Angel Dust

By: Lil' Amethyst Angel

Note: This is shounen-ai. Don't let his talking about his "angel" fool you.

First Person POV

I remember the crimson shadows staining the ground. I remember the look in that man's eyes as I killed him. I remember the low gurgling sound he made as blood- his life blood- passed his lips. That's the problem, I remember and I want to forget.

ForgetForgetForgetForgetForgetForgetForget

My arm burns. There's a gash in it. It feels like it's on fire, but that's okay. Soon the pain will be gone. She'll make it better. I wouldn't let the others look at it. No. I wouldn't let them near me. The others were concerned, but didn't press the issue. I don't need them. I have her.

HurtsHurtsHurtsHurtsHurtsHurtsHurts

I hurt and I remember, and so I go to her. She's waiting for me in my room.

The others have left behind closed doors. They're probably asleep. I'll be quiet. I won't disturb them.

As I sit here, on my bed, I feel her embrace me. I welcome it completely. So warm. She's my salvation. My angel. I need her. I need her badly, and I hate her for it. I hate her so very much. She's my savior...and my destruction.

HateHerHateHerHateHerHateHerHateHerHateHerHateHer

It's okay, though. I'll let her destroy me. I don't mind. I'm already dying. I have been since that day everything was taken from me. I'm in pain, always that blinding pain, but not when I'm with her. No more pain. She takes it away.

After almost every mission I visit her. I know she'll always be there for me, waiting in my room. I smile slightly at the thought. Knowing that gives me some reassurance. Knowing that I have a way to make the hurting stop helps me. The others wouldn't understand. I know they would condemn me for it, for using her. It isn't fair. They all have their 'thing' to make the job bearable. Job. I snort. Murdering would just look so lovely on a resume, don't you think? He caught me with her once. I don't remember much of it. I was in too much of a daze. I do remember him yelling at me. He slapped me a bit too. Fighting through the fog, I seem to recall him telling me how much she hurts me. She doesn't. My angel would never hurt me, but I knew he wouldn't believe that, wouldn't understand. So, I lied. I said it was a one time thing. I was just experimenting. He believed me. I never have understood why he was so upset. She laughs. My angel thinks it's because he's jealous.

"He was not jealous." I growl.

She shakes her head, as if to say 'silly boy'. I ignore her, but she doesn't like that. The wound in my arm is suddenly reopened (but it doesn't hurt, she would never hurt me). Red begins to flow again. Red. I like red. One would think I would hate it or at least be tired of it, considering the line of work I'm in. But I like it. It's strong and bright and violent.

BloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBlood

My angel snaps me out of my haze. She says she hears something. I tense. It could be an enemy. How did they find out where we live? Maybe Kritiker has a leak? I begin to breathe harshly, close to hyperventilating. There's a yelp from the hall and a thud, followed by a groaned "oww" and some mumbled cursing. I sigh and relax. It was just him. He must have tripped on one of his soccer balls again. Idiot. I told him not to leave them lying in the hall.

I turn my attention back to my angel. She is smirking at me. I scowl. I know what she's thinking. I've learned what that look means.

"I do not love him." I spit. Her grin widens. She leers at me mockingly. Such a cruel angel she can be.

It's true. What I said, it's true. I don't love him.

He's always so graceful. He's amusing to watch. I love the way he moves, but I don't love him.

He won't take 'no' for an answer. Whether, he'll whine or kick your ass, he'll get his way. I love his determination, but I don't love him.

He is lonely. I can tell it saddens him. He lost everything he had, his dreams were shattered. He has nothing to live for, and yet he continues living. I love his strength, but I don't love him.

There are always girls flirting with him and trying to get his attention in the Koneko. He never accepts, many times he doesn't even realize they're flirting with him, that they want to be with him. I love his beauty and innocence, but I don't love him.

LoveHimLoveHimLoveHimLoveHimLoveHimLoveHimLoveHim

I hear knocking at my door. He is calling my name quietly. If he finds me with her he'll be mad. I don't know if he will forgive me this time. Maybe I can pretend to be asleep. He doesn't leave. I can hear the doorknob turning, the soft creak of the door as it opens. I thought I locked it. How could I forget to lock it? The unfamiliar feeling of panic is rising. I feel cold all of the sudden. My angel wraps her wings around me, warming me, showing security. He steps in, I can see his outline. It's hard to see clearly, only a dim lamp fights off the dark.

"Hey. I saw your light on. I wanted to make sure your arm was okay." He is walking closer. He stops.

"Shit, Ran. It's still bleeding. Why aren't you stopping it?" He rushes over to me. He picks the bandages off the ground and rewraps my forearm. He hasn't noticed her yet.

His eyes travel to my hand which is clutching one of hers tightly. He pries open my hand and lets out a light gasp. Furious eyes whip up to mine.

"I thought you said it was a one time thing." He grabs something from my open palm and dangles it in front of my face. I stare at the baggy of pills uncomprehending.

"Do you know how dangerous this is? Fuck, man, you lied to me!" I look away.

"I missed her." I am surprised to hear my voice as a hoarse whisper. When I turn back I see sadness, pain, and pity all flash across his face.

"Who did you miss, Ran?" He asks gently.

"My angel." I replies honestly. I don't think he understands what I mean. That's okay. I didn't expect him to.

"Angel dust is dangerous, Ran. Hell, one of its street names is DOA, what does that tell you? You have to stop." He says firmly. I shake my head, but stop when I feel dizzy. I'm starting to feel heavy. I'm tired. My eyes begin to close. He makes a panicked sound. My angel has backed away to the side, allowing me space with him.

"Ran, stay awake. Stay with me." With him. I like the sound of that, but I don't think I can...

"I'm sorry," I mumble. He takes me into his arms. "Ken...I-I love you." With those last words I let my eyes slip shut.

The End

Author's Note: Ran was on angel dust/PCP, so the girl he was talking about was not real. PCP causes hallucination, which explains why Ran spoke as if the angel was real. The drug, also, causes an inability to feel pain, which is why Ran doesn't feel anything when his wound is reopened. At one point, I mention Ran tensing when the angel says she hears a noise. I was trying to display some level of paranoia or fear, since PCP causes such side effects, as well. I probably made Ran more coherent than PCP users actually are, but I needed him to narrate what was happening properly.

Now, I want to give a quick thanks to those who have read, and I ask you to please review.