34. Falling

16 May 2002

Have fortified myself with drink. The idiom obviously has little bearing on reality.

Harry still not home.

17 May 2002

blood everywhere. dark ugly dishonest death has a curious smell

my voice is gone - think the same is true of my throat

that explains part of the smell in any case

why do I ((bloodstain))

I am a dead man writing

my dishonest heart is gone ((impossible to transcribe))

20 May 2002

He just went through the banisters. Hadn't meant to push so hard. Was so blinded by rage, didn't even see where we were.

He was leaving me. I grabbed him. He pushed me. I pushed back.

Then there was falling, falling

He just fell and fell and fell and my spells wouldn't work in this dead shadow of a castle.

Then there was blood.

I couldn't move.

I moved him to our Room today. Carried him all the way up. Gobble won't stop moaning.

I am lost without him. My vision is clouded with darkness.

He's gone.

And I'm dead.