Disclaimer: We do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. TICS: Legolas, Southerngirl tells me that you have been misbehaving. Legolas: Lies...all lies! TICS: She said that you threatened to put an arrow through her computer. Legolas: Um...I thought the computer was, um...trying to harm her. Yeah, that's it. TICS: Then you threatened to put an arrow through her. Legolas: Oh, Great Eru... Me: You've been a naughty boy, Lego. You know what happens to naughty boys, don't you? Legolas: Please, please, please...not the breeches - ANYTHING but the breeches!

A/N: Tongue In Cheek Scribe here...it's my turn again! Yippee!

Chapter 8 Push Me - Pull You

Misha stood in the middle of the loft, watching the chaos erupt around her.

Jessie was tackling three of the Hobbits; 'Ro and 'Dan were making bets on which Hobbit Jessie was most likely to smother first, and egging on their favorites.

Sam-the-Tall was arguing with Sam-the-Old over who would be called "Sam" and Legolas was trying to keep them both from killing the other. At the moment, Sam-the-Old had jumped on Legolas' back and was trying to take a swing at Sam-the-Tall, and Sam-the-Tall was throwing punches in the general direction of Legolas' head, trying to reach Sam-the-Old.

Gimli had found a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and a jar of Skippy peanut butter. He was seated on the floor, intently watching the fight, yelling encouragement to one or the other of the Sams, guzzling wine and eating peanut butter out of the jar with his fingers.

Haldir was simply standing with his arms folded across his chest, a smug look of superiority on his face, watching the pandemonium.

"Aren't you going to do something?" Misha asked Haldir.

"No. Let them kill each other - there will be less to worry about later."

"Right. Like I'm looking forward to a lightning bolt up my ass from your friends, the Valar..." Misha said sarcastically, giving Haldir a push.

"Did you just push me?" Haldir said incredulously, a look of surprise on his face.

"Get out of my way!" Misha stormed, wading into the fray. She picked up Jessie by the scruff of her neck, pulling her away from the three Hobbits who were curled up in little quivering balls on the rug.

"I am amending the house rules to "No Touching the Elves OR the Hobbits!" Misha said firmly, setting Jessie down.

"You never let me have any fun," Jessie whined, sticking out her tongue at Misha.

"I cannot believe she had the audacity to push me," Haldir said to no one in particular.

Ignoring both Jessie and Haldir, she went next to 'Ro and 'Dan. "You two! In the corner, now!" She grabbed their pointed ears and marched them forward, standing them in opposite corners, facing the blank wall. "DO NOT MOVE!" For once in their lives, the twins actually obeyed.

"No one has EVER pushed me and lived to tell the tale," Haldir growled, suddenly realizing that not only did someone push him, but that that someone was a female...a human female.

Picking Gimli up from under the arms, Misha neatly deposited him, wine, peanut butter and all, in the kitchen sink.

"You PUSHED me!" Haldir bellowed, eyes shooting sparks at Misha.

"YOU!" She bellowed at Sam-the-Tall, still ignoring Haldir. "Have you lost what few marbles you have left rattling around in that empty head of yours? Do you WANT those Valar guys to turn you into Sizzlean? It's just a freakin' name...DEAL WITH IT!" she yelled, directing the last statement at both Sams.

"YOU PUSHED ME!" Haldir finally exploded, walking over to stare down at Misha with wild eyes. "No one EVER pushes me, woman!"

"Look, Elfboy...I have a headache the size of Gondor, and if you don't back off, I may very well have to put a serious hurt on you!"

"Put a hurt on me? ON ME? Woman, I can rip you in half without breaking a sweat! Apologize at once!"

"I have a NAME, you pointy-eared moron, and the day you're able to rip me apart is the day Mordor freezes over! I will NOT apologize to some overbearing, smug-assed, Keebler-elf wanna-be!"

"Please, perhaps we all need a moment to calm down..." Legolas said, trying to diffuse the situation.

"SHUT UP, LEGOLAS!" Misha and Haldir both screamed. They continued to glare at each other, fists clenched tightly, breathing heavily.

A sudden crash from the direction of the kitchen distracted them all.

Gimli had fallen off the counter, and had taken most of the dishes and glasses with him. He was sitting on the floor in a heap of broken shards, holding the wine jug and peanut butter jar over his head.

"Saved the wine...and this sticky sweet stuff," he said proudly, already slightly tipsy. "Methinks we should all have a drink...we're not here five minutes, and yer at each other's throats!"

"Gimli's right...we need to find someway to get along, if we're all going to be stuck here together for who knows how long..." Sam-the-Tall said.

"Alright, alright..." Misha said. Looking sideways at Haldir, she muttered under her breath, "I'm sorry I pushed you."

"What? I didn't quite hear that..." Haldir said smugly, cupping his hand to his pointed ear.

"I thought Elves had super-acute hearing...oh, fine!" Misha said sarcastically. She stood on her tiptoes to reach Haldir's ear. "I said I was SORRY!" she screamed.

Haldir jumped back, holding his ear. "First she pushes me, and now she seeks to deafen me!" He still had a slight smile on his face because he had made her apologize.

"Look, we're going to need to go to work, Sam," Misha said, giving up on besting Haldir.

"Work?" Sam-the-Old said, looking confused.

"Not you, Sam...the other Sam," Misha explained, pointing to Sam-the-Tall.

"See? I told you we were gonna have a problem with the name thing!" Sam-the-Tall said petulantly. "We need to call him something else.

"My name is Sam, and that is all I will answer to," Hobbit-Sam put in stubbornly.

"Please don't start again...my head couldn't take it," Misha implored the two Sams. "What are we going to do with these guys while we're working the store?"

"Where do you work, Misha?" asked Legolas, having gotten over being told to shut up.

"We run a tourist attraction down off of I-95. It's just a crappy little combination souvenir store and petting zoo, but it's all ours."

"I suppose we can take them with us...they can help us do inventory in the back room. As long as they stay away from the tourists, it should be okay," Female-Sam said, "it's beats leaving them here for the Dragonlady to find."

"I guess...okay, head count! Legolas, Gimli, Sam 1, Frodo, Pippin, Merry, Jessie, Haldir-the-horrible, Sam2...hey, aren't we missing a couple?" Misha said, scanning the room.

"Where are Elladan and Elrohir?" Haldir asked.

A quick search of the apartment turned up nothing. The twins had vanished.