Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. TICS: Haldir, when will you learn not to tick SG off? Legolas: Snort! Haldir is gonna date the old broad! Snort! TICS: What are you laughing at, Lego? Haldir: Yeah, Legolas, I didn't notice anyone trying to get your pants off. Legolas: Are you crazy? Don't use the words, "pants" and "off" in the same sentence around TICS! TICS: Thank you for reminding me, Haldir. Haldir: You're welcome. Legolas: Egads.

A/N: Tongue In Cheek Scribe here againbig thanks to SG for leaving me a huge, gigantic, tremendous, Grand Canyon-sized opening for having fun with the Elves in the this chapter! YipeeI do love tormenting them so!

Thanks also to our reviewers! Without you, we'd starve and fall over dead on our keyboardsthen who would take care of our muses and plot bunnies?

Chapter 16

Twisted Twister

The ride home from the store had been horrendous. Sam (the tall) and Haldir had argued the entire way home. Gimli was sorely tempted to whack them both in the head with his axe handle.

"I can't believe I have to date a congressman's son! They are the worst! The absolute worst!" Sam (the tall) lamented, pounding her hand on the steering wheel.

"Please! Look at what I have to escort! I swear that woman had more than two hands," Haldir moaned, smashing his fist on the dashboard.

"Are you kidding? Those over-privileged snobs from Capital Hill always think that dinner comes with dessert under the sheets! Your date is peanuts compared to what I'm going to have to deal with!"

"You're insane! You only have to handle one spoiled, wealthy, well connected, sex maniacI have to date YOUR MOTHER!"

"you win. It's been nice knowing you, Haldir, but I really don't think you'll survive Friday night," Sam (the tall) said sadly, shaking her head.

Haldir sighed, "If only I could hope to dieElves can only die in battle or from weariness of the world."

"Haldir, I hate to break it to you, but a date with my mother will be a battleand you will be weary - I guarantee it."

After everyone was settled back in the apartment, Misha turned to Sam (the tall) and asked, "Where do you want to go tonight?"

"What? Go where?" Elladan asked from across the room.

"Damn those Elf earsyou are going nowhere," Misha called over, frowning.

"If you two are going, so are we! We had just as rough a day as youyou can't keep us prisoners, you know," Elrohir chimed in. Both twins stalked over to Misha and Sam.

"I wouldn't mind getting out of this apartment for awhile, either," Legolas added, looking up from the "Where's Waldo" book he was reading. "The only places we've been are to the store and heresurely there is more to your world than that!"

"You just keep looking for Waldo," Sam (the tall) said, pointing at the book.

"I find him immediately on every pagethis book is really quite dull."

"Damn those Elf eyesfind another book, then!" she snapped, pulling the book from his hands and tossing it away.

"Really, Lassies, we've done nothing but work and sleep since we got herewe need a bit of merrymaking ourselves!" Gimli gruffed, coming to stand next to the twins.

"Yes! We Hobbits are the only ones who have done nothing to displease you, and still you keep us cooped up in here. You're worse than a pair of Orcs, you are!" Frodo cried, putting his hands on his hips. Sam (the old), Merry, and Pippin jumped up to join him, assuming the same position. Jessie got down on her knees next to Pippin, with her hands on her hips, and stared at Misha and Sam (the tall), "Yeah!" she yelled, "We hobbits need a break!"

"Jessie! You are NOT a hobbit! Whose side are you on?" Sam (the tall) asked.

"That was a stupid questionthis is Jessie you're talking to!" Misha said, rolling her eyes at Sam (the tall).

Haldir looked up from the sofa and added with a smirk, "I'd be careful if I were you twoHobbits do not get angry often, but when they do"

"Look, everybodyit's just not that simple. If we take you all out as a big group, you WILL draw attention to yourselves, and I just KNOW we'll have a crapload of trouble," Misha explained. "Drunken chicks in a crowded club will make those teenagers today look like nuns!"

"Look like none of what, Misha?" asked Sam (the old).

"Not noneoh, never mind. The point is, you guys would be in WAY over your pretty heads, and there would be no way for Sam and I to get you out."

"I have an idea" Sam (the tall) said, turning to Misha. She whispered something in Misha's ear, causing Misha to grin.

"Perfect!" Misha shouted, clapping her hands. "Guys, we're going to have a party! It's perfect! We can all loosen up and have some fun, and no one has to get raped in the process."

"Jessiewhat about Jessie" Sam (the tall) asked Misha.

"If Jessie gets out of line, I'll hang her from the clothesline till the morning."

"What do we have to do for this party? Will there be decorations and presents?" asked Merry.

"Will there be food?" asked Frodo.

"Will there be dancing?" asked Sam (the old).

"Will there be ale?" asked Pippin, hopefully. The Hobbits held their collective breath for an answer.

"Yes, yes, yes, andyes! Decorations are in the hall closet. CD's are in the rack. I'll run down to the store and pick up the rest of the supplies," Misha laughed, grabbing her car keys. "You guys help Sam get the place ready, and I'll be back in a little while."

"Might I come with you? I really need some air" Legolas asked. He looked so hopeful that Misha couldn't turn him down.

"Okaybut keep the ears covered, alright?" she replied.

Misha and Legolas drove away from the curb in Misha's classic red Mustang. Legolas had his head sticking out of the window.

"Legolas, get back in here," Misha said, pulling on his shoulder, "you look like a collie with your hair blowing around like thatplus, if I drive too close to another car or truck, I'll have to explain to Sam why the Prince of Mirkwood no longer has a head."

"I am sorry, Misha. This is very exciting for methis speed is incredible! We have nothing in Arda that goes this fast! Even my horse cannot match it!" Legolas said, his eyes gleaming.

"You think this is fast? We're only doing fifty! You should see what this car can really do!" Misha laughed. She pulled onto the highway, and hit the gas. The car jumped forward and was soon flying down the road doing nearly 90.

Misha looked over at Legolas. His hands were braced on the dashboard, his eyes were wide, and his mouth was hanging open. She chuckled at his obvious surprise.

Taking the next exit, Misha pulled into the lot of the local 24-hour supermarket. Getting out the car, Legolas walked over to Misha and took her hand. He kissed it, and said, "Thank you, MiladyI am indebted for that exhibition. I will never forget it!"

"Please, Legolasdon't start with the 'milady' stuff againand give me back my hand. I do not like people drooling on my fingers," she said, grabbing her hand back. "Butyou're welcome."

Misha began to question the wisdom of bringing Legolas with her almost immediately. The Elf was overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of merchandise as soon as he walked in the door. Well, as soon as she could get him to walk in the door. That involved a long string of promises that the 'magical door that opened by itself' was safe to walk through.

She had had to chase him up and down the aisles. No sooner did he pause to take a closer look at an item, that another caught his attention, and he was off like a shot. She finally cornered him in the toy department, in the action figure aisle. He was holding a figure in his hands, with an extremely puzzled look on his face.

Turning to Misha, he said, "This toy looks like me." He held out the LOTR action figure that was labeled, "Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood."

"It's from those movies we showed youremember?"

"Ah, yesremarkable, though - look at the tiny bow and quiver!" he said, marveling at the tiny reproduction of himself. "Misha, do you think, perhaps"

"Will you promise to stay with me and not make me run all over the store anymore?"

"Yes, of course!"

"Okaywe might as well pick up one for everybody," Misha sighed, looking through the stacks for the appropriate action figures.

A short while later, they arrived back at the apartment, carrying several bags. They needed to make two more trips to the car to get everything they bought inside.

Crepe paper had been strung across the ceiling and balloons were floating all around the living room. Music was already blasting from the stereo, and Sam (the tall) had ordered pizza. Misha quickly unpacked the bags, throwing tons of junk food on the table. She handed out the action figures, and then started handing out the bottles of Bud.

Everyone started to relax. The more they drank, the more they relaxed. Two bottles: shoes came off. Three bottles: socks came off. Six bottles: Shirts came off. Ten bottles: Pants came off.

By this time, everyone was flopped on the floor or the sofa, in their underwear. After all, after 10 bottles each, it was feeling pretty warm.

Sam (the old) staggered to the closet and dragged out a cardboard box. He brought it to Jessie, and asked, "Chessie, whas this?"

"Twishterish a game. Wanna play?" Jessie asked, weaving in her seat. "Ish easyyou spin the thingy, (hic), and do what it says."

Within a few moments, Jessie and the Hobbits were in a huge pretzel formation on the brightly spotted plastic mat.

"Whosh got their hairy foot in my face?" Jessie asked, spitting out a hairball.

"Left hand, blue" Sam (the old) said.

"You din' spin, Sam," Pippin observed through bleary eyes.

"Nomy left hand ish blueI think Jessie ish sitting on it."

"Frodo," Merry asked, his voice slurred, "will you kindly remove your nose from my arse?"

Misha, Sam, Haldir, Legolas, and Gimli sat in a semicircle on the other side of the couch. Misha had handed everyone a fresh bottle, and introduced them to the game, "Fuzzy Duck."

"Fuzzy Duck," Misha said to Haldir.

"Fuzzy Duck," Haldir said to Sam (the tall).

"Fuzzy Duck," Sam said to Gimli.

"Duzzy Fxxk," Gimli said to Legolas.

Gimli had to chug a bottle.

The party went on until the wee hours of the morning.

Sunlight was blazing in the windows when Sam rolled over in bed. She tried to bunch the pillow up under her head, but for some strange reason the pillow was hard and wouldn't move. Cracking open her eyes, she blinked a few times to clear her vision. It wasn't a pillow at allit was a sixpack. Not a beer sixpackthis sixpack was breathing. Her eyes slowly made their way upward until they met Haldir's piercing gray stare.

Screams began to rise from every room in the apartment.

A/N: Okay, I've got them just where you want them, Southerngirltake it away!