Originally Written: Monday, January 19, 2004
Revised: Thursday, October 24, 2013
Underneath my Shivers
Ginny Weasley's Point of View
Chapter Five
As soon as I shut the door, I felt the air grow cold. He is here. Oh, Merlin, if only my gut feeling was wrong. I feel like I am an entirely different person than I was a few moments ago. Any positive or exciting feelings are so far gone that I find it impossible to believe I felt anything aside from terror.
He creeps towards me, his movements sly yet jagged. His hands claw at me, and I do nothing. I know now that resistance is futile. I do not want to have to heal any bruises, and I do not want to feel the hangover of curses to match the soreness of my body. I do not want to jinx myself, but honestly I think I am getting better at tuning it all out. The chill of his hands, the sliminess of his mouth, the hardness of his body… it is all shocking initially, but I am able to shut my mind down temporarily while it all happens. I do not close my eyes – he gets viscous when I do that. I simply stare until it's over, not allowing myself to notice the pain or discomfort.
Somehow I have grown a bit of strength while being at Hogwarts. I know during the summer, these moments would be filled with pure torture for me – I would scream, I would resist… each time I would die a little, I swear. My mind would race, making the ordeal so much more real. From an outsider perhaps they would think I was giving up myself to him too easily now; they may think that I am not stronger for this, because it was the easy way out. But it isn't easy. I live with these memories every day. It eats away at me, never giving up. But while he is here, I cannot give him the satisfaction of screaming or resisting anymore. This may be something that I can finally be in control of.
When he is finished with me, he simply leaves without saying a single word.
Once he is gone, my mind cruelly comes back to reality. Everything hurts again, and it only takes a moment before I begin to tremble, unable to stop myself from crying.
I hear someone approaching. I hope that it is just someone passing by… I'm a nervous wreck as I frantically try to scrub the floor as I try to refrain from retching. I must clean up before anyone can see… I can't let anyone see…
I can't understand why I puke blood. I don't understand and I'm starting not to care.
The sound from the hallway has stopped suddenly, and for a moment I stop cleaning and remain still, I close my eyes and mouth a prayer. Please, do not open the door. Please, whoever you are, just keep walking.
Light comes flooding into the room, and I scramble to stand up with great difficulty. As I attempt to stand I knock some items off of the wooden shelf. For a moment I begin to think that I passed out because I must be hallucinating what is in the doorway. The haze of the light makes me dizzy, and I fall to the floor, hitting my head on the stone floor with a painful thud. I feel so weak when the pain shoots through me.
Laying on my stomach amongst the bile and blood, I look up at the three figures and I whimper as I cannot stop the fluid that suddenly exits my mouth.
I try to stop crying, but I can't, and I just give up, and cry hopelessly. Why them? Why couldn't it have been anyone else?!
I don't hear laughter. No, rather the light gets turned on, and someone crouches beside me.
"Jee-zus," Pansy says in a startled whisper.
I manage to push myself up and I sit up, facing them. I know I must look terrified, not to mention absolutely horrible. Oh, how will I explain this?
Pansy stands up and backs away.
"What the hell is wrong with her?" Draco asks, panic in his voice. I cringe as I feel my raw throat; if only it were anyone but them… I'd be perfectly fine…
"I don't know… maybe someone cursed her?" Pansy says, looking at the other two with concern. She looks down at me, tilting her head slightly. "Hun, are you okay to stand? Do you—"
"Oh, no." Blaise interrupts her and rushes towards me, pushing Pansy aside from the doorway. The way he spoke was as if he had a sudden realization, but I could be imagining it. Maybe he just realized that it was blood that I vomited, maybe that is why he rushed towards me.
He crouches down to me, and I turn my head in an attempt to hide my face. Please, stop looking at me. Oh, why do you have to be so close? The only person that I have felt any exciting emotions for is in this horrible storage closet, and all I want is to die in this moment.
"Who did this?" He asks quietly as his hand gently cups my cheek.
My eyes lock on to his, and for a moment I feel as if he knows the extent of what happened. My vision becomes blurred as my eyes begin to tear up again.
"Please, I am okay." I whisper, unable to force much sound out of myself. "It was just a… curse…" Yes, that will be my story. A cruel joke! It was just a simple little curse that was cast on me.
I still feel dizzy from hitting my head and the slight bit of blood loss, but I try to stand up. I feel so weak, but I must stand, I can't let them know any more than they already do…
Blaise grabs my arm in attempt to help me up.
"You know, I think it's really just better if you three left. I'm fine." Even as I said this, my thoughts were screaming at me to embrace them and cry onto their shoulders. I knew if I spoke anymore I would shatter in to a million pieces.
"I can pick you up right now and haul you to the infirmary, most likely against your will." Blaise says in a very menacing tone. "Or we can get you out of here to somewhere where I can make sure you are alright. It's your choice, doll. But we will not just leave you like this."
I look from Blaise to Draco and Pansy… then the world goes black.
Blaise Zabini's Point of View
This afternoon as I was conversing with Draco and Pansy, out of the corner of my eye I noticed a girl staring at us. Instantly I know who she is; with hair like hers, you would have to be daft not to know she was a Weasley. It was curious, that someone of her background would dare to stare so curiously at us.
My first instinct was to put on a show for her; scare her away, as I am sure it would be far too easy. The Potter followers were always so simple minded, it took little or no effort to have them scurry away in alarm. However, something switched in my mind and all of a sudden I felt the need to question her, to study her. I cannot seem to recall a time that I have ever seen the Weasley girl before. It makes me wonder where the little thing has been hiding.
I am overcome with annoyance as I see Potter approach her. My eyes must have narrowed slightly, because Pansy suddenly giggles at me.
"You look positively annoyed, darling!" She exclaims, her mouth twitching to a half-smile. "Has the little Weasley caught your eye?"
At those words, I scoff.
"I just can't stand the sight of Potter." I say, although as I say it I realize that she is right.
"Oh come now, Blaise." Draco laughs, "You were staring at her before he even came along. I am sure you are just wondering exactly what I was when I noticed her the first time this year…"
I look to him suspiciously. It seems odd that Draco is admitting that he noticed her in the first place. She is just seems… well, so remarkably unnoticeable.
"…Are the Weasley's really so poor that they cannot feed all of their children?" He finishes with a chuckle.
Pansy snickers and brings up some other terribly unimportant matter that I feel no need to involve myself in. I decide to slip away from them, as I notice Potter has started to walk away from Weasley.
She notices that I am walking towards her, and she begins to get noticeably nervous. Why, it is almost adorable.
I fix my eyes on hers, knowing that she will be unable to resist. There is something fun about knowing when someone can't help but notice my exceptionally good looks. Long ago I disregarded any notions to be modest. Modesty is for people who do not appreciate themselves.
"You were watching us." I say simply.
"Yes." She says, nearly carelessly. Perhaps I was wrong, perhaps she would not be so easy to frighten…
"Does Potter have a plan up his sleeve, or do you just have a fascination with outsiders?" I question her.
"I guess the latter," She says as she stops walking and looks up at me. I stop walking as well. "What do you care, anyway?"
"Oh, I tend to want to know why people look at me for moments on end, especially girls like you." I say, annoyed at her. She is not letting this be as fun as I thought it would, instead she is getting under my skin and I can't help but think of what it would be like to push her against this wall and kiss her.
That thought annoys me further.
"What type of girl do you classify me as, exactly?"
As she asks this, I am painfully aware of how amazing she smells. She smells like flowers, and not in an overwhelming perfumed way either. No, she smells like a single fresh picked rose that has been in the warm sun all day. It is such a faint smell, I am surprised that I can even notice it.
"The innocent type that are frightened by us scary Slytherin's." I answer, hoping to strike a little nerve in the innocent girl.
"Well, you are correct, I suppose... But people change. Diversity should be embraced, should it not?"
I cannot refrain from getting closer to her, I rest my hand against the wall beside us, then I lean toward her so my mouth is right beside her earlobe. I take in a breath to absorb her aroma some more.
"Yes… but who is it that is changing? The scary Slytherin's, or the innocent little Weasley?" I whisper, and I slowly move my face away. I glance down at her, and I thank whatever god there is that she is in her school uniform. Otherwise, if she was showing any sort of cleavage I may have had witnesses see me maul a Weasley. Her chest is moving in a way that excites me a bit too much.
I force myself to look in to her eyes in an attempt to control my urges.
I could take her, right here, right now. I could lift this little Weasley up, press her against the wall, and just have her. I am sure she would be excited about it. She would probably be so caught in the moment that she may not even remember that Draco and Pansy would be watching.
"Weasley!"
And my fantasy has just been ruined by Snape.
With that, I leave the little Weasley and head towards my friends.
They question me about what I was trying to do, and I give vague answers. To be honest, I don't know what has come over me.
"She is adorable, considering what family she comes from." Pansy says, obviously trying to justify my impulse to go and talk to her.
"You know, last year the thought crossed my mind to have a bit of fun with her." Draco admits, and Pansy & I glance at him in shock. He raises his eyebrows at us and makes it seem as if we are being unreasonably daft, "What! Imagine how her git of a brother would react to a Slytherin drilling his little sister. Not to mention, Potter is obviously attached to the girl too. It would absolutely kill them."
"That is a horrible reason to want to have a bit of fun with a girl. Oh and people wonder why we never seriously dated." Pansy remarks in disgust.
"Well last year she had an incredibly full ass, it was delightful." Draco continues, "You know how I am a sucker for booty's," with this said, he gives Pansy a quick pinch on her behind. She immediately swats his hand away with a glare.
The three of us direct our attention to the girl of topic, silently watching her as she hurries away, obviously late for one of Snapes dull detentions.
"I know what you are thinking." Snape growls at us arrogantly, although I am quite sure that he has no idea what any of us are thinking. "None of you are to harass that girl during her detention. Is that clear?"
When Pansy opened the door I don't exactly know what we were expecting, but it was not anything close to what we discovered.
It took a moment for anything to make much sense. As soon as the door was open, the girl attempted to stand up so quickly, she lost her footing. Pansy was blocking my view slightly, so all that I could make out was that the storage closet was a disaster and the girl was laying on the floor now.
As I see her vomit, my immediate reflex is to back away but I force myself to stand still to try to assess the situation.
That is when I notice the blood. Blood was spilling from her mouth, not vomit.
The girl is a mess; her entire body is shaking, perhaps because of her desperate crying.
Pansy flicks her wand to light up the dark room.
"Jee-zus," Pansy says, crouching down.
The Weasley girl pushes herself up slightly, and her eyes are full of terror and the purest sadness I have ever witnessed.
Pansy stands up and backs away, perhaps realizing that she was crouching in a small puddle of the girls blood.
"What the hell is wrong with her?" Draco asks, looking to me as if I would have the answer.
I don't even hear what Pansy says, because I cannot help but notice the girl's clothes and it terrifies me. Her shirt is partially untucked from her skirt, which is extremely crooked and her knee-high socks are ripped, particularly her left one.
"Oh, no." I say, rushing towards her. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt as the thoughts I had earlier rush to my mind; I fantasized about having my way with this girl, and here she is moments later, obviously a victim of rape. Although earlier when I fantasized about her, of course in my mind it was consensual… However, I still feel a twinge of guilt.
I crouch down to her, and I place my hand gently on her face as she tries to shy away. I need to look in her eyes… I need to know that she is somehow okay.
"Who did this?" I say so quietly that I hope Draco & Pansy do not hear.
She looks in to my eyes, and the look she gives me makes my heart feel as if it is being constricted. The look she gives me confirms any suspicion that I have, and I realize that she needs to get out of here.
We take her to the only place I could imagine being quiet and seemingly comforting and safe: the theatre stage room. Since it was not overly close to any special occasion, there was not much of a chance of anyone being in it, and it has a calming atmosphere to it.
I carry her the entire way, although she pleads for me not to. I feel a pang of selfish disappointment because I wish she would adore me for this; I would have liked to be her hero. The thought of that fascinates me, and I cannot help but feel a bit twisted for wanting to benefit out of this situation.
I set her down carefully on a chaise lounge that is amongst other stage items & props. I retrieve my wand from my pocket and I say a quick charm that should numb some of the pain that she may have.
I look to Draco.
"I am going to stay with her. Could you get me a MediWiz kit?" I ask him.
He nods, and Pansy looks to him with a flicker of fright. Draco and Pansy are both oblivious to the nature of what happened to the girl; I can tell that Pansy is scared that whatever this girl has is contagious, and that she would rather go with Draco than stay with me.
"Pansy, maybe go with him and bring back some water, yeah?" I say. Pansy nods, and with that they rush out.
As soon as they are out of sight, I look down at her and feel at a loss of what to say.
"Thank you…" She says timidly. "I… I could have walked by myself, you know. You don't have to take care of me… I… er, I just fell victim to a pretty bad joke."
I glare down at her, a sudden sense of rage coursing throughout me.
"I don't buy that, Weasley. Not one bit of it." I growl at her. "I know what happened to you. You know, I am surprised that Draco and Pansy could not see the evidence. It's pretty apparent. You're a mess… and the state you were in when we found you… frantic, terrified…" I swallow as I realize that I am on the verge of yelling at her.
I sit next to her, facing her. I grab her face with both of my hands and force her to look at me.
"I swear, from this moment on, although we are strangers, I will be here for you." As the words come out of my mouth I can scarcely believe what I am saying, but I know that I mean every word of it.
She makes a pitiful —yet exceedingly adorable— whimper, then her body relaxes, with her head sinking in to my lap. I shift my positioning so that my back is against the back of the chaise lounge and the two of us are fit perfectly on it, with the majority of her curled up on me.
I can't quite place the feeling I have, or why I have it… Perhaps it is because I have always wanted to be some sort of hero in a damsel in distress scenario… Whatever the reasoning, I feel absolutely content being here with her now.
"Please…" She says softly, "Don't tell anyone."
I consider her words for a moment, and I wonder if she realizes that if she does not speak out about this, the same thing could happen to someone else. Or the wizard who did this could come back for her again. To have this happen once is horrible enough, so would she really be content with her decision to hide it if he does strike for a second time?
As I am contemplating what to say for my response, she slides her arms around me, hugging my waist as she is curled up on me. I find myself smiling ever so slightly… How absolutely perfect it feels, to have her gripping me.
"It should be your decision." I say, although I wish I didn't believe it. "I will tell you right now that I do not believe that you should protect this criminal. Whoever did this should be locked up or punished. He shouldn't be able to have such easy access to you—or any other girl—in this school."
She must be thankful and relieved, because after I spoke she nuzzles her head and in moments I am sure that she is fast asleep.