Originally Written: Sunday, November 23, 2003

Revised: Thursday, October 24, 2013

Underneath my Shivers

Ginny Weasley's Point of View

Chapter Three

I flip the page, not bothering to look up at my dull surroundings.

Hermione is reading a big book with interest right across from me and she is taking notes. Ron wandered off somewhere a while ago, but I hope he's in the library still. It just makes me feel more comfortable when he's around and I don't know why. I never felt this way, but now...it's like I need him around me. Nothing truly bad has ever happened when he is around me.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and I shiver, but stay still. My eyes go up and look to Hermione. She is reading without bothering to look up. She would look up if it were whom I fear, I am sure… If I screamed, would Harry save me? Or would it not matter to He-Who—

"Er… Gin?" Ron says while he squeezes my shoulder gently.

I look up at him, glad it is my brother and not... someone else. I smile with a bit of a wince. After all, how could I mistake his gentle warm hand for the cold cruel hand that I am used to?

"Yes?"

"Er," He looks uncomfortable; he is hesitating whether or not he should say what is on his mind. He gets embarrassed to talk about anything to me ever since he began to attend Hogwarts. I believe it is because it was the first time he really seen that girls were totally different than boys.

"I don't bite," I tease to try to put him at ease. I pull the chair beside me out for him.

He sits down hesitantly.

"Well… I just wanted to ask… to talk about… um… it seems lately… er… that you have been… ah, testy?" He says the word carefully, as if it is a question to a quiz that he is sure that he's failing. The way he is looking at me makes me feel like he believes I'm a rabid dog that may snap any second at the wrong word.

Hermione clears her throat loudly, staring down at her book with unmoving eyes. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who thinks Ron shouldn't talk anymore.

"Colin spoke with me… and Harry, too," Ron says. "It was what Harry said that really disturbed me…"

I look over to the direction where Harry is browsing.

I never snapped on him, did I?

I frown in confusion.

"I… I don't understand? At least, not about Harry," I say. "What did he say?"

"Ron," Hermione says, taking her eyes from her book for once. "Go find a potion book of wolf-bane… it's near the restricted section." Ron looks at her, in that quizzical manner he uses often, "I need it." She says through her teeth in a forced polite tone. He stands and goes to do what she asked him to.

Hermione looks to me and purses her lips together tightly. I feel an overwhelming weight in my chest; anxiety is building up with all of the possible things that she may bring up.

"Harry overheard you talking to yourself last night,"

My eyes opened a bit wider. I know what she's talking about now…

He had just left, and I was sitting on the floor, crying, and wondering why.

My tears were no more, and my throat throbbed. I had puked blood up four or so times, just little splats, and it was beginning to get me dizzy.

I'm not sure whether or not I was hyperventilating, but I remember that I couldn't breathe properly.

I was getting angry at everything; my weakness, at my thinness, at my blood, at my tears, at my whole life as of lately. I was angry at evil, angry at good. Angry at anything that came to mind. I never thought like this before, I never dared of it! But after thinking why so many times there seemed no other thoughts to turn to.

Then I got thinking of my hero. Harry Potter.

I got angry with him, too. After all, wasn't he supposed to save me? Or was once too much?

I began muttering to myself aloud, spitting out all the hate in me. It seemed it was his entire fault. Stupid hero's, so-called friend… where was he when I needed him? Where was the great Harry Potter when I cried and sobbed and screamed in pain and humiliation?

Now looking back, I know I was wrong, I know what I was saying wasn't nice… but desperation changes me in to another person. I don't even know what it is exactly that I said aloud…

"Oh no…" I say aloud, "Oh, Hermione, I…" My eyes are filling full of tears of embarrassment and fear, "I was just so...I... I didn't mean any of it…"

Without wanting to I start to cry uncontrollably. I sink my head down in my arms on the table and soon I feel Harry's hand on my back, trying to calm me down.

All three of them are trying to get me to stop crying. But the heart-sinking, stomach-dropping feeling is overwhelming me. Oh, Merlin, what if they find out? I wouldn't be able to bare it!

The librarian comes over and tells them to take me out of the library, claiming it is no place for a crying girl. Rightfully so. I wish I could stop… but… oh, what if they ever find out? I know that I fantasize about being rescued, but I could not bear to deal with the consequences of the truth being revealed. I wouldn't be able to stand the way people would look at me. I couldn't bear to wonder what they thought of me.

I stand up and leave, trying to walk away from them and the library. I need so much for a place that I could just escape.

Ron, Hermione and Harry follow me, as much as I don't want them to.

I'm walking with my arms across myself, hugging myself, and I feel how thin I really am. I get the sinking feeling in my heart, the feeling I get every time he fixes his thirsty eyes upon me and I have the impulse to jolt for the doors to the grounds.

Once outside, I pull out my wand and point it at myself. I know my brother and his two friends have followed me, because I hear Ron yell something at me as I say a spell for privacy. The air around me ripples five feet around me and the sound of everything stops suddenly.

I learned this only a couple of weeks ago. It's a spell that gives me privacy from everything around me. I know that they can break it easily, but I hope that they do not. I just need to rest. I need to come up with a reason for my behaviour. Perhaps with a little rest, I will be able to think more clearly…

I lie down in the plush grass next to a large tree, thankful for my bulky hand-me-down robes. It has been hard for me to catch any sleep the last couple of days, and it is catching up with me right in this moment. Perhaps it was the fit of crying that gave me the sudden grogginess, but in this moment I know that I want nothing more than to close my eyes and perhaps never open them again.