Disclaimer: We do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. TICS: Haldir, I'm glad you decided to cooperate with SG and help her with the last chapterHaldir - did you get your ear pierced? Haldir: It was SG's idea TICS: What else did she make you do? Haldir: Wellit's called a Prince Albert. Elladan: You did that? Really? Did it hurt? Let me see TICS: Yeah, let us see it Haldir: NO! You cannot see it. No one will EVER see it. TICS: Wanna bet? I feel a pants-dropping chapter coming up

A/N: Tongue in Cheek Scribe againHurricane Jean hit us yesterday, but, miracle of miracles, my power came back on today! It's still blowing really hard outside, and I don't know if the power will last, so I'm going to try to hurry through this chapter to get it up - no guarantees on how long or good it'll be

Chapter 27

Extreme Makeovers

Elladan and Elrohir rode ahead to fetch Misha and Legolas from The Last Homely House. Finding everyone scattered about the hall outside the Dragonlady's room sound asleep, they took the course of action that they thought most reasonable - they dumped pitchers of ice cold water on Misha and Legolas' faces.

Misha and Legolas came up gasping and sputtering, water dripping from their noses and chins.

"Haldir and Sam need you to go the borders of Imladris immediatelySam said you need to give Sauron a makeover," Elladan gasped, trying to get enough air to speak. That was proving difficult, since Legolas' fingers were wrapped around his throat.

"He's in a really sorry state," Elrohir added in a high falsetto, since Misha had chosen an area other than his throat to squeeze on Elrohir.

"When this is all over, remind me to put an arrow through the both of them," Legolas said to Misha, releasing Elladan. Misha released Elrohir, but not before giving him just a little extra twist.

"Let this be a lesson learned," she said as Elrohir bent over in slow motion, gripping his offended member, "do not EVER pour cold water on me when I'm sleeping. It tends to make me very grouchy."

"You two stay here and make sure the Dragonlady does not get out. Tell the others what has happened when they awake," Legolas instructed Elrohir and Elladan.

Legolas and Misha left the twins sitting in the hall. Stopping in Elrond's healing room, they quickly picked up several different articles that they thought they would need. Saddling a horse, they rode double out to the edge of the borders of Imladris to meet up with the Mordor Party.

"I could have ridden my own horse, you know," Misha said to Legolas who sat behind her, and kept a firm grip on her waist as they rode. "I happen to be a good rider."

"Nopethis is more fun. You can't throw me out of my horse."

"That better not be what I think it is behind me"

"Can't help itif you hadn't kept throwing me out the bedroom, this wouldn't be happening."

"Don't blame this on me, you pointy eared pervert!"

"Come on, admit itthe ears turn you on."

"When I get off of this horse, I'm going to give you a taste of what Elrohir just got!"

"Promise?"

Misha fell silent, seeing that she wouldn't win this particular argument. This was a side of Legolas she hadn't seen before and it frightened her because she kind of liked it.

They saw the Mordor Party waiting for them, sitting around a small campfire near a stream at the edge of Elrond's territory.

"Eww. Sam was certainly right about Sauron needing a makeoverhe looks like Pee Wee Herman," Misha commented as Legolas lifted her down from the horse.

"Didn't you promise me something earlier?" Legolas whispered to Misha with a saucy smile.

"Don't you even go there. I didn't promise - I threatenedthere's a definite difference."

"I'm going to hold you to that threat later" he said, winking at her.

"What's gotten into you today? You weren't this forward at the apartment!"

"You're in my territory nowand here, I have the power. I'm a Prince, remember?" Legolas laughed, closing Misha's open mouth with one finger. He turned and started walking to the other group, leaving Misha opening and closing her mouth like a fish, trying to come up with a comeback and failing miserably.

"Sauron," Sam said, trying to be nice, since they really needed his cooperation to get rid of the Dragonlady, "this is Misha, and I believe you probably already know Legolas."

"Prince of MirkwoodI thought perhaps you'd died at Minas Tirithpity," Sauron wheezed, his helmet tilting off a bit to the side.

"SauronAuta miqula orqu!" Legolas spat, causing Haldir to spit out the water he had just been swallowing, and Sauron to sputter.

"What did you say? We have to be nice to him if we want him to cooperate!" Sam whispered to Legolas, violently pulling on his sleeve.

"He told me to 'go kiss an orc,'" Sauron growled. Sam, evidently, hadn't yet learned the finer points of whispering - for example, that it should be done quietly.

"He's sorry. He's very sorry, Sauronhe often says things that he doesn't mean," Sam said, trying to placate the ex-evil overlord.

"I am not sor" Legolas began, but Misha covered his mouth and whispered something in his ear, which made him smile and shut his trap.

"Let's get this makeover over with, so we can deliver the Sauron's new girlfriend and get back to The Last Homely House," Legolas said eagerly, eyeing Misha, who blushed furiously, but said nothing.

"Misha, what did you tell Legolas?" Sam asked, frowning at the interchange between the two.

"Never mind what she told him - let's just get this over with!" Haldir finally spoke up, irritated at the delay.

Misha and Legolas unpacked the items that they had brought with them from Rivendell. Bottles, brushes, and powders soon littered the ground around the campfire.

Legolas knelt behind Sauron and removed his helmet, tossing it to Haldir. "See if you can bang this back into shape, Haldir," he ordered, grimacing at the oily, tangled mass of hair the helmet had covered.

Misha took hold of one of Sauron's hands and removed the worm eaten glove that covered it. She stared at the dirty inch-long, thick, twisted fingernails that grew from his fingertips. This was going to take longer than she thought, wincing at the body odor arising from his person.

"First things firstSauron, please don't take this the wrong way, but you stink. Your B.O. could drop an Oliphaunt. Get yourself undressed and in that stream before we all pass out," Misha instructed, holding her nose.

"Is there another way to take that? Really - what do you expect from me? I have been locked away in Mordor since the War, you know."

Sauron got up and began shedding articles of clothing as he walked to the stream. Everyone else gagged, and covered their eyes until he was fully submerged.

Haldir and Legolas went to work on banging out and polishing his armor, until it looked fairy new. Sam and Misha worked on putting together different combinations of herbs and emollients to come up with a beauty regimen that might just make him palatable to the Dragonlady. They tossed Sauron a few things to use while he was in the stream, and sternly told him to warn them before he got out. The backside of him had been bad enough - they had no wish to have the memory of the front side of him burned into their retinas.

After Sauron had finished his bath, he sat wrapped in a horse blanket in front of the campfire, while Legolas fussed with his hair, combing and braiding it, and Misha sawed off those fingernails with a small hatchet. She had played 'rock, scissors, paper' with Sam to see who would have to work on his toenails - Sam had lost, and was busily sawing at the loathsome growths with Legolas' white handled short knife.

"My Ada gave me that knife," Legolas said sadly, "Now I'll have to burn it."

After several hours, the group stood back to survey the finished product. Sauron practically glowedhe actually looked pretty good. His pitch-black hair gleamed in its intricate weaving of braids, his nails were short, clean, and polished, and his armor had very few dents.

"I think he'll do," Sam said, eyeing him up and down. "He seems just like the kind of guy Dragonlady would drool over."

"We're going to get hernow remember, when you meet her, you must be forcefula real man's man, okay?" Misha reminded Sauron, packing away the supplies.

"I am not a man," Sauron told her haughtily.

"Don't nitpick. You know what I mean," she replied, mounting the horse. Legolas did that really cool 'swing around the front of the horse and fling himself up on the saddle thing' and immediately gripped Misha around the waist.

"Show off," Sauron muttered, frowning at the Elf, as the horse galloped back in the direction of Rivendell.

A/N: Okay, whoever's writing nextshe's all yours!