Disclaimer: We do not own LOTR, or any of its characters - is this starting to sound familiar to you? Haldir: Okayeverybody was naked in that last chapter. What is wrong with you two writers? TICS: Don't look at me - that was SG's fault. Besides, not everybody was nakedI seem to remember that you were the only Elf in his birthday suit. Haldir: Well, lucky, lucky me. TICS: Sarcasm, Oh Arrogant One? Somebody needed to take you down a peg. Haldir: If you remember, I wasn't the one screaming. TICS: Well, let's just see what I can do about that in this chapter

A/N: Hey, hey! Tongue In Cheek Scribe heremy turn again! Many thanks to our reviewers! Did anyone see the movie "Starsky and Hutch?" There was only one good line in that movie, and I'm appropriating it. I changed it just a tad, though. I don't own it, but I figure they owe me $8.50 for the movie ticket I wasted and for two hours of my life that I'll never get back.

Chapter 14

When Good Elves Go Bad

Jessie ran out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, still screaming at the top of her lungs. She ran straight into Legolas, who was still a lovely shade of magenta, knocking both of them down on the floor. Elladan and Elrohir ran out of Sam-the-tall's bedroom, tripping over Jessie and Legolas, and falling flat on their twin faces. The four of them lay on the floor in a clump.

Gimli, having been awoken by the all the screaming, came charging out of the living room, axe in hand. He stopped short at the sight of the four bodies piled up on the floor.

"Either ye all be dead, or ye all be doing something methinks I don't want to know about" he said, raising a busy eyebrow, and leaning on his axe handle.

"We just tripped, Gimli," Elrohir tried to explain. "That's all that happened."

"Uh, huh. Then tell me Laddie, why is Miss Jessie in a towel?"

"She was taking a shower with Haldir."

"I WAS NOT!" Jessie screamed, sitting up holding the towel closed with one hand, and punching Elrohir with the other.

"Has anyone ever told you that you have an anger management problem?" Elrohir said, rubbing his arm. "That's gonna leave a mark!"

"Someone call me?" Haldir said, stepping out of the bathroom.

"Oh, GOD!' Jessie screamed, her eyes rolling up in her head, She fell backward on the floor with a thump.

"What? I've got a towel on," Haldir protested to the shocked looks of the still conscious foursome.

"Haldir" came Misha's voice as she stepped out of her room. "That would be a washcloth."

Haldir turned and retreated into the bathroom. Misha raised an eyebrow and watched the show every step of the way, then turned to the ones on the floor saying, "Up! Everybody UP! Elrohirwhat are you doing?"

"Giving Jessie mouth-to-mouth. I saw it on the television box today."

"Jessie does not NEED mouth-to-mouth. JESSIE is still breathing. JESSIE is not even unconscious anymore! JESSIEget up and get dressed!" Misha yelled, causing Jessie to giggle and run into her room. Misha let out a huge sigh, and walked into the kitchen to start breakfast.

An hour later, everyone managed to keep their clothes on long enough to have breakfast. Afterwards, Misha and Sam sat everyone down in the living room for a "stern talking to." In other words, the Elves, Hobbits, Gimli, and Jessie sat, while Misha and Sam took turns screaming at them.

"We need to have some new house rules. Rule #1 remains the same" Sam (the tall) said, looking directly at Jessie. "NO touching the ELVES or the HOBBITS."

Misha continued, "Rule #2" she directed her best 'you'd better listen if you know what's good for you' stare at Elladan and Elrohir, "NO leaving without permission!"

"Rule # 3KNOCK!" They said together, directing this one at Haldir, Legolas, Jessie and the twins.

"Why do we have to sit here?" asked Frodo. "Gimli and we are the only ones who haven't done anything."

"Yet. The operative word, which you seemed to forget to include in that sentence, is yet. You haven't done anything, yet," Sam (the tall) said.

"We need to go to work. Let's go" Misha said, heading for the door. When no one else moved, she looked at them with a questioning look.

"I absolutely refuse to go back to those mauling teenagers," Legolas said, folding his arms over his chest.

"You are such a wuss," Haldir said, snorting at the other blonde Elf.

"Easy for you to say, Haldiryou didn't have to go through all that pawing yesterday," Legolas retorted. "Besides, no one knows who you arethe actor playing you only had a couple of lines in those movies. And - you died, as I recall. No one could possibly want to maul you."

"Mind your tongue, Legolasif I were out in that chair, girls would be standing 10 deep waiting to get to me!" Haldir snapped, tensing his shoulders.

"Only because the line to see me would stretch halfway to Arda!" Legolas snorted, tossing his blonde mane.

"Why would anyone want to see you, you prancing nancy!" Haldir spit, looking down his nose at Legolas.

"I assure you, they'd MUCH rather see me than you, you arrogant jackass!" Legolas sneered, narrowing his eyes dangerously.

"GentleElves - please! There's no need to argue" Elladan said, smiling and putting his arms around Legolas' and Haldir's shoulders. "I'm certain we can come up with some way to settle this argument"

Two hours later, Haldir and Legolas and all four Hobbits were sitting in lawn chairs just behind the gate to the petting zoo. Elladan was collecting the money, and Elrohir was handing out tickets, Misha and Sam (the tall) were doing line control, and Gimli was acting as the bouncer. Jessie kept cutting in the Hobbit line and beating on the girls who were trying to pet Frodo, so she was sent inside to mind the store.

The line to purchase tickets to pet the Elves had stretched out of the parking lot, and down the highway, clear out of the line of sight. They had filled several large garbage bags with cash before noon.

Just after one in the afternoon, a commotion arose from around Haldir's chair. Gimli tried wading through the fangirls, but they were much bigger than he was, and he couldn't get very far.

Misha and Sam (the tall) came running when they heard Haldir start yelling, "What are you doing? That is NOT included in the ticket price! GET AWAY FROM THERE!" Girls were being flung away from the chair, sailing over the fence to land with little splats in the parking lot. Even still, there were two many girls clustered around Haldir for Misha and Sam to get through.

Misha looked up at the sky and screamed, "YOU! VALAR! The ones that tried to fry our asses on the beachDO SOMETHING!" Thunder boomed, lightning crackled, and a torrential rain fell - just over the petting zoo. Girls scattered everywhere, leaving an opening for Misha and Sam (the tall) to slip through to Haldir.

They found him trying to hold off an older woman with both hands, and having a hard time of it. Evidently, this woman meant business. Her arms were outstretched and holding on for dear life to Haldir's pants' zipper.

"DragonLady?" Misha said incredulously, while at the same time, Sam (the tall) said, "Mother?"