Title  At the End of Chaos

Rating  PG-13 (just in case)

Spoilers  Yes…up through Ep 2 of season 11

Summary  This time it's Abby's POV…post-"One for the Road", soon to be during "Damaged"…

Author's Note  Thanks so much for the reviews so far…I'll keep writing!!

ABBY

I watch him a lot, across the ER.  I don't think he notices, and if he does, we never talk about it.  It hasn't been very long since everything happened; less than a month.  I still can't believe that while I was celebrating my graduation, Carter was suffering the worst tragedy of his life.  Here I am, having achieved something I've dreamed about forever, and Carter has been knocked on his ass by life. 

            And we haven't talked about it.  I don't think…I don't think he'd want me to try and figure him out right now.  I think he wants to deal very slowly with the weight of it all, and he knows if I get involved…I read him too well.  I used to, anyway.  I think he's afraid of the scars I might see in there, inside his heart. 

            What he doesn't know or realize is that I already see them.  Forget that I'm a doctor and I just finished a rotation in Psychology.  I know John Carter in a way I've only ever known one other person: myself.  And I see every unshed tear and every distant gaze when I know he's thinking about the son he almost had and the woman who almost gave it to him.  He tries so hard to hide it, and he almost succeeds.  But we all notice the pain he's feeling, and we try not to cause him any more by bringing it up unnecessarily.  And we all worry.  Those of us who have been here, we remember the addicted Carter, and we watch for signs.  Being stabbed was a cakewalk compared to this, so we worry that he'll be driven back down that road.

            And I worry the most, because I know where he is right now, and it's not a pretty place. 

            No, I've never lost a child.  Not like this.  Especially not after having gone through everything else that preceded that.  But I know what bottom feels like, and I know that he's lying there right now.  And I also know that when you're at bottom, sometimes making yourself feel worse is like making yourself feel better. 

            So I watch him, all the time.  And I wait.  I wait for the moment that is right for me to step in and be his friend.  Though, the problem is, I'll never just be his friend.  I'll always be Abby, his ex, the one who let him down the last time he was grieving.  I hope that he can forgive that and let me help him now.

            This time I won't walk away, Carter, even if you ask me to.  I promise.