Disclaimer: We STILL do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Legolas: High five, March Warden! Haldir: Oh yeah! Who's your daddy? TICS: Oh, for the love ofget a grip, you two. Legolas: What's the matter, TICSyou're blushing - she's blushing, Haldir! Haldir: I've never seen her blush beforewhy, whatever are you thinking, TICS? TICS: I will get even with you two, if it takes the rest of my life
A./N: It's me again, Tongue In Cheek Scribe. Whoa, SGthat was quite a chapter! Pant. Pant. I'll try to concentrate so I can write this onebut it ain't gonna be easy!
Chapter 18
When Dates Cry
Sam and Damien, spawn of Satan
"So, kidwhat time is your curfew?" Sam said snidely, as she walked with her prepubescent date to the waiting limousine.
"I don't have onemy dad said it was time for me to become a man," the leering fifteen year old said, grinning up at Sam.
"Listen, kiddolet's get one thing straight right nowyou lay one pimple-encrusted finger on me, and you will NEVER survive long enough to hear your voice changegot it?" Sam growled, staring down at the embryo her mother had set her up with.
"OoohI like 'em when they're sassy" the kid said, leering at Sam, completely unflustered by her threat.
Sam rolled her eyes, praying that surely she had been adopted, because if that sick, twisted creature that called herself her mother was indeed her flesh and blood, Sam might just throw herself in front of the limo and end it all right then and there.
An image of Haldir's face, straining and groaning, flashed in her mind, and she welcomed the distraction from the lecherous Lilliputian sitting next to her in the limousine.
"Where are we going?" Sam asked, her mind still fixed on the image of long silver hair hanging like a curtain around Haldir's handsome face.
"First, dinner at the Leaning Tower of Pizza. Then we have tickets to the premiere of Transformers 2004- the Musical, followed by a stop at Arcade World - I've taken the liberty of entering us in the DDR Championships - thenwho knows?" he answered, winking.
"Ughdon't wink at me, you slimy hormone-with-feet!" Sam retorted, jumping to the opposite side of the limo.
"I cannot believe this! If he were just three years older, I could deck him and be done with it! Butsince I don't want to spend the remainder of my youth with Big Bertha in Cell Number 9, I have to put up with this fetus!" Sam thought to herself, grinding her teeth.
It was going to be a long, long night.
Haldir and the Dragonlady
Haldir's arm was beginning to ache from the deathgrip the Dragonlady had on it. She had sunk her lacquered nails into his bicep the moment the door had closed behind them, and hadn't relinquished it since.
"You look positively scrumptious in that suit, Haldir, darling. Is it Armani?" she purred, batting inch long false eyelashes at him, as they sat in the back of the limousine.
"I don't know."
"Oh, it doesn't matterit still looks heavenly on you! Tell me, do you like sushi? I have reservations for us at the most exclusive Japanese Steakhouse in the city, and they have a fabulous sushi bar!" She prattled on, one hand still wrapped around his arm, the other now resting on his knee.
"I don't know."
"Well, I adore sushi! Do you like swing music, Haldir? I thought that after dinner we could go dancing at the Bogart Clubit's the most trendy nightspot in the city!" She asked, oblivious to Haldir's indifference.
"I don't know."
She was sliding her free hand slowly up his thigh. Haldir lifted an eyebrow, then picked her hand up with two fingers - as if loathe to touch it - and deposited it neatly back in her own lap.
"Haldirhave you ever enjoyed the luxury of a hot tub? The Windsor Hotel has a wonderful hot tubperhaps we can stop there after the club. They also have the most decadent chocolate covered strawberrieswe could order some up to the room," she informed him in a husky voice.
"I don't know."
"Do you EVER say anything besides, 'I don't know?' You sound like a broken record!" Dragonlady's true colors began to emerge as she started to lose patience with her recalcitrant date.
"I don't know."
Haldir repressed a smile. He had unintentionally hit on just what pushed the Dragonlady's buttonsit seemed that apathy drove her insane. Well, if anyone could remain aloof, arrogant, and indifferent it was the March Warden of Lothlorien! He'd have her either in tears or tearing her hair out by the end of the night. He stared straight ahead, determined to answer her only when necessary, and then only in one syllable words. Glazing over, his gray eyes stared at the back of the driver's head, but his mind pictured Sam's face, her hair spread out on the pillow behind her, moaning softly. Inwardly, he smiled.
Sam and Damien, spawn of Satan
Dinner and the movie had been every bit as godawful as Sam had thought it would be. Greasy, stringy pizza was usually her favorite food, but not when sitting across from a pimply faced, vertically challenged infant with cheese caught in his braces, and sauce dripping from his chin.
She'd almost fallen asleep in the theater, if she hadn't caught herself in time. Falling asleep was an open invitation for Hormone Boy to develop wandering fingers. Still, she nearly had to physically hold her eyelids open with her fingers while trying to sit through the badly animated, musically impaired feature film.
Sam was almost relieved when it was over, until she realized that their next stop was an arcade, where, no doubt, a gaggle of equally boob-infatuated adolescent friends of Satan's Spawn would be waiting to see their friend's date try to compete in some half-baked electronic dance debacle. Undoubtedly, she would wind up giving them a show worthy of a lifetime of wet dreams in the skimpy, one shouldered mini-dress and stiletto heels she had worn that night.
Deciding to at least attempt to save herself from that fate-worse-than-death, she swallowed hard to avoid puking, and turned to the kid sitting next to her in the limo. "So, Damien, umdo you know what I'd really like to do now?"
"What?" he answered, surprised that she had actually initiated a conversation.
"I really don't want to go to some crowded arcadedo you?" Sam laid it on thick, complete with batting eyes, and pouting lips.
"Gulp. Where d-d-d-o you want t-t-t-o go?" he stuttered, his eyes glued to her full lips.
"For ice cream. I love ice cream. I love to lick a cone" Sam whispered, running her tongue over her lips.
The kid squeaked. It wasn't an actual word, but Sam thought it might have meant "okay." She watched as he picked up the phone to call the driver. Smiling to herself, she realized that she had inadvertently hit on the best way to handle Junior Mint. All she had to do was pretend to be the world's biggest slut, and he'd be too nervous to try anything stupid.
She wondered how Haldir was doing with the Dragonlady.
Haldir and the Dragonlady
Dinner had been horrible. Dragonlady kept trying to feed Haldir raw fish, which he steadfastly refused to eat. "Who does this woman think I amGolem?" he thought, resolutely keeping his mouth glued shut.
"Haldir, darlingtry this one - it's salmon!" Dragonlady enticed, trying to wedge the rice encrusted tidbit between Haldir's lips. He growled deep in his chest, but refused to open his mouth.
"No, thank you," He said, as soon as she put her hand down.
"Damn it, Haldir! This dinner is costing me a fortune! The least you could do it try it!" The Dragonlady hissed, her botoxed face straining to show a frown. All she succeed in doing was flaring her nostrils wide enough to park a mini-van in.
"No, thank you."
"How do you know you won't like it if you don't try it?" She asked, trying a different tactic. "Certainly, a big, strong Elf like yourself isn't afraid to try something new?"
"Afraid? AFRAID? The March Warden of Lothlorien fears nothing!" Haldir thought, narrowing his eyes at the woman seated next to him at the table. He popped his mouth open so she could place the fish on his tongue. He swallowed without chewing, suppressing a shudder.
"There, that wasn't so bad, was it? Now try a piece of squid" she said, picking up a cube of rice with a brown slimy sliver of something on it.
"No, thank you."
"Haldir, you just tried onewhy not another? You aren't afraid are you?" She smiled, thinking she had hit on the best way to get him to do what she wanted - by calling him a coward.
"No, thank you."
Haldir smiled inwardly. He had already proven he wasn't afraid to eat the slippery raw seafoodno amount of name-calling would prove him otherwise. It was back to one word syllables and uncooperative behavior, until he could get back to the apartment.
He simply sat stoically in his chair, his back ramrod straight, staring right over the Dragonlady's head. It was infuriating her, and he couldn't have been happier about it.
After dinneror rather, after the Dragonlady finally gave up trying to feed Haldir, they re-entered the limousine and headed for the Bogart Club, a forties swing dance club. He received a lot of attention from the women in the club, which, of course, delighted the Dragonlady. She kept her viselike grip on his arm the entire time.
Dragging him to the dance floor, she held his hands and attempted to get him to do something besides stand stock still, but to no effect. He was unmovable - a tall, silver haired monolith in the middle of a bobbing, twirling, sea of humanity.
Finally having had enough, the Dragonlady led him back to the limousine, intent on getting to the hotel room she had reserved.
"You WILL give me my money's worthor I WILL torture Sam and your Elf friends for the rest of time!" the Dragonlady hissed as they driver pulled away from the curb.
Arriving in the room, Haldir stood by the window, silent and aloof. The Dragonlady had gone into the bathroom to "change into something more comfortable." Haldir hoped she would change into a toad.
Waiting, he noticed a counter set into one of the walls of the suite. Behind the counter was a double row of bottles. Raising an eyebrow, he picked one of the bottles and sniffed it. His face broke into a grin, realizing what the bottles held. They smelled like Elvenmeada very strong drink back home. He eyed the bathroom door, which was still closed, an idea formulating in his mind.
By the time Dragonlady came out, dressed in a nearly transparent negligee which almost made Haldir lose the one piece of fish she had managed to make him swallow, he had two glasses set on the counter, waiting.
"Why, how sweet of you to mix us a drink, Haldir," she purred, taking the glass nearest her.
Before she could drink, Haldir said, "In my world, there is a custom that says that before two lovers touch, they must, erdrink to each other's health. If the glasses are not drained in one swallow, one of the lovers will die," Haldir said, hoping she bought the bull he was feeding her.
"How incredibly romantic!" the Dragonlady sighed, rubbing up against Haldir. He took a half step back from her and picked up his glass.
"Cheers, darling!" the Dragonlady called, lifting her glass to Haldir's.
They drained their large glasses without stopping.
The Dragonlady put her glass down on the counter, then took a step toward Haldir. Suddenly she stopped, her face draining of what little color was there. Her eyes rolled up in her head, and she fell forward, face down on the carpet.
Haldir smiled, glancing over at the bottles, and thanking Eru for the wide selection of clear, potent liquids that he had combined in her drink, as well as for the tap water in his own glass.
He dragged The Dragonlady to the bed by her feet, reminding himself to wash his hands thoroughly before he left. Placing her on the bed, he ruffed up her hair, and, putting one hand over his eyes, ripped off her nightgown, dropping it to the floor. Without uncovering his eyes, he felt for the comforter, and threw it over her snoring, unconscious form. Turning around, he went to the bathroom and scrubbed his hands in the hottest water he could manage.
He left the hotel, and retraced their route all the way back to the apartment. Sam's car pulled up just as he climbed the steps to the front door.
"Hey, how'd it go with The DragonladyI'm surprised you can still walk!" Sam said, smiling at the big Elf.
Smiling back, Haldir quickly gave Sam a rundown of his evening. She told him all about her date, as well, and they laughed long and loud all the way up to the apartment.
Sam put her hand out to open the door, but Haldir put his over hers, stopping her. She looked up inquisitively, but, before she could utter a syllable, his mouth covered hers.
The door opened of its own volition, and a voice reached them.
"Please tell me you're drunk again. You're breaking House Rule #1!"
A/N: Here you go, SGhave fun!