Repentance
A story of moving forward both with Life and Love
Vincent gazed out the cabin window into the white emptiness that stretched its ice-cold grasp across the land as far as the eye could see. Even in midnight the endless barrage of snow that fell on the already frozen base of the Northern Crater seemed to illuminate the pure white of the small flakes' being. He let out a sigh, one not of physical fatigue but rather of emotional exhaustion. He knew that the final battle with Sephiroth was just around the corner. Yet what he didn't know was how the chains of agony, pain, and despair that bound him like a mad dog would be lifted. Would taking the life of his love's only son be the key to unlocking those emotional shackles?
He took in a long deep breath of the deadly cold air, its needle-like prickling pokes against the back of his throat and lungs didn't bother him. Nor did the feeling that his innards felt frozen solid. He smirked. His heart and soul were already frozen; ice cold and lifeless. The events at the Shin-Ra mansion that were burned into his mind began to play over again like a re- run of a classic sitcom. He closed his demonic orange and red mixed eyes as the flashbacks of the events so long ago began to appear in the bleak darkness that he now stared into. He could feel Hojo's scalpel slitting open his chest once again. He still remembered how his very conscious was forever tarnished as he began to hear the voices of other beings...darker beings that sought only to destroy all who Vincent met. The hidden power that lay dormant till provoked through anger seethed through his very veins. He stared down into his gauntlet; the souls that weren't his began to stir within him. The voices that told him to kill and destroy began to whisper to him once more. Then it came...her touch.
Was it her touch? The silky smooth texture of her fair skin against his arm...the warmth of her body transferring to the lifeless chill of his skin...he felt warm. Not the warmth of the summer sun at the Costa Del Sol shore beating against your skin, but the warmth that love gives. The warmth that can melt a frozen heart and make a man in despair filled with happiness once again. His breathing deepened then he heard his name:
"Vincent..."
Oh the whisper of his name was enough to tickle his ear. Her voice, so beautiful that it put the glossy midnight moon and throbbing midnight stars to shame.
"Vincent..."
Her voice sent goose bumps down his spine...her voice...
"Vincent are you ok?"
He opened his eyes and realized that it was only an illusion. But her voice, her touch it all seemed so real. Wasn't it? The snow still feel and the icy winds still beat the cabin's walls fiercely. He sighed once more and continued to compare the similarities of the frozen land to that of his current whole being, when it happened....
"Vincent....it's getting late, please rest we need you."
Her voice? Here? His eyes widened as he span around quickly hoping to see...Tifa!? She must've noticed his shock and dismay for she quickly took a step back.
"I'm sorry for disturbing you...", her beautiful brown eyes staring down at the cabin floor with her hands placed behind her back. "I'll leave you alone now. G'night..." Vincent noticed her rustled long brown hair and timidness in his presence as she shuffled solemnly back to the door. He smirked at this childish action. He had only known her for a short time yet he already knew that she was like a little kid. She was so cheerful, happy, energetic, and full of dreams and hopes. He envied her innocence, but he knew that life wouldn't always be so fair and kind.
"Tifa...why are you up so late?" slowly replied Vincent. She stopped at the door, her shoulders jerked back and forth and the sound of whimpering from a broken heart broke the silence between them. She turned to him with tears running down her face and slumped to the hard icy floor.
"It's Cloud! He loves her...I know he does! Even now that she's dead, even with all that's happened to us. He still loves her..." Tifa replied chokingly. Vincent stared at her with curiosity and wonder while maintaining to keep the same emotionless face mask on. It seemed that life had knocked her off her high pedestal of innocence a lot sooner then he expected. He turned back toward the cabin window and again stared at the vast emptiness that lay before him. He spoke, his voice portraying the experience behind his words.
"Love is only an illusion to the human eye therefore there is no such thing as love. If it makes you feel better and more comfortable, know this, what you define as love is just the brain releasing an overdose of bodily chemicals that give you that "feel good" feeling. Also, the lack of blood flow to the innards gives us the "butterfly" sensation but there is no such thing as LOVE." Spending 20 years in the basement of the Shin-Ra mansion did have its benefits. He was openly invited to read all of scientific studies of a variety of topics by Professor Gast, Hojo, and Lucrezia. The result was a never ending vault of knowledge. During his Turk years with Shin-Ra, Vincent at first thought Hojo as a hard dedicated worker for the corporation. Yet the more he read the more it became obvious that Hojo was a crazed lunatic. The vivid notes of Jenova, Jenova Cells, Clones, and Reunion all came rushing to Vincent's mind. The anger dormant for over 20 years began to rush its angry hatred to his heart, mind, and soul. The images of Lucrezia, the newborn Sephiroth, and the discovery of Jenova Cell injections began to flash like the fireworks at the Gold Saucer through his mind. His hands turned into fists; the metal of the clawed gauntlet slowly grinding against each other, his eyes revealed a fire that blazed uncontrollably, THEN...she came.
Tifa wrapped her arms around him from behind. She sobbed on his caped shoulder as his raven black hair fell over her tear streaked face. He turned his head to look at her and in that instant, all the anger, pain, and agony seemed to slip away. She reminded him so much so himself at that time. The time when he closed his feelings off to the world and realized that love is the most unbearable pain a person could ever experience.
"You're so heartless! Haven't you ever loved anyone before? How can you stand their and call love an illusion so calmly and believe your words!" She now sobbed harder and began to beat on his back. Vincent turned and caught her fists before the next assault on his defenseless back began again. She tried to shake loose but he simply held her hands firmly. "You're a monster!"
"...that's right I am." She stopped her struggling and looked up into his piercing demonic eyes. So fiery yet passionate, so strong yet hurt, so emotionless yet full of love. She caught herself getting lost in his eyes and looked down toward the cabin floor quickly hence he notices her blushing.
"How can you say that?"
"...What?"
"What you said about love and being a monster?"
"I can say it, because it is the truth."
"But you're lying." Vincent let out a slight chuckle to her response.
"Tell me Tifa, how do YOU know if I'm lying or not?"
"I saw it in your eyes...just like I saw the same look in Cloud's eyes, So I know your lying." Vincent let go of her small beautiful hands and for the first time he truly noticed how beautiful Tifa was. Her long chestnut colored hair falling over her face and shoulders, her dark brown colored pools for eyes, her clean womanly scent that mixed with the icy air, her curves...which showed just how womanly she truly was in contrast to her bubbly child-like attitude. She felt his eyes surveying her body and began to become flushed and timid. How could Cloud be such blind fool, Vincent thought. How could he not notice that his childhood friend had a crush on him? Cloud probably wouldn't know Tifa loved him if you strapped her to the front of Meteor and had it smack him in the face head on while confessing her feelings of love to him. What a short sighted fool Vincent thought to himself. "Ah-choo!" Tifa sneezed.
"Bless you, though you should know better then to be up in this weather dressed like that." Vincent pointed to her clothing, the usual white T-shirt and short black shorts. The journey had been too hard and tiresome for the group to get ready for bed. Tifa looked down and surveyed his wardrobe and answered back.
"Nice comment coming form a man who hasn't changed in 20 years," Tifa laughed her childish laugh then sneezed again. "Ah-choo!"
"You're going to catch a cold. Here, take this." Vincent unbuckled his crimson red cape and swung it around Tifa's shoulders. She was amazed at his appearance without his "shell". He was dressed in full heartless black clothes, his pants with the many straps around his thighs, his glistening silver pistol nicely tucked away in it's brown leather holster on his hip, his whole right arm bare to the shining moon hovering beyond the cabin wall, and finally the full view of his golden gauntlet; an enigma all on it's own, mysterious, fascinating, yet at the same time making one swell full of sorrow, anger, an pain all at the same time. She always wondered why this "sinful" man was dressed in the peculiar black and crimson red outfit. She always thought it was his sense of fashion. Yet something told her it wasn't his fashion tastes, or anything to do with "style". No, something inside her told her that everything about him; clothes, weapon, hair, gauntlet, coffin, pain, anger, darkness, passion, love, it all represented him. Everything about him was symbolic to fragments of his life. You could take him apart separately; piece by piece and each piece would hold a story, no a fragment of the story to who he really was. Yet each little piece was only the parts of an incomplete puzzle. Only together could the picture that the fragmented pieces held be seen.
"Are you ok?" murmured Vincent. Tifa snapped out of her deep thoughts and looked up into his demonic eyes. "You should get some rest. The sun doesn't shine here, so you'll need every bit of strength for the obstacles ahead."
"Vincent what's the matter?" Vincent was caught by surprise at this question but he didn't show it. He wondered what she was thinking. Was she trying to analyze him? Why? Why did she care? The pain of others shouldn't be a burden to oneself, so why was she worried?
"Nothing, go to sleep."
"Quit lying to me!"
"Tifa haven't you ever heard the saying 'curiosity killed the chocobo'?"
"Why won't you open up? I know that your past is painful but—"
"You know nothing of pain! The wounds that a man endures in battle will always be there, a reminder to the bearer of his foolishness, a reminder that there is no hope...or love...only pain. Yet even the man who bears scars is more humane than me! My wounds are open even after over 20 years they still bleed, and still hurt. The heart and soul even the mind are far too delicate then the outer body. A wound inflicted in those areas will never heal they will forever bleed and forever cause pain. You ask me to open up...but even if I did you would find nothing. My heart was murdered, my soul...is not my own but rather it's the soul of the demons inside me, my mind is forever tarnished...its only function is to play the events that are the source of my pain and agony over and over and over again. You know nothing of pain nor the torment that haunts me every moment of every day. Do you know how it feels to be soaked and stained in innocent blood? Do you know how it feels to only see crimson and smell death? No, no man can contest to my sins...there is no repentance for my crimes."
"You may be right...but you're wrong if you think that you are the only person that has "sinned". I've let someone live in a fantasy world for a longtime. I let him forget who he was and caused him pain unbearable for his fragile soul. I held the truth from him. I let him live a lie." Tifa's eyes became teary-eyed once again. She hadn't told anyone of the events that took place in the Lifestream. She felt guilty for all the pain Cloud endured. The lie in which he lived his life and the memories that weren't his were things that Tifa herself knew about but held from Cloud. And even though he was able to find himself again; the real Cloud, she still felt guilty. "See you're not the only one who has "sinned" and wishes to repent." She looked up and saw that Vincent seemed in deep thought about her words. Then he seemed more relaxed, maybe all that Vincent needed was someone to share his pain with after all these years. Possibly someone to show him that others caused pain to those they cared about as well for no one is perfect. We all sin.
"I'm sorry for my rudeness. Please forgive me."
"Don't be. I understand how you feel but we all commit a horrible sin sometimes in our lives. No one is perfect. Yet the greatest challenge for us is to face the fact that we've "sinned", and repent for them." Vincent looked at Tifa with emotionless eyes, yet as he stared at her she seemed to grow or rather mature right before him beyond her years. She wasn't the bubbly person he once envied as being "innocent". "Vincent it's getting late. You should get some rest."
"Tifa, thank you. I'm a man whose past is as dark as the casket in which I slumbered in but you've taught me something that even 20 years pondering didn't come to mind." With those words he embraced her. Tifa's body began to get warmer and the warmth of her skin began to feed life back into the coldness of his heart, mind, and soul. He felt her arms wrap around his waist and her head fall against his chest. Her breathing increased rapidly but steadily.
"No one's ever showed me this much appreciation before...thank you Vincent."
"........." What could he say? A man who'd spent the last 20 years in the depths of solitude now felt the joyous feelings that engulfed him during his Turk years with Shin-Ra. Tifa broke away from his embrace and looked into his eyes. She could see what he wanted to say yet couldn't. The flaring passion in his eyes and the color that now appeared in his facial structures were all the answers she needed to understand him. She got on her tiptoes and gave him a kiss goodnight.
"See ya in the morning Vincent." And with a wink of an eye and a gentle smile she left the room. Vincent stood in his room stunned, amazed, ecstatic, and confused. So many feelings pounded his heart and thoughts but even in the mass flood of emotions and voices...he knew what had happened. He opened the cabin window and leapt outside standing against the blizzard alone and head on. He shivered then sneezed. Stunned, he began to realize that he wasn't immune to the blunt coldness of the elements anymore. He'd changed yet didn't seem to realize how. Here was a man who understood the pain of life. Whose heart and soul were colder then the Northern Crater during the winter season even though it was cold year round, whose hands were stained with innocent blood for eternity; forever dripping and leaving a crimson red trail. Here was a man whose aura was engulfed in darkness, and whose scent was of the God of Death himself; always lingering and waiting to take the life of those he held dear. Yet now he shivered and even sneezed against the very coldness that portrayed his soul. He went inside his room and closed the cabin window. He grabbed a wool blanket that lay on the foot of his bed and cloaked it around himself as he sat in the far corner of his room thinking about Tifa. In a flash of a second he unholstered his trusty Quicksilver and aimed at the door knob.
"Bang..." he whispered to himself. He tried to get his mind off Tifa yet even the one exercise he practiced time and time again to clear his head and sharpen his skills weren't working. While twirling the Quicksilver with ease back into his holster he got up and exited his room. He felt the need to check on her, to ensure himself she was safe, and to get one last glimpse of her before he called it a night. He traveled down the hall silently, like a shadow a part of the cabin's darkness. He passed the cigarette stenched room of Cid and Barret, smirking at the way both had a unique way with words. Then he passed the room vacated by both Yuffie and Red XIII. The silent purring and sound of rustling sheets indicated that both of them were lost in the euphoria of sleep. Cait Sith slumbered in the far corner of the hall. The discovery of him working within Shin-Ra was still in the group's minds. Though he had boldly defied them; even "sacrificing" himself to get the black materia. Yet it still seemed as though every move was orchestrated from the start. The limpness of his stature informed Vincent that he too was slumbering.
He stopped at the door of Cloud and Tifa's room. It was the last one down the endless hall with the cabin owner's own room right across from theirs. He stretched his gauntlet out for the bedroom knob and as he did, his heart rate quickened as did his breathing. As Vincent slowly turned the knob, he felt the "butterfly" effect in his stomach arise. What was wrong with him? He stopped and stared at the door to where Tifa laid. He questioned himself over and over again hoping to figure out why he felt the way he did. The last time that he had emotions like this was when Lucrezia was still alive.
"Lucrezia..." he whispered. "I'm sorry to say this but...I've moved on you like you have moved on to the other side. I will always love you and will always hold myself responsible for your death but I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I have done to you and what I will do to your child Sephiroth. Please forgive me, Lucrezia."
No more needed to be said. He understood everything now. He was slowly but surely falling in love with Tifa. The same bubbly person, the woman who had committed a "sin" as well, and the woman who had showed him hat it was ok to open your heart again to others was gradually winning over his heart. He shared her loneliness; the feeling of loving one who can't and won't show you the same love back. Tifa shared his pain; the pain of being hurt by the one you loved and living with the knowledge of your guilt that you hurt them. Yes, though the similarities and common traits weren't exactly positive, they did share the toughest and hardest things that the heart could bear.
Vincent took the knob once again and opened the door a slight crack open. He peered through the slit and saw exactly what he expected. Cloud occupied the bed on the left. He seemed to have a nightmare; tossing and turning violently. He clutched the pink ribbon that belonged to the Aerith: the loved one Tifa spoke of. Cloud mumbled and sweated profusely. Vinent knew that Cloud was blaming himself for Aerith's death. He also knew that he had a vendetta against Sephiroth just as Vincent held one against Hojo for over 20 years. How ironic the situation was. 20 years ago Vincent lost the one he loved to a man he once respected. He had spent the last 20 years "asleep". He hoped being locked away would be a punishment far worse then death. Never to love again nor see the beauty of another sunrise, yet when Cloud, Aerith, and Tifa arrived he knew he had to join them. Hojo was on the loose again and Sephiroth was leading a false role. He was nothing but a puppet for more of Hojo's scientific theories and notes.
Vincent hoped at least Cloud could feel satisfied when all this was over. Eliminating Hojo earlier only left Vincent empty and full of more questions then before. If Cloud killed Sephiroth; the one who killed his love, would he find answers? Ironic how the situation was so similar. Vincent took a long deep breath and opened the door just enough to poke his head in and catch a glimpse of Tifa at the right of the room. What he saw surprised him. Tifa lay on the bed facing the bedroom door. Her facial expression showed she was lost in the ecstasy of a dream. Yet that wasn't what had surprised Vincent. No, what surprised him was what Tifa held. Pressed against her heart, clinched tightly in her fists, and wrapped around her body protecting her from the piercing cold was his crimson cape. He checked his neck and shoulders and found the wool blanket still wrapped around himself. Stealthily entering the room, Vincent moved his way to Tifa's bedside. He pulled the cape gently, slowly, carefully from Tifa's grasp hoping not to disturb her. He figured it would be best if he removed the cape from her. That way, when Cloud and the others arose and came to wake her up they wouldn't see Tifa clinching a piece of HIS clothing. It was best to save themselves suspicion from the others, especially with the battle ahead. He pulled the final fistful of his cape form her hand and as he did she stirred from her peaceful disturbance and mumbled softly.
"...Don't leave me...Vincent don't leave me too...please." Vincent stared at Tfa with longing eyes. He snatched the blanket from his shoulders and wrapped it around Tifa's body, covering every bit of skin so she wouldn't catch a cold. Again she stirred and mumbled in her sleep. "Please...don't leave me Vincent".
"I won't" he responded softly, "I won't make the same mistake twice. I won't lose another love again. I promise. I promise by my damned left hand, I promise to look after you and protect you from harm and trouble. As if consciously aware of his presence and response Tifa smiled in her sleeping state once again. With a final stroke of her check with his gauntlet he wandered back to his room.
After attaching his cape, Vincent laid on his bed and crossed both arms across his chest attaining the burial position he'd been in that last 20 years inside the coffin at the basement of the Shin-Ra mansion. The aroma of Tifa's body fragrance from the crimson caped filled Vincent's quarters as he drowsily drifted into the abyss of sleepiness. He sighed once more. Yet it was not a sigh of physical fatigue or of emotional exhaustion, but rather a sigh of achieving an inner peace. And for the first time in over 20 years, the nightmares ended and Vincent finally experienced a sweet dream.
This was dedicated to all the VincentxTifa supporters! I got y'all's back!
BV