Joe Cartwright in the 21st Century
Written 11/25/03 to 11/30/03
Disclaimer: I don't even own the title! I stole it from Buck Rogers. I don't own him either; never even seen the guy. So don't sue me--I'm not worth it, unless my Neopets mean something to you...
NOTE: This story is the first Bonanza thing I've ever written. Come to think of it, this is the first FAN-FICTION I've ever written!! Also, time-travel stories are seriously out of my league but I decided to give it a shot anyway. With all these factors added up, it equals a 'you'd better be nice with the reviews'. Big time.
"Ride 'im, Adam! Ride 'im!" Hoss Cartwright shouted, leaning on the wooden fence that separated him from the horses and his older brother.
"Come on, Adam! Go!" Little Joe, who was also leaning on the fence, chimed in enthusiastically. It was a perfect spring day in early June, 1859, and it was horse-breaking season.
Adam, the oldest of the three Cartwright boys, heard his brothers' yells but was too busy to respond. He was trying to tame a beautiful, brown-and-white mustang. The horse reared and bucked desperately in an attempt to throw its rider. All who had tried before had been thrown. Not this time, Adam thought determinedly, keeping his tight grip on the reins.
Unfortunately, his natural Cartwright stubbornness was not enough, and the feisty animal wound up throwing Adam off his back in the end. He landed on his stomach with a loud thud.
Before his brothers could leap over the fence to see if he was alright, Adam got to his feet and dusted off his chaps. He walked slowly over to them.
"You okay, older brother?" Hoss asked with a slightly amused smile on his face.
"Yeah," Adam answered simply, clearing the fence and joining Hoss and Joe on the other side.
"Looks like you're losing your touch," Joe said with a mischievous look. "But don't feel too bad. That happens when you get old!"
Hoss snorted and Joe giggled as Adam all but shoved his brother over the fence and into the corral. Joe was still laughing as he approached the mustang. A few of the ranch-hands held him steady as Joe carefully mounted. Adam and Hoss watched from the sidelines.
As soon as the hands let the horse go, total chaos broke out. Everyone on the Ponderosa ranch knew that Joe, despite his small size, was the best horse-breaker there was (mostly thanks to Joe's immodest behavior), but it was still a nerve-wracking experience to watch him or anyone else try to break such a stubborn animal.
"Come on, kid! Ride him!" Adam hollered as Little Joe somewhat successfully managed to keep his seat in the saddle. Adam knew perfectly well that Joe didn't like being called 'kid'.
"You can do it, Shortshanks!" added Hoss, knowing that Joe didn't always appreciate the special nickname anymore.
Maybe it was Hoss' or Adam's encouragements or something else, but Joe suddenly lost his grip on the reins and balance in the saddle. The next time the horse reared, Joe flew backwards and landed heavily on his back.
He didn't get up.
"Joe!" Hoss cried, climbing over the fence and hurrying towards his brother. Adam quickly followed. Adam reached him first and bent over the still form of Little Joe. Please let him be okay, he prayed silently. Although he and Joe didn't always see eye-to-eye, Adam didn't want anything to happen to his youngest brother.
"He okay?" Hoss asked worriedly, peering at Joe's face over Adam's shoulder.
"Dunno. Looks like he got a good knock to the head, though. We oughtta get him back to the house and get the doctor," Adam advised. Hoss picked up Joe with a gentle touch that belied his large size and slowly carried him out of the corral.
"Hey, Dan!" Adam called. "Ride into Virginia City and get Doc Martin out here, will ya? I'm going to tell Pa about what happened." Dan the ranch-hand nodded and galloped away into town to fetch Paul Martin.
Just an aside, here--is it just me, or are all the villains and/or ranch hands on this show always named either 'Dan' or 'Mike'??!? Is there, like, a conspiracy going on behind their backs? Okay, now back to the story, which should start getting very strange very soon.
Adam mounted his own horse, Sport, and rode on ahead to tell his father about Joe's accident. Hoss followed at a good distance behind on his own horse, holding Joe securely in his arms.
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Ben Cartwright sat working on the accounts at the sturdy wood desk in the small space that branched off from the living room. He was the determined, stubborn force that kept the Ponderosa running. A three-time widower, Ben had had to raise all three of his sons on his own, and he had watched proudly as they grew up into fine, strong men.
At the word "men", Ben couldn't help but smile a little to himself. Maybe they weren't all men quite yet. Joseph, his youngest, still had a bit of growing up to do, but was still a wonderful son just the same--most of the time.
The usually calm man was in no way prepared when Adam burst through the door and slammed it shut exceptionally loud.
"How many times do I have to tell you boys NOT to slam the door?!" Ben lightly scolded him.
"Sorry, Pa," Adam hurriedly apologized. "But Joe just took a bad fall from one of the horses and--"
Alarmed, Ben stood up. "Is he hurt bad?" he asked, not realizing he was interrupting Adam's speech. But the ever-patient Adam chose to ignore this when he saw the worry on his father's face.
"I don't know. But he landed on his back pretty hard and got a good clonk on the head. He doesn't seem to have broken anything, though. Hoss is on his way with him right now, and I sent Dan for Doc Martin."
"Good thinking," Ben told him, somewhat distracted. He sank into blue velvet armchair by the fireplace.
"You okay, Pa?" Adam questioned, seeing Ben's face pale.
"Yes, just fine," Ben answered, still looking distracted. It wasn't often one of the boys had a bad fall while breaking horses, and when they did, it came as a shock to their father, especially since his third wife, Marie, had died after a fall from a horse.
No sooner had Ben answered Adam's question than Hoss rode slowly into the yard. Ben and Adam rushed out to greet him--and Ben slammed the door behind him in his haste.
By this time, Hoss had already dismounted and was carefully pulling Joe down into his arms. The boy was still unconscious. Adam volunteered to put Chubb in the barn to no one in particular and left to do just that. Ben and Hoss went inside with Joe in their arms.
Ben, Adam and Hoss all waited anxiously as Paul Martin, the family doctor, came down the stairs. He had practically had to shove Ben from the room when he asked to look at Little Joe's head and back alone, just in case he found something unexpected. Hoss had finally managed to get Ben downstairs to have a cup of Hop Sing's coffee, which he had yet to start.
Hop Sing came out from the kitchen and looked at the untouched mug. He took it and went back into the kitchen. Usually, he would have begun muttering in Chinese about how no one appreciated him and threaten to go back to China. But not this time.
Ben heard Doc Martin's footsteps and nearly collided with him in his haste to find out about Joe.
"Well?" he asked expectantly.
"Luckily, his spine isn't broken, and the head injury isn't too bad. He'll have quite a head-ache when he wakes up, though," Paul explained. Ben, Hoss and even Adam looked visibly relieved. Adam usually didn't show his feelings and didn't tell anyone else about them either. But this time, if he had tried, he had failed miserably.
"I gave him a sedative to let him sleep for the next twenty-four hours or so," Doc Martin added.
"May I see him anyway?" Ben asked.
"Yes, but be sure to get plenty of rest yourself. Boys, make sure of that; knowing Little Joe, I don't think anybody will be getting much rest as soon as he wakes up!" the doctor instructed, and Hoss and Adam nodded with smiles on their faces. They knew that, as soon as Joe was awake, he'd be asking to get up, the family would refuse and Joe's hot temper would flare. And, if he was feeling too miserable to get out of bed (which wasn't very often), Joe would probably complain about where it hurt. Either way, it led to a few sleepless nights.
"I'll see myself out, Ben," the doctor added. "And if there are any unexpected problems, don't hesitate to send someone for me." Paul Martin left the house, unintentionally slamming the door.
Boy, would I ever hate to be a door in this house! Adam thought, amused, as Ben went upstairs to see his son.
-----------
Unknown to the three eldest Cartwrights, Joe was in a completely different world even before Hoss put him on Chubb and brought him home. As a matter of fact, he had left the Ponderosa as soon as he hit the ground.
When Joe first slipped into unconsciousness, he felt the world spinning around him so fast it made him dizzy. When he thought he couldn't take the spinning any longer, he felt himself land--hard--on his back. Joe opened his hazel-green eyes and looked around.
What Joe saw made him think he had injured his head during the fall. He shut his eyes and decided to count to three, hoping that this strange place would dissolve back into the old familiar corral, and his brothers would be around him, asking if he was okay.
"One..."
This had better work!
"Two..."
Please, please, oh PLEASE work!
"Thr—"
"Hey! Get out of the road!" a deep, mean-sounding voice demanded. A strange honking noise that sounded like a sick goose filled the air. Joe stood up. He was still in this strange world.
"Are ya deaf?! I said, get out of the way!!" the man shouted. Joe looked up and saw possibly the biggest wagon that was ever built. There was a green, box-shaped object where the unfriendly, unshaven man sat yelling at him. Behind the sitting area was a large white rectangle with fancy red writing on the side that Joe couldn't make out. The wheels were humongous and didn't look anything like the hand-made wooden ones they used at home. These were black with round silver metal decorating the middles.
"One last time, kid!" the man yelled above the honking noise. "GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Joe quickly did as he was told and stepped out of the man's path. When he was clear, the strange-looking wagon moved forward, and, unfortunately, the wind was against him and exhaust blew into this face. He coughed at the terrible smell. As the wagon passed, Joe could read the writing on the side:
Friendly Freddy's Catering Service
"'Friendly', my eye," Joe muttered to himself, and he starting walking along the sidewalk, which he hadn't really noticed.
One thing he did notice was that all the people were giving him very odd looks. One man dressed in a business suit mumbled, "What is this? Trick-or-treating time already?" Joe wondered what this meant, but figured it wasn't very nice.
Little Joe, in turn, was giving them odd looks. Their dress was so different! The men wore shirts with sleeves that only went down to about the elbow, except for the few who were wearing suits. That wasn't too strange.
The dress of the women, now that was something else again. They wore pants--pants!--all the way up to mid-thigh, and those who were wearing dresses wore them about down to the knee, at lowest. Either way, nearly all of their legs were exposed. To Joe, the women were wearing nothing but their underwear--in public! Joe tried not to stare, or rather, not to appear too conspicuous as he stared.
Another thing unusual about these people: they didn't wear hats or gun belts. How are they supposed to protect themselves without gun belts? Joe wondered. Maybe they're a peaceful tribe of Indian or something... then again, that guy driving the 'wagon' wasn't too friendly, and these are the weirdest-looking Indians I ever saw!
Joe continued to walk along the sidewalk, all the while accepting weird looks from everybody. That was when it suddenly occurred to him that he was still wearing his dusty chaps. So that's why they all think I'm strange! Joe reasoned with a smile. He unfastened his chaps, slung them over his shoulder and continued walking.
But the odd glances didn't stop, and Joe was beginning to wonder if there was something really unusual about him. Adam sometimes said he was crazy, but he couldn't have been serious!
Joe finally decided to stop someone and ask where he was and what was wrong with him. A young man who looked only a few years older and was about his height seemed like the perfect choice.
"Excuse me," Joe said politely. The man stopped and looked at him. Once again, Joe got a strange look. He ignored it. "I was wondering... what do you call this place?" The man seemed dazed by Joe's question and his dress.
"Hello?" Joe waved a hand in front of the man's eyes.
"Oh, well, you're in New Britain, Connecticut, stranger," he said.
"Connecticut?!" Joe fairly yelled. The second question he had planned to ask completely left his mind. "Uh... thanks for the help, mister." The man nodded, still staring, and walked off, occasionally glancing over his shoulder to look at Joe.
"Connecticut? How'd I get here so fast? And what's with all these people and that strange wagon? I know it's more populated in the East and more sophisticated, but Adam didn't tell me about this!"
As Joe began to ponder all this, he noticed that there were a lot more of those 'wagons' lining the road. They were smaller than the one Joe had seen earlier, but they were still the strangest looking things Joe had ever looked at in his whole seventeen years of life. There were purple ones with four doors on them, green ones with glass roofs on them that looked like a window, and even yellow ones with checkerboards on the sides! Joe wondered how you were supposed to play checkers if the boards were on the side of a wagon like that.
A blue wagon stopped suddenly. Joe wondered why (since he didn't know what a stop light was for) and saw that the person inside had slipped a thin metal disc into a slot in the dashboard. He pushed a couple of buttons and a voice came from it:
"Love, oh love, oh careless love
Love, oh love, oh careless love..."
Joe had never heard music like that, much less from a wagon. Actually, the voice had reminded him of someone else's but Joe couldn't quite put his finger on whom. Regardless, he would have thoroughly enjoyed the song if it hadn't been for his predicament.
But the unusual roofed, colored wagons weren't the only bizarre things Joe saw that day. There were buildings on either side of the road with big, glass windows. Joe could see people throwing soft, flat brownish things up into the air and catch them again on their fingertips. Then the people would stick the brown things in large, stone ovens. If only Hop Sing could see this! Joe said, staring at the people. He glanced at the door and saw the place was called "Domino's". That's an odd name for a restaurant.
Joe walked on.
In another window of a store called "Footbeats", there was a person in an orange shirt helping someone else in a blue shirt get a pair of boots on. The boots were cut off at the ankle and were white with a yellow stripe across them. Between the two people, they laced up the shoes, and the person with the blue shirt stood up and walked around a little bit in the curious-looking boots.
No wonder that person needed help--who wants to go through all the trouble of lacing up your boots?
Joe walked on and stopped in front of another building. This one was made of brick. Joe peeked inside. He saw about a dozen couples sitting at tables, eating. A man in a black uniform came by and handed one of the couples a slip of paper. Joe wondered what the place was called. He looked up at the sign above the door and received a huge shock:
Ponderosa Steakhouse
Joe shook his head and looked up again. There it was: Ponderosa Steakhouse.
I know Hop Sing is always threatening to go back to China, but I didn't know he would go the other way and start a restaurant! I wonder what Hoss thought of that! Joe thought, staring at all the couples. They looked happy. Well, Hop Sing is a good cook. And if he's happy here, then I won't bug him. Joe walked on, distressed that Hop Sing had left. With all his threats, Joe had never imagined he'd really leave!
The next building Little Joe stopped at was "Best Buy". In this window, ten medium-sized black boxes were displayed. Joe peered closer and heard very faint voices coming from the boxes:
"Got anything better to do than play with that?"
"Never know when I might want to use it!"
Joe got closer to the glass that separated him from the strange boxes (bumping his nose in the process) and saw that the two figures talking on the boxes looked strangely familiar...
"What chance have you got to use an epee out here in the West?"
"What I always say is, older brother, if a man ever gets that chance, he'd best be ready for it!"
Joe got so close to the glass that his breath began to fog up his vision. That was the same argument that he was always having with Adam: Older Brother would tell him not to play with the 'New Orleans monkey pick', and they'd have a fight, getting them both in trouble with Pa.
That was when Joe realized that the two figures in the box were Adam and himself! Joe's jaw dropped open as they two people continued to talk:
"Stand still when I'm talking to you! You're a Cartwright. Do you know what that means?"
"No, older brother, I'm waiting for you to tell me."
There was no doubt about it now. Joe was definitely watching himself argue with Adam. Joe ran a hand through his curly brown hair and thought how good the black box made him look.
Then, right when Adam was about to throw a punch at Joe, the image on the box changed. Joe was relieved. He didn't really want to see Adam get the better of him.
"We interrupt this program for a very important announcement," an attractive blond woman on the screen said. Joe continued to watch and listen. "Several witnesses have called into the police station within the past few minutes, claiming to have come into contact with an escaped patient of the local insane asylum."
The woman disappeared and was replaced by an image of a young man in a business suit who looked about Joe's height. Joe recognized him as the man he had asked directions from no more than twenty minutes ago.
"I was just walking down the street, coming home from work at the power plant"--Joe wondered what a "power plant" was--"and this kid came up to me and asked where he was. He was dressed in a cowboy outfit and had a pair of chaps slung over his shoulder." Joe felt his face grow hot and his fingers instantly tightened around his chaps.
Then, another image popped up on the boxes. This time, it was of a short, black-haired woman with a tight black dress on. Normally, Joe's mouth would have watered at the sight of such a beautiful woman. But this time, his mouth went dry as he recognized the person as one of the customers at the Ponderosa Steakhouse, Hop Sing's new restaurant. She said, "I was eating dinner with my husband at the "Ponderosa Steakhouse" when we both saw this young man, staring at us through the window! Well, of course, we informed the police right away. He was obviously a lunatic!"
Joe gulped and continued staring at the black boxes, keeping his face hidden from the people that passed behind him.
The blond woman appeared on the boxes again.
"Research proves that there is a patient who has recently escaped from the insane asylum. He has a record for being a dangerous person, so, if you know anything about the whereabouts of this young man, please contact the police immediately. And now, back to our regularly scheduled program."
Joe couldn't watch anymore as his own figure and Adam's returned to the boxes. He walked away down the sidewalk as quickly as he could, keeping his face hidden as much as possible. It wasn't easy without a hat, and Joe could have sworn he made a few men feel like walloping him and a few women feel like screaming.
Joe knew he had to get out of this strange Eastern city, but he had no idea how to get home. He obviously couldn't rent a horse or wagon at the livery stable now, not with the world thinking he was an escaped nut. Joe wasn't even sure this place had a livery stable.
Joe walked for what seemed like forever until he finally realized how hungry he was; he hadn't eaten since lunch and even then he hadn't had a lot because he was so anxious to start breaking the horses. And even if he did have money, he would be turned over to the police--whoever he was--while trying to buy food. Joe figured that the police was somebody like a Sheriff.
And if I steal, I'll just be arrested anyway, Joe added miserably.
As he continued to walk, Joe found himself thinking of his family.
Adam wasn't always Joe's favorite person, which was emphasized by the scene on the ten black boxes in the window. But Adam was someone Joe could depend on and turn to whenever he was in trouble with his Pa. Adam had almost been like a second father to Joe--except when he started a fight with him.
Then there was Hoss. Hoss was the family member Joe was most compatible with. Neither knew why, maybe the closeness in their ages, but whatever the reason, Hoss was always there to save Joe's "miserable hide". Joe smiled sadly to himself. He remembered Hoss had last said that to him was when Joe had stuck a few tadpoles in the bathtub with him. No matter what Joe did, he knew Hoss would always forgive him.
Joe had been gone for more than a few hours. Ben must really be missing him by now. Maybe it was his position as the youngest, but Ben seemed more protective toward Joe than to his other sons. Joe felt tears stinging in his eyes as he thought of how worried his Pa must be by now.
What had he done to deserve this? Surely none of his practical jokes had been enough to condemn him to a lifetime in this strange new city? All Joe wanted was to go home, to see his father and brothers again.
Finally, overcome with exhaustion and grief, Joe lay down in an alley and cried himself to sleep.
--------------
"He's been out for a long time, hasn't he, Pa?" Hoss asked, looking down at his unconscious brother.
"Yes," Ben murmured. Actually, it seemed as if Joe had been unconscious for longer than just a long time. Adam had gone to sleep about an hour ago so he could take his turn keeping watch by morning. Unknown to his boys, Ben had no intention of going to sleep until Little Joe had woken up and he knew his son was okay. And, unknown to Ben, Hoss had every intention of dragging his father to his room and hog-tying him to the bed if he had to. All three of the Cartwright boys knew how their father was when one of them was sick or injured.
"How long did Doc Martin say that drug was gonna work on Little Joe?"
"Twenty-four hours, Hoss. Twenty-four long hours."
"You're beginning to sound like Shortshanks: impatient," Hoss commented with a little smile. Ben smiled back and continued watching Little Joe for the slightest move.
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Joe woke late the next morning. He looked around, hoping beyond hope that he was in his own bed in his own home. Even Adam's shaking him awake would have been welcome right then. But everything was just as it had been: noisy wagons and tall buildings with unusual items inside. And, worst of all, everyone thought he was crazy!
Joe stood up and sighed. He was really hungry now, and thirsty, too. I've got to get home, and I will, even if I have to walk every step of the way! Joe thought determinedly. He glanced around outside the alley where he had spent the night, making sure there wasn't anyone there. Unfortunately, the streets were already lined with people. Joe decided there was no time like the present and hurried out onto the street, acting as normally as possible.
He walked past a few more stores--"RadioShack", "Office Max", "Toys R Us". Next to Toys R Us, there was a restaurant called "Applebee's". Joe peered inside the window and saw several people cooking steaks or making some other wonderful-looking food. Joe's stomach rumbled loudly as he stared at the food.
That was when Joe remembered about Hop Sing running the "Ponderosa Steakhouse" about a mile from where he now stood. If Joe could possibly find his way back there and was able to sneak in, maybe Hop Sing would give him something to eat! No matter what Joe had done to infuriate the cook--even if it was Joe's own fault that Hop Sing had left--he surely wouldn't refuse if Joe asked him for something. Content with this idea, Joe trotted off in search of the "Ponderosa Steakhouse".
New Britain is much larger than Virginia City, however, and Joe was soon lost. His first impulse was to ask for directions, but then he remembered the city's opinion of his brain and pressed on, getting hungrier by the second.
Finally, when Joe felt as if he might collapse from hunger, someone tapped his shoulder none too gently. Joe turned around and stared into the face of a huge man with a blue suit. A gun belt rested securely on his hips. At least somebody has a little sense around here!
"Excuse me," Joe said, being as polite as he could. "Am I in your way?"
"No, but you'll have to come with me. I'm going to take you home," the man in the blue suit said. Joe's suspicions were aroused.
"How are you supposed to get me to Nevada? We're in Connecticut, remember?" Joe asked.
The man put on a big friendly smile that was obviously a phony and said, "I know, but we'll get there in my squad car as quick as you please. Hop in now, laddy." Joe was still suspicious and even more so when the blue-suited man took him gently by the arm and led him to a black-and-white wagon with colored lights that were silently blinking on the roof of it. Joe thought it looked interesting, but didn't want to get in it.
"On second thought, maybe I'll just find my way to Nevada myself. Thanks, good-bye," Joe tried to make his getaway, but the man continued to hold Joe's arm.
"Of course you will, of course you will," the man said pleasantly, still keeping his firm hold on Joe's arm. By this time, some passers-by had begun to look at the scene curiously.
The man opened the door and gently shoved Joe inside. "There you are. Now just relax and I'll take you home, alright? Alright!"
Joe struggled a little bit as the man shoved him in. He landed on a soft, brown buckboard and sat staring at the glass in front of him. The man who had taken him prisoner sat down next to him and slammed the door to the wagon shut. Joe noticed he had a door on his side, too, and made a move to open it. Once again, the man grabbed his arm.
"Don't you worry about the door, laddy," the man said, still being overly-pleasant. "I'm going to lock it then nobody will be able to hurt you." Joe watched with growing horror as the man in the blue suit moved to push a little button on the large, desk-like object in front of them. He realized that his last hope of escape would leave as soon as that button was pushed. Everything seemed to move in slow motion for Joe. Then, like he had done so many times in his life, Joe made a decision that he hadn't completely thought through.
Joe shoved the man out the unlocked door and took his seat, slamming the door shut again and pushing the "lock" button. Then he had another problem to face: how did you operate this strange-looking wagon?? There must have been millions of buttons and pictures all over the place! Noticing a key near the wheel in front of him, Joe cautiously twisted it.
The wagon seemed to come to life before his eyes. A roaring sound made Joe jump, and the wagon began vibrating. For a moment, Joe was scared. Then he saw the blue-suited man leap up from where he had landed on the ground and try to smash the window. Joe moved his foot forward a little more, like he did when driving a regular wagon. His foot hit the accelerator pedal, and the wagon sped off at what seemed like an alarming rate to Joe, although it was little more than forty or fifty miles an hour.
"STOP!" He could just barely make out the voice of the man he had thrown out of the car. Joe was going at a much faster speed than he would in one of the wooden wagons at home. Even his beloved horse, Cochise, could never have kept up with this machine!
"How do you work this thing?" Joe muttered, gripping the wheel in front of him. He realized that the wheel turned, and that the wagon moved with it. "Alright!" He leaned back on the upholstered buckboard, relaxing a bit. "This isn't as hard as I—AAUUGH!"
Joe jerked the wheel violently as he almost came into contact with a long, green post that said "Stop" on it. Joe tried earnestly to stop; he would have liked nothing better, but wound up going faster by the second.
Just as he breathed a sigh of relief, Joe collided with several garbage cans and scattered trash all over the street. The owner wasn't too happy with Joe after that, and quickly summoned the police about a drunk driver.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all!! Joe thought as he just barely managed to avoid a woman walking her dog. She screamed and the dog barked after him loudly. That scared Joe into jerking the wheel back in the direction from which he had come from. He gasped as the blue-suited man came into view, running straight toward him and yelling, "STOP!" Unfortunately, Joe had no idea how to stop. It obviously wasn't as simple as a tug on the reins.
Over the course of the next few minutes (which seemed like hours to Joe), the unlicensed driver managed to nearly smash into a couple of store windows, a crowd of people crossing the street, two dog-walkers, a children's playground and the man in the blue suit. Joe also successfully destroyed five garbage cans, a fence, three "STOP" signs, a fire hydrant (which soon flooded the street) and six chunks of sidewalk.
"How do you stop this thing?" Joe asked himself while narrowly avoiding his third dog-walker.
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"Hey, Pa, I think he's startin' to wake up!" Hoss shook his father, who had dozed off in his chair while watching Joe. Ben woke with a start and looked down at his son. Joe was indeed beginning to squirm a little bit. His hands twitched in front of him and he looked as if he could wake up any minute.
"Well, it's been twenty-four hours. I should hope he's starting to wake up!" Adam said from the doorway. He entered the room and stood next to Hoss, waiting...
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Meanwhile, still unaware of the concern of his father and brothers, Joe was having his own problems. He had just missed hitting another colored wagon that looked like his own, except the lights on top were blinking rapidly and making an awful sound. Joe plugged his ears, but soon found this was a bad idea when he ran over a garbage can lid that had flown out to the middle of the street. The owner of the can, hearing the ruckus, came outside and saw his smooshed lid and the out-of-control car. He began yelling and stomping and went off to inform the police of Joe's antics.
"Get me outta this thing!" Joe yelled, even though no one could hear him. He pressed harder on what he thought might be the brakes, and soon discovered he was sadly mistaken—it was the accelerator, and Joe went even faster, much to his panic.
Just as Joe thought he couldn't take much more of the strange machine, a little square object in front of him began talking:
"Where are you, Sergeant? Have you found that runaway lunatic yet?" a gruff, male voice asked. Joe leapt about a foot in the air, banging his head on the roof and making the wagon wheels screech loudly.
"Sergeant?! What do you think you're doing? What's your position? Answer me!" the voice barked, obviously annoyed with the silence of who he thought was 'Sergeant'.
Joe didn't know what to do. He should answer, out of courtesy for the voice, but Joe was not who the little square thought he was. Or maybe strangers to Connecticut were always called 'Sergeant'? Maybe the little square had eyes, and could see what he was doing? Joe shuddered. He definitely didn't like the way things were turning out.
Taking control of the wheel with his left hand, Joe reached over and picked up the square. There was a button on the side. Joe pushed it. A funny noise came from the device. Unknown to Joe, it was static.
"Who invented a stupid machine like this anyway?!" Joe asked the square, his voice going up an octave. "A person could get KILLED trying to operate it!!"
"What was that, Sergeant? And don't you shout at me!"
"How do you work this thing?!" Joe asked the voice, his voice quieter but still higher than usual.
"What do you mean, 'how do you work this thing?' You got your drivers' license twenty years ago! Now quit fooling around and get that nut back to the asylum before I discharge you!"
Joe sighed and put the square back where had found it, letting his attention stray from the road in front of him.
As soon as Joe looked up again, he realized he was in big trouble. He had driven onto the grass in a large park when he wasn't looking. There was now a large oak tree in his path, no more than three yards away. Joe screamed and tried to avoid it, but it was no use. If I ever get out of here, I'm NEVER coming to the East again!
That was the last thing Joe remembered before he hit the oak tree with full force, destroying the car and knocking himself out.
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Ben, Adam and Hoss watched as Joe's eyes fluttered open. He gazed around at them with big, curious eyes.
"Pa?"
"I'm here, son."
"What happened?"
"You fell off a horse," Ben explained gently. "According to Adam, you got a pretty good hit on the head."
"No, I mean..." Joe's voice trailed off. The truth was that he did exactly know what he meant. "I mean... Hop Sing, and... Connecticut and..."
"Connecticut?" Adam repeated. "You've never even seen Connecticut. You've never been anywhere farther than San Francisco, for that matter... What are you talking about?"
"Well, you see..." and Joe went on to explain exactly what had happened to him over the past day-and-a-half. By the time he was through, Adam and Hoss looked as though they were ready to burst with laughter.
"Black boxes that have you an' Adam arguing in 'em and tell ya that you're crazy?" Hoss spluttered with a huge smile. "Hop Sing leavin' and startin' a restaurant? Boy, you know I'd never allow Hop Sing to do anythin' like that!"
"Hey, Pa, didn't Doc Martin say something about sending someone for him if there were any unexpected problems? Well, I think this might count as an 'unexpected problem'!" Adam said, trying to contain his laughter. Joe glared at them.
"Well, I told you what I know, and if you don't believe me, fine!" Joe replied loudly. He regretted his outburst when it made his head throb mercilessly. Must be from crashing into that tree.
"Now, Joe," Ben began, fighting a smile without much luck. "You have to admit that all those things you told us about are a little far-fetched. And you know that Hop Sing would never leave, even if he does threaten to go back to China often enough."
Joe relaxed slightly.
"Yeah, I guess it was pretty silly," he finally agreed with a smile. "After all, who ever heard of wagons made of metal with solid roofs on 'em?"
All the Cartwrights laughed.
The End
Soooo... what WAS that song Joe heard in the wagon??? It's called 'Careless Love', obviously... aw, c'mon, you know it! ::grins mischeiviously, then wonders if 'mischeiviously' is spelled right::