Disclaimer: We do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Legolas: Where's Haldir? TICS: Southerngirl had to fire her muse, so I sent him to help her out. Legolas: You sent Haldir to SG? Are you daft, woman? Do you have any idea what she'll do to him now that she has him alone? TICS: Who are youhis mother? He's a big boyhe can take care of himself. Legolas: Alas, poor Haldir, I knew him well

Chapter 23

Here There Be Dragons

"I know that giggle" Sam whispered, her eyes as wide as saucers. "It can't beplease, if there is a godit just can't be!" Flying to the edge of the porch, she peered out into the distance. "Haldir! Come here," she called over her shoulder.

Haldir quickly walked to Sam's side, looking down questioningly. Sam looked up, meeting his intense gray eyes, and asked, pointing out into the storm in the distance, "Haldir, what do your Elven eyes see?"

Haldir squinted, staring hard into the night. Slowly, his eyes widened, as a tingle of recognition crawled up his back. "Oh, shitwe're toast."

"Haldir!" Elrond called, walking forward a few steps. "What is it? Do you recognize this threat to all of Middle Earth?"

Haldir and Sam exchanged a look that Misha caught. "What did you see? Tell me right now, Sam."

Sam took a deep breath, and suppressed a shudder. Haldir put his hand on her shoulder to lend her strength. "It's not what I sawit's what I heard."

"I did see itand it is truly horrible," Haldir continued, shuddering himself.

"For Eru's sakeWHAT IS IT?" Elrond shouted, losing patience with the two of them.

"It'sthe Dragonlady. I'd know her hideous giggle anywhere!" Sam answered, burying her face in Haldir's chest.

"No! How the hell did she get here?" Misha and Jessie asked together in perfect synchronization, shivering violently. Legolas and Frodo walked up behind them to comfort them.

"What is a Dragonlady, and what threat does it pose to us?" Elrond demanded, feeling foolish for being out of the loop.

Haldir looked Elrond in the eye, and said, "The Dragonlady is only the most ferocious, hideous, nightmarish creature in all of the place these ladies call homeit is Sam's mother."

"Sam's mother is a monster?" Elrond asked, quite confused. He didn't think Sam looked like she could be the spawn of some terrifying monstrosity. Elrond thought she was kind of cutefor a human.

"I spent hours locked in a small enclosed space with that horrible beastbelieve me, she is truly evil," Haldir said, clutching Sam tighter. "Where it not for quick thinking on my part, I doubt that I would have escaped alive."

"What are we to do? How do we fight this Dragonlady? Shall I summon the Council?" Elrond asked, looking from Sam to Haldir, to Misha and the rest.

"She'll be hungrybut not for food," Haldir said. "I left her rather, umunsatisfied."

"I don't understand, Haldirwhat are you talking about?" Elrond suddenly gasped, putting a hand over his mouth. "Surely you don't mean asacrifice?"

"Unfortunately, I dofor I am sure whoever we finally choose will not surviveshe'll eat him alive."

'Him? Aren't sacrifices usually maidens?" Elrond asked, once again confused.

"The Dragonlady is not interested in maidensshe only wants Elves," Haldir answered, causing Legolas, Elladan, and Elrohir to shudder.

"I'll gobut I know not the way," Legolas said quietly, a farseeing look in his eye.

"What do you mean, 'you know not the way?'" Elrond asked, raising his eyebrow nearly to his hairline. "You know every inch of this area!"

"I think he was being dramatic, Ada" Elrohir explained, rolling his eyes at his father.

"You are NOT going. She'll chew you up and spit you out!" Misha cried, poking Legolas in the chest.

"We'll go," Elladan offered, receiving a swift jab in the ribs from Elrohir. "We're a matched setsurely she won't be able to take both of us!"

"You're no match for The Dragonlady," Haldir said, shaking his head. "I'll goI have the most experience with her."

"No you are not going! She almost had you once - you'll never be able to trick her twice!" Sam said, grasping the front of Haldir's tunic and shaking him fiercely.

"Don't even think about it," Jessie said to Frodo, bending down and getting right in his face. "The Dragonlady doesn't have any interest in Hobbits, and I plan on keeping it that way!"

Frodo cowered a little in the face of Jessie's outburst. "Yes, dear," he squeaked.

"Wait!" Misha shouted. "I think I may have an idea!"

Everyone crowded around Misha, while throwing nervous glances at the lightning in the distance.

"Haldir is rightThe Dragonlady is going to be looking for some, ernot to mention some revenge. But what is the one thing that The Dragonlady values over everything else?"

"Gold?" asked Elrond, hopefully.

"Jewels?" asked Legolas.

"Ale?" asked Pippin.

"No!" Sam yelled, sudden understanding dawning in her expression. "Power!"

"Right! She wanted power over you, Sam, by setting you up on all those datesshe wanted power over all of us by blackmailing us to get her a date with Haldirshe wanted power over Haldir by taking him to bed"

Elrond looked askance at Haldir at that last part. Haldir simply shrugged his shoulders in response.

Misha continued, "So the one thing that could take her mind off of destroying everything decent and good, would be the possibility of power. Who do we know that has more power than he knows what to do with? Who do we know that we wouldn't mind sic-ing The Dragonlady on?" she asked. Looking at all the blank faces around her, she continued, 'Sauron! We'll set her up with Sauron! He wouldn't be able to survive an hour with The Dragonlady. I guarantee that he'll disappear for once and all, and you'll never have to worry about him again. And after he's gone, The Dragonlady will be stuck in Mordor with all the Uruk hai she can handle."

"I feel sorry for Sauron and the Uruk Hai!" Haldir laughed, nodding his head in agreement.

"Okaywe've got some work to dowe need to send a runner to Sauron - let's hope all these years of being buried in Mordor has left him not being too picky about partners - and we need to send a party to intercept The Dragonlady. Any volunteers?" Misha asked, looking around. "Don't every one raise his or her hand at once, now" she said sarcastically as everyone suddenly found somewhere else to look but at her.

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of The Dragonlady. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate--this one doom," Elrond said, standing tall, and seeking eye contact with each person.

"Now who's being dramatic," Legolas said to Elrohir, rolling his eyes and hooking his thumb at Elrond.

"We need to move fastthat storm is coming closer, and that means so is the Dragonlady!" Sam said, casting a glance over her shoulder.

A/N: Whewthat was a tough one, SGsorry, it was the best giggling horror I could come up with! Take it away, whoever's writing next!