Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. TICS: I do now own a very nice neck brace and a bottle of painkillers that could drop an Oliphaunt. Unfortunately, this means that I may make a few spelling mistakes now and then, so please have patience. Legolas: Oh, so now we're supposed to be patient with you? After everything you've done to us? Not a snowball's chance in the Pits of Mordor. TICS: It's a good thing I'm on medication, Lego, or you'd be dancing Swan Lake in nothing but a pink tutu and a smile right about now. Legolas: Eep.

A/N: Tongue In Cheek Scribe here again...it's my turn to play with the twins, so here goes...BTW, did you notice that my initials spell TICS? ...that figures.

Chapter 4

Daddy Dearest

Meanwhile, back in Middle Earth...

Elrond the Half-Elven stood in front of the Last Homely House, teeth and hands clenched tightly, his face a mask of fury. He couldn't remember the last time he was this angry...well, maybe when Elendil refused to drop the One Ring into the fires of Mt. Doom...but this ran a close second.

"What do you mean they went into Mordor? What do you mean they are nowhere to be found? I want them found NOW!" he thundered at the Elves who knelt before him.

"Lord Elrond...we've searched everywhere they normally hide when they've pulled one of their stunts, but they are not to be found!"

"Then look where they wouldn't normally hide! They are my sons, and I want them brought home NOW! MOVE! GO! RUN!"

The Elves took off running, relieved to have escaped with their fair Elven hides intact. Elrond was normally a calm, collected, and decent fellow...but not at this particular moment, and never when his sons were concerned.

"What am I going to do with those two? I can't let them out of my sight for more than a moment before they hatch some harebrained scheme and take off. Then I get stuck doing damage control! Celebrian must have had an affair before they were born...they couldn't possibly be of my loins..."

"Elrond."

Elrond spun around, looking for whoever had called him, but he was quite alone...no Elf would dare voluntarily approach him in his current state.

"Elrond...up here."

Elrond looked up, and saw a cloud shaped like a man's head in the sky above him.

"I am Manwe, Elrond. For centuries the Valar have watched your two cretin sons wreak havoc on whomever they pleased, and your efforts to control them have been ineffectual, at best. We have decided to take matters into our own hands, and have sent the two of them away from Middle Earth. They will be returned to you only after they have learned a lesson and shown maturity."

"You did WHAT?" Elrond's face turned purple, as he bellowed up to the sky. "Where did you send my boys? They are but Elflings!"

"They are of age, Elrond. They should have learned how to behave a century and a half ago."

"They are BABIES! MY BOYS! Do you realize that I have been worried SICK about them? What right do you have to intervene in my PERSONAL family life?" Elrond bellowed, spitting in his fury.

"We are the VALAR, for Eru's sake...we can do as we please! Now I know why the boys are the way they are...you are quite out of control. I believe you're starting to foam at the mouth..."

"BRING THEM BACK NOW!" Elrond boomed, not in the least bit intimidated by Manwe.

A lightning bolt hit the ground next to Elrond, singeing his robes. Evidently, the Valar are very fond of using lightning to make a point.

Elrond beat out the smoldering hem of his robes, then took a deep breath. "Alright, alright...maybe they do need a lesson. Maybe I have been too soft on them - but they're so young! Full of high spirits...I just couldn't bring myself to punish them too severely when they looked at me with those big puppy eyes..."

"Which is why we decided to step in, Elrond. You are a good ruler for your people, but you have no strength of will when it comes to your sons. Or your daughter, for that matter - letting her marry that mortal, Aragorn - but that's another story."

"It's killing me to think that they are all alone in a strange land...no food, no water...please, mighty Manwe, at least send someone to watch out for them...make sure they don't hurt themselves..."

"Hurt someone else is more like it...alright. I will send a few of our stronger heroes after them...just to make sure they don't blow up the world we placed them in. Now, the question becomes, who should I send? I will not send you - you have a poor history of dealing with them as it is."

Manwe didn't notice the look of relief on Elrond's face - he loved his boys, but didn't really want to be sent after them. Who knew what conditions they would have to face? He preferred to rant and rave from the comfort of his own home.

Continuing his train of thought, Manwe said, "Perhaps Haldir...he has shown himself able to keep his head in a crisis...and Legolas...he's a good shot. Of course, I'll need to send the Dwarf, Gimli, with him - those two are attached at the hip lately. I believe I'll also send the Hobbits, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin - they're good at getting in and out of tight places. Plus, they're just so damn cute, no one seems to be able to refuse them anything. So shall it be..."

Thundered rumbled as the Manwe cloud dissipated, leaving Elrond once again alone in front of the Last Homely House. He walked inside, and slowly up the stairs that led to private chambers, his mind in turmoil. He missed his boys, and was worried about them. Now he was also worried about the ones Manwe was going to send after the twins. Not because he didn't think the heroes couldn't survive in a different world, but because he feared they couldn't survive his sons.

Feeling the need for a bath to calm his nerves, he called for one to be drawn for him. Stepping over to the wardrobe, he opened the door to select a dressing robe. His hand froze in midair, as he stared at the clothes hanging in the wardrobe. "Who seeks to torture me? Have I not told everyone - NO WIRE HANGERS?" he shouted. His voice echoed throughout the halls of the Last Homely House.

Haldir had just returned from an overnight hunting trip deep within the forest of Lothlorien. He sighed as he sat on the edge of his bed, pulling off his boots. Wiggling his toes, he rubbed the soreness out of his arches. Elves needed little sleep, but Haldir thought he could probably do with several hours worth after spending the night crouched behind a tree waiting for a deer to approach within shooting distance. His jaw cracked with a mighty yawn, and he stretched out on his pallet. Staring at the ceiling, he was just beginning to feel himself drift off, when a voice called his name.

"Haldir...the Valar are sending you on a mission. You will go to another world, and keep an eye on Elrond's twin sons."

"Oh, no...no, not the twins...please, anything but the twins! The last time I saw them they set my hair on fire! Do you know how many bald jokes I had to listen to? It took me decades to grow it back!"

"Nonetheless, you will go. You will not be alone...we will send others with you. Your job is only to watch and make sure they don't destroy anything important to the continuing existence of that world."

Haldir didn't have time to respond before he found himself no longer on his pallet in Lorien, but laying on the white sand of a beach, waves licking at his bare feet.

Legolas and Gimli were having a discussion. All right - it was more than a discussion. Legolas had Gimli pinned to the ground and had his slender fingers wrapped around the Dwarf's neck.

"For the last time...you did NOT kill more minions of Sauron than I did! I killed many more than you...that Oliphaunt I brought down held more than you killed all day!" Legolas cried, banging Gimli's head repeatedly against the ground.

"That only counted as ONE!" Gimli croaked, trying to pry Legolas' hands from his throat.

"Legolas! Stop killing Gimli!" came a voice.

Legolas paused in his efforts, and the two looked around for the source of the disembodied voice.

"It is I, Manwe of the Valar," the voice continued. "I am sending the two of you on a quest...so you had better behave yourselves! You are going to a different world to keep an eye on Elrond's twin sons."

"No! Please, not the twins! Anything but that...the last time I saw them they stole my clothes from the pond where I was bathing! I had to run through Rivendell with nothing but a handful of leaves covering my privates! Poison ivy leaves, as it turns out...I was an itching, miserable wreck for a week!"

"Aye...the last time I saw those devils they stuffed me into a box marked "Do Not Open Until Summer Solstice," - and that was in December!" Gimli added, rubbing the finger marks on his throat.

"Please - enough with the excuses! You are going, and that is that! Others will be sent along with you."

Before another word could be uttered, Legolas and Gimli found themselves lying on the white sand of a beach, looking at a bootless Haldir.

The Hobbits were drinking a toast...although what they were toasting was anyone's guess. They were completely hammered, having imbibed a great deal of both ale and pipeweed at the Prancing Pony that night.

"Merry...can you pash me tha' mug? I can't seem to reash it," Frodo asked.

'Thas 'cause you're on the floor, Mister Frodo," Sam answered for Merry, since Merry had a mouthful of ale. Unfortunately, Merry was so drunk that he had forgotten how to swallow, and most of the ale was pouring down his chin, much to his annoyance.

"Sam, do you see spiders? I see spiders. I see..." Pippin didn't finish his sentence, as he had fallen off of his chair sideways and was now lying on top of Frodo.

"Hobbits!" called a voice. "Oh, no. Trashed again, Hobbits? I'm sorry I ever allowed your ancestors to discover pipeweed! No use in going into explanations - you won't remember any of it in the morning anyway."

The hobbits barely registered that they were no longer in the Prancing Pony, but on a white sand beach with Haldir, Legolas, and Gimli.

"Does anyone see spiders? I see..." Pippin's voice trailed off as he began to snore.

A/N: Okay, Southerngirl...your turn at bat!