Disclaimer: We don't own LOTR, or any of its characters. Legolas: Just to warn you two - you're playing with fire. Elladan: Geez, Legolas, you sound like you're afraid of them. Legolas: I'm not afraid of anything - except them. Elrohir: The door is locked. Neither one of them can get in here. Haldir: Don't do it, 'Ro - they'll make you very sorry. Elrohir: TICS and SG are nothing but a pair of helpless, clueless, mortal women, who wouldn't know a real Elf if he came up and bit them on the ass! TICS: REALLY? Elladan: Oh, Great Eru, how did you get in here? TICS: I'm nothing but a helpless, clueless, mortal woman - I picked the locked, you idiot! Legolas, Haldir - tell the twins what they've won! Legolas and Haldir: An all expense paid trip to Bareass City. TICS: That's right! Drop 'em, boys.

Chapter 12

Mustang Danny

Sam stared openmouthed at the suave looking hunk-in-a-suit filling her doorway. Elladan reached around, put one finger under her chin, and closed her mouth.

"I believe Sam needs to change into something more suitable. She'll only be a moment," he said, slamming the door in Mr. Suit's face, catching the bouquet of flowers in the doorjam.

"Hey! I need to go to dinner with that tonight!" Sam said, reaching for the doorknob.

"No, you don't. You need to be more discriminating about the men you date. This one left a slime trail all the way down the hallway."

"I'm going to get dressed. He had better still be behind Door Number One when I get back!" Sam hissed, stomping off toward the bedroom.

"You really shouldn't do that, 'Dan. She has this thing about dating the wrong guys for the wrong reasons. I think she actually likes it. If you get in her way, she'll put a hurt on you," Misha warned, shaking her head.

"Remember what she did to you at the beach, 'Dan," Elrohir interjected, feigning getting punched in the jaw, spinning around and falling to the floor.

"That was a sucker punch. I just wasn't expecting it" 'Dan retorted, putting his nose in the air. "Besides, the only reason this fathead is here is because he saw Sam in anindelicate postion."

"Tall Sam? Our Tall Samwhat did she do?" asked Old Sam, cocking his head at 'Dan.

"She went swimming in the Mayor's swimming pool in front of about a billion people the other night, Fathead included."

"So? There are even some Hobbits who like to swimalthough they are also considered a bit strange"

"Sam was naked at the time."

"Oh" Old Sam blushed to the roots of his blonde curly hair. Even his feet blushed.

"Who the woman dates is none of our affair, Elladan. Keep out of it!" Haldir said, from his place on the couch. Legolas just nodded in agreement; too tired from the mauling he received from the fangirls to actually expend energy by saying anything.

"Fine," Elladan growled, opening the door again. Andy McDonald, the mayor's son was still standing behind the door, with a slightly befuddled look on his arrogant puss.

'Dan put on a huge, fake grin. "Please come inSam will be ready in just a minute." He held the door open wide enough for both the suit and the fathead inside it to enter.

Andy stood between Elladan and Elrohir. The twins stared at him with their identical piercing gray eyes, arms crossed over their chests.

"So, Mr. McDonaldI'm sorry, what was your first name again?" Elladan asked, in an overly polite voice, "Was it Old, or Ronald?"

"Andy," the mayor's son answered with a frown.

"So sorry, Andy. Where will you be taking our Sam this evening?"

"Dinner at the fundraiser, and dancing at Club Samba. Afterwardwho knows? Maybe breakfast at my place," he said with a sneer, baiting Elladan.

"Sounds delightful," Elladan had spent too many centuries baiting everyone in Middle Earth to fall for it. He was an expert at it. "I'm sure you'll both have a wonderful time."

Sam stepped out of the bedroom, decked out in a black sequined, skintight mini dress, and high-heeled black pumps. She had swept her hair up in a classy chignon, and had even applied a bit of make-up.

"Whoa" Sam (the old) said, looking up at Sam (the tall), "Who are you and what did you do to our Sam?"

Sam (the tall) walked right by him, and everyone else who was staring at her with dropped jaws, and, without saying a word, grabbed Andy's arm, shoved the bouquet of dented flowers into Misha's hands, and swept out of the room without a backward glance.

"Yup. She's pissed. You had better be nowhere in sight when she gets back," Misha warned 'Dan, staring at the closed door. She walked into the kitchen to prepare dinner. In other words, she was going to pick up the phone and order pizza.

The two other Elves, the Dwarf, and the Hobbits were currently engrossed in watching an odd box in the living room that showed moving pictures. Currently, they were watching a man in a huge black helmet with a breathing condition tell a shorter, younger man that he was, in fact, his father.

Jessie was sitting wedged between Frodo and Merry, and an army of Uruk hai couldn't have budged her from her Hobbit sandwich.

'Dan looked at 'Ro, arching an eyebrow and doing that eerie 'twin' mind reading thing. 'Ro nodded, and went in search of Misha's purse. Finding it thrown on a chair near the door, he quickly searched through it, pulling out Misha's car keys. Quietly, the twins slipped out the door.

"Do you really think you can do this, 'Dan?" Ro asked as they reached Misha's classic red Mustang.

"Of course, "Roif a mortal can do it, so can I," he replied haughtily. "You just push down on the one thingy to go, and push down on the other thingy to stop. The round thingy tells the beast where to go."

"How are we going to find them?"

"Orcbreath mentioned Club Samba. I remember passing that on the way to the store this morning. It isn't far from here." 'Dan opened the door and got in behind the wheel.

"Okay. She stuck this shiny thing in here," he said, sticking the key in the ignition. Nothing happened.

"I believe she may have twisted it a bit, 'Dan," Elrohir said helpfully.

Elladan twisted the key, and the engine roared to life. "See? Simple. Then she pulled on this lever," he continued, pulling on the shifter.

"What do those letters mean, 'Dan?" Elrohir asked, pointing at the P, R, N, D, 1 and 2 on the console.

"Do I look like I can read all the languages of the universe, 'Ro?" Elladan replied, looking irritably at his twin. His foot hit the gas and the car shot backwards, knocking over a pair of garbage cans, scattering debris all over the road.

"Ooops." He pulled the lever down another notch. The car didn't move. He pulled the lever down still another notch, and the car shot forward.

"ARGHHHH!" The twins screamed together, as Elladan tried steering the car down the road. He hit the brake - hard. The airbags deployed, knocking the two of them senseless for a moment.

"Oh, manwhat is it about this world and getting hit in the face?" Elladan moaned, rubbing his nose.

After a few more false starts, 'Dan was actually able to get the hang of keeping the car on the blacktop, without hitting anything. Fortunately for the twins it wasn't far to Club Samba, and there was no other traffic on the street - since the twins had no idea what a "Stop" sign or a traffic light was.

They pulled up in front of the Club, and 'Dan put the shifter back to its original position. Removing the keys, they left the car and entered the double doors of the Club to wait for Sam.

Sam knew from the moment she stepped out of the apartment that this date was a BIG mistake. She had walked right into the Dragonlady's trap. However, she also knew that there was no way she could let a couple Elven highbrows run her love life. Looking up at Andy, driving his Porsche with a smirk, she wondered whether she had picked the worst of the two evils.

The fundraiser was just as boring as she had known it would be. Dragonlady and her mate, the Wimpmeister, were there, and Sam spent the better part of the early evening avoiding both of them at all costs.

She was greatly relieved when Andy suggested that they leave for Club Samba. She didn't particularly want to go dancing with him, but she was tired of ducking behind the ice sculpture every time her parents wandered too close. She felt like a jack-in-the-box.

Pulling up to Club Samba, Sam noticed the red mustang parked in front. "Funny, that looks like Misha's carnaw, it couldn't be" It was too dark to read the plate, and by then Andy was opening her door.

They walked into the Club, immediately assaulted by the swirling lights and throbbing music. Sam noticed a huddle of women on the dance floor, and wondered what kind of funky new dance they were doing. When Andy left her for a moment to get them a couple of drinks, she decided to investigate.

Trying to peer over the heads of the women who were jostling each other trying to get to something in the middle of the cluster, Sam could pick out two dark heads bobbing up and down. Pushing her way through the crowd of females, she gasped, her eyes widening.

Elrohir and Elladan were the two dark heads she had glimpsed. Her first thought was "why on earth did Misha bring them here?" Her second thought was "I wonder what the Valar will do to me after I kill them both?"

A/N: Tag, SGyour turn to play!