
"Vash..." Rem said, "Please... look up. Look at me."
Vash hesitated.
"Vash, please. It's okay. I understand."
Vash looked up and looked into her eyes. "You do?" he asked.
"Yes, Vash, please... stop crying. You cannot change what happened, just like I cannot change the fact that Salem killed for me... or what happened to Sedona after I left to search for you. You're a good man, Vash. Believe it. You can only walk forward now, as can I. All any of us can do is walk forward."
Meryl smiled at Rem as she hugged her husband. "Thank you," she mouthed to Rem. "Thank you."
Rem stood in the garden, playing with the red petals of the flowers she had just picked. They were a species of flower native to the planet. They required very little water and had stems covered in long thorns. A person picking them had to be careful of the thorns, which Rem was. As she rolled a stem over in her hands, however, she pricked her right thumb, which bled in a thin stream down her hand. The color of the flowers was the same as that of her fresh blood.
She turned as she heard the sound of shuffling. Knives walked up to her on a pair of crutches. He glared at her.
"Oh, Knives..." she said. "I didn't know you were out here."
"Do you really forgive him?" Knives asked. "Vash was always the good son, a good little boy."
Rem looked at Knives quizzically.
"Do you really forgive me?" he asked. He crutched closer to her. Rem felt the heat of his breathing. He glowered at her, menacing. "Tell me that you are not afraid of me, Rem."
"What are you talking about, Knives?" she asked.
He leaned on his crutches and reached an arm out to her. He gripped her left shoulder. "I cost you your leg," he said, almost hissing. "I tried to kill you. I've murdered thousands of humans. I've lost count of how many people I've killed."
His fingers reached for the back of her neck. "I could look a human full in the face while snapping their neck. It was so... simple. Tell me you're not afraid of me."
Rem trembled and began a half step to back away. Knives leaned into her movement and kissed her on the lips. He swiftly grabbed his loose crutch and shuffled away as close to a run as he could muster. Rem stood there, clutching her flowers. A thorn pierced another of her fingers. She clenched the stems, letting that thorn dig into her flesh. She shivered and looked at the retreating Knives, not knowing what to make of what had just happened.
Knives sat in his bedroom and shook his head. He pounded his fist on his dresser. "No! No! No!" he grumbled to himself. "This is wrong!"
Everything about this was wrong. Rem was supposed to be dead. Legato was dead. Legato had been the only human that Knives had given physical affection to. Even then, it was something that he felt defiling, something he did only to serve a need. He had wanted Vash, then, all those years. He had wanted to hold Vash, to snuggle next to his brother while lying down to sleep. He had defiled himself with the filthy flesh of Legato in ways that many humans considered vile, and that nearly anyone would have considered vile had Legato actually been Vash.
He had not loved Legato, though Legato had loved him. Legato had merely fed a need for him. Vash had never reciprocated Knives' love in a physical way on the level he would have liked. Vash had taken care of him, but did not want that kind of love. Vash had chosen his mate – the short, human woman. Knives was relieved that no children would come of their union. Plant and human genetics differed from each other too greatly to produce children.
Knives was confused by feelings that were coming up in him since Rem had been living with them. His and Vash's affection for her when they were children had always been something that differed from sons' love for their mother. Certainly, they both had loved her in the way that children love a parent, but there had always been something more and stranger there as they had grown into the human equivalent of older childhood. He remembered that Vash used to talk about how he had wanted Rem to marry him. Knives had told him that it wasn't possible, because people had to be grown up to get married. Both of the twins had grown up fast.
Even when Vash had hugged Rem now, there was something in his embrace that made Meryl twitch ever so slightly. If asked, she would surely deny it, and probably wasn't even aware of it herself, but Knives noticed these things.
The convalescent Plant found Rem fascinating. He'd felt a pleasure at frightening her, just a little, but she did not run away. So easily she could have pried his hand off her and thrown him to the ground. He was still weak enough for almost anyone to overpower him, even a small, delicate woman.
For a moment, he thought he understood. Rem had, indeed, forgiven him.
Rem lived with Vash, Meryl, Milly, and Knives. She became a friend for the girls to confide in, a comfort to Vash, helped him to take care of Knives. She became something of a grandmother to Christopher.
Vash acquired a job for her at the nearby Plant. She worked under her real name, a name unremembered now on Planet Gunsmoke. She kept how she had come to know lost technology so well a secret, however. Her graying hair and crow's feet helped her to convince the townsfolk that she was the mother of "Ericks Saverem."
It was a more peaceful life than she'd had in a long time. Vash, whose face had been so sad when she had first begun living with them, seemed to be growing calmer and happier by the day, though his eyes always held a soft pain, the look of a person who had forever lost their innocence.
Milly and Meryl sent confidential reports to the Bernardelli Insurance Society, working and getting paid entirely via correspondence. Milly kept a gentle sense of grief about her, remaining mournful of Nicholas D. Wolfwood, but threw herself into raising their son, and into "taking care of Meryl and Mr. Vash," because it is "what he would want me to do."
Knives shuffled about the house and yard, grumbling about this and that. He seemed, to Rem, to grow softer by the day. Vash told her that she didn't know the half of it. He continued his strange glances at her, and strange, but non-violent behavior.
This was not the future Rem had envisioned when she had joined Project SEEDS. This was not the life she had envisioned having upon finding her sons again, but this life was nice enough. It was a strange, but quiet life.
Knives looked up to her as she was about to help him up out of his chair one afternoon.
"Rem..." he said.
She paused and looked at him. He'd grown up and had grown handsome, but he was still her little boy. "What is it, Knives?"
"Rem... I think I love you."
Rem responded with gentle laughter. "Silly boy," she said.
THE END.
S.E. Nordwall, "Shadsie" 2004.
"Trigun", its world and all its characters Copyright Yasuhiro Nightow.
"Miyuki" and the "Delta System" Copyright Robert A. Stott "ArkNorth," Used with Permission.
"Greenquail," "Salem Greer," and the Bluesummers family save Legato Copyright S.E. Nordwall, "Shadsie."
Notes to Readers on The Fanfiction Network: Yes, this is the end of the story. Whew!
I am planning on revising the entire story, chapter by chapter – to rid it of obnoxious little things I've discovered like typos and such. I plan to delete this story in its current form from eventually and to repost it with all chapters after revision. I do plan upon saving the reviews I have gotten for it and posting them as end notes on the final chapter when I make the revision version.