Rik hurried down the stairs, biting his nails nervously. Something was troubling him, and he wasn't sure if the others had noticed it too. Mind you, no one would notice if the house was on fire. He decided to ask, just in case, in some strange whacked out way, someone had noticed the change.

Rik was pleased to see Mike sat at the kitchen table looking as smart and as handsome as ever.

"Mike" asked Rik, checking to see no one was listening and sitting down on the chair "do you think there's something wrong with Vyvyan?"

Mike had been attempting to write out all the women he'd ever slept with, he was now beginning to struggle after 360 names, so he thought it wouldn't hurt to take a break and humour he much-less attractive-to-the-opposite-sex house mate.

"There's lots of things wrong with Vyvyan" he paused thoughtfully "in fact, I'm pretty sure there's nothing right with Vyvyan, why d'you ask?"

Rik sighed, "He's been acting strange recently"

"Don't you mean strang-ER" offered Mike, doodling on his list of chicks.

"Yes" said Rik, getting annoyed "well he's been" Rik lowered his voice to a low whisper and leant forward to Mike "normal" he sat back in his seat, and gave a involuntary shudder.

"Normal?" repeated Mike, staring at Rik over the top of his sunglasses,

Rik nodded, "weird isn't it?"

"You can say that again," said Mike, a little shocked

"Weird isn't it" said Rik grinning madly at his own joke,

"Okay Rik" said Mike tiresomely,

"No Mike" snorted Rik "don't you get it, you said-"

"RIK!" shouted Mike warningly, Rik shot him a nasty glare and turned his back on Mike.

Neil came down the stairs, humming to himself,

"Hi guys," He said casually to Mike and Rik. He had just taken a few steps into the kitchen when he suddenly stopped, "oh wow" he gasped "weird!"

"What's weird Neil?" asked Mike barely giving the hippy a glance.

"Well, when I came out of my bedroom this morning, there was somebody in the bathroom, so I like thought it was either Mike or Rik right, so I like came down stairs, but you're both down here, not in the bathroom. Heavy or what?"

Rik snarled at Neil "Neil, you complete and utter spazzy bastard, there's probably a perfectly normal explanation to your 'bathroom mystery', only you're too stupid and smelly to figure it out!"

"Oh yeah" said Neil getting angry "what is it then Rik?"

Rik smarmy smile disintegrated, "oh" he said suddenly "so you want me to tell you the answer now do you Neil, well for you information its probably a burglar!"

Rik crossed his arms and smiled intelligently,

"Rik, a burglar broke into our house...just to use the bathroom," asked Mike, grinning.

"Yes," protested Rik "he broke in early this morning, he was dirty and really needed the loo, so in he goes into out bathroom, only he's in there ages and ages, a bit like you Mike"

"Hey" said Mike, holding up a hand to Rik "the economy would collapse if I didn't look my best in the morning Rik, you wouldn't want that blame resting on your shoulders now would you?"

Rik panicked, he adored telling anyone who'd listen how he was a raunchy, dangerous anakist, who lived life on the edge, but at the first sign or trouble Rik was quick to squeal on all those around him. "No" he muttered, staring down at his shoes,

"Good" said Mike, running his fingers through his perfect hair, "now carry on!"

"Okay Mike" said Rik politely, he regained his composer before he began yelling at Neil "so the person in the bathroom is nothing more then a plain, and boring burglar" he snorted at Neil's stupid-ness before adding "why, who did you think it was?"

Neil shrugged his shoulder "I dunno," he said plainly "maybe Vyv?"

Mike let out a short but still very cool laugh "Vyv? Neil, don't you remember what happened last time we tried to make Vyvyan take a bath?"

Neil's eyes widen in fear "poor Mrs Baker" he said sadly,

"So why on earth do you think Vyvyan would voluntarily have a bath?" asked Mike, tapping his pen on the table, because this conversation was beginning to bore him. Neil shrugged his shoulders again.

Rik groaned "Can we please stop talking about baths, I'm trying to tell you something that's bloody weird, and non of you are listening!"

"What'd you say Rik?" asked Mike, looking up from his chick list,

Rik turned red with anger, and opened his mouth to realise a torrent of abuse at Mike "What's weird?" asked Neil.

"Vyvyan" said Rik,

"it took you this long to figure out Vyvyan's weird?"

"No!" yelled Rik defensively, "Vyvyan's been acting very strange recently, he hasn't called me many stupid names or tried to throw me down the stairs. Its not normal"

"Don't worry Rik" said Mike reassuringly "I'm sure Vyvyan's only doing this to lead you into a false sense of security, and then he'll try and break both your legs with the sledgehammer again."

"You think so?" asked Rik, cheering up a bit "I know so," replied Mike smiling.

"Morning" came a voice from behind them. The guys all wondered who it could possibly be.

It didn't sound like Vyv, his voice was constantly changing tone and pitch throughout a sentence, and this voice sounded calm, friendly. None of the guys knew any one that was calm or friendly.

"B-l-o-o-d-y hell!" exclaimed Rik, as he turned round to see the mysterious stranger.

It was Vyvyan; to say that he looked different would be a BIG understatement. His wild, rebellious hair had somehow been teased out of its three spikes; it was ruffled up into a bed head style that managed to look neat and casual at the same time. He was wearing a smart black trouser suit, with the jacket hanging coolly on his finger, and a black shirt with a crimson tie that was hung in a loose knot round his unbuttoned collar. His stars and spots had mysteriously vanished, and he was smiling. Not his manic smile, a very cool, sophisticated smile.

Mike suddenly felt very underdressed; he glanced down at his plain white shirt, grey slacks and waistcoat. He couldn't stand being out cooled by a former head banging punk; he needed to get into some fancy clothes, fast!

"I've just gotta go...bye" he said nervously, racing up the stairs, not bothering to come up with a decent excuse for his sudden departure.

Rik and Neil continued staring at the 'new and improved Vyvyan' in total shock. "Morning" he said again, giving them a small wave with his free hand,

"Vyvyan?" asked Rik uncertainly,

"Yep" replied Vyv, laying his jacket down on the sofa.

"I think I'd better make some sweet tea," said Neil, stunned.

He picked up the kettle and moved over to the cooker, but Vyvyan plucked it out of Neil's hands before he could set it down. Neil instinctively raised his arms above his head; through previous experience he'd learnt that when Vyv took something off you, it usually ended up being smashed over your head

"I'll make the tea Neil," said Vyvyan pleasantly, Rik gasped, and Neil sank to the floor in a faint.

When he began to come around, he could hear Vyvyan calling his name

"Neil, Neil, you alright?" He felt the lumps that lined the top of his head a groaned,

"I've had this well weird dream, Vyvyan you were smart and kind, and" He opened his eyes to see Vyvyan staring down at him very concerned, "oooh no, it weren't a dream."

Vyv helped Neil to his feet, "are you feeling alright Neil?"

Neil collapsed into a nearby chair, and stared at Vyv "No, acuatly Vyv, I'm not"

"Well you go upstairs have a lie down, and I'll sort out breakfast"

Rik leapt up from the table, and backed away "who are you and what have you done with Vyvyan?"

Vyv laughed, "I am Vyvyan"

"No you not" said Neil, scurrying over to where Rik was stood, "our Vyv would never make tea, or be nice or-"

"Dress like a fascist" interrupted Rik, with a snarl,

Vyv looked down at his freshly laundered suit, "oh this" he said giving it a tug "I just felt like a change, that's all" Vyvyan blushed slightly before walking back over to the kettle, and filling it up.

Rik surveyed the 'new' Vyvyan through narrowed eyes, when he was suddenly struck by an idea, he hurried to the table when he grabbed a cup off it.

"here" he said grudgingly, handing the cup to Vyv, he then lowered his head and braced for impact, when non came, Rik straightened up "why didn't you smash it over my head" he whined,

"because that's not a nice thing to do" replied Vyv, giving Rik a very confused look,

"not it's not, but you always used to, I want the old Vyvyan back!"

Vyvyan laid a hand on Rik's shoulder "are you feeling alright Rik?" he asked concerned. Rik brushed him away angrily

"stop calling me Rik" he hissed angrily,

"why?" asked Vyv, a little shocked "its' your name isn't it?"

"No it's not" yelled Rik, "well, yes it is, only you hardly ever call me Rik, you always call me: puff, pervert, bastard, girly, virgin, bastard, sissy, knob end, the list is endless"

"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that" says Vyvyan looking incredibly guilty, "I'm sorry for calling you names, hitting you, setting fire to you and for that time I tried selling your kidneys and liver on the black market!"

Rik's mouth dropped open for the second time that morning "that was you!?!"

Vyvyan carried on regardless, "I'm really sorry, Rik"

"you...you...alien" shouted Rik edging away from the table yet again and hiding behind Neil, "What?" laughed Vyvyan pouring the boiling water into the teapot.

"yes, you're an alien, they've captured the real Vyvyan and have taken him to the mother ship, and they've sent down an evil clone which will take us all in with its posh clothes, brilliant hair and politeness, well it won't work sunny Jim, cos I know the truth and I'll go to Thatcher!"

"Rik," said Neil, exasperated "you hate Thatcher"

"ah" said Rik, realising his mistake "well, I'll use her when I'm in trouble, and slag her off the rest of the time,"

"I think both of you need some rest" said Vyv, pulling on his jacket,

"I'll see you both to bed then I'll have to rush off"

"what for" asked Rik and Neil, "lectures" replied Vyvyan ruffling up his hair,

"what!" screamed Rik and Neil,

"but...but" stammered Rik "you never go to lectures Vyvyan, its just...not you!"

Vyv ignored Rik's comments before he strode to the door, "bye guys" he called before closing the door behind him gently.

Vyvyan closing a door gently, that just didn't happen.

Rik and Neil stood in complete shock,

"ta-da" exclaimed Mike, he was stood at the bottom of the stairs, dressed in an all white tuxedo with an ice blue shirt, "oh crap" he said when he noticed the absentness of Vyv "he's gone!"