TITLE At the End of Chaos
RATING PG-13
SUMMARY Carter has just shown up at the ER drunk, had a situation with a patient, and is now sequestered with Luka in the lounge.
SPOILERS YES…through 11-2
AUTHOR'S NOTE Thanks for the reviews so far…y'all are so kind…and I'm sorry it's taken me a few days to update, but I've had some issues going on in my life and I just didn't feel I could do this justice. But I'm back!!
CARTER
I don't know what I was thinking. But, I guess, since I'm drunk, I wasn't really thinking. That's the point, right? I just had to make him see, I had to make him understand what he was giving up by letting her go. He had to realize that he would always regret it…but trying to express that while drunk wasn't the best choice.
So here I am, sitting on the couch in the lounge, a cup of coffee in my hands. Luka is looking at me from the table , waiting for me to speak. At first I can't because I don't even know what words to use. And then I realize that it doesn't matter, because Luka knows that. He knows how I'm feeling without my even speaking. After a few minutes the words just start to flow.
"It was like I was testing myself," I begin, raising my cup of coffee to show that I am referring to the alcohol. "I thought, 'if I can resist this'…but obviously, I couldn't." I am quiet for a moment, thinking where to start in this saga of pain that is my life. "I can't sleep anymore. I thought I'd had insomnia before, but this is worse. It's like I'm always asleep in one way, but I can't get any actual rest." I take a sip of coffee. The ironic thing about all the things I've suffered lately is that it makes the coffee we serve in here better. The bitter staleness of the java seems appropriate for the way I constantly feel now. "I miss them." A pause, while I take a long breath. "I miss her, I miss the baby. I miss all the things I thought we could have." I feel the shudder run through my body that comes just before the tears. "I'm not sure how to get any of it back." I finally look up at Luka then, and he is just watching patiently. After all the empty platitudes that have been offered to me in the last few weeks, this is exactly what I have needed. I know that others have good intentions, they really do just want to help, but they can't understand that all that means nothing. Sometimes doing nothing means more than doing something.
I have nothing more to say. Luka has listened to my deepest pain, and that's all I can ask of anyone, but there's nothing more I can say for now. We nod quietly at each other, and I stand to leave. As I pass him he stands as well, and puts his hand on my shoulder. I put my head down, trying to stem the flow of tears I know is coming again. Isn't it funny how such muted comfort can provoke such a response?
I leave the lounge, Luka following slowly behind. I look up to see Abby standing in the admit area, trying to not make it obvious that she has been waiting for us. Doesn't she know I can always see through that with her?
When she sees me she walks toward me tentatively, arms crossed in front of her. I put my hands in my pockets, awaiting whatever she wants to say to me. She holds something out to me, and I realize it's the cell phone I left behind with Skinner. I take it from her and offer her a smile in return as thanks. She looks down at the ground, shuffling one foot along the floor, and I wait for her to speak.
"Would you…like me to go to a meeting with you?" She says, looking back up at me.
"Thanks, but I don't need it. I just slipped." I smile again, this time so she knows that I am okay, because I know that she worries. She has every right to, but I really do believe that this was more a slip than a relapse. I have to say, though, the smart-ass part of me wants to respond by telling her that you're not supposed to go to meetings drunk.
"Are you still in touch with your sponsor?" Ah, this is all too familiar territory. Only, the odd thing is, this normally goes the other way around.
"Yes, Abby. I'm fine," I tell her, gently asking her to back off. "Listen, all the crap I used to give you…Talk about a hypocrite, huh?" I tell her this as a means of making amends between us, and also as a way of letting her know that there is nothing further on this issue for us to discuss.
"No sweat. We're all hypocrites," she replies, recognizing the end of our conversation and turning to leave with a smile that reassures me that she really does understand this whole thing. I don't expect hard feelings from a woman who knows me in a way that no one else ever really has. At times I have thought she knows me even better than I know myself.
As I watch Abby walk away, off to be a doctor…wow. It strikes me just then that she really has accomplished her dream. And that I hadn't realized until now how much can change in such a short time. It seems like yesterday that I was about to propose to her and she was telling me that she didn't believe people change. Can she really still believe that? She seems to have gotten her life together in a way that I don't think she even ever conceived that she would. I'm so proud of her, it almost takes my breath away. I wish I could express that to her somehow. It seems inappropriate right now, though, considering the circumstances.
While I ponder all of these things, lost in a daze, Luka walks up to me. He smiles briefly at me, and I realize it is because he notices the small smile that has made its way onto my own face. Huh. I think that's the first time I have smiled in such a natural way since it happened.
"Do you need a ride home, Carter? I'm off in ten minutes."
"Ah, no, Luka, that's all right. Thanks. I took the train." I pat him on the arm, and make my way out of the ER. I have no idea where I'll go, but I'm sure this time it won't be to a bar. I must learn to face the demons that abide in my home, and I think, right now, I feel a little more ready to do so.