xxxxx
The day Seth comes home is quiet.
He expects anger, disappointment, tears, yelling, something. Not this. This quiet house that doesn't feel like the house he's grown up in without noise and energy. Maybe it's because he left, but he suspects there's more to it than that. It's been a long summer.
When he walks into the house, he's surprised at the open door. And then the silence hits him. Where is everyone?
"Mom? Dad? Where are you?"
No answer.
Seth stands frozen in the hallway, the front door wide open behind him. "Hello? Mom? Dad? Anyone?"
"They're out."
The disembodied voice comes from the living room, which Seth immediately moves towards. That sounded distinctly like Ryan. But that's impossible. Isn't it?
Apparently not. Seth gapes. "Ryan? Dude, what are you doing here? Why aren't you in Chino?"
"Nice to see you, too," Ryan responds with just a hint of a smile.
Seth groans. "Of course it's nice to see you. I was just wondering why I'm currently seeing you. Unless, of course, you're a figment of my imagination, which is completely plausible right now. Are you? I mean..."
Ryan laughs. "You really don't make it easy to be angry at you, Seth."
"What? Why angry? What did I do?" Seth looks genuinely perplexed.
"You left. Or did you miss that little detail?" Ryan's voice is harder now, edgier.
"You left first," Seth points out.
Ryan sighs, exasperated. "Theresa was having a baby, Seth. Or did you miss that too?"
"No, that I got," Seth responds, feeling himself get angry right back. Then he realizes – "Wait a minute. Was? Did I miss something here?"
"You missed a lot. Your dad came to Chino a few days after you left, talking about you and how devastated your mother was and how I needed to come home. You really don't think sometimes. Did you ever stop to think about how you running away would affect your family? Or Summer? Or me, even? Huh?" Ryan pauses to catch his breath. "So I agreed to come back for the summer. Just for the summer. But then Theresa lost the baby and didn't want me to go back there. Which was a bit of a relief, honestly. But, god, Seth, it's like you don't think about anyone but yourself. Whatever happened to 'divided, someone gets shot?'" Seth looks like he's about to repeat, But you left first, but Ryan doesn't let him. "No. You knew I was just trying to do the right thing. That could have been my kid, Seth. I was there for you all year. The least you could do is be there for me once in a while. You didn't have my back with Oliver, and now this. You just take off when things get rough and expect everything and everyone to be the same as they were before you left. It doesn't work like that, damn it!" Ryan's run out of ammunition and pauses.
Seth just stands there, mute. Is this Ryan, stringing together these long sentences? I guess my influence finally paid off. Just as he's about to smile, he thinks about Ryan's words, which are a slap in the face because of their truth. No, he hadn't thought. Well, that's not really true. He'd thought about how hard he had it and how he needed to get out. But that was about it, Ryan's right. He opens his mouth in defense before realizing that he has none. Ryan has done the unthinkable: left Seth Cohen speechless.
Finally, he says, "Where are my parents?"
"They went out to a movie before dinner," is the weary reply.
"Oh."
"It's been strange without you here. Quiet."
Seth tries to think of a joke but comes up blank. Another first. Ryan's on a roll tonight: two for two.
He looks up at Ryan, whose face is calm now, gentle. It's as though he needed to get all of that out, and now he's ready to forgive Seth. But that can't be the case, because that would be too easy. Right?
Words finally pop into Seth's overwhelmed brain, and he opens his mouth. "I'm sorry. I know it's not much, maybe not anything, but I mean it. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. You're right – I only thought about myself and how lonely I was when you left. I knew I couldn't be here without you. And the Oliver thing – I thought we'd gotten past that, dude. I know I was a really shitty friend – brother – whatever we are. I mean, I don't really think of you as my brother, but..." Ryan looks at him sternly. "Right. Sorry. So not the point. Anyway, I didn't mean to be gone when you needed me."
"Just me? What about your parents and Summer?"
"I left them notes," he says weakly.
"Oh, so that's fine, then – leave a note and you're cleared of all blame and responsibility. Great logic, Seth."
He's not used to Ryan being sarcastic. It's unnerving. Ryan's anger almost makes him sexier, actually, if that's even possible. Seth has long ago gotten used to his feelings for Ryan. Walking on someone changing tends to make feelings like that hard to suppress. He didn't even try with Summer's father, honestly. At that point, he knew he wanted Ryan and was too tired to make the effort.
Now he protests, "No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that I missed you. So much I couldn't breathe, sometimes, just sitting there on the Summer Breeze watching everything pass me by. I went to Luke's in Portland, you know. I even wound up forgiving him for all those years of horror, which, like, I can't believe I could ever have done that, but I did, because it was less painful than thinking that sometime I'd have to come back to a Ryanless Newport and attempt to get through Senior year without you."
He sees something in Ryan's face shift, becoming more... forgiving, maybe. Hopefully.
"I didn't love her, you know."
"What?"
"Theresa. I mean, we've dated, and you know I slept with her a few months before you left-"
"We left," Seth corrects.
"...before we left, but I didn't love her. I don't love her. She's a good friend, and I hope she'll always be that, but..."
"But?" Seth can't read Ryan's face. He really hopes this is going where he thinks it's going.
"But she's not the person I want to be with."
"And who is the person you want to be with?" Seth's eyes sparkle. So do Ryan's.
Ryan gulps. In that second, they both lose their nerve. "Marissa?" Seth asks. The look in Ryan's eyes fades.
"Are you kidding? She needs more than I can give her."
"Finally!" Seth shouts. "A breakthrough! Do you have any idea how long I have been waiting for you to realize that?"
"In my defense, we weren't even together for that long. I mean, first there was Luke, then we dated for a little while, and then there was Oliver, and eventually we dated for another few weeks, and then there was Theresa and the baby. I'd say the time we were actually a couple was about two months, total."
"Your point being...?"
"That's not really enough time to know a person. Or to know how much they need from you."
"True." Seth wishes he'd never asked about Marissa. Honestly, he doesn't really care, as long as Ryan isn't going to start seeing her again. Ever. "That girl is really messed up."
"I know."
The door opens, just as Seth is getting up his nerve to ask if the person Ryan wants to be with could possibly, ever, be him.
"Hey, Ryan."
"We're in the living room," Ryan calls out. Seth hears Kirsten ask Sandy, "We?"
"I don't know," Sandy replies.
All of a sudden there are emotional parents in the doorway. "Seth!" Kirsten launches herself at him. When she's done hugging, kissing and crying, she starts lecturing. "How dare you leave us like that?"
"Ryan left first," Seth says, but he knows he has no argument.
"You know that was different," Sandy, still in the doorway, tells him. "You promised, Seth."
Fuck. The one thing his father could possibly say that would make him feel like the biggest scum on earth. Seth hangs his head, unable to look Sandy in the eye. "I know, Dad."
"Fine. We'll discuss this more tomorrow. How about dinner?"
Thank god. They're not going to chew him out now. Not that tomorrow sounds any more appealing, but Seth's stomach is rumbling, and, really, he hasn't had good food in about a week. "As long as Mom's not cooking."
Kirsten looks mildly offended, but Sandy chuckles. "Of course not. I ordered Chinese. I didn't know you'd be here, of course, but there's probably enough."
Mmm... Seth can practically taste it already. He suddenly stops himself from dashing, head first, into the kitchen, when something else occurs to him. "How did Summer take it?"
He's surprised when Ryan is the one who answers. "Not too well. I've been spending a lot of time with her lately."
"Really?" Seth gapes.
"Well, yeah. What else did you expect me to do?"
"I don't know. I didn't expect you to be here, for one thing."
Ryan smiles. "Summer and I are pretty close now. We understand each other."
Seth just looks at him. He has missed a lot.