Note #1: I'm back! :-) I'm soooo sorry for the awful delay, and I hope people are still interested in this story. I'm working extra hard to get chapter 16 done soon, I promise.
Note #2: Numfarismyidol, I'm flattered that a B/A shipper is enjoying my Spuffy-friendly fic. I'm very fond of Angel, but I started watching BtVS after David Boreanaz left the show, so the B/A pairing didn't have the chance to grow on me. If I actually manage to go back to my previous one chapter a month pace, I intend to have Angel show up at San Francisco, too, but be warned that I'm an Angel/Cordy shipper.
"One word is too often profaned for me to profane it."
Phoebe muttered the words to herself as she walked down the stairs, as if saying them out loud might shed light on their meaning. She sighed, thinking of how she had laid awake in bed the night before, long after Cole had fallen asleep, listening to the reassuring sound of his steady breathing and musing over that one sentence.
She knew that the others were concerned about it as well, but she also knew that they couldn't fully understand how frustrating and unsettling it was for her not to be able to make some meaning out of one of her premonitions. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs, frowning. Telling the truth was her gift, it was her contribution to the Power of Three; through her, the Powers That Be shared their wisdom with her coven, and right now she felt like an inadequate vehicle that tarnished the message it was supposed to deliver.
Phoebe sighed and shook her head. The answer would come to her in due time; until then, all she could do was relax and wait. She headed to the living room, where she found Cole and Leo watching TV, a large bag of Cheetos sitting on the couch between them.
"Is that Buffy and Ben I'm hearing?" she asked Cole, motioning in the solarium's general direction.
"Uh-hum." -- he nodded and made an affirmative sound, with his mouth full of Cheetos.
The summoning of Henrietta would take place later that afternoon, but Buffy had come earlier, like she had promised. Cole had opened the door for her because Phoebe was in the shower when she arrived, and now Phoebe looked from the western movie on the TV to the bag of Cheetos and finally back at her husband, giving him an interrogative look.
"I was a good host," Cole said after swallowing what he was eating. "I even told her that I wasn't really interested in the movie," -- he motioned his hand towards the TV -- "which, mind you, was a lie, but then Ben wanted to play with that book that Paige gave him for Christmas, and when Buffy said that she'd be glad to play with him and 'The Happy Farm From Hell'..."
Phoebe arched her eyebrows and he held up his hands defensively:
"After the tenth time in a row, it does feel like 'The Happy Farm From Hell' and you know that."
She couldn't help but smile and he proceeded, grinning:
"Anyway, Buffy said that she'd love to read the story to him and I seized the opportunity."
"Well," Phoebe said, placing her hands on her hips and giving him a stern look that was pretty much spoiled by the amusement in her eyes, "Buffy's here because she wants to talk to me, so I'm afraid you're in for some time with "The Happy Farm..." She hesitated and added with a smirk: "...From Hell."
"Or," Cole said, slyly, "you could see if Willow wants to play with Ben."
"Willow is here, too?"
"I think Paige called her."
"I'll see if Paige and Willow are busy," Phoebe said as she left the room, "so keep your fingers crossed."
Phoebe stopped at the doorway and peered into the solarium, unnoticed by Buffy and Ben: they were both sitting on the floor, with Buffy singing "If You're Happy and You Know It" and Ben merrily babbling along. Phoebe smiled, so caught up in the scene that she didn't notice Willow standing by her side until the younger witch said softly:
"I haven't seen Buffy this happy in months."
As Phoebe took her eyes off Buffy and Ben and turned to her, Willow explained, lowering her voice:
"Buffy went through some really rough times about one year ago. There was this hell goddess named Glory, who was trying to open a portal from our dimension to her own world, and Buffy could only stop her by sacrificing herself."
"Hell was breaking loose across the state and we didn't even know???" Phoebe said, barely managing to keep her voice as low as Willow's.
She pressed her lips tightly together, feeling her indignation rise: couldn't the powers in charge at least put their front line forces in contact with each other so that they could help each other with their monthly apocalypses? She took a deep breath, willing her anger to wane as she turned her attention back to Willow's story.
"Sorry," she said with an apologizing smile. "So, you were saying, uh, Buffy, hell dimension, portal...?"
"Right," Willow said, nodding. "Buffy sacrificed herself to close the portal, and she died, and we all thought that she was trapped in some creepy, nightmarish hell dimension, and we just couldn't keep the Hellmouth in check without her, and I missed her so much because she and Xander are my best friends ever, and..."
She finally had to stop to breath and asked sheepishly:
"I'm babbling, ain't I?"
"I'm afraid you are," Phoebe said with a smile. "But go ahead, I'm still following you."
Willow smiled back at her and took a deep breath, but instead of engaging in another string of babble like Phoebe had thought she would, she hesitated, looking down at her nails, and finally said in a whisper:
"She was dead, and I brought her back."
Phoebe's eyes widened as she contemplated the stunning amount of power it would take to bring someone back from the dead and she realized that Willow was much more powerful than she and her sisters had first thought. She opened her mouth, but closed it again and let Willow proceed, staring at the younger witch as this one toyed nervously with her own fingers.
"And it turns out she was in Heaven, not Hell. I brought her back from Heaven and right into the Hellmouth on war footing." -- Willow sighed self-derisively -- "Made big with the screwing up."
Phoebe hesitated, not sure of what to say, and Willow proceeded, looking at Buffy again:
"Buffy ran into a rough patch; for some time we feared that she might never come around."
She smiled as she finished:
"It never occurred to us that what she needed was some baby-therapy."
Phoebe smiled too as she looked at Buffy, who was laughing heartily as she played airplane with Ben. She noticed Phoebe and Willow standing at the doorway and said to Ben:
"Hey, look who's there! It's Willow: let's say 'hi' to her!"
"Hi, Buffy," Phoebe said with a smile as Buffy effortlessly shifted Ben's thirty pounds of sheer glee to her hip and walked towards her and Willow.
Ben promptly reached out for Willow's hair and Buffy placed him in her friend's willing arms.
"Hi," she said, turning to Phoebe. "I hope this is not a bad time."
"It's not," Phoebe said. Then, turning to Willow: "Willow, if you don't feel like playing with..."
Phoebe didn't finish the sentence as she realized that Willow was already sitting on the floor with Ben; she had taken off her jacket and was using it to play "where's the baby" with him.
"On second thought, I think they're gonna be just fine," she said, giggling, as she and Buffy walked away from the door.
"Leo, is there anything wrong?"
Leo turned to Cole with a start, only then realizing that he had been staring at without seeing the movie credits rolling up on the TV screen.
"What? No," he said. "No, I'm fine."
Cole gave him with a suspicious look, watching as he picked up the remote and turned off the TV.
"Did you have more nightmares last night?" he finally asked. "I didn't; I thought I would, but I didn't."
"Now that you've mentioned it," Leo said, turning to him again, "neither did I. Some bad dreams, maybe, but nothing that I can remember. And definitely nothing that made me wake up screaming."
He thought a little then added with a sigh:
"I'd hate to think that we're getting used to Hell."
"Well, I'm not getting used to anything, that's for sure," Cole said, not the least amused.
He leaned back on the couch and reached out for the TV guide, starting to flip through the magazine without much interest while Leo turned on the TV again and absently zapped through the channels.
The two men sat silent for some time, until Cole asked again:
"What's wrong, then?"
"Nothing's wrong," Leo insisted. "I'm just..."
He stared at the remote, fumbling with it for a while before putting it down and looking at Cole again.
"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you should have been assigned another Whitelighter?" he blurted out. "A more..." -- Leo stopped when he saw Cole straighten up and give him an alarmed look.
"Is this because of the incident with the chinchilla?" Cole asked. "Because that'll never..."
"This isn't about the chinchilla," Leo said, smiling in spite of himself. "Although I'm yet to be convinced that it was completely accidental that you summoned a small rodent inside Paige's purse."
"Well, I was upset because she kept teasing me and I couldn't concentrate on the spell," Cole said, shrugging, "and I may have thought that it would serve her right if the spell went wrong and it backfired on her."
"Anyway," he quickly proceeded before Leo could reply, "if it's not the chinchilla, then what is it?"
Leo hesitated, then sighed and turned off the TV again.
"This wasn't the first time," he said, "that we've dealt with a demon about which you know much more than I do."
"Yes," Cole said. "So, what? I'm much older than you are."
"And you've come from a different time, and a different world," Leo said, nodding. "You know things, have seen things that I have never even heard of."
"Yes," Cole said, giving him a puzzled look, "and we've both been aware of that for the last three years, why has it become an issue now?"
"Because now I'm your Whitelighter," Leo explained. "I'm supposed to provide guidance and advice, yet many times I end up just following your lead, because you seem to know what you're doing while I'm still groping my way around."
"I just don't think that I'm adding value to you, that's all," he finished with a sigh.
Cole frowned slightly, watching with a thoughtful expression as Leo sank into the couch; neither man said anything for a while, until Cole finally broke the silence.
"You're a moron, Leo," he said conversationally.
"What!"
"You are a moron," Cole repeated.
He spotted one of Ben's toys lying on the floor beside the couch and reached out to pick it up.
"But you're right about one thing: I'm not like any of your other charges," he said, rolling the rubber ball between his fingers. "And since you've been smart enough to figure that out, one would think you would also be able to realize that I don't need you, or any Whitelighter for the matter, to teach me what it means to be magical."
"I'm not a good person who needs to learn how to be magical, Leo," he added. "I'm a magical person who needs to learn how to be good."
Without a warning, he threw the ball towards Leo, who nearly didn't react in time to catch it.
"And this," Cole said, grinning as Leo scowled at him and shoved the ball into the pocket of his jacket, where it wouldn't present a risk to Piper's lamps, "is where you come in."
"I know a lot about magic," he said, sobering, "it's being good that I need help. Personal gain, and the point where the protection of the innocents becomes vengeance, and repentance becomes self flagellation."
He thought a little, then added:
"And baseball."
"I'm pretty sure baseball isn't about being good," Leo said with a small smile.
"It's about being human," Cole said. "Which I'm not very good at, either," he added with a shrug.
"You're good," Leo said quietly. "You're stubborn and willful and prone to not asking for help until it's nearly too late, but you're a good witch. And a good man." -- he smiled -- "And I'm glad that you feel that you don't need another Whitelighter."
"That's not what you said last week," Cole remarked with a smirk.
"Last week," Leo calmly reminded him, "you tried to use your powers to get off of dish duty, and I ended up fixing the entire kitchen plumbing system."
He put a handful of Cheetos in his mouth and handed the bag back to Cole, who surveyed its contents, looking at the crumbs left on the bottom of the bag for a while before he decided that it wasn't worth facing Piper's wrath if he spilled them on the couch.
"Still," Cole said, putting the bag aside and turning to Leo again, "there's actually something that I'd like to ask my Whitelighter about magic."
"Really?" Leo said, curious. "What is it?"
"The Elders."
"What about the Elders?" Leo asked.
"My point exactly," Cole said. "What about the Elders? Besides being very old... I mean, they are very old, aren't they?"
"Well, yes," Leo said, shifting position on the couch in order to face Cole and resting his right arm on the back of the seat. "Most of them are much older than you are; some of them go back way before the Roman Empire."
"But where do they come from? What are they?"
"Well..." -- Leo furrowed his brown, trying to put what he had learned in the Whitelighter language into English -- "They're... Some of them were Whitelighters in the past, some were High Priests and Priestesses, a few were creatures from other realms for which we don't have a name in English."
"Priestesses?" Cole said, raising one eyebrow. "Are there female Elders?"
"Sure," Leo said. "Did you think there wasn't?"
"Well," Cole said, grinning, "after three years of listening to the girls bitch about them, I kind of started to think of them as a bunch of bigoted, chauvinist old snobs."
"Firstly," Leo said, chuckling, "just because they're old, it doesn't mean they have to look old -- and you, among all people, should know that. And, secondly, yes, there are female Elders, and they're just as respected as their male peers, if you must know."
"Do they look human?"
"Well, most of them do," Leo said, nodding. "The ones who came from other realms are humanoids, but they'd still cause quite a commotion if they showed up at the Union Square."
"Could you become an Elder, too?"
"Well..." -- Leo hesitated -- "Technically, yes. Any Whitelighter could. But of course, most of them don't: it's just not their calling."
"Is it yours?" Cole asked.
Leo hesitated, tapping his fingers lightly on the back of the couch. He shot a quick glance towards the door before turning to Cole again:
"Don't mention that to Piper."
Cole raised an inquisitive eyebrow and he explained:
"I just don't want her to start having any silly ideas about what it means to me."
Cole's eyebrow rose higher and Leo sighed and proceeded:
"While Piper and I were on probation, waiting for permission to get married, they told me that I should consider that: that I could become an Elder someday, and I should think of all the good I could do then. And that it would never happen if I married Piper."
"Sounds like blackmail to me," Cole said, frowning.
"No," Leo promptly said, "it wasn't. It was just a statement of fact. I serve Good as a Whitelighter, and also as a husband and father: that's my calling. Serving as an Elder is a different calling, and one that requires total commitment. And the fact that my life would never be whole without my family is enough proof that being an Elder isn't my calling."
"I just don't see how anyone's life can be whole without a family," Cole said, the words coming out of his mouth so naturally that he didn't even notice how odd they sounded coming from a former mercenary.
"What's a burden for one man is a gift for another," Leo said, simply. "Either way there will be sacrifices to make and things to give up, and that's why it's not a matter of which lifestyle is better, but to which one you were called. Only then it'll be worth it all."
"Is that what you said to the Elders?" Cole asked.
"I told them," Leo said, "that loving Piper and being loved by her is the best thing that has ever happened to me."
He smiled, his expression softening as he talked about Piper; unbeknownst to Leo, it had been that smile that had made more than one Elder question their initial decision to forbid their relationship.
"I told them that I'm a better man and a better Whitelighter because of her; I could never be a good Elder when my heart wouldn't be there and my soul would be longing for her every minute of the day. So, no, I'll never become an Elder. My first responsibility is to my family... and I'm glad that it is this way," he finished.
Cole, who had already died for his family once and would die again a hundred times if needed, nodded his head in understanding. Then, guys that they were, they tacitly agreed that there had been too much feeling talk for the afternoon and steered the conversation to safer ground. Emotion-free ground.
"There's something else that I've been wondering..." Cole started to say.
"For one who didn't need me to give you lessons on magic," Leo cut him off with a smirk, "you sure have a lot of questions."
"For one who's supposed to guide me," Cole retorted, making a face on him, "you sure have a smart mouth."
"So," Leo said, ignoring his remark, "what is it?"
"You know that whole thing about the girls having a destiny?" Cole said. "The prophecy about the Charmed Ones destroying the Source?"
"Are you still thinking about that?" Leo said. "You heard what the Angel of Destiny said, even if the girls had accepted his offer, it wouldn't have changed what had happened prior to that. You and Phoebe were already married and she was pregnant with Ben, and that wouldn't have changed."
"I'm not concerned about that," Cole said. "Although I'm rather disappointed," he added, grinning, "that I was frozen and thus never got to see Piper threaten to explode him if he as much as thought of messing with the Power of Three."
"Yeah, me too," Leo said, chuckling. "I can't believe we didn't get to see the guy's face."
"Do you think she'd actually be able to explode him?"
"If she couldn't freeze him, I don't think she could explode him, either. Then again," Leo added, shrugging, "anger usually gives Piper's powers quite the boost."
"As a man who's been on the receiving end of her fury," Cole said, "I have to agree with you."
"But," he proceeded, "I've been thinking of something else that the Angel of Destiny said. About how their decision wouldn't affect the destiny of the others."
Leo raised his eyebrows as he understood what Cole meant: it hadn't occurred to him then but, now that he thought about it, it sure made a lot of sense.
"Do you think he was talking...?"
"About me?" -- Cole shrugged -- "I don't know. At the time, of course, I didn't. I thought that he was referring to you, or to your children, since they'd still be half-Whitelighter. Now I wonder if he knew all along what I was. Who I was."
He shifted his feet and gave Leo an uncertain look.
"Do I, too, have..." -- he rolled his eyes in a failed attempt to look unconcerned -- "a destiny?"
Leo's hesitation lasted no more than one second as he thought of how Cole had been kept in the dark about his heritage for his entire life, while choices were made on his behalf, by his parents, by Good, by Evil. Still, he didn't answer right away, measuring his words as he figured the best way to tell Cole what he had learned since he had been assigned as his Whitelighter.
"Everyone has a destiny," he started, cautiously. "No life is so small that it doesn't matter in the great scheme of things, and every destiny that isn't fulfilled is a loss to the whole universe, and one that can't be replaced."
"You do have a destiny," he proceeded. "And even if there wasn't a prophecy about it..."
"Whoa!" Cole exclaimed, holding up his hands. "A prophecy? There's a prophecy about me?"
"Maybe 'prophecy' isn't the best word..." Leo said. "It's more like..."
He made a clicking sound with his tongue and Cole gave him a puzzled look.
"I don't know how to say that in English," Leo explained with an apologizing shrug. "I had never talked about it with anyone other than the Elders and other Whitelighters, and..."
"What!" Cole cut him off. "Has everyone been talking about me up there?" -- he frowned, giving a suspicious look towards the ceiling.
"Not everyone," Leo assured him. "Just the Whitelighters of the witches who..."
"Witches I don't know have been talking about me???"
"Just the ones who are part of your..." -- Leo made the clicking sound again.
"This has better mean 'family'."
"Look," Leo said, slightly amused, holding up his hands defensively. "This destiny thing... It's not always straightforward, like the prophecy made by Melinda Warren when she was dying; as a matter of fact, it usually isn't this way."
He rubbed his forehead, for the first time realizing how many words there were in the Whitelighter vocabulary to which he knew no correspondent in English.
"You know that anecdote about the three blind men trying to figure out an elephant?" he said, tentatively. "How none of them was able to understand the elephant because each one was touching only one small part of its body? That's usually what happens when it comes to foretelling one's destiny. There's like, uh, this network of witches, who don't know each other, each one catching a glimpse of the great picture. They tell their Whitelighters what they know, and the Whitelighters tell it to the Elders, and the Elders try to put it together and make some meaning out of it."
"It doesn't sound very accurate to me..." Cole said, looking slightly disappointed.
"Actually, it's not," Leo said, shrugging. "They didn't even know it was your destiny they were reading until about one year ago."
"So, they can't be sure..." Cole said, frowning.
"They are sure now," Leo assured him. "You see, when Phoebe told me that she hadn't vanquished you three years ago, and I told it to the Elders, I didn't understand why they didn't do anything about it and just told me to wait and watch. Now I know that it was because a group of seers had been sensing a change in the pattern for a while then. When the Elders learned that there was a chance that you were crossing, they figured that it might be related to you: every decision that one takes brings them closer or further from fulfilling their destiny, and so the..." -- he sighed roughly, exasperated by his inability to find the right word.
"Elephant?" Cole offered with a small grin.
"The elephant," Leo proceeded, chuckling, "isn't static; it's... dynamic. It's alive."
"So, my elephant...?" -- Cole raised an inquisitive eyebrow.
"Is changing almost faster than the seers can grasp it, and it's getting stronger each day."
"Why? I haven't exactly done anything impressive," Cole said.
"You've been practicing and learning how to control your powers," Leo said. "You've already used them against evil a few times, and by doing that you stated where you stand."
"But why is it always changing?"
"It's, hum..." -- Leo hesitated and Cole gave him a slightly worried look.
"What?"
"It may be because of your mother," Leo blurted out.
"What about my mother?" Cole asked, perking.
"Your relationship to her will affect your choices," Leo said, cautiously. "Not necessarily in a bad way," he quickly added, "but, still, things have changed lately; you've learned a lot about her."
"I've learned that she loved my father," Cole said, defensively. "And me."
"Look," Leo said, holding up his hands in a conciliatory manner, "all I'm saying is that you're still trying to figure out this part of your life. And, since every decision that you take affects your destiny, the rather confused place in which you are right now may be the reason why the pattern keeps changing."
"Anyway," he added, "this is just a guess. All we know is that you still have some big choices ahead of you."
"Is this you talking or the Elders?" Cole asked, watching him intently.
"Both."
Before he could reply, Piper entered the room.
"Am I interrupting something?" she asked, looking at their serious expressions. "Is this Whitelighter-witch talk or just chitchat?"
"A little of each," Cole said. "Something the matter?"
"Not really," she said, "I just need something from the basement."
"I'll get it for you." -- Leo promptly stood up, not wanting her to walk her very pregnant body down those narrow stairs.
Piper smiled and went back to the kitchen, and he turned to Cole before following her.
"You okay?" he asked.
"I think you gave me a headache," Cole said, frowning. Leo gave him an uncertain look and he rolled his eyes. "I'm fine, Leo. We can go back to this later. Go see what Piper wants," he added, dismissing Leo with a wave of his hand, "before she gets tired of waiting and rolls down the stairs."
"We're on the same side here," Leo said, giving him a slightly concerned look. "You know that, don't you?"
"Yeah," Cole said quietly, "I know."
Leo slapped his shoulder lightly and headed to the kitchen; before he left, though, Cole said:
"You're doing a good job."
Leo turned around, giving him a confused look and he added, shrugging:
"Being a, hum, my Whitelighter."
"Well," Leo said with a smile, "you're not doing bad, either."
Cole watched as he turned around to leave; then, as Leo was crossing the doorway he called him again:
"Leo?"
As the Whitelighter gave him an interrogative look, he asked out of the blue:
"What do you dream of?"
Leo looked confused, and Cole explained:
"The nightmares. I've told you about my nightmares, but you've never told me yours."
"Oh, that," Leo said. He hesitated, digging his hands into his pockets.
"I dream of the day the Source was vanquished," he said. "It all happens again..." -- he sighed -- "but I'm always too late to catch you."
He looked at Cole's dumbfounded face and shrugged.
"I guess it's a typical Whitelighter's nightmare," he said with a small smile, before leaving the room.
"Suits are so..." -- Buffy shrugged -- "adult."
She was leaning against the window frame in Phoebe and Cole's room at the new house, watching as Phoebe took Cole's clothes from a cardboard box and hung them in the closet. Now that Liusaidh was no longer a threat, they intended to pick it up from where they had left one week before and finish the moving that weekend, after Buffy's curse had been dealt with.
"Yeah," Phoebe murmured, running her hand lovingly over the dark suit she was hanging. "I guess they are."
She put the suit in the closet and turned to Buffy again.
"I guess we are," she said. "Cole and I. Adults."
"Oh, I didn't mean it that way!" -- Buffy blushed when she realized what she had just said -- "I don't, I didn't mean that you're old."
"I know," Phoebe said, smiling as she took a shirt out of the box and inspected it out of habit, looking for missing buttons. "And, you know what? I like being an adult. I never thought I'd say that, but I really do."
She giggled and proceeded, hanging the shirt in the closet and reaching out to take another one out of the box:
"Cole sometimes calls me in the middle of the day and says that he loves me, and that he misses me, and that he can hardly wait for me to get home from work so that he can tear my clothes off and make love to me all evening..." -- she chuckled -- "... and then he asks me to stop at the drugstore on my way home to buy diapers."
"And the funny thing is, I love it," she sighed. "I love that we've been apart for only a few hours and he already misses me enough to call me, and I love that he never gets tired of telling me how much he loves me, just like I never get tired of listening, and I love that he really wants me that badly... But I also love it that he keeps track of these things and always knows before we run out of diapers, or anti-rash powder, or Ben's favorite cereal."
Phoebe leaned her back against the closet door, the shirt hanging loosely from her hands and a soft smile on her lips.
"I love that he has ruined some of his best clothes because he doesn't bother to change them before he rolls on the floor with Ben. I love that he never tells me that he thinks Piper's lasagna is much better than mine even though he never repeats mine and he always repeats hers twice. I even love it when I send him to the market and he comes back with a dozen things that I didn't ask and usually forgets something that I did ask."
She sighed dreamily, lowering her eyes to the white shirt in her hands. Buffy watched as she gingerly hung the shirt inside the closet, running her hands lightly over it to straighten it up, a smile still lingering on her lips as she handled Cole's clothes.
"You love him so much..." Buffy sighed, with a hint of longing in her voice.
"You may not realize that," she added as Phoebe turned around to face her, "but your entire face lights up when you talk about Cole. You glow."
"Yes," Phoebe said softly, "I do. I love him so much. And I'm happier than I ever thought I could be."
She saw the look on Buffy's face and her heart churned because it was so obvious that the girl was dying to talk about something, but she didn't seem to know how to bring up the subject.
"Buffy," Phoebe said gently, approaching her. "Honey, if you don't tell me what it is that is eating you inside, I can't help you," she said, taking the younger girl's hands in hers.
At first, Buffy didn't answer. Then, just as Phoebe was starting to fear that she might have pushed too hard, she said in a voice that was little more than a whisper:
"His name was Angel."
Phoebe arched her eyebrows, surprised: this was not what she had expected to hear. Still, she nodded her head and, without a word, leaned on the window frame by Buffy's side and listened as she talked about the vampire Angelus, who had spread horror throughout Europe for almost two centuries, until a curse restored his soul, condemning him to be forever haunted by his heinous deeds. Buffy told her of how Angelus had then took the name Angel, in an attempt to leave his evil past behind, and fled to America about eighty years ago, and of how the two of them had met in Sunnydale when Buffy was 15. Phoebe listened in a sympathetic silence as Buffy told her of their love, the doubts that had plagued both of them, Slayer and vampire, the reactions of her family and friends, the attempts of Darla, Angelus' sire and former lover, to turn him back to evil.
Buffy's hands were shaking as she told Phoebe that the curse also said that, if Angel ever experienced a moment of true happiness, his soul would be taken away again, and of how their first night of love had brought back the monster. Phoebe silently put her arm around her shoulders as she told her about the murder of Jenny Calendar by the hands of Angelus, understanding all too well the hurt and the shame, the silent "I knew it" in the back of the eyes of the ones she loved the most, even as they tried to support her and comfort her, the feelings of betrayal, the guilt for having trusted him, for having brought evil into the lives of her loved ones.
As Buffy spoke of the mayhem Angelus had caused in Sunnydale, she slowly slid down the wall; when she told Phoebe of the night she had killed him, both girls were sitting on the floor, with their backs leaning against the wall. And as Phoebe held her and rocked her gently, Buffy finally got to mourn for her lost love. In the arms of the woman who had gone through the same ordeal, she allowed herself to cry for the good man Angel had been before the beast took over, and for the love they had fought so hard to keep, knowing that Phoebe would never think that the man she had loved wasn't worth her tears.
Phoebe held her without a word, stroking her hair, until Buffy's sobs finally started to diminish. She listened as Buffy talked in a low voice, speaking of how Angel had eventually managed to escape from hell, and of how they had tried again, but had finally given up on their relationship and he had left for Los Angeles, where he now fought his own good fight.
"I miss him," Buffy whispered. "I miss the laughing and the arguing, and going out on patrol with him, and being with someone who knows who I am, what I am, and can relate to it..." -- she sighed and closed her eyes -- "I miss being in love."
"So," Phoebe cautiously said, stroking the blond head that rested on her lap, "there's no one in your life right now?"
Buffy stiffened and Phoebe, who had once been in a relationship that she had to hide from the rest of the world, didn't miss the signs.
"Buffy?" she said, taking her hand off Buffy's hair as this one sat up.
"I don't... It's not..." she stammered, looking away from Phoebe. "He's a monster!" she burst out. "Spike doesn't have a soul, there's nothing human about him! And I don't... I just can't..."
She seemed on the edge of tears again, and Phoebe, not knowing what else to do, pulled her close and hugged her tight.
"I'm a sick person," Buffy whimpered. "I should never, I shouldn't even let him get near me..."
"You're not sick," Phoebe said, firmly. "You're hurt, and as confused as one could possibly be, and may have made some poor choices, but there's nothing sick about you."
She gave Buffy a reassuring hug before proceeding:
"Honey, there may be a lot of things that a guy will do in order to get laid, but some things he'll only do if he actually cares for the girl. And deep down I think you know that."
As Buffy pulled away and shot her an incredulous look, Phoebe gave her a slightly amused smile.
"I'm not saying that you should be with him; all I'm saying is, you can be with him, if that's what you want."
"I don't..." Buffy started to say, but then she thought again, her shoulders slumping slightly. "I don't even know what I want any more," she sighed.
"Does he go out on patrol with you?" Phoebe asked.
"Like he would get the hint that he isn't welcome!..." Buffy grunted.
"Do you two argue?"
"God, yes!"
"Do you laugh?"
Buffy squirmed, looking down at her fingernails.
"Hum, yes," she muttered, unwillingly. "Sometimes."
"And he knows what you are," Phoebe said, "and he understands what it means."
"And he mocks it like there's no tomorrow," Buffy said, bitterly.
"Yet he helps you even when you tell him not to."
Buffy didn't say anything and just leaned back on the wall again.
"It just doesn't feel right," she murmured, sadly. "If I was to make it work with a vampire, it should have been with Angel."
"Why don't you go to Los Angeles?" Phoebe asked gently. "You could talk to Angel, try to work it out now that you're older and more mature. I'm sure the Hellmouth could survive your absence for a few days and, even if it can't, we can cover for you. If that's what you want."
Buffy just stared at the wall across the room for a long time before she answered.
"No," she whispered. She chewed lightly on her lower lip and added: "I love Angel, and I always will. He was my first love, my ally and my friend, and I know that he'll always be there for me when I need him, just like I will be there for him, but I..."
She sighed and finished in a low voice:
"I won't go to LA."
"But I don't love Spike," she insisted, looking at Phoebe again. "I don't. I don't even like him. I just..." -- she sighed and looked away -- "In some sort of sick, twisted way, he's been the one thing that's keeping me sane these days."
"And now," she snorted self derisively, "you must think I'm a freak."
"No, I don't," Phoebe promptly said. "But I do think that no guy, vampire or not, should be the one thing keeping you sane. And I think," she added, "that you've been carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders for way too long."
She chuckled softly, a hint of sadness in her voice as she added:
"You're a lot like my sister Prue."
Buffy gave her a puzzled look and she explained:
"Big sister, older than Piper; she died two years ago. She had a thick head just like yours," she added, playfully knocking on Buffy's head. "And demanded much more from herself than from others, Miss Anything-That-I-Can't-Solve-By-Myself-No-One-Can-So-What's-The-Point-Of-Asking-For-Help."
She held Buffy's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as she proceeded:
"Sunnydale is not that far away from San Francisco, specially when we have the Whitelighter Airlines for emergencies. Don't try to save the world all by herself, Buffy. It's a big world; that's why it has many champions." -- Buffy opened her mouth, but Phoebe held up her hand, silencing her -- "You help us with our demons, we help you with yours."
"It's a deal," Buffy said with a smile.
Just then, they heard Willow's voice coming from the corridor:
"Buffy? Phoebe?"
"In here," Buffy said, standing up and quickly wiping the remaining tears with the back of her hand.
As Phoebe, too, got back to her feet, Willow showed up at the doorway.
"Tara is on the phone. Cell phone. With Xander," she stammered, flustered. "She called his cell phone, and he's here, I mean, he's there, at the manor, and I think you should talk to her, and she is, she said, Xander said, we may need to go back to Sunnydale tonight. And I'm babbling again," she finished unhappily.
"Is this major big bad induced babbling," Buffy asked, "or just, you know, regular Tara induced babbling?"
"Tara," Willow sighed, staring at her feet as they walked down the stairs.
With a sympathetic smile, Buffy silently linked arms with her friend, and the three girls walked back to the manor, where they found Cole and Anya sitting on the couch, watching as Xander paced back and forth the living room, talking on his cell phone.
"Uh-hum... I see," he was saying. "I see. So, do you know where will this...? Uh-hum. Right. Look, Tara," he said as he saw Buffy enter the room, "Buffy is here, I'll hand the phone to her, okay?"
As he gave the phone to Buffy, Phoebe asked him, concerned:
"Is your friend in trouble?"
"No," Xander said. "She just wanted to warn us that some Galla demons are having a big soul auction in Sunnydale tomorrow night."
"How did she find out?"
"She found one of the flyers they're using to promote the event; there's even a map showing how to find the place."
"They were distributing flyers???" Phoebe exclaimed, giving him an astonished look.
"It's Sunnydale," Xander replied, shrugging.