Disclaimer: This story is a fan-fiction, therefore I do not claim any ownership
A/N: Well… Here it goes: revision #6. With each year that passes with this unfinished, I feel the need to go over it and pick it apart and recreate it into something better. This is the last time this fic will be revised, and I will make an actual attempt to finish it.
Originally Written: October 30, 2003
Revised: December 16, 2012
Underneath my Shivers
Ginny Weasley's Point of View
Chapter One
My skin is far too pale… sometimes I wonder how easily I'll be able to disappear once winter comes. If not for my freckles splattered all across my body my skin would blend completely with the snow, I'm sure of it.
My long red bangs are hiding my eyes. There is one stubborn strand poking directly in to my eye, making it hurt to blink, but I cannot find the concentration or motivation to move my hand to my hair and wipe it away. I am here, but I am nothing. The world could devour me and I'm not quite sure if I would care.
I feel as if my body should have layers of ice surrounding it, because of all of the shivers inside of me are keeping me chilled to the bone. The train is fully heated with many charms, and if I were to touch myself I would feel that my skin is warm, but the core of my soul is frozen.
I hate how this train has mirrors now instead of the tinted glass that it had last year. Because of the mirrors, I can see my reflection staring back at me. It seems like ages ago that I would catch a sneak peek in any mirror that I came across, just to make sure I looked just as I wanted to. I welcomed the familiar face peeking back at me. Now, however, I've really started to despise my appearance and I do not feel a connection to that girl staring back at me in the mirror. The familiarity is gone; it makes me wonder if I am becoming delusional because everyone else seems to recognize me just fine.
The door opens and Hermione walks in. We used to be somewhat close of friends, but since the summer…
"Oh Ginny," Hermione says sympathetically. "You're still sick, aren't you?"
"Yeah," I say, my voice being slightly raspy. I have to struggle internally to stop from clearing my throat because I know it hurts more to clear my throat than to speak with a cracked voice.
It's too raw from screaming last night.
"Come on Ginny, sit with us... it's warmer in our spot." Hermione says. It's a weak attempt to make me spend time with her. Sometimes I wonder how people can convince themselves to believe little insignificant lies such as that. Lately I have been able to see the world in a newer light, enabling me to realize that the majority of communication between people is built with lies and trickery. I know it is not meant to be sinister, and I know that many do not even realize the deceit they breathe.
I stand up and Hermione offers to link arms with me. She leads me a few doors down, and we arrive at another area, just like the one I was in before.
Harry, Ron and Luna are all sitting down, laughing about something while Neville is sitting bashfully by the window, face completely red.
"What's so funny?" Hermione asks, slightly suspicious.
"Oh, when you went looking for Ginny, Neville lost his frog again…" Harry begins, but bursts back into laughter when he looks at the blushing Neville.
"A…A…And we went to look for it," Ron sputters as he fails any attempt to cease laughing, "and… ran into Snape…" He starts laughing again and hides his face in his hands, "Oh Merlin!"
"It's not funny! Think of poor Trevor… he's traumatized! Just look at him!" Neville said, his voice high-pitched. He held his greenish-brown frog up and I looked at it, as did everyone else. It looked as simple and as oblivious to everything as always.
"…And it was bouncing about… under Snape's robes!" Harry said, then busted into fits of giggles with Ron again.
"You should have seen it! Snape was red in the face, and trying to act as composed as possible as he squirmed and tussled around… with a frog bouncing about, up there!"
"Neville is right," Hermione says with a huff, "it isn't funny. Trevor could have been hurt. I think this is a good opportunity for me to mention a project that I hope to accomplish this year, for the protection of any sort of creature. Did you know that..."
As Hermione continued, I knew that I could not concentrate enough to listen. I sit next to Hermione and look out of the window, remaining silent and hoping that no one attempts to converse with me.
After about ten minutes of everyone talking, chuckling and eating chocolate frogs and Bertie Bot Beans, Luna speaks to me.
"What's wrong with you?" Luna asks, observing me a bit too closely. I feel like getting up and leaving. I used to think her curiosity was endearing, but now I hate her constant observations.
"Sick, I guess." I say with a shrug.
Before Luna has a chance to propose a diagnosis with my sickness, Ron pipes up.
"With what?" Ron asks me with his mouth full of chocolate, "You seem to just get over something and then get it again. Maybe you should see Pomfrey when we get to Hogwarts."
"No, no, I'm fine. I think it may just be the stress of coming back to school." I say as I observe his piggish eating. I suddenly wish I could erase my existence from my dear brothers' mind. Will he be able to carelessly stuff his face, so innocently, if he ever discovers the atrocities I have faced? Or am I just too dramatic, allowing this all to crush my world so devastatingly? Perhaps he will be okay. Perhaps everyone will be okay, if the truth is ever discovered…
"Will you be okay? You look as if you're going to throw up," Neville says worriedly.
"Here," Harry says, taking his coat off and placing it on me, "you're shivering."
It's heavy. I feel like I'm suffocating. Or maybe it is because everyone is looking at me... I am sure each of them are wondering what they can do to get me back to normal.
If only they knew that nothing can fix me. No coat, no visits to the infirmary, no flick of a wand.
"Stop fussing." I say. "I'm fine."
I lean my head against the side of the wall, and soon drift to a sleep that I wish was dreamless.
"Gin, wake up," Ron says, shaking me, "the train has stopped."
He's the only one in the compartment. I glance outside where everyone's is. For a moment I am worried that perhaps my nightmares seeped through my skin and scared all of the others away. It takes me a moment to realize that they left because it is actually time to get off of the train. My heart flutters with an unmistakable gleam of hope; we are at Hogwarts!
I pull myself up and follow my brother. It hurts to walk, but I try my best to ignore the pain and most importantly I try my best to hide the pain from my brother.
The next day goes by so smooth, I almost would have enjoyed it if I could allow myself to shed the feeling of absolute dread that maybe, just maybe this won't work. Maybe Hogwarts is not as safe as I would hope... maybe I am not safe.
Right now I am in Potions class and for the moment Snape is out of the room, for which I'm thankful. When he's around I can't help but tense. I know he has the mark, and it unnerves me now more so than ever before.
I've been here two weeks now. I love Hogwarts. It's so safe. Yes, safe! A word that I thought had lost its meaning.
However safe I feel, I can't control my new jitteriness, nor can I explain my inability to have tolerance to those who I used to be so supportive of. For example in potions, when Colin spilt a bottle of dead frozen spiders, I couldn't help but snap when he looked at me so expectantly to help.
"Well?" I snap, taking a step back. "It's not my fault you're such a bloody idiot."
His face goes pink.
"Sorry… I'll just… okay sorry…" He stutters, no longer attempting to make eye contact with me.
When did I become such a cold hag? I kneel down and help him.
"I'm sorry, Colin... I... I haven't been myself lately." I whisper as Snape walks in. I pick the last one up and put it in the bottle.
"Er… um, it's alright… Ginny... are you okay though?" He whispers back, his eyes shifting back to Snape.
I do nothing but simply nod, terrified that even if I do say yes, my voice will betray me.