TITLE At the End of Chaos
RATING PG-13 (hey, they might have sex or something eventually)
SUMMARY How is Abby feeling about the moments she and John shared on Thanksgiving?
AUTHOR'S NOTE Wow…I'm making people cry, and people are saying my fic is one of the best…I don't think I can get out my office door anymore cause my head has grown too big. Honestly, I love writing and I especially love writing the complexity of Carby, so your comments are an amazing perk!
ABBY
As I bid adieu to Maggie and Eric Sunday afternoon, I can't help thinking about how amazing the human mind is. Memory is a funny thing; you can live a lifetime of bad experiences, but--apparently--good experiences can erase all that and replace them and it's as if the bad times never happened. It appears that now, so late in life, I have grabbed hold of the good stuff, and am throwing out all those awful moments in honor of the good things coming my way.
My mother hugs me tightly before getting into the car, and I can tell she is close to crying. I roll my eyes at this, but only because I am her daughter and that is my job.
"Christmas, all right? Will you come?" she says, pulling away.
"I don't know, mom. I don't know if I can get away. I'm going to be suffering for weeks because of Thursday." Disappointment threatens to break through her smile. "But I'll try, okay? Or maybe--I'd love it if you guys came here. I might actually get a Christmas tree." I wink at her, and the smile remains on her face, thankfully.
"That sounds good. Maybe we can come back." She cocks her head to one side in a gesture that reminds me of…well, me. "Keep me up to date about you and John, okay?" She and I briefly discussed mine and Carter's conversation, but the whole thing was kind of left unfinished Thursday night between he and I. We held hands among the falling snowflakes and then we went back to the apartment, finished the dishes, and got caught up in a game of Scrabble until he could barely stay awake. After a cup of coffee and a promise to talk later, he returned to his own apartment. Because of this, I didn't want to go into too much detail with Maggie about what was said between us. For now, I'd like to not jinx anything. And, yes, that is the old me coming out to play.
"Yeah, mom, I'll let you know what happens. We are still just friends, though."
"I know, honey, I just…well, you know how I feel about him. You two were so good together, and I want you to be happy." I open my mouth to speak, and her hand touches my mouth to stop me. "I know, I know, Abby. You are happy. But everyone deserves to be with their true love." She narrows her eyes at me, a giggle dancing in her irises. "I do want grandchildren some day, you know," she teases. She pinches my nose, and I can't help but laugh.
"Oh, mom. We'll have to see, all right?" We embrace one last time, and I hug my brother who has just placed the last bag in the trunk. They get in the car, and I stand on the sidewalk waving until I see them disappear around the corner at the end of the street.
It does not go unnoticed by me that a tear travels down my cheek as I watch them depart.
I have to work the 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. shift tonight, and I was on yesterday 12 to 12, so after they leave I eat a light lunch and head to bed to nap for a few hours. I find, however, that as soon as I'm under the covers I become completely restless. My mind starts racing around Thanksgiving and the days following it. Not that anything really happened since then, but I haven't been able to think properly about that conversation with Eric and Maggie here and having to work. I have seen Carter a couple of times at the hospital, but we seemed to be short-staffed both days and we were only able to smile fondly at each other across the ER.
But I think, maybe, that the time we've both had to think it all over will help. I felt closer to Carter that day than I've felt to him—or anyone, for that matter—in a long time, but whether that means I want to attempt a relationship with him again remains to be seen. That may make me stupid for having put my hand in his, but the gesture felt so right in that moment, watching my family and the snow falling around us. I have always held back on those things, but I've learned to go with what I feel, and in that instant, that window of time, I felt like holding Carter's hand.
Although, if I'm honest with myself, that isn't all I felt like doing. When he looked at me, when we smiled into each other's eyes, I felt like kissing him. Fortunately I caught myself in time, realizing that something so bold would have to be on Carter's terms. He is the one who has suffered through a great loss, and it will have to wait until he is ready. If he is ever ready.
Oh, shit. I'm never going to be able to sleep. I throw back the covers and hop out of bed, my feet hitting the floor harder than I'd expected them to. I make my way, frustrated, to the shower, deciding that all this thinking isn't helping me and, although I don't have to be at work for 3 hours, there are always medical journals to be read. And there's nothing wrong with putting in a few extra hours; additional hands are always needed in the ER.
And, oh yeah; Carter's working right now.