Joey was crestfallen, and he couldn't speak. He tried to stutter, but couldn't even do that very well. Ross resumed speaking. "I know this isn't easy for you Joey. I know that you need my forgiveness. I mean proposing to Rachel. It's one of those things we could all look back and have other people laugh at it. And if it was clear that for the past seven and a half years there was nothing I could do to get back with Rachel, I could forgive you. I know that you didn't intend to propose to Rachel. I know that it was just one of those weird coincidences that seem to attach themselves to me. But the fact is that you did propose to Rachel on the day Emma was born. This should be one of the happiest days of my life, and you ruined it. If your acts ruined things, if they delayed things until I ran out of time, if they made sure that Emma just drops out of my life, how could I ever forgive you for that?"
Joey looked like he was about to burst into tears, and Ross turned to the rest of the table. "I know that over the past ten years, I have done a lot of things that I shouldn't. I have done a lot of things I have been ashamed of. And I know that ever since Rachel moved out last year that it has been getting worse, that I have been getting geekier, more annoying, more irritating. And I know that each of you has a good reason for what you've done and there is always a good excuse. You all have good reasons. You all have good alibis. And I am sick and bloody tired of it. I am sick and tired of being the only one who has to pay for the consequences of his actions. Rachel, I can understand that it would be too easy to forgive me after sleeping with the copier girl..."
"Chloe," interjected Chandler.
"Thank you Chandler. I think we all knew her name so you really didn't need to interrupt. But that was seven and a half years ago. I have spent years apologizing. For God's sake if I didn't cheat on Carol when she sleeping with another woman, if I didn't cheat on Emily when she refused to cross the Atlantic Ocean, if I did everything I could to be fair to Julie and Bonnie, what the hell do I have to do in order to gain your trust?"
"Ross you got married to another woman!"
"Yes! And you came all the way to London to split us up. And then at the last possible moment you changed your mind, so you're not responsible. And of course I said your name at the wedding, so of course I lose Emily, I make a fool of myself in front of all my family and friends, I lose my apartment, I lose my job, and I have a small nervous breakdown. And I don't get you. You get what you want, you get me punished for seeing another woman, and you get it in such a way that you're not responsible, and it's all my fault. This is just like you Rachel."
"How is it just like me?"
"Remember Julie and how I decided to leave her, and then that stupid list which just happens to appear at the worst possible minute. By the way Chandler I don't think I ever thanked you for that, and also I didn't thank you for spelling Rachel with an 'm'. Or how I left Bonnie and I fell asleep reading your 36 page letter and I had to bluff my way and of course I make the wrong decision, and of course, you can't forgive that. I mean you have been trying to get in the way of every woman for the past ten years. You go out of your way to force Jill on me, and then you yank her back from me like a yo-yo. I mean, I go out with Elizabeth, you go out with her father. I invite Mona for Valentine's Day and you just make sure that falls apart."
"But Ross," interrupted Monica, "you didn't love Elizabeth, or Mona or Bonnie or Jill."
"True. Very true. Sleeping with Elizabeth was probably the stupidest thing I ever did. But sometimes I think that all you wanted was to make sure that I would never be happy again. I try to move closer to you, and you say I'm being too needy. I try to move on and you say that I don't care enough for you. I'm screwed when I'm cautious, and I am screwed when I try to take the initiative or advantage of the situation. I can't marry you when you're pregnant because we can't base a marriage on that. So I follow your advice and you agree to marry Joey because you think I don't care for you. I know I've done bad things, but you never cut me any slack. You never give me any advice. All you do is that once a year you offer me just a glimmer of hope, and then you wait until I make a mistake, and whoop there it goes. I'm responsible, it's all my fault, I shouldn't even think of talking to you for another year! No soup for you!"
"That's not true," said Rachel firmly. "That's not the whole story. You have done a lot of things to ruin my trust."
"Oh really? You say you'll marry Joey, but that's just because you're exhausted from childbirth. It doesn't mean anything. You give out your number to some guy in a bar while I'm home watching Emma, but it's just a passing fancy. You kiss some guy from work but, hey, it doesn't mean anything."
"It didn't mean anything! Do you see Gavin here?"
"Oh yes. But when I don't give you that guy's phone number, I'm the swine, I'm the bastard, I'm the filthy little rat, and you're the victim. You don't appreciate anything I ever do for you. I kissed a dying Dutchwoman for you! You take me for granted, and you wait until I do something wrong, and then you put all the blame on me."
"How I can love you, if you don't trust me?"
"But you don't love me! There is nothing for me to trust!"
"For Christ's sake, Ross, those things were accidents. You've got to get over them."
"Accidents? Yes, I suppose it's just accidents that you appear that you don't love me. It's just another accident that everyone else finds out that I'm going to be a father before I do. Well you have no problems pointing out that I'm a geek or a nerd, or that my job is petty and worthless. But whenever you feel that I'm deserving of respect or appreciation or love you always do a very good job of keeping that to yourself. Sometimes I don't think you ever loved me at all. I know we've seen a lot of people over the past seven years. But you were always the one who said I had to move on. If you hadn't said so, I never would have. I don't hate you, Rachel Green, but right this minute I am very angry at you. A part of me has always loved you. A part of me always will. But I shouldn't have."
Rachel appeared too shocked to respond, so Ross turned to the others. "And as for the rest of you. I know I haven't been the easier person in the world for the past three years. But it's not as if I was addicted to heroin, or I was in prison or was recovering from alcoholism. It's not as if I was asking you to set me up with Winona Ryder. I am supposed to be one of your dearest friends. I can reasonably expect something more than the barest minimum. It wouldn't kill you to give me a little help."
"What did Phoebe do?" asked Mike.
"Oh, let's see. Well, both she and Monica knew that Rachel had a crush on Joey, but they couldn't bother to mention that little fact to me, so, of course I had to find out by coming along when they were making out. But when David thought of proposing to Phoebe, Monica went out of the way to drag you down to Bermuda. Notwithstanding the fact that you hadn't seen Phoebe for months and you were carrying on with another girl, who, by the way, you didn't have the balls to break up with yourself."
Monica pleaded. "Circumstances were different. David wouldn't have proposed at all if Chandler hadn't accidentally put the idea into his head. And I didn't think that Joey and Rachel would lead to anything serious. And it didn't."
"Oh true. And you forgot the most important difference. David's a scientist. And we all know that scientists are elitist blue-state scum who contribute nothing to humanity. It's not that as if we had to work hard to get our degrees. It's not really a form of human knowledge, it's sort of like a special social club for geeks and nerds who can't get laid. It's not as if we actually researched our subjects according to the most stringent criteria. No we just think up things off the tops of our heads. Oh wait, no, I'm wrong, that's what Phoebe does! Gee, and what a narrow and esoteric subject I study: the origin of life on this planet. Could there be anything more unimportant and trivial? I mean, who cares what happened sixty million years ago? We're Americans! We don't have to know what happened six months ago! The rest of the planet serves no purpose except to satisfy our whims! It's certainly not as if I was doing something productive like making up flippant slogans for overpriced garbage like you, Chandler, or designing clothes that we all have to throw away six months from now Rachel, or preparing over-priced under-cooked food like you Monica. And as for you Joey it must be really difficult getting ahead in your acting career when you are so stupid and you so have so little talent!" Ross paused to breathe deeply. "And as for you Chandler..."
"You're angry with me because I didn't try to sleep with Rachel?"
"No. I am angry at you because you appear to be happily married, and you appear to have everything you want, and it appears that way because whereas I was shrill and immature and spiteful you were wise and mature and generous. And that's a goddamn crock. You are lucky and that is all you are. Before you met Monica your longest relationship was with a woman who you know you can't possibly stand. You chased away Kathy because you were jealous. Just mentioning Richard is enough to make you suspicious and paranoid. And think of how many miserable things have gone wrong for me trying to get Rachel. But for you, the love of your life just walks into your room. She wasn't even looking for you, she was looking for Joey. Not withstanding that unpromising fact, everything goes well for you. You certainly didn't get married prematurely in Vegas, because, of course, I did that and warned you off that. You nearly botch the proposal, you nearly botch the wedding, but you get another chance. You only got married because you incorrectly thought Monica was pregnant!"
"What?" asked Monica.
"Uh, dude, I never actually told Monica that."
"You find that you are unable to have children. But, no sweat, you can adapt one. You get a call from a donor after only a few months and you find out that she mistook you for someone else. No problem, you are able to convince her to stay with you. If it had been me who was trying to do this, I would have the been the father who got shafted. You even get an extra child as a bonus. You always get as many chances as you need, while I only just get enough for me to screw up. And all this time you have never offered me the slightest bit of useful advice. You're the one who said I should give up going after Rachel, you're the one who said let's print out a list on your fancy laptop, you're advice when I slept with Chloe was for me to lie."
Phoebe spoke up. "There has to be a better way to end this."
"No. It ended two months ago. Maybe it ended seven and a half years ago. I have just wasted the last ten years of my life."
"That's not true," said Phoebe. "You have a daughter."
"Yes. So I've been told. Well I wouldn't really know about that, would I?"
"Ross," begged Monica, "you'll find someone else."
"On what possible grounds do you make that claim? Look at it this way. I spent seven years with Carol. I was an annoying geek, but I didn't deserve being betrayed by her. After that relationship, I was suspicious, I was fearful, I was vindictive, I cheated on Rachel and I spent ten years trying to get Rachel in a relationship that was worse in every conceivable way. And the worst thing about it is that this time I deserve to be royally screwed. I deserve to lose everything. I already lost my son, now I have to lose my daughter. If losing Carol made me this bad a person, do you think that losing Rachel will make a better person? And if I did manage to find someone do you really think I could bear having another child and losing it again? It's just too painful. It's just too hard. You know, I don't know what's worse. I don't know whether it is worse that maybe that there is nothing in the past seven years that could have got me and Rachel together again. Or that I could have gotten back together if I had done one of a dozen things differently, if Rachel had cut me a little slack, and the rest of you had done something differently, if some perverse fate hadn't kept screwing things up."
"Oh, like the time when Rachel was going to get closer to you, but you had just remet Mona instead and so she turned around and went away?" asked Phoebe.
Ross stared at her. "Oh. You didn't know about that."
"Look Ross we don't think you're a bad person," said Monica.
"Actually you do. You think forgiving Joey shows that I'm weak. And you think he would be a better father of Emma than I would. All you cared about was that he be polite. And when he couldn't manage even that, you didn't care. Really Joe, it is hard enough trying to deal with this as it is, I have waste valuable time caring about your miserable feelings. Well, it's not as if I had anything to contribute. Aside from child support. I mean Emma could get high SAT scores. She could work to get them. But why should she bother when she can just pay someone to take them instead, just like her mother. Well I am a better parent than anyone else in this room, even if none of you can appreciate it. None of you have any idea how painful that is."
"Hey," said Phoebe, "what about my triplets?"
"Not the same thing Pheebs. You knew you were going to give them up to your sister-in-law. That was the whole point of the exercise. And you live in the same city as them. My daughter lives on another continent. The ties have been stretched to the breaking point. And now sooner, rather than later, they are going to snap."
Chandler spoke up. "You spent eight months with Rachel taking care with Emma. Why didn't you say something?"
Ross hesitated. And then he spoke to Rachel. "Because I thought you would say no. Because I thought that if I gave it more time you would come around, that things would change. And of course, things changed for the worse. Do you think that being around me all the time didn't arouse any feelings? Of course you did. But I didn't think you could build a marriage based on sex. And as it turns out, I was right." He paused. "I was going to say you're vindictive, you're such a vindictive bitch. But you're not. You're the best friend my sister ever had. You can tolerate Joey, you can tolerate Phoebe, you can tolerate your mother. You can forgive your horrible father and your wretched sister..."
"Which one?" asked Chandler.
"Amy. Jill's just a little spoiled. But you can't forgive me. You give me just enough slack to satisfy your conscience, but not a millimeter more. You even gave Barry and Pablo a second chance. They were too stupid to take advantage of it, but I have to beg you even to say goodbye to me. And if I were handsome or had more money you would give me that slack."
Rachel started to cry. "Please don't go."
Ross hesitated. For a moment he looked like he was going to comfort her. But then... "No. You just feel guilty. Maybe you feel pity. But it's not enough. We can't base a marriage on friendship, we can't base it on sex, we can't base it on Emma. We certainly aren't going to base it on guilt or pity. And you'll get over it. You always do. You have always gotten everything you wanted in life. Now you have self-esteem. And I'm just the last obstacle to overcome. If it's any consolation, I'll probably be very miserable and bitter for the rest of my life. So you can look at how wretched I am, and you can always claim vindication." Ross get up from his chair.
"You're leaving?" asked Monica.
"Yes."
"No, there has to be another way. There has to be a way for you to be civil with each other."
"No, Monica. After ten years feelings just can't peacefully evaporate and be replaced by good will. It just doesn't work that way. One more thing. You all think I'm a loser. And you're right. I've lost three wives, I've lost two children, I lost my job once, I've lost my dignity, and my self-respect, and certainly I've lost whatever charm I may have ever had. And now I'm losing the four of you. Well losing you will probably be the easiest thing to take." And with that he exited the restaurant.
"I can't believe it ended that way," said Monica.
"Oh, God what have I done," whimpered Joey.
"You fell in love in Rachel, when you knew that Ross was still in love with her," said Phoebe. "If it's any consolation he hates himself more than he does us. Well most of us. I really thought that when you decided not to sleep with Joey that you would get back with Ross."
"For God's sake Chandler, say something."
Chandler couldn't. "I can't think of a single thing to say."
(Clearly showing why Not Being Together is a bad idea. There is no good way for it to turn out happily.)
An epilogue may follow.