1 a.m. at Remus' house

He wanted to know what it was about Amanda that made me want to marry her.
I was a little annoyed at the question at first, but I wasn't quite sure as to why.
It was a perfectly normal thing to ask a friend, wasn't it?
After all, Sirius, James, and me had been friends for ages. Practically all of our lives.
At least the parts of our life we could remember.

I remembered when I first came to Hogwarts, seeing that darkhaired boy on the train,
and then another one beside him, with glasses.
I sort of wondered then if we were going to be friends. I liked the look of them.
But I didn't know then what kind of friends we were to become.
This friendshsip had lasted all through our schoolyears, graduation, our very first jobs... everything.

And yet I felt strange somehow about answering this one question he had asked me.
Why?

I kept repeating this question in my head for several sleepless nights in a row,
until I finally thought I had found the answer.
But the answer seemed to puzzle me even more than the question had.
It created a whole new range of questions, seemingly without any sensible answers.
Had I really been in love with this person, one of my best friends, for all this time?
Well, there had been times when...
I had already accepted that Sirius was slightly more than just a friend to me.
Not in the romantic sense, no, at least I hadn't admitted that to myself.
But, I did have an even stronger bond with him than with any of my other friends, even James.
I was quite certain he felt it too, but, could there have been even more from his side?
Had he meant something with that question, that I hadn't fully understood until now?
I don't know what posessed me, but I felt I must have the answer soon... at once, in fact.
I was getting married in a few weeks, and now this had hit me like a ton of bricks.
What the hell was I supposed to do?

Just ignore it and go on with my life - never asking and never knowing, for sure?
No, I had to know, even if I was going to embarass myself,
and the man who was supposed to be best man at my wedding.
I had to do it, I had to know if he loved me.
But then, if he said no,
and I had been quite prepared to leave Amanda for him,
then where would that leave her and I?
There couldn't be a wedding now anyhow, I supposed.
If I was so seriously questioning our whole relationship because of this
(somewhat silly and far-fetched) notion,
than how could there be anything for us, beyond this?