Originally Written: Monday, January 19, 2004

Revised: Thursday, October 24, 2013

Underneath my Shivers

Ginny Weasley's Point of View

Chapter Six

It's the day after I was found.

I cannot really remember getting back to my dorm last night; I do know that Blaise and Pansy walked me back after having a long nap on Blaise. It all seems like a blur… I need to figure out if there is a way that I can truly force myself to believe that Blaise is real. I find it difficult to trust the reality of it at… Maybe it is a trick. Maybe I am sick, and with all that I have been through I have made this all up in my mind. Maybe it's the diary all over again…

At the dining hall for breakfast, I sit down across from my brother. He is already stuffing his face.

I grab a warm biscuit and I tear it in half then top each half with fresh honey. It feels like heaven going down my throat; the softness and warmth of the biscuit and the smooth and sweet coating of honey make me forget momentarily that I haven't had much of an appetite lately.

As I take another bite, I glance over at the Slytherin Table and I meet Blaise's eyes. I wasn't expecting him to be looking at me, but it looks as if he has been waiting for me. Suddenly I wish I was sitting next to him. It's curious, but I feel stronger when I am with him. I feel almost as if I can be myself again.

"I am glad you are eating more than just vegetables and fruit. You're going to fade away, and we'll never be able to find you, and mum will blame it on me. So you have to eat and gain weight before I get a howler!" Ron says, only half seriously, and he places a strawberry pancake on my plate. I sigh and smother it with syrup before I cut a little piece off of it with my fork. I think I may be feeling normal, I really do. Sneaking little glances with Blaise is making me feel as if I have been famished from everything that life has—food, water, breathing… I feel like I have been missing it all so much, and I am finally able to have it all again.

"Ron," I say, feeling a sudden sense of guilt, "I think… I think that I made some friends."

He looks over at me as if I said the most idiotic thing he has ever heard; his head sinks slightly as he leans forward a bit and his eyebrows dart up.

"Alright?" He says, surely thinking that I am being silly for telling him.

I clear my throat a little bit. I look nervously to Harry then back to Ron.

"Er… yeah… The thing is I don't think you will like me hanging out with them. That is… I don't think you will like them. Er… well, you don't like them."

"Ginny, I told you that they are the wrong sort of people to mix with," Harry lectures.

"Who is he talking about Gin?" Ron asks, glancing around as if everyone is a suspect to an evil crime. He is wondering who he dislikes, and why he dislikes them, and it is probably more than his brain can process.

"Malfoy, Zabini and Parkenson." Harry says, his eyes unmoving from mine.

I nod.

"Malfoy is bad news, and so is anyone who hangs out with him!" Ron exclaims, his voice slightly higher than usual. "How could you be so—"

"Ron! It's her choice." Hermione says quickly, flicking his hand with a spoon to shut him up. She turns her attention to me and gives me a very motherly look, "You know Ginny, if they ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable, you come straight to us or a professor. You are a very good girl, and they are…well, they have not been the most pleasant for us, but who is to say that they will treat you the same."

"Gin, they call Hermione the M word. You would really want to be friends with them?" Ron asks seriously. I feel extremely guilty for bringing this up, and very confused. I know what Malfoy and his friends are known for; they clearly do not care if they offend others with their slanderous speech, and they are known to have very stubborn streaks and almost frightful beliefs. Am I being led astray because of their beauty? Or were they only nice to me for other reasons unknown to me?

"Maybe I was mistaken…" I wonder aloud.

"Yeah, that's pretty likely I would say!" Ron says. Hermione shoots a glare at him.

"Well as much as I would love to hear your attempt to dictate your sister's life, I am afraid I must point out that we should be visiting Hagrid right now." Hermione says as she looks at Ron, raising her eyebrows as if there should be some secret meaning behind her words that he should clue in to.

He sighs in annoyance and stands up.

"Fine." He mutters.

As the three of them walk away, I can't help but hope that they are up to the same old things: attempting to destroy Voldemort. Sadly, with my luck I bet that this would be the only year that they would slack in the saving the world department.

After breakfast I walk out in to the hallway, feeling at loss of what to do. I know that what Ron said is true; Malfoy and his friends are known for being cruel, spiteful and wicked…Maybe what I seen of them was a rarity, a lapse in character momentarily due to the shock of the scene they walked in to. Perhaps I was reading too much in to everything, and maybe I was just wishing that I had someone that I could cling to in hopes of resolving my situation.

As I am lost in thought, I find myself wandering in to an empty corridor and I suddenly stop in my tracks. What am I doing? I should not be wandering alone in dark corridors, it is asking for trouble. I take a couple of steps backwards and my back collides with a figure behind me. I stiffen and draw in a deep breath. I am too scared to look at who is standing behind me.

When I feel warm hands on each of my shoulders, I relax slightly.

"I didn't mean to frighten you," He says with a hint of mirth in his tone.

I turn my head to glance at him and my mouth twitches into a smile. I am terribly embarrassed for backing in to him, yet I am relieved that it is Blaise Zabini.

"I wanted to see how you are doing." He explains.

I turn so that we are face-to-face and I look down to the ground while I brush a strand of hair behind my ear.

"I am fine." I say quietly.

"Good." He says. He glances behind him towards the main corridor. "Well, do you have any plans today?"

I glance up shyly and shake my head. Dear god, I was always fairly timid but this is painful. I can barely look him in the eyes for more than a moment. Is it because he is so unbelievably dreamy, or is it because I am terrified that he will discover the entire truth about me?

"If you want, you can chill with me. I don't have much going on but… Well in all honesty, I hate the thought of you being alone. Actually…" He makes an amused exhalation of air, "I can't stand the thought of you not being near me."

At his words, I feel a shiver go throughout my body and I suddenly feel brave enough to look him in the eyes. As I look in his eyes I can sense his sincerity, and the world feels a little bit more warm and safe in this moment.

"I would love to spend the day with you." I say.

It's been two weeks now and I have been spending every spare moment with Blaise. Sometimes we spend time with just the two of us and other times it is with Draco and Pansy. I know that Harry and Ron do not approve, and to a lesser extent I know that Hermione does not either, but I am okay with it now. It is hard for me to believe that these three Slytherin's are any different to everyone else than they are to me, although part of me knows that it is true. Any of the negative comments that they say about others are no worse than the comments that I have heard Ron say.

I do feel slightly guilty, because I have never sensed that Blaise feels the same way about me as I feel for him. With each day that I spend with him, I feel as if I cannot bear to be without him. Classes are dreadful; my concentration is focused on counting down the time until I am with him next rather than the topics of study. I know that I must be completely unappealing to him – I mean, one of the first times he seen me I was vomiting, and he knows that I have been… taken against my will. Surely that is enough to make him view me as nothing more than a friend.

He is amazing and sweet… not to mention unbelievably gorgeous. I know that even at a normal weight, even if I wasn't awkward, shy and a complicated mess I still doubt that I would be the target of his affection. He must just view me as a sister, and that probably explains his need to be protective over me. I know that I will just have to keep quiet about my affection for him… I do not want to ruin our friendship.

I love being with the three of them, even though we don't really do anything. Sometimes we each do our own thing—like right now, for example, I am doodling in the margins of my notebook while Blaise is reading some ancient looking book, Draco is testing out little spells on a chain that is in the grass and Pansy is reading a book of poetry that she has been gushing about lately. I really should be studying, but I find that my mind goes astray and I cannot keep on topic…

Draco has finally perfected the spell that he has been practicing… the chain is slithering around like a snake, and it is moving towards Pansy without her noticing. Draco manages to get it to slip around her ankle and I look from my little drawings to see Pansy's eyes widen with the realization that something is wrapping itself around her ankle. She kicks her leg forward and lets out a terrified squeal. It takes her only a moment to realize that it was Draco being a pest, and he stands up suddenly as she scrambles to her feet. He runs away, laughing.

"Draco!" She yells, bolting after him. "I will absolutely murder you for trying to scare me like that!"

I am laughing, and Blaise puts down his book and exhales an amused breath of air. They are nearly out of sight now, but the two of us are still amused by it all. I am not even certain what she will do once she catches him, but the way Draco ran away makes me think that she will not be easy on him.

Blaise moves slightly so he is sitting right beside me in the grass and he peeks over my shoulder to look at my notebook. I quickly turn the page so he cannot see my disastrous drawings and he nudges me playfully.

"And what are you hiding, Miss Weasley?" He says playfully while trying to snatch my book. I grip on to it tightly and smile up at him.

"Nothing! I am just trying to spare your vision from seeing my horrible scribbles." I say as I clutch the notebook to my chest.

"Oh my vision has come across worse, I am sure." He says.

His hands grab my sides playfully to tickle me and I burst out giggling, and I roll over on to my back. He has access to my notebook now so he makes a grab for it, so in defense I grab his sides and he squirms off of me in attempt to prevent himself from laughing. We are side by side, laying in the grass, both of us gripping on to the notebook with both hands and laughing. His laughing fades away and I glance over to his eyes and I feel my laughter die off as I look at his intense eyes. Abruptly I realize how close our faces are and I wonder if I could kiss him right now and what he would do…

Before I manage to think of it any further, he leans towards me and his soft lips crush mine. The feeling sends a rush of ecstasy throughout my entire body. I haven't been this excited or full of life since the first time I remember flying on a broom. I kiss him back hungrily. I am ecstatic that he kissed me.

I run my hands through his beautiful hair and I nearly sigh with pleasure because it feels even more amazing than I could have imagined… all of this feels just too perfect. His left hand trails down my side and rests on my butt with a firm squeeze, encouraging my body to press against his. I wrap my right leg around him and I give out a little whimper because damn, this feels so good.

He pulls away from my mouth and I open my eyes. He looks concerned.

"Is this okay?" He whispers, and I begin to nod then decide to press my mouth against his again to confirm that it is more than okay.

I roll my body so I am on top of him, and I press my legs in to him because I feel as if I need to be closer… At the moment I do not care that we are on school grounds and that anyone could walk by and be mortified at the sight of two teenagers savagely snogging. It feels like if I break away from him I may just die. He is reviving me, enlightening me…

"I had a feeling that they snog while we aren't around!" Draco exclaims with amusement.

We break apart and I feel my face go red from embarrassment.

"Oh go on, little lovebirds." Pansy giggles with a wave of her hand, "We will leave you two alone. Draco is in need of some private punishment anyhow…"

Draco looks to her and raises his eyebrows, obviously intrigued. Pansy slips her hand into his and tugs him away.

"Well… this should be interesting…" Draco says, and with a little wave from his free hand he bids us farewell.

As the two of them walk away, Blaise and I take the time to compose ourselves once more. I tilt my body off of him and I sit up; Blaise props himself up, facing me.

"I have been dying to kiss you since we first met, you know." He says and then he flashes me the most adorable smile.

I smile as I look at the grass that I am plucking as a partial distraction.

"Me too," I admit. "I just thought… well, I didn't think that you would be interested in me at all, because, well… you know."

His smile fades and he sits up fully. Oh no, I reminded him… maybe he will realize what a mistake this is…

"That doesn't alter the affect that you have on me." He says, gently pulling my chin up with his finger. "It makes me angry that someone did that to you." His finger drifts upwards from my chin to my cheek and he caresses my skin. He leans forward and kisses me on the cheek. "It scares me, a bit, because I want to do so many things with you… to you… but I don't want you to hate me or associate me with the bloke that forced himself on you."

How can I explain that anything that Blaise could do with me does not even compare to the type of things he does. Before I noticed Blaise I did believe that sex and what he does are the same, and I thought that I would never want anything like that to be done to me ever again. I thought it was vile, and that it would remind me of the things that he does. But with all of the times that I have fantasized about Blaise in the last couple of weeks I know that I can't even associate the two acts with each other. One is a cruel punishment, and one is a blissful escape from the horrors of this world.

"You must understand," I begin, "what he does to me is unnatural. It is not the same as two people being intimate. There is no intimacy with him—it's just vile and corrupt. It is incomprehensible to compare what he does to what sex or intimacy is."

He looks at me intensely, and tilts his head and narrows his eyes.

"Did." He says, as if to correct me on something. I look at him, confused. "You mean to say did. What he did to you."

"Er… yeah. Yeah of course." I say awkwardly. I momentarily forgot that he doesn't know the full extent of things.

Blaise looks at me and I look down… I cannot let him look in to my eyes, or else he may catch on. He may figure everything out, and if he does it may endanger his life.

"I know you must think that whoever did this has a power over you," he begins, holding my hand, "but—"

"Please…" I interrupt him because I do not want him to say assume anything. It breaks my heart that he thinks this was only a one-time thing… it kills me to know the truth, and to know that once he finds out he may not stick around. Who would? "We were having such a nice day… I just don't want to think about what happened. I want us to enjoy each other's company and maybe forget that there are bad things that happen in this world."

He nods in agreement and he wraps his arms around me and pulls me down so we are laying on the grass. We lay there silently for a while, enjoying the feeling of the sun shining on us and although the feeling of being in his arms is comforting and lovely, I cannot shake the thought of the world being full of horrible things, and all of the lies that come with those things.