What have I gotten myself into? I didn't mean to say yes, I just didn't want him to get upset. I didn't want him to cry. I'm so stupid. I can't do this. I'm in love with Tim. I always have been. Ever since the day he brought me those yellow tulips we've been dating. No one knew at first, but then we got caught kissing in the hallway. No one supported us at first. They said it wouldn't work out. So what if we are complete opposites. It doesn't matter when two people are that much in love. No one pays attention to our relationship now. I guess seven years changes things. It changed everything but our love, it's stronger than ever. He sends me little postcards from different countries saying how much he loves me. We may be apart, but the love is still there. I was the one who suggested he take the job investigating criminal acts for the United Nations, I thought it would be a great experience for him. Now I'm not so sure. I know he hasn't been cheating on me, but in a way I've been cheating on him. The guy who took his place, Ryan Wolfe, he's had his eyes on me since we met. He flirts with me all the time. I agreed to go to the Police Ball with him, because I felt bad about him not having a date. I should have never done that. That one "date" turned into going to the movies. Alexx usually tagged along, mainly for my sake, but then it changed, she stopped coming. She said that he stopped calling to ask her if she wanted to go. She knew instantly he was after my heart. He even asked her about Tim and when I was going to dump him. I should have backed out when she told me. I was so naive. I just wanted him to know I was his friend; that I would always be here for him if he needed something. I slept at his house one night because he didn't want to be alone. I slept on the couch. That's the friend in me. I guess he thought it meant I liked him past friendship, but I don't. When Alexx decided she was going to Africa with Doctors Without Borders I should have stopped going to the movies with him. How could I be so stupid? Gees Calleigh! He's one of my greatest friends and I don't want to lose him, Tim's not going to believe that. What am I going to tell him? He's bound to find out. I wish Alexx was here, she would come up with some wisdom for me. Why did I tell him that? Why did I say, "Let me give you some friendly advice. If you want to pull chicks, you've got to get aggressive. You've got to drop the glasses, lose the coat, and grow some scruff. You do get a "C" for cute, though."? I should have known when he asked me what it meant and I said it was about a shy guy asking a girl out that he would go for it. I even turned to Yelina and said he was going to do it. I'm so dumb. I should have no, but it would have broken his heart. I couldn't do that. He makes me feel loved when no one else is there. I got myself into this. I told him I loved him, more than once. I do love him, as a friend of course. I made him promise to keep in mind there was another man in my life and I was going to stay a virgin. I shouldn't have let the conversation that stemmed from him asking me out over instant messenger last as long as it did. I should have come up with something to make him go away. I haven't slept or ate since he asked me. I can't. It makes me sick, and these thoughts would haunt my dreams. I had to take a shower so I could cry without Yelina seeing. She had fallen asleep on my couch and I didn't have the will to wake her. She would just ask questions. I can't believe I did this. I've told Eric and Horatio I wouldn't date them because I still love Tim, and Eric was persistent. What are they going to think when they find out? I'm sure Yelina will tell Horatio, then he will want answers, answers I don't have. God, what will Alexx think? She warned me about this. Riley, the pathologist filling in for Alexx, warned me about him. She dated him in high school and college. She said I would get myself into this mess. She's so smart, book and commonsense. She could see it coming a mile a way. She sings these lyrics all the time. Let think of what they are. I know they're relevant. What are they? Think Calleigh, think! Oh I know, "But if you gamble on a diamond when the dealin' starts, you stand to lose it all as the cards begin to fall, and the lesson learned is hard.... So if you're taking chances, know the chance you take a broken heart's a high price to pay. Foolish ways will make fools of the wise." Where she learned these I don't know, but they're true. I've gambled on my relationship with Tim; my friendship with Ryan, and I ended up with a broken heart. I don't know a way out of this, a safe way at least. Why did I do this? Why did I say yes? I have to fix this. I have to fix it without hurting anyone. I have to keep hold of Tim and still be friends with Ryan. If only I had someone who understood, someone who has been though what I've gotten myself into. No one could do what I've done. It's a Calleigh Duquesne thing. Only I could do this. I guess I'll just have to take another shower and figure it out. A shower might get the icky feeling to go away. Then again, there's a razor in the shower and I don't trust myself. I've been tempted to start cutting again and this has put me on the edge. I wouldn't be able to stop myself if I went in there. I have no food to binge on. I got rid of all of it last night after I told Ryan I loved him. I thought starving myself would get rid of all the awful things I done. Maybe it would wake me from this dream I'm in. But this isn't a dream, its reality, a reality I can't live in. It has to go away, all of it, my relationship with Tim, my friendship with Ryan, me period. I am the problem. I'm the one who has to leave. I have to go. May god and my family forgive me. There's no other way for me. I finally see that. I know the truth and it haunts me, I've taken a step to far. I'm so sorry. I love you, goodbye.